PDA

View Full Version : Talking Jesus doll to hit stores in May


D_Raay
04-12-2005, 12:04 PM
http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/12/news/midcaps/jesus_dolls/index.htm?cnn=yes

Jesus will adorn the aisles with the likes of Bratz and Barbie. I am so excited by what the corporate cronies feel is right to sell to my kids. I am also looking forward to explaining to my kids just who this funny looking bearded man in robes and sandels is.

yeahwho
04-12-2005, 12:42 PM
WTFWJD?

EN[i]GMA
04-12-2005, 02:43 PM
WWJD?

BUY THIS DOLL!

catatonic
04-12-2005, 05:23 PM
The Bible says Jesus was ugly. It's just typical of them to get that wrong.

racer5.0stang
04-12-2005, 05:41 PM
The Bible says Jesus was ugly. It's just typical of them to get that wrong.


Where does it say that at?

Whois
04-12-2005, 05:54 PM
Aw...ain't that cute, Jesus be white.

Gee, his hair isn't like lambs wool and his feet aren't the color of burnt brass (see Revelations)...

synch
04-12-2005, 05:56 PM
Will Jesus get the "Ken" treatment?

Documad
04-12-2005, 06:55 PM
Will Jesus get the "Ken" treatment?
:D

btw -- What an awesome gag gift! I'm getting several.

Funkaloyd
04-12-2005, 08:50 PM
http://homepages.slingshot.co.nz/~funkaloyd/files/jesus.jpg

Schmeltz
04-12-2005, 09:12 PM
^Ah ha ha ha ha! (y)

yeahwho
04-12-2005, 10:17 PM
I'm wondering if they have an anatomically correct version. That's the one the ladies are curious about.

Rosie Cotton
04-13-2005, 12:54 AM
What about the Jesus and Sports figures? Does anyone remember those? They had Football Jesus, Soccer Jesus, Kung Fu Jesus, Ballet Jesus, etc.



EDIT- For those who don't already know about it. (http://www.catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues.html)

D_Raay
04-13-2005, 02:39 AM
Little different than the way this will be sold and marketed.

Rosie Cotton
04-13-2005, 02:53 AM
Oh I know that. I just relish any opportunity to bring up the subject of Kung Fu Jesus.

TAL
04-13-2005, 02:57 AM
What about the Jesus and Sports figures? Does anyone remember those? They had Football Jesus, Soccer Jesus, Kung Fu Jesus, Ballet Jesus, etc.



EDIT- For those who don't already know about it. (http://www.catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues.html)
I saw those on Conan a long time ago. Funny stuff.

What am I doing in this forum :confused:

Rosie Cotton
04-13-2005, 03:50 AM
I saw those on Conan a long time ago. Funny stuff.
Heh, didn't Conan try to buy Ballet Jesus because he wanted to see it but there wasn't a picture in the catalog?

synch
04-13-2005, 04:32 AM
On a vaguely related note, I have a Buddy Christ sitting on my desk :)

Next to spiderman and garfield :D

Rosie Cotton
04-13-2005, 04:42 AM
Hahahaha, sweet Jesus. I just now read that article. The Moses doll is frightening. I would be terrified if I was five years old and my grandparents gave me that for Christmas. And Jesus looks like Val Kilmer.

bb_bboy
04-13-2005, 06:38 AM
Jesus will adorn the aisles with the likes of Bratz and Barbie. I am so excited by what the corporate cronies feel is right to sell to my kids. I am also looking forward to explaining to my kids just who this funny looking bearded man in robes and sandels is.

Wow - when will people start reading the articles that they post before they say things in direct contention with content of the article?

Believe it or not, you are not the target market (i.e. "churches and religious families") for these toys. Whatever type of brainwashing phobia that is implicit in your remarks seems to be completely baseless. It's not like they are shoving the dolls down your throat or forcing you to buy them; just like any other line of toys, you have the choice of what to purchase and what not to purchase. I think that you'll have to eventually explain the concept of Christianity to your children for reasons other than the existence of these dolls, unless you want them to be ignorant and/or afraid of the existence of world religions. Besides, and more to the point, I thought that the article stated that its is the manufacturer's intention to "sell direct to consumers via the internet" and that they "don't feel it'd be right to put it in Toys R Us and be next to a Barbie or a Bratz." Looks like you can avoid that pesky conversation afterall.

Ali
04-13-2005, 08:17 AM
Aw...ain't that cute, Jesus be white.

Gee, his hair isn't like lambs wool and his feet aren't the color of burnt brass (see Revelations)...word (www.templeofblackjesus.com)

Classic Iconocl
04-13-2005, 08:20 AM
Consider the pop-culture implications...

Leave it to Jesus (Gosh, Wally! You shouldn't pick on the Jeez like that!)

Starsky and Jesus

Taxi Jesus (You prayin' ta me?)

My parents went to Jesus, and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt!

How about Jesus popsicles - Salvation on a Stick, anyone?

In case anyone hasn't noticed, the Pharisees are running the temple - again!

TAL
04-13-2005, 08:27 AM
Heh, didn't Conan try to buy Ballet Jesus because he wanted to see it but there wasn't a picture in the catalog?
I'm back in this forum just for you, Rosie.

And I think you're correct.

D_Raay
04-13-2005, 11:50 AM
Wow - when will people start reading the articles that they post before they say things in direct contention with content of the article?

Believe it or not, you are not the target market (i.e. "churches and religious families") for these toys. Whatever type of brainwashing phobia that is implicit in your remarks seems to be completely baseless. It's not like they are shoving the dolls down your throat or forcing you to buy them; just like any other line of toys, you have the choice of what to purchase and what not to purchase. I think that you'll have to eventually explain the concept of Christianity to your children for reasons other than the existence of these dolls, unless you want them to be ignorant and/or afraid of the existence of world religions. Besides, and more to the point, I thought that the article stated that its is the manufacturer's intention to "sell direct to consumers via the internet" and that they "don't feel it'd be right to put it in Toys R Us and be next to a Barbie or a Bratz." Looks like you can avoid that pesky conversation afterall.

It's called sarcasm... Maybe you should've considered that the original poster probably actually did read the article before you condescend them. I really don't care one way or another, I posted because I thought it was funny and a bit ironic for the times in which we live.

bb_bboy
04-13-2005, 11:56 AM
It's called sarcasm... Maybe you should've considered that the original poster probably actually did read the article before you condescend them. I really don't care one way or another, I posted because I thought it was funny and a bit ironic for the times in which we live.

