Recent amusing conversations

[Nuzzolese]

Not that you can recall precisely what was said verbatim, but you can give us the gist.

friend 1: I hate that there's so much traffic, we need to build an underground railroad
friend 2: Seriously, just like Rosa Parks
friend 1: I know!!
friend 2: Oh wait wasn't that Harriet Tubman?
friend 1: Didn't she make the flag?

****

Me: Hi Brad, nice jacket.
Brad: It's semen.

[enree erzweglle]

me: look at that gorgeous sunset.
him: where?

[Qdrop]

on the phone:

my friend: MJ NOT GUILTY! DANG....HOLLA AT YOUR BOY!
me:.......
me: are we gonna get our tuxedo's measured today?
my friend: yeah....after work. i'll meet you there.
me: cool.
my friend: BUT I'M SAYIN! NOT GUILTY! MURDA WAS CASE! HOLLA!... i'm out.

[TAL]

Me: It sure is empty here at the gallery, no visitors since last Wednesday.

*silence*

[Freebasser]

Friend one: ...
Friend two: ...
Friend one: ...
Friend two: ...
Friend one: ...
Friend two: ...
Friend one: ...
Friend two: ...
Friend one: ...
Friend two: LOL!

[Nuzzolese]

Keith: Oh man, it's coming up on five o'clock!
Me: If you think about it, it's always coming up on five o'clock.
Keith: You're annoying.

[enree erzweglle]

walking into the woods at 3a last week:

me: It's cold out.
him: Wrap your towel around you. It'll have a warming effect.

[Qdrop]

me: there...i fixed the order.
my boss: good. TB doesn't like mistakes.
me:....
me: did you just refer to yourself in the third person?
my boss: shut up.
me: AND with initials?
my boss: shut up.

[monkey]

me: are you two having sex on my floor?
david: no
alex: we're gonna have sex in your bed if you go shower though.

[ms.peachy]

yesterday, 5pm
mr.peachy: I'm going out with some folks after work for a drink.
me: On a Monday?
mr.peachy: yeah well it's Rachel's birthday.
me: you do what you like, but don't stay too late or drink too much, or you'll hate yourself tomorrow morning.
mr.peachy: I know I know, I'm just staying for one.
me: when in your life have you ever stayed for "just one?"

10 pm
me: that must have one very large drink
mr.peachy: well maybe I have three or five. But it's OK because I was drinking Jack & coke, not beer.
me:....because, Jack Daniels is, like, not drinking?
mr.peachy: no, because I didn't want to get so drunk.
me: so drunk as what?
mr.peachy: as when I drank beer!
me:....but...you're drunk right now.
mr.peachy: yeah...well...you're a devilwoman, anyway.

[enree erzweglle]

me: there...i fixed the order.
my boss: good. TB doesn't like mistakes.
me:....
me: did you just refer to yourself in the third person?
my boss: shut up.
me: AND with initials?
my boss: shut up.
This is hysterical. I don't think I'd laugh as it happened, but I'd be a little incredulous, as it sounds like you were.

[louise]

I asking my mum: doesn't she get's pissed ( like mad ) at you ?
my daughter : we dont pee on grandma !! ;)

[Nuzzolese]

Dad: Rory seemed clueless about the whole "gift" thing.
Me: What do you mean?
Dad: Well, he got his girlfriend a bunch of little glass rings in different colors.
Me: So?
Dad: They were all the same. I mean, how many rings can you wear?
Me: What does that have to do with anything? She already has a bunch of rings anyway, that doesn't matter. He was giving her more.
Dad: Like I said, he seemed clueless about the whole "gift" thing.

[Loppfessor]

most of these sound like lame attempts at Seinfeldesque humor....

[hpdrifter]

on the phone:

my friend: MJ NOT GUILTY! DANG....HOLLA AT YOUR BOY!
me:.......
me: are we gonna get our tuxedo's measured today?
my friend: yeah....after work. i'll meet you there.
me: cool.
my friend: BUT I'M SAYIN! NOT GUILTY! MURDA WAS CASE! HOLLA!... i'm out.