I just like to attempt to piss someone off every now and then. Nothing personal.

yeahwho
04-13-2005, 12:19 PM
Damn! I was really looking forward to a "Doll Fight" thread.

D_Raay
04-13-2005, 02:38 PM
I just like to attempt to piss someone off every now and then. Nothing personal.
Yeah tone is something that eludes even the most intelligent of posters...

Classic Iconocl
04-13-2005, 02:39 PM
I've got an idea... G.I. Jesus! Dressed in battle fatigues with long hair, beard, and a crown of thorns, wielding an M-16! When you squeeze his nail-pierced hand, he says, "He who lives by the sword dies by the machine gun!" Dedicated to George W, of course :eek: !

ASsman
04-13-2005, 03:57 PM
I'm buying one for all my Jewish friends....

Rosie Cotton
04-13-2005, 09:25 PM
I'm back in this forum just for you, Rosie.
Awwwwwwwwww

catatonic
04-13-2005, 10:28 PM
Sorry for the belated reply... where Jesus is ugly in the Bible.. I can't remember a better verse that mentions the name of Messiah and says specifically he's not good looking, so this one will have to do:

Isa. 53: 2
2 For he shall grow up before him as a tender a (http://scriptures.lds.org/isa/53/2a#2a)plant•, and as a broot• out of a cdry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no dbeauty• that we should desire him.

And don't get started about whether Isaiah was talking about Jesus or not... I'm aware there are both Judaism and Christianity.

racer5.0stang
04-14-2005, 11:17 AM
Sorry for the belated reply... where Jesus is ugly in the Bible.. I can't remember a better verse that mentions the name of Messiah and says specifically he's not good looking, so this one will have to do:

Isa. 53: 2
2 For he shall grow up before him as a tender a (http://scriptures.lds.org/isa/53/2a#2a)plant•, and as a broot• out of a cdry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no dbeauty• that we should desire him.

And don't get started about whether Isaiah was talking about Jesus or not... I'm aware there are both Judaism and Christianity.

Isaiah 53:2
2 For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him.

It is important to read the verse in context. You should try reading the entire chapter (it is only 12 verses).

It is clear that Isaiah is describing Jesus on the cross.

I'm sure we wasn't "good looking" after the people beat him, then the scourging, and then being hung on a cross for several hours.

ASsman
04-14-2005, 11:18 AM
It is important to read the verse in context. You should try reading the entire chapter (it is only 12 verses).

It is clear that Isaiah is describing Jesus on the cross.

I'm sure we wasn't "good looking" after the people beat him, then the scourging, and then being hung on a cross for several hours.
Pff, it's always about "context" with you. Isn't it.

----what is the matrix?-----

bb_bboy
04-14-2005, 12:01 PM
Yeah tone is something that eludes even the most intelligent of posters...

I don't quite know how to tak that.

Damn you cold, emotionless internet!

D_Raay
04-14-2005, 12:07 PM
I don't quite know how to tak that.

Damn you cold, emotionless internet!
Haha. I will tell you how to take it and forego the guessing of my tone. I meant I was sorry you mistook my original meaning and respect your opinion as a poster.

Whois
04-14-2005, 01:38 PM
For those of you who can't wait, it's "Dressup Jesus":

http://www.jesusdressup.com

Funkaloyd
04-14-2005, 06:29 PM
^ Awesome link. Thanks.

D_Raay
04-14-2005, 11:02 PM
"Verily, I give unto thee the earth, for I am the lord and thou art my children.
Except for the gays. Amen."

Ali
04-15-2005, 01:58 AM
For those of you who can't wait, it's "Dressup Jesus":

http://www.jesusdressup.comWhere's the gimp suit?

Classic Iconocl
04-15-2005, 10:45 AM
http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/12/news/midcaps/jesus_dolls/index.htm?cnn=yes

Jesus will adorn the aisles with the likes of Bratz and Barbie. I am so excited by what the corporate cronies feel is right to sell to my kids. I am also looking forward to explaining to my kids just who this funny looking bearded man in robes and sandels is.

How about a low-fat communion wafer called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"? :eek:

racer5.0stang
04-15-2005, 01:29 PM
2 Peter 2:2,3

2 And many shall follow their pernicious ways; by reason of whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of.

3 And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not.

D_Raay
04-15-2005, 02:25 PM
2 Peter 2:2,3

2 And many shall follow their pernicious ways; by reason of whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of.

3 And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you: whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their damnation slumbereth not.
In case you hadn't noticed, this isn't a church or the like... It's a message board with multiple personalities and varying religious beliefs.

Schmeltz
04-15-2005, 03:39 PM
Y'all're goin tuh hell fer dressin up Jesus!

yeahwho
04-15-2005, 03:54 PM
Holy Dress Up Batman, I was just trying to figure out how to buy one of these dolls as a gag gift, when I came across this TFP (http://www.tfp.org/index.html). They really have a hard on for Jesus dress up dolls (http://www.tfp.org/what_we_do/index/blasphemy_dress_up_jesus.htm).

Of course I'm sure the formation of a group of people who "resist ideas" (http://www.tfp.org/who_we_are/the_counter_rev.html) will really enhance my families love of humans. Maybe if I resist ideas I'll be able to understand the wisdom of GWB.

Whois
04-15-2005, 06:27 PM
Where's the gimp suit?

There have been a number of versions of this, one did include a gimp suit...

Whois
04-15-2005, 06:28 PM
How about a low-fat communion wafer called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"? :eek:

Eat it up YUM....

:D (y)

catatonic
04-15-2005, 11:49 PM
racer,

what are you talking about? Just because two verses later it talks about Jesus on the cross doesn't mean the context is that Jesus is only ugly when on the cross. The same verse talks about Jesus growing up, so I think the context is saying that Jesus was an ugly man. The chapter is talking about Jesus' life. Why else would they say, "He shall grow up as a tender reed?" What does that have to do with the cross?

ASsman
04-16-2005, 08:24 AM
racer,

what are you talking about? Just because two verses later it talks about Jesus on the cross doesn't mean the context is that Jesus is only ugly when on the cross. The same verse talks about Jesus growing up, so I think the context is saying that Jesus was an ugly man. The chapter is talking about Jesus' life. Why else would they say, "He shall grow up as a tender reed?" What does that have to do with the cross?
LET THE INTERPRETATIONS BEGIN!!!

Oh and the TFP kicks ass! Liberal swine!

catatonic
04-16-2005, 11:55 AM
Well, it's pretty obvious since it first talks about him growing up, then mentions the verse about his appearance in the same verse, then says he was rejected a lot, then talks about the cross. Try reading it yourself and see if you don't agree. Like I said, I think there was a better verse anyway. :(

ASsman
04-16-2005, 06:22 PM
I can't pick that thing up again. It has destroyed enough of my life.

catatonic
04-16-2005, 10:08 PM
I'm sad to hear that. Well try not to pick up alcohol or drugs or porno mags or casino coins, I hope.

SobaViolence
04-16-2005, 10:35 PM
drugs helped me find salvation. (y)

Funkaloyd
04-17-2005, 12:26 AM
Hmm; porn, or a book filled with death, rape and suffering. Tough choice.

catatonic
04-17-2005, 01:39 PM
The book isn't filled with rape. That's unfair. There are a lot of wars and violence, but it's different than actually seeing it.

The whole New Testament is almost completely clean of those things.

Funkaloyd
04-17-2005, 05:26 PM
Better stay away from the New Testament then.

infidel
04-18-2005, 05:14 PM
I bought both a Moses and Jesus doll to "pose" which one should go on top?

Whois
04-18-2005, 05:47 PM
drugs helped me find salvation. (y)

Amen...

"Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"

catatonic
04-18-2005, 10:28 PM
Let's mix things up by trying what I consider to be scripture, written in 2005.

"Developed nations of the world are becoming so secular in their beliefs and actions that they reason that a human being has total autonomy. An individual does not have to give an account to anyone or anything except to himself and, to a limited extent, to the society in which he lives.

Societies in which this secular lifestyle takes root have a deep spiritual and moral price to pay. The pursuit of so-called individual freedoms, without regard to laws the Lord has established to govern His children on earth, will result in the curse of extreme worldliness and selfishness, the decline of public and private morality, and the defiance of authority."

I might as well give the reference too (http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,49-1-520-28,00.html).

D_Raay
04-18-2005, 11:04 PM
Let's mix things up by trying what I consider to be scripture, written in 2005.

"Developed nations of the world are becoming so secular in their beliefs and actions that they reason that a human being has total autonomy. An individual does not have to give an account to anyone or anything except to himself and, to a limited extent, to the society in which he lives.

Societies in which this secular lifestyle takes root have a deep spiritual and moral price to pay. The pursuit of so-called individual freedoms, without regard to laws the Lord has established to govern His children on earth, will result in the curse of extreme worldliness and selfishness, the decline of public and private morality, and the defiance of authority."

I might as well give the reference too (http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,49-1-520-28,00.html).
I will attempt to be polite and courteous with a response as your opinions and ideology are as viable as anyone elses, but what complete bullshit... Just what deep spiritual and moral price do WE have to pay? Everyone is their own person. Why does it concern anyone in a position such as this man or you yourself catatonic? The real world doesn't function this way, and until God himself comes down and lays it out for everyone it isn't going to change. All rhetoric, or "scripture" as you call it, like this does is further fuel a fire that shouldn't be burning in the first place.

Without true freedom of thought and belief this country ceases to be America.

Schmeltz
04-18-2005, 11:42 PM
without regard to laws the Lord has established to govern His children on earth


Mmm hmm. And let me guess, those laws are found only in the particular religious texts to which you subscribe, and are properly interpreted only by ritual specialists in your particular belief system. Now where have I heard that before?

Funkaloyd
04-19-2005, 12:47 AM
^^^ Which is why in France the crime rate is skyrocketing while in Iran everybody is nice and godly and bound for heaven.

catatonic
04-19-2005, 11:25 AM
Why it concerns me is that I've said my peace politically for over a year on this board and never really got any disagreement from anyone after I finished, nor do I bet that I've converted anyone to be much more politically in line with me. That's great that we are on the same page politically, but I have for a long time felt there was an erosion of morals in the Democrat party.

And why it concerns you is that when people see it, you lose votes.

So rather than talk politics and be agreed with, I'd rather try to make a difference with morality.

Asking what moral price you have to pay is a good question, but I doubt people will believe the answer until they try living morally. However, that drugs, alcohol, pornography, and gambling can make people less happy is a moral price in this life. I beg to differ that if God came down things wouldn't change. If he formed you he could show you what you were formed for.

Schmeltz, I don't know if they are particular to my religion although I believe they are in my religion, but that's why this was broadcast in 37 languages. The Book of Mormon is in 106 languages. It was named one of the 20 most influential books in America by an independent group. I don't mean to criticize you, but you may not realize you've tended to give well-sounding phrases that don't have any substance to ridicule Christianity. You seem to be so biased as to immediately take an atheist view on everything when the average person would probably be on some of each ground. You didn't change my mind about the flood or angels or anything else with your comments because they didn't have any substance, and I am fairly well educated with a GRE score of 1460.

In France, my understanding is that people are sexually promiscous whereas in Iran my understanding is that they aren't, so there are bad things on both sides. There are also plenty of good things on both sides. Iranians are modest, for instance, and the French are technologically advanced and advanced in Social politics.

D_Raay
04-19-2005, 11:53 AM
However, that drugs, alcohol, pornography, and gambling can make people less happy is a moral price in this life. I beg to differ that if God came down things wouldn't change. If he formed you he could show you what you were formed for.
I understand. However, I do none of these things. So what of your decent hard working American? He MUST believe in GOD or...? I don't call that a morality issue, just what one person believes versus another. Are you saying that you believe all democrats indulge in such activities and therefore suffer morally in the eyes of their constituents? That is a bit silly, of course, and you probably don't believe that, but you are equating these sort of activities with morality of which you say the Democrats lack. Maybe you are saying the Democrats condone this sort of behaviour? That, again would be silly.

I believe the real issue here is the lack of reason that has somehow struck this country perpetuated by our IMMORAL media and it's various outlets. Believe in God or not it should make no difference to anyone who is established in his own beliefs and lives his life in such a way.

Please don't tell me you agree with the way our GOP is handling this "morals and values" thing catatonic? That would be disappointing...

catatonic
04-19-2005, 12:00 PM
There are moral atheists and my hats off to all hard-working Americans. It's the people that are perceived by the vast majority as immoral that are looked at as reasons to not vote Democrat, except when they're Republican like Tom Delay. If someone comes off as immoral and is Democrat, my advice would be to either change their appearance, change their behavior (preferable for me if they are indeed immoral), or don't say they're Democrat.

I strongly disagree with the GOP's cherry-picking which issues count as moral. I don't think funding abortions is moral either though.