What are you wearing a tux for? Are you gonna post pictures?

[beastiegirrl101]

Me: It sure is empty here at the gallery, no visitors since last Wednesday.

*silence*


awe, this makes me sad. :(

[ms.peachy]

most of these sound like lame attempts at Seinfeldesque humor....
odd that you should say that... Last night while mr.peachy was out I was watching Seinfeld and he was having a conversation with Elaine and I thought, you know, it's weird how much their conversations are like ours sometimes.

I think being New Yorkers over here in London kind of exascerbates that feeling, because the way he and I talk is so different from the way our friends here talk. I don't mean (just) accents, I mean how we use words. For example, that whole thing of making a statement that's phrased as a question (as in, "What, I should have to wait here all day for you?") which is very noo yawkish, and probably owes a lot to the Jewish influence on the city.

[enree erzweglle]

me: I peed 39 mississippis yesterday and when
I didn't think I had any more mississippis left, 6 more came.

him: My record is 204 mississippis.
It was after a cola-drinking contest, which I won.

[Nuzzolese]

most of these sound like lame attempts at Seinfeldesque humor....

Maybe Seinfeld was just such a good show that it elevated the style of the average conversation to an art form, and people loved it so much because it reflected the funniest of conversations we've all had. Jerkwad. Furthermore Seinfeld was not an original format, it was highly reminiscent of old witty quips in the manner of vaudeville. Ever see any Marx Brothers conversations? Their back and forth nonsense was about nothing but the comedic timing of it coupled with common nothingness subject matter made it brilliant. It's humor of the people. It's Jewish humor, humor that influenced New York humor that influenced the TV shows and movies that influenced us all that reflected how we naturally see ourselves. Now what's the deal with airline peanuts?

[Lindsey_1535]

Drving down the street pumping shitty music
leanne: (sings song)
ashley: (singing)
me: haha its funny cause its just 3 white girls
leanne/ashley/me: ........
me: ohh wait your asian
leanne: oh ya

everyone laughs out loud all LOL and shit.

[Echewta]

me:Are you enjoying the pudding
friend:I think so. Are you sure this is pudding?
me: Yes I'm sure, what else could it be?
friend: I don't know. Maybe like some funky vegan paste wannabe pudding cup thing.
me: Its not. I swear to you its pudding
friend: Ok, its pretty good regardless.
me: Regardless? I told you its pudding, there is nothing regardless about it.
friend: Now I know how Joan of Arc felt.
me: She wore armor. Probably some serious chainmail.
friend: Those ring things?
me: Yea, those ring things.
friend: Thats pretty crazy someone sat there and clipped rings together to make a shirt and pants.
me: I suppose so. I wonder if they had needle nose pliers back then. That would have helped a lot.
friend: I doubt it. They probably used their teeth.
me: If they were British, they probably didn't have teeth.
friend: Why is that?
me: British have jacked up teeth. Like they nursed on rocks and bricks when they were kids.
friend: What do you think was wrong with their moms?
me: I don't know.

[iceygirl]

customer: my watches need new batteries, can you do this for me?
me: *i look at the first watch and see the brand* are these both <insert said brand> watches?
customer: yes
me: we dont sell that brand here and i cant change your battery
him: why?
me? because its a liability
him: well where can i get my batteries changed? i bought them in this store
me: *points to other department* they sell that brand over there, they may be able to help you (but i know they dont touch the watches either)
him: what department is that over there?
me: the costume jewelry department

****

husband and i are talking in bed early one morning
him: did you hear about tom cruise jumping on oprah's couch this week?
me: yeah
him: kind of weird behavior, eh?
me: not so much, really
him: you dont think so?
me: no, i think hes an alien, so its not so strange that an alien would behave strangely
him: *laughing* are you serious?
me: totally. i know that aliens walk this earth in human form
him: *more laughing*
me: im serious, sylvia brown says that they are even in montel's audience from time to time

[Qdrop]

What are you wearing a tux for? Are you gonna post pictures?

my other best friends wedding.

i keep getting picked to be best man...




yeah, i'll post pics a'plenty.