D_Raay
04-19-2005, 12:07 PM
Well, you may be right. I guess "what should be" and "what actually is" are passing each other in the sea of excrement. It's a shame too. In a time when we as a nation should really be coming together, regardless of beliefs or personal opinions, we move farther apart.

yeahwho
04-19-2005, 12:19 PM
The moral thing to do for the Democrats is to stop trying to be "Higher Ground" style of politicians and become "Harder Working" politicians. Hard work is why the Republicans are in power, they lie better, they cheat better and they promote themselves better, ask anyone of them they'll tell you, "It's Hard Work."

The perception of a political party takes effort and cooperation, that takes focus and a bit of visciousness, somebody will have to be publicly bled in the democratic party to start the ball rolling.......so all the others can see how it works. Can Howard Dean do this?

So I agree with you catatonic, to a certain degree. Just to stay on topic, they should have a whole line of Bush administration dolls who all parrot, "It's Hard Work!"

catatonic
04-19-2005, 12:37 PM
You think Harry Reid isn't a hard worker? He had uneducated parents and was poor. His story is "one of the most compelling in Washington". He works very well at how he says things. He's united all Democrats under causes a number of times. If the judicial nominations go through, he'll be that guy.

I don't think the Republicans work harder they just cheat better and get more money. I keep saying the reason they picked up 6 seats in the House was that Tom Delay cheated and once he was elected he redrew the boundaries in Texas where 6 seats were picked up.

But I could certainly work a lot harder to persuade people of my political views, that's for sure.

catatonic
04-19-2005, 03:29 PM
I do believe my Church is the only one that has the priesthood of God on the earth, if it helps to be completely honest, and the only one that has the saving ordinances in the Temple necessary to enter into the full presence of God. People who would have accepted the gospel on earth, if they had had enough time, have the opportunity to enter as well, since we do work for the dead in the Temple so that they have the same fair chance. They can be converted after they're dead even. God will be a perfect judge, and if my Church is wrong He'll judge me for it. I would say why I believed it but it's better if someone doesn't believe it if they're going to drink and smoke and look at pornography and all that.

My Church is under condemnation for not reading the Book of Mormon enough. There are a lot of wars and violent events in the Book of Mormon, but they don't have the same effect as a violent movie.

I also believe that because I have the priesthood. Women everywhere have a greater duty in childbearing than I do in the priesthood, but I need to be very careful with my priesthood to not abuse it.

yeahwho
04-19-2005, 04:57 PM
You think Harry Reid isn't a hard worker? He had uneducated parents and was poor. His story is "one of the most compelling in Washington". He works very well at how he says things. He's united all Democrats under causes a number of times. If the judicial nominations go through, he'll be that guy.

I don't think the Republicans work harder they just cheat better and get more money. I keep saying the reason they picked up 6 seats in the House was that Tom Delay cheated and once he was elected he redrew the boundaries in Texas where 6 seats were picked up.

But I could certainly work a lot harder to persuade people of my political views, that's for sure.

We have 3 hard working Democratic leaders in state of Washington, Senator Patty Murray, Senator Maria Cantwell and Gov. Christine Gregoire (who won by less than 193 votes!)(Yes all 3 are women!). They have overcome many obstacles to be where they are and believe me, they're tougher than any fucking Charlies Angels shit! ;)

Why play defense? When somebody questions your faith I see it makes you unhappy and you defend yourself. Why the Fuck are the Democrats letting all their hard work become denigrated in the name of Fundamentalist propaganda? You have to stand up for what you believe, they should stand up and say they believe the Republican leadership will not accept responsibility for the mayhem they've created. The delivery the Democrats present is void of conviction. When they say something it should light up the radio, newspapers, blogs, TV...image makeover is needed, I just do not think Howard Dean is going to be the guy to lead the Democrats to the Promised Land. Their website (http://www.democrats.org/) says, "We Love being in Second Place" Fuck they need to shake it up, do something drastic. Attack, attack, attack!

I wish I had a more cheery view about them Democrats, but C'mon, how much shit do they have to eat before they say, that's it! We've got to change our ways. (ie; perception)

Schmeltz
04-19-2005, 05:38 PM
So you think there's "no substance" to science, and I think there's no substance to the Book of Mormon. Well, science has objective, empirical standards of repeatable observation and well-defined parameters of factuality based on these. That is substantially (heh) more substance than has ever stemmed from any religious text. I don't care what you believe, you're certainly free to express any point of view that you find rational, but when you start claiming that there's no substance to science you just make yourself look silly. And there's just no way you're going to convince me of the truth of any religious text without concrete to back it up.

catatonic
04-19-2005, 06:22 PM
I'm not saying science has no substance. Science has an awful lot of substance. I'm 98% in agreement with the method of science and I will usually support it's findings. I was saying your arguments against religion didn't have any substance. You called names at what I posted or raised irrelevant objections or something each time.

I've held back on scientific evidence for Mormonism because I don't want people to believe it and keep using alcohol, drugs, pornography, etc... because then I believe they'd be worse off. But if you can tell me that you'd be willing to go without this kind of thing, and you'd be willing to worship if you believed it, I'll buy you a book on scientific evidence for the Book of Mormon that's actually very good. It's a huge stretch to argue Noah's Ark, but there are easy methods to give strong evidence for the Book of Mormon. Science and religion are easily compatible with the Book of Mormon and the objections to the Book of Mormon at lds-mormon.org are irrelevant. Scholars from around the world have looked at the book and concluded it held up to what it said it was.

EN[i]GMA
04-19-2005, 06:24 PM
Completely random thought here, but even if we could prove God existed, how could we prove he was benevalent?

How do we know he's not just fucking around with us for his sadistic pleasure?

"I'll give that fucker cancer today, muahahahahahah" etc.

Is there any way to prove God is good?

If you can't, why do you assume he's good and didn't just write the Bible to trick your feeble human mind?

If you can't prove that he's good, evil or truly nuetral, why assume the former, there's a 66.6 (COINCEDENCE!?!?!??!) chance you're wrong.

I guess this 'all comes down to faith', which is a convenient way of saying "Fuck!", without all that sinning against God and shit.

catatonic
04-19-2005, 06:29 PM
Basically, if that's the case there's nothing I can do about it because if I can't trust my own decisions on whether God's good, I can't trust my own thinking at all, and that goes beyond the bounds of what I'm really capable of thinking about.

If God appeared bad, that would be another story entirely. Then I wouldn't trust God, even though God could be good and playing around with me to make me think he was bad. Of course, that seems bad itself, but then maybe this is God playing around with me.

You see how it quickly goes beyond what I can reason about?

EN[i]GMA
04-19-2005, 06:33 PM
Basically, if that's the case there's nothing I can do about it because if I can't trust my own decisions on whether God's good, I can't trust my own thinking at all, and that goes beyond the bounds of what I'm really capable of thinking about.

If God appeared bad, that would be another story entirely. Then I wouldn't trust God, even though God could be good and playing around with me to make me think he was bad. Of course, that seems bad itself, but then maybe this is God playing around with me.

You see how it quickly goes beyond what I can reason about?

But you're just going to continue praying to him anyway, sort of Pascal's Wager in reverse since the chances aren't good, I guess.

And what makes you think you can trust your own thinking at all? It's definitely opening up a can of worms, since if it's true, there's no way to prove it's true (Kind of like God), but how can you prove you have any free will?

It seems like the only way to step out of this hairy logic traps is to disavow God, or to live in a state of at least relative illogic.

But yes, this is beyond reason, which is strange that God would make such a question integral to us believing in him so completely impossible to logic out in a way that makes a belief in Him permissable.

You'd think he'd see that this is a logic trap.

catatonic
04-19-2005, 06:55 PM
It is a logic trap and it is beyond reason, hence there's no point in discussing it because it requires the very thinking you have to disavow in it to discuss.

It doesn't deter me though. I believe that my own thinking can come into harmony with the truth with God's help. I am completely reliant on God, since "if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away." (2 Ne 2:13 in the Book of Mormon)

Look at it this way. An ant in your path is completely dependent on you to not step on it. If you do step on it, it will have no life left on earth for which to say that you were bad. Therefore the ant is completely dependent on you to be good with no way to say you are bad until it is already too late. (or maybe it's OK to step on ants; kids do it).

We are also dependent on God in the same way. God appears to fulfill all his promises so far up until the the ones that have been due to be fulfilled. Everything promised has come true, assuming it's God. We don't really know if God has it in Him to take us into Heaven and to let us be kings there over our own creation. But it's worth sacrificing everything we have for the chance because it's like "the matrix" and we're in "the matrix" and it's the only chance to be free. We should do everything in our power and everything with our mind to seek out a way to achieve "a higher form of reality" and really seek out the best way. It only seems logical that if we do this we will be rewarded, but really requires faith. All reasoning requires faith. All we can do is rely on God, and I'm of the persuasion that trusting in God will increase our chance or even be the factor. That's all we can really do in life - hope for a better world and do our best to get there. You've got to make up your own mind about whether believing in God and/or trusting in God and/or seeking a manifestation of God to obey is beneficial to you or worth the effort, but to me it's completely logical that it is.

catatonic
04-19-2005, 07:01 PM
The ancient Egyptians used to make mummies with outstretched hands to show to their Gods that they concealed no weapons and we're completely trusting of the Gods. They were willing to be completely dependent on the Gods for entrance into heaven because they could think of no other way to get into heaven, and because it was worth sacrificing everything they had to get their best shot at heaven.

EN[i]GMA
04-19-2005, 07:39 PM
Fair enough.

Funkaloyd
04-19-2005, 07:42 PM
GMA']Completely random thought here, but even if we could prove God existed, how could we prove he was benevalent?
How do we know he's not just fucking around with us for his sadistic pleasure?
"I'll give that fucker cancer today, muahahahahahah" etc.
Is there any way to prove God is good?
God is by definition good and righteous. So when he sent some bears to eat 40 children for mocking somebody's lack of hair, he was in the right.

The question remains though, how easy is it to agree with something which seems so evil when you've been raised in a society which generally holds that killing children is a bad thing?

http://www.beastieboys.com/bbs/showpost.php?p=786472&postcount=57

catatonic
04-19-2005, 07:45 PM
How do you know the little children died?

Funkaloyd
04-19-2005, 07:46 PM
I was saying your arguments against religion didn't have any substance.
It doesn't matter how little or what kind of proof there is against God until somebody presents some evidence that God actually exists.

catatonic
04-19-2005, 07:58 PM
If I presented evidence, would you be willing to live accordingly? It says in the Book of Mormon, there is no witness until after the trial of your faith.

Funkaloyd
04-19-2005, 08:24 PM
I honestly don't know. I've thought about this a lot lately; could I live my life for a God who tortures people for all eternity? I might be inclined to join Satan in rebellion.

Then again, didn't you say something in another thread about how people will almost automatically become righteous once they truly believe?

Edit:
http://www.beastieboys.com/bbs/showpost.php?p=768911&postcount=89

yeahwho
04-19-2005, 08:28 PM
What if.............God turned out to be a doll? Like Jesus.

catatonic
04-19-2005, 09:48 PM
Yes that's correct. When they properly understand, they will be righteous.

catatonic
04-19-2005, 10:33 PM
If you don't believe anything you do is wrong, you have no sin. Even if you die in sin, you still may be able to repent although it's much harder without a body. We try to give everyone the opportunity, even if they've died, to accept the gospel. If you can get redeemed, God will make it so that you won't sin as long as you keep certain attributes that will make sense and that you have to deliberately break.

No unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God, for if something unclean dwells in God's kingdom, his kingdom is unclean. A man can sin and repent, but if he transgresses the law of God, which means knowingly disobeying, he is delivered up to Satan, to sift him as chaff before the wind.

If men do something good, it comes from God. Once men have transgressed, as I know I have, they are completely bad themselves until they are redeemed. Even if you transgress, you can still be redeemed. What I try to do when I transgress, to be redeemed, so I can dwell in the presence of God and have blessings in this life, is

1 Have humility, an understanding that I am completely dependent on God. I have this understanding and can help you to get it.
2 Have faith, as described in the post you just quoted. My understanding is limited, so sometimes I falter on a lack of understanding of how worth it this is.
3 Repent. Confess your sins and forsake them. Maybe you don't have any because you don't believe anything you do is wrong. Isn't that nice if it's the case, but I think it's obvious that you should still seek to progress and learn more about what you should do.

You will not be able to forsake all your sins alone if you have transgressed. That's why it's important to pray with humility, and faith, and repenting, saying that you will stop these things, and if you do it in the name of Christ he will make you perfect so you won't sin any more, but you have to keep these attributes and keep praying. That's my hangup right now.

That's my understanding of it. God doesn't torture anyone. Satan does.

You can check out mormon.org and see if it's the kind of thing you are willing to handle. By following the formula above, you can handle all of it perfectly. God will take care of it for you so you don't sin if you can get redeemed. If it's the kind of thing you would be interested in, I'll provide you with all the evidence you can handle and you can meet with official representatives. If you choose some other religion or no religion, I expect I will never judge you.