[cosmo105]

me: (kneeling in front of curlers in Target, trying to decide if i want medium or the variety pack)
some guy: (walks around corner of aisle, eyes light up and adresses me) hey, i guess everyone's here tonight!
(it was as if he had seen someone else there from some function/social something or other and thought i was someone else that was also from said what-have-you)
me: buh? excuse me?
him: (smiles, realizes he got the wrong person, keeps walking)
me: :confused:

[ms.peachy]

Was walking through the museum to meet a friend for lunch and there were these two boys, somewhere in the 10-12 year old range, standing in the middle of a display of several aircraft engines.

Kid 1: You could use stuff like this for a James Bond film!
Kid 2: Yeah!
(pause)
Kid 2: ...for what, though?
(slightly longer pause)
Kid 1: If they all blew up at the same time, it would look well wicked!
Kid 2: Yeah!

[HEIRESS]

coworker: *eating KFC* this is better than sweet potatoe piiiieee
me: gimme some skin
coworker: *raises hand for hifive*
me: chicken skin sucka
coworker: yer leaving me hanging
me: ok fine *SLAP* HEAD! SKIN! NOW!
both:....... *realization of a 'so i married an axe murderer' reference gone horribley wrong*
coworker: LOL OHHHH
me: Mmm crunchy foreskin Mmmmmm
coworker: :(

:/

[enree erzweglle]

coworker: *eating KFC* this is better than sweet potatoe piiiieee
me: gimme some skin
coworker: *raises hand for hifive*
me: chicken skin sucka
coworker: yer leaving me hanging
me: ok fine *SLAP* HEAD! SKIN! NOW!
both:....... *realization of a 'so i married an axe murderer' reference gone horribley wrong*
coworker: LOL OHHHH
me: Mmm crunchy foreskin Mmmmmm
coworker: :(

:/

I laughed hard at this. I love the gimme some skin stuff. :D

[enree erzweglle]

me: Mom! I got a joke for ya!
Mom: ok
Me: What did the Mexican Fire Fighter name his Twin Sons?
Mom:...
Mom: I give up.
Me: Hose A & Hose B
Me: ahahahahaha
Mom:...
Me: Hahahahahahahaa
Mom...
Me: Hahahahaa
Mom: You are so weird.
Mom: I love you so much.

Okay, so I just called my dad and told him your joke and he
laughed. And that was it. So I said, "Do you love me?" And he laughed.

It cracked me up. Maybe you had to be there.

[firecracker726]

What are you wearing a tux for? Are you gonna post pictures?

so you want to see pics of my man in a tux huh??? since I don't know if you are a guy or a girl.... I don't know if I should be jealous or frightened... :p

[marsdaddy]

Me: We're going to a block party.
Mookie: Yay! Block party.

arriving at block party, Mookie looking perplexed

Mookie: Daddy, when are we going to the block party?
Me: We're here. See, everyone's here, there are water ballon fights in the street, and 3 bbcue's cooking up good food.
Mookie: But where are the blocks?
:|

[Nuzzolese]

Cruel of you to mislead the poor child like that. He's so articulate I thought he was still a baby! They grow up so fast.

[HEIRESS]

coworker: hey lil girl, want some licorice!
me: errr what kind...oh black Oooo
coworker: yep, have a bite
me: *takes a licorice from pile and chews off a bite*
coworker: HEY I SAID A BITE GIVE THE REST BACK
me: *licks length of licorice* sure thing chief
coworker: awesome I wish they were sold in that state, buuut you can keep it!
me: if you eat all that black licorice you are gonna get the runnie bum bums baaaad
coworker: cool! pooing is too much work sometimes so anything to help me along would be great
me: ok yeah gross, seeyah!

[avignon]

me: Ya-ya, do you have to go potty?

Olivia, age 3, holding herself with both hands and doing the pee-pee dance: No.

me: Then why are you holding your private?

Olivia: It's my penis.

me: No, you are a girl, you don't have a penis. Boys have penises.