It's not Pascal's Wager. It's knowing that if there's a chance at a better world it's worth it to sacrifice everything to get there and if you're wrong you've lost nothing because you gave the ultimate quest your very best but if you're right you gain everything - it's believing that if you simply give it your very best there's no logical reason why God would forsake you in your quest - it's believing in God because otherwise there is no creation.

Schmeltz
04-20-2005, 12:07 AM
Scholars from around the world have looked at the book and concluded it held up to what it said it was.


Which scholars? In which peer-reviewed journals have their findings been published? Which scholars have independently assessed these findings and either verified or dismissed them? I'm not going to take your word for it that your personal religious texts hold up to objective, empirical testing; show me something concrete, for the millionth time.

Prove that heaven exists, prove that God exists, prove that there's some semblance of realism in your beliefs, and you might convince me of their validity. I'm sure your personal faith helps you a great deal in your day to day life, but your efforts to peddle it as gospel with vacuous personal testimony are really turning into a tiresome ordeal for some people around here.

Nuttery. Religion is nuttery. That's why I left.

Funkaloyd
04-20-2005, 05:11 AM
What I try to do when I transgress, to be redeemed, so I can dwell in the presence of God and have blessings in this life, is
1 Have humility, an understanding that I am completely dependent on God. I have this understanding and can help you to get it.
Have you ever thought that maybe absolving yourself of responsibility and respect in such a way might be bad for your personal development? Maybe you should put some of that faith into yourself; you're not going to become a horrible sinner if your faith falters, and you can still work towards perfection by examining your past sins and actually working on yourself rather than asking a higher being to do that for you.

Even from the posts you've made here alone, it seems pretty clear that you're a good person looking to do the right thing by yourself and the world, and that should be enough to overcome sin. You don't need magical superpowers to beat temptation any more than you need them to succumb to temptation.

I hope I didn't deter you by my opening post in the Law Liberty & Sin thread. Contrary to what I may have suggested, I don't drink, pay hookers for sex, gamble or worship Satan. And I abstain from such vices without the help of a god.

catatonic
04-20-2005, 10:54 AM
Yeah to each his own.
Maybe you don't sin.
For me there are a lot of sins out there that aren't as severe that I am trying to avoid as well, like not looking at a beautiful girl lustfully when she walks by, and I could try to avoid them on my own, but that occasionally ends in failure.
For you - I don't know, but in my experience it's too hard not to make small mistakes.

racer5.0stang
04-20-2005, 09:44 PM
If you don't believe anything you do is wrong, you have no sin.

The bible says ALL have sinned and come short of the glory of God.

Even if you die in sin, you still may be able to repent although it's much harder without a body.

Hebrews 9
27 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment

Kinda hard to repent once you are dead and have been judged.

We try to give everyone the opportunity, even if they've died, to accept the gospel.

Impossible.

That's why it's important to pray with humility, and faith, and repenting, saying that you will stop these things, and if you do it in the name of Christ he will make you perfect so you won't sin any more, but you have to keep these attributes and keep praying.

As long as we are in these corruptible bodies we will sin.

You need to get in the Word of God.

If it's the kind of thing you would be interested in, I'll provide you with all the evidence you can handle and you can meet with official representatives.

You should try providing people with the truth about your cult.

It is sad that you and your group promote the bible but don't believe what it says.

For me there are a lot of sins out there that aren't as severe that I am trying to avoid as well, like not looking at a beautiful girl lustfully when she walks by, and I could try to avoid them on my own, but that occasionally ends in failure.

I hope that you realize that man justifies sin, not God.

Funkaloyd
04-20-2005, 10:23 PM
You still haven't explained to me just what characteristics of the LDS movement make it a cult.

Ali
04-21-2005, 03:28 AM
In France, my understanding is that people are sexually promiscous whereas in Iran my understanding is that they aren't, so there are bad things on both sides. There are also plenty of good things on both sides. Iranians are modest, for instance, and the French are technologically advanced and advanced in Social politics.What utter crap (with all due respect). The French are NOT sexually promiscuous. Most French people are devout Catholics and you will be very hard-pressed to find a French girl who will go to bed with you before you are 'going steady' (or whatever term you guys use).

American girls, however... easy meat!

So much for your cultural stereotyping, Catatonic, you should be more careful when making generalisations like that.

ASsman
04-21-2005, 11:18 AM
Haha, God does have a sense of humor. He made Blacks didn't he?

skankforbrains
04-21-2005, 11:46 AM
who the hell knows what Jesus really looked like.

ASsman
04-21-2005, 11:47 AM
who the hell knows what Jesus really looked like.
The pope, since he's a prophet.. right?

skankforbrains
04-21-2005, 11:57 AM
In America everyone is judged by their face. Its wrongj, people say I looked like the devil, and when you look like the devil it really sucksf, people think your all kind of horrible things. Nobody wants you if you look like the devil. Thats how things are in America, we are spoiled fucking brats.

Qdrop
04-21-2005, 01:00 PM
In America everyone is judged by their face. Its wrongj, people say I looked like the devil, and when you look like the devil it really sucksf, people think your all kind of horrible things. Nobody wants you if you look like the devil. Thats how things are in America, we are spoiled fucking brats.

you look like the devil- ???

are you an alias?

ASsman
04-21-2005, 01:06 PM
Jesus 3:16

The devil hath a face, the face of man. For in every man the devil may lay, in hay. Happy birthday.

Qdrop
04-21-2005, 01:11 PM
i honestly do not know why this thread just keeps ticking.

it's really not that interesting.....


whenever i see catotonic, racer, and ace42 talking about religion....i bail.


kinda like the ace vs. enigma battles....

ASsman
04-21-2005, 01:28 PM
Knife fight.

catatonic
04-21-2005, 09:33 PM
Ali, I don't know if what I've heard about the French is true, and I believe I said so, but if they're having sex before marriage than to me that counts as promiscuous. Actually, if they have more than one partner in their life, that is the definition of promiscuous. If they're not please tell me so I won't make an idiot of myself next time. Also, I was not aware that American girls were easier. Maybe it depends on where you live, no?

OK racer, maybe we can do this again, but I don't believe your helping to convert anyone and you should want to, just like you should want to help people.

The bible says ALL have sinned and come short of the glory of God.

I never said they didn't, I was presenting a hypothetical possibility to try to be nice, although that happens to be a very annoying scripture to people, so I don't like to bring it up. If someone doesn't believe there is a law however, they can't sin.



Hebrews 9
27 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment

Kinda hard to repent once you are dead and have been judged.

In the verse you just quoted, it doesn't rule out a time after you die to repent before you get judged.



Impossible. (that even if they've died they can have an opportunity).

OK. 1 Cor 15:29 - Else what shall they do which are a (http://scriptures.lds.org/1_cor/15/29a#29a)baptized bfor• the dead, if the dead crise not at all? why are they then baptized for the ddead?

If you disagree, then you are saying almost all the Chinese are going to hell, since they will never hear of Christiainity except maybe in passing, which is hypocritical at best.

As long as we are in these corruptible bodies we will sin.

You need to get in the Word of God. What do you mean, get in the word of God? Applying the atonement is what can make us not sin.



You should try providing people with the truth about your cult.

It is sad that you and your group promote the bible but don't believe what it says. I've demonstrated time and time again that I do believe what it says. Only one time have I disagreed with the translation, and it's really annoying when you pull out verses on me that accuse me of stuff.



I hope that you realize that man justifies sin, not God.
Of course I do. Thank you racer. Have a nice day.

Classic Iconocl
04-21-2005, 09:55 PM
Jesus tokin' on a phat bowl,
Judas suckin' honey, stickin' money in his cornhole.

Sorry... it's a dog and pony show. Just felt like rappin'.

racer5.0stang
04-21-2005, 11:35 PM
I never said they didn't, I was presenting a hypothetical possibility to try to be nice, although that happens to be a very annoying scripture to people, so I don't like to bring it up.

So you are saying that people do not like to hear that they are sinners? So basically you lie to the person and tell that Jesus died for what? If Jesus died for OUR sins, that includes everyone. So, everyone has sinned.

If someone doesn't believe there is a law however, they can't sin.

In the person's eyes they may think that they do not sin, but in God's eyes everyone has sinned.

OK. 1 Cor 15:29 - Else what shall they do which are abaptized bfor• the dead, if the dead crise not at all? why are they then baptized for the ddead?

1 Corinthians 15:29
Else what shall they do which are baptized for the dead, if the dead rise not at all? why are they then baptized for the dead?

Paul is not here speaking of baptizing living believers in place of either believers or unbelievers who have died. There is no assignment of saving efficacy to baptism. The argument is: Of what value is it for one to trust Christ and be baptized in the ranks left vacant by the believing dead, if there is no resurrection for believers? Why place life in jeopardy and forfeit the benefits of this life, if there is no life after death?

Try not to take verses out of context to support your beliefs.

If you disagree, then you are saying almost all the Chinese are going to hell, since they will never hear of Christiainity except maybe in passing, which is hypocritical at best.

That is what missions are for.

Mark 16:15
And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

catatonic
04-22-2005, 07:04 PM
Fine, you're right on the first part. Hey everybody, you're a sinner.

But you can't sin until you have a law.

The scripture question is hard to read - I'll be thinking about it.

And yeah there are missions, but some Chinese die without ever really hearing about Christianity. It's not fair to say they go to hell. Once again, it's hypocritical to assume they go to hell, and if they do go to hell, we'll go to hell too for not preaching to them. That doesn't seem right to me, and it doesn't seem right to just about anybody.

God should be perfectly just, and this isn't perfectly just.

catatonic
04-22-2005, 07:26 PM
Sorry if I lied. A person might be innocent up to a point in their life.

Funkaloyd
04-22-2005, 07:29 PM
But eternally torturing me (and the Beastie Boys for that matter) is perfectly just?

catatonic
04-22-2005, 08:08 PM
I don't think the Beastie Boys would be tortured. As far as I know they're living religion to the best of their ability.

God doesn't torture people. Satan tortures people, because God can't allow them to enter into his kingdom.

Everybody will get a perfect judgement. If there's no law given, for instance if they don't believe Christianity to be valid, they'll be judged of their works.

Why are you so worried about being tortured? God knows you can't keep all the commandments on your own. If you don't believe in them, you'll be judged by your works. If you do believe in them, they will tell you to follow the pattern I outlined, praying continually in humility, faith, and repentance, and if you do this you won't be sinning. Once you've repented, your sins are completely erased. Jesus will basically carry you at a certain point and keep you from sinning.

catatonic
04-22-2005, 08:12 PM
I haven't reached that point yet where I could keep from sinning. Well I have for a day or two at a time, but I mess up. I need more understanding.

paulk
04-22-2005, 08:39 PM
If you absolutely must masturbate, don't think of women while you do it, and be done with it as quickly as possible.

I read that in a book about how to be a good Christian once, thought that might help.

EN[i]GMA
04-22-2005, 09:14 PM
If you absolutely must masturbate, don't think of women while you do it, and be done with it as quickly as possible.

I read that in a book about how to be a good Christian once, thought that might help.

But doesn't the Bible say to take your time and take pride in your work, whatever it may be?

That the lowliest worker should work as if he has the best job?

I can only apply this to masturbation.

Odie
04-22-2005, 10:56 PM
see the ads turned up!
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/jesus.php

probably old but...

catatonic
04-23-2005, 12:44 AM
I stopped masturbating completely I'm glad to report. My younger brother is doing a lot better than me at his age which makes me happy. My youngest brother doesn't seem to do it at all and says it's gross which makes me a little worried but happy.

The Bible says, and this is pretty cool because a lot of people think it doesn't talk about masturbation directly, "Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil upon their beds! when the morning is light, they practise it, because it is in the power of their hands. And they covet fields, and take them by violence; and houses, and take them away: so they oppress a man and his house, even a man and his heritage. (it's refering to Israel in those days) Micah 2:1-2

But masturbation isn't the only sin on the planet. Just having an impure thought is bad. I'm good at not having one, the only problem is that occasionally a woman will walk by and I'll look her up and down. Years and years as a teenager of this habit is very hard to break.

There's also not putting in a full days work, which I sometimes do as a graduate student because I rationalize that I won't make any more progress that day.

That's about it as far as I know. Oh and not exercising enough.

EN[i]GMA
04-23-2005, 07:30 AM
Wow.

You follow so many rules. As a Christian, what CAN you do?

Impure thoughts are a sin? Fuck, I've written my ticket to hell already.

Lex Diamonds
04-23-2005, 10:59 AM
Wanking and talking dolls, and that's just one thread.

The politics forum is fucked, yo.

Classic Iconocl
04-23-2005, 11:24 AM
Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil upon their beds! when the morning is light, they practise it, because it is in the power of their hands. And they covet fields, and take them by violence; and houses, and take them away: so they oppress a man and his house, even a man and his heritage. (it's refering to Israel in those days) Micah 2:1-2

That's about it as far as I know. Oh and not exercising enough.