Olivia: What is it then?

me: It's your vagina.

Olivia, running accross the yard with both hands in the air, shouting: I have a vagina!!!

[avignon]

EBK (Elizabeth Katherine), age 5: Where does Walter live?

me: Amsterdam

EBK: Hamsterland!?! :eek:

[enree erzweglle]

EBK (Elizabeth Katherine), age 5: Where does Walter live?

me: Amsterdam

EBK: Hamsterland!?! :eek:

I love that so much.

I also love Mae's ma's story. "I'm so happy you're on drugs." ...made me smile. You got a good ma, Mae.

[avignon]

Text messaging--

Walter: Paul says hi back and sends you a hippo

me: I saw a hippo at the zoo take a crap once. It was gross.

Walter: Paul says it is a constipated hippo. He will probably die in a couple of weeks. But until then he is very sweet. Poor hippo. :(

me: Well he can crap in the pool cuz I don't swim.

Walter: You don't swim, baby?

[Fade2White]

umping a game last night
me:ball 4 take your base
coach:if you don't widen up your strike zone were gonna be here all day
me:what are you saying, just because your pitcher sucks he should get the benefit of the doubt?
coach:......
i was called later and told that the coach had reported me to league officials for using vulgar language

[like2_drink]

EBK (Elizabeth Katherine), age 5: Where does Walter live?

me: Amsterdam

EBK: Hamsterland!?! :eek:


i loved this one :D

at first I thought the kid asked " where does water live ". i thought that was awsome haha

[alruggs]

co-worker pretending to answer the phone: Thanks for calling Blah Blah Toyota where we like to eat your face, how can I help you?

boss: Que?

me: Did you just call him gay?

[avignon]

on the phone:

me: Sometimes I dream about having sex with women.
me: I'm not gay though.
me: Seriously, it's perfectly normal.
me: It happens to a lot of people.
me: I'm not weirdly abnormal or anything.
Walter: Could you shut up now, I'm trying to form a mental image.

[avignon]

I love this thread!

on the phone:

Walter: I had already drank quite a lot. I decided it was time to switch from vodka to coke, but I didn't want to get a new glass. So I dumped the coke into the glass with the vodka. Then I spilled it on my pants. I accepted this as divine intervention.
me: So you didn't drink any more after that?
Walter: Nope! No more coke after that.

[mickill]

Her: Do you know that you can hump an armpit?
Me: .....
Her: You can!
Me: That's nice.
Her: Have you ever done that before?
Me: What?!
Her: You have, haven't you?
Her: You perv.
Her: I can't believe you'd do that.
Her: Ew, you're so gross.
Me: yup




For the record, I have never humped an armpit. Not that I'm judging anybody who has.

[LOBSTER PRIZE!]

her: did you get disconnected?
me: no i was just done talking
her: why didnt you let me know you had to go?
me: I did, I hung up the phone
her: .....you could have said "goodbye"
me: I was trying something new
her: you're a fucking asshole sometimes

[enree erzweglle]

I was running with a friend today and the conversation drifted
and he told me that he wants a fucking VIKING FUNERAL
and he wants me to take care of it if I outlive him.
Which I probably won't because 95% of the women on my ma's side die in their early 50s.

Anyway, a viking funeral. WTF. Where would you even begin. Why.

(Although I breathed a sigh of relief because I initially misheard him and thought he said a VULCAN funeral.)

Then the conversation went like this:

me: I don't know. I think there are specific rules about how you have to be interred.
him: You said `in turd.''

[Tone Capone]

6 year old nephew (Josh): *singing and doing some stupid dance*
My Mom: Josh. Quit acting like that, we are in the middle of the store.
Me: Josh... what are you doing?
My Mom: Josh! Get over here
6 year old nephew: (yelling) I'M JUST PLAYING WITH MYSELF! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT GRAMMA?!?!

Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[WillMac]

Friend: "why is the word face pronounced the way it is. It should be pronounced fah-chay"
Me: "shut yer fah-chay drunkass"