Not exercising enough??!! Why, you immoral BASTARD! Weren't you ever told your body is a temple? And you've DEFILED that temple with impure thoughts of womanizin', gherkin' jerkin', and sloth! YORE-UH-GUNNA-GOE-TA-HAIL!! :p

Regarding the above quote, it may indeed have been referring to ancient Isreal, but it sure reminds me of modern governments.

ASsman
04-23-2005, 11:28 AM
Hahah, I'm beating off while I write this. OMG!@#


Oh and yah, true Christians require early morning showers, along with a change of undies. Or just lots and lots of paper towels.

And pornography is as addictive as heroin. So be careful.

I need a fix.

catatonic
04-23-2005, 12:56 PM
Yeah but look how close I am to not having any problems that I know of. Also I exercised and worked and didn't look yesterday. Not having impure thoughts isn't hard when you pray for help.

And Enigma, it's easier when you're older.

ASsman
04-23-2005, 12:59 PM
Duh, you're sex drive loses .... drive.

Biology.

catatonic
04-23-2005, 01:05 PM
Imagine if I didn't have any problems when I was 26-36, then developed a problem, then got rid of it at the age of 40, and had no more problems and repented of my sins. Then that would be great!

EN[i]GMA
04-23-2005, 01:26 PM
Yeah but look how close I am to not having any problems that I know of. Also I exercised and worked and didn't look yesterday. Not having impure thoughts isn't hard when you pray for help.

And Enigma, it's easier when you're older.

I hope not, I enjoy my impure thoughts.

ASsman
04-23-2005, 01:38 PM
GMA']I hope not, I enjoy my impure thoughts.
Every day in Psychology class. Mmm, MILFy.

catatonic
04-23-2005, 02:12 PM
You needn't worry about being able to keep your impure thoughts. If you continue to seek them, you'll have them for life, and all the consequences thereof.

The sooner you can quit though, the less addicted you will be if in the future you want to have clean thoughts. If you prescribe to my beliefs, you can't dwell with God and have any kind of improper thoughts because it's God's kingdom and it has to meet a standard because it's God's kingdom.

ASsman
04-23-2005, 02:39 PM
You needn't worry about being able to keep your impure thoughts. If you continue to seek them, you'll have them for life, and all the consequences thereof.

The sooner you can quit though, the less addicted you will be if in the future you want to have clean thoughts. If you prescribe to my beliefs, you can't dwell with God and have any kind of improper thoughts because it's God's kingdom and it has to meet a standard because it's God's kingdom.
Meh, It's pretty obvious were the bass will be thumpin' and the girlies shakin' they thang.

catatonic
04-23-2005, 02:54 PM
You mean hell or something like it, obviously.

ASsman
04-23-2005, 03:27 PM
Papal Election Brings End To Worldwide Unsupervised-Catholic Sin Binge

VATICAN CITY—In the interim between Pope John Paul II's death and the election of his replacement, unsupervised Catholics seized the opportunity to sin without fear of reprisal, sources confirmed Tuesday.

"For two weeks, it was like Mardi Gras all over again," said Bryan Cousivert, a Catholic from Arizona. "People were drinking, cursing, and engaging in premarital or even extramarital sex. More importantly, everyone was being totally open about it. No one was worried about doing any penance at all!"

Continued Cousivert: "When the cat's away, the mice will play."

Paulo Verrazetti, a resident of Rome, said he and other Italians respectfully refrained from reveling until after Pope John Paul II's funeral.

"We all mourned John Paul II's death," said Verrazetti, who was at St. Peter's Square for the former pope's funeral. "But when Vatican officials said that final 'Amen,' you could feel something change in the air. Someone screamed 'festa!' and pretty soon Catholic women were going wild, running topless in the streets. Last month, seeing a woman with no clothes on would have sent me straight to the confessional. But without a pope around, well... Let's put it this way. For a couple weeks, Catholics the world over adopted the motto, 'If it feels good, do it.'"

Even those who only watched Pope John Paul II's funeral on television reported experiencing "feelings of newfound freedom."

"As they recited the Apostles' Creed, I remember thinking of all the things I want to do, but don't because of my devotion to the Church," said Antonio Valez, a Catholic from Mexico City. "As soon as I heard the pope was laid to rest, I said a prayer for the Holy Father's departed soul and went straight out and bought a box of condoms. Actually, I'm wearing one right now. It's been on all day and I'm loving it."

Carl Whitestone, an 82-year-old lifelong Catholic from Beaver Dam, WI said he experienced a similar sense of freedom.

"When I heard the pope was dead, the first thing I thought about, besides how much the great man will be missed, was the big bloody steak I was going to eat on Friday," said Whitestone. "When the pope was alive, I never would've thought of flouting the 1917 Pio-Benedictine Code Of Canon Law. But once he was out of the picture, I immediately bore false witness against my neighbor. And then I coveted his wife."

Many Catholics said they started out cautiously, limiting their misconduct to non-mortal sins: taking the Lord's name in vain, failing to contemplate the mysteries of the rosary, or sleeping in on Sunday morning instead of going to Mass. But when they saw no immediate consequences for their behavior, their sins became progressively more severe.

While church officials were reluctant to comment on how many recent murders might be attributable to the papal lapse, several cardinals said they were relieved when the papal conclave commenced.

"It was really getting out of control," said Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, the prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. "The pope is the gatekeeper between piety and anarchy. Without a papal presence, Catholics were thinking impure thoughts, manipulating their own genitals, and acting as if homosexuality was no big deal. Thank goodness we gathered to choose the new pope, or God's Kingdom on Earth might look like Sodom and Gomorrah by now."

Papal scholars said the recent bacchanalia was the worst in more than a quarter of a century.

"I haven't seen anything like this since Pope Paul VI died in 1978," said Fr. Robert Mendiga, a Jesuit priest at St. Andrew's School of Divinity in North Carolina. "This was the '70s, the era of pre-AIDS sexual experimentation and widespread recreational-drug use. Catholics, especially Americans, were quite willing to be led into temptation. It stopped when John Paul I was chosen, but when he died one month later, Catholics went right back to sinning."

"Yup," the priest added, gazing into the distance. "1978 was a very special year."

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4116&n=1

HAhaha. The pictures are hilarious you must check it out.

catatonic
04-23-2005, 09:51 PM
Haha. Good thing it's a joke.

skankforbrains
05-12-2005, 10:46 PM
Trust me, we really need the talking Jesus doll. This is a good thing