to unmarried couples living together or about to be [Archive]

Mr Films

07-25-2005, 01:14 AM

zorra_chiflada

07-25-2005, 01:15 AM

iknowwhatchasayin :)

zorra_chiflada

07-25-2005, 01:22 AM

^ i don't think it's a negative thing at all.

Mr Films

07-25-2005, 01:26 AM

zorra_chiflada

07-25-2005, 01:29 AM

the only thing that might cause a bit of stress is if you're having money troubles, but since your relationship is so strong, you would be able to get through something like that together.

Mr Films

07-25-2005, 01:34 AM

yeah, i have worried about that one

she's got a career starting and I'm making independent films.

do the math.

HEIRESS

07-25-2005, 02:16 AM

Im semi-dreading this happening come january

mostly because we are going to have roommates

fuck shit whatever

Yorkshire~Rose

07-25-2005, 06:01 AM

I lived with my exfiance before, living together isnt what ruined the relationship. If you guys arent right for each other, you just arent right for each other. But it sounds to me that you really have no doubts about the relationship. You will be fine (y)

Absolutely. I 100% agree with living together before marriage - I lived with my hubby before we got married for 5 years and you really get to know someone y'know? Of course there will be things that will irritate the hell out of you and vice versa but those things are overshadowed by the great times you will have together and increased sense of security you will get.

Your relationship will change. But for the better!

Good luck Mr Films! (and good luck to you Aimee!) :)

ms.peachy

07-25-2005, 06:26 AM

yeah, i have worried about that one

she's got a career starting and I'm making independent films.

do the math.
Mr.peachy and I lived together for five years before we got married. During most of the time we have been together, he has had far greater earning power than I have. However, there was a period, after we'd been living together for about a year or so, that he was unemployed. He collected some unemployment benefit for a bit, but I was the major earner in that time period.

I think it was kind of hard for him at the time to be financially more dependent on me than I was on him. Not because he's a macho jerk who doesn't think women are equally capable or anything, but because, even though he knows I'm perfectly able to look after myself (and him if need be), he likes being a provider. He likes to be dependable and responsible. He likes to be the one who brings stability. I think a lot of men - modern, progressive men who readily choose strong and independent women - still feel that a lot of their identity is connected to their ability to provide financially, whether the woman 'needs' him to or not.

Your girlfriend obviously knows that you are trying to lay the foundations now in your life for a beneficial future. She no doubt believes in your talent and your vision and, it would seem, is willing to shoulder a greater share of the financial burden in order for you to pursue this. I don't think you two should have a problem as long as you both remember that you are in it together. As long as you are showing her that you appreciate having her in your life, she will probably be quite happy to continue letting you do so.:)

enree erzweglle

07-25-2005, 06:39 AM

If I could offer two bitts of advice.

Give each other space to still be individuals within your relationship.

Be prepared for an onslaught of so-when-are-you-getting-married? types of questions.

People like to nudge couples to go to the next level. Be prepared for people to half-seriously/half-jokingly ask that question. (It always amused me when people asked it and if I feigned offense or surprise, they'd say something like, "Oh, silly you, I was just joking!" [like I was the idiot for misunderstanding them] but then in the next breath, they'd ask the question again, more seriously. So funny.)

Some people move in together and think that it means that you should get surgery to attach yourselves at the hip. Then they get all insecure when one person wants to do something without the other person.

And friends/family will sometimes think this too--they'll think you're in trouble if you each maintain some degree of independence. (I had friends/family who insisted--repeatedly and annoyingly--that it was not healthy that we did things apart or that we had spaces in the apartment that were sort of his and spaces within it that were sort of mine. Sometimes they did what they did--voice their opinions strongly--out of maybe-misguided concern and sometimes I thought that they were just jealous. I couldn't find another reason for it and I could hear a tone in their voices that sounded a lot like disguised envy to me.)

So maybe be ready for that...give her space and take your own space, and be prepared to listen politely to friends/family who might pass judgement on how you handle your lives together as a couple and as individuals.

Yorkshire~Rose

07-25-2005, 06:46 AM

Be prepared for an onslaught of so-when-are-you-getting-married? types of questions.

Yup! And then when you get married all you hear is "so when are you having a baby?"

And friends/family will sometimes think this too--they'll think you're in trouble if you each maintain some degree of independence. (I had friends/family who insisted--repeatedly and annoyingly--that it was not healthy that we did things apart or that we had spaces in the apartment that were sort of his and spaces within it that were sort of mine. Sometimes they did what they did--voice their opinions strongly--out of maybe-misguided concern and sometimes I thought that they were just jealous. I couldn't find another reason for it and I could hear a tone in their voices that sounded a lot like disguised envy to me.)

Agreed! (y) My hubby and I have had people say this us. But it's what works for us. I think we'd drive each other to despair if we spent every living moment together!

ms.peachy

07-25-2005, 06:48 AM

I had friends/family who insisted--repeatedly and annoyingly--that it was not healthy that we did things apart or that we had spaces in the apartment that were sort of his and spaces within it that were sort of mine.
Bollocks to that, mate! Best thing that's ever happened to my marriage? Seperate bathrooms. (y)

enree erzweglle

07-25-2005, 07:10 AM

Bollocks to that, mate! Best thing that's ever happened to my marriage? Seperate bathrooms. (y)
*drools*

enree erzweglle

07-25-2005, 07:19 AM

Yup! And then when you get married all you hear is "so when are you having a baby?"
Yes!

I think I posted about this in another thread, but it's a pet peeve of mine because I chose to have just one kid. It was a conscious decision, but some people were bent on trying to find some hidden reason for why I never had another one...like maybe I secretly hated kids or maybe I couldn't have more. They tried every possible angle--some of them even said things like this to my kid, "Tell your mommy that you want a brother or a sister." (!) (!)

This one group of women at my work poked at that issue with me for a long, long time. It's like it REALLY bugged them that there was something about me that they didn't know.

This same group is just fucked up, really. They halfway taunt me for eating healthy foods & for exercising. They'll come by my office and say things like, "Do you have anything in here to eat that's not nuts and raisins?" and when I say no, they don't laugh about it with me--they look disgusted and just leave. Or sometimes they'll come by and say, "Oh, you're here. I thought you'd be out exercising." as if that's all I do and they have this tone to their voice...it's just juvenile.

I suspect that these ladies will be in that Red Hat brigade some day and when they are, I want to run by them and flick almonds and dried cranberries onto them and their hats. :D

adam_f

07-25-2005, 07:22 AM

Originally posted by enree erzweggle
I think I posted about this in another thread, but it's a pet peeve of mine because I chose to have just one kid.

edit: i didn't mean anything by it.

enree erzweglle

07-25-2005, 07:26 AM

You're old.
edit: He was joking.
I missed it because a smiley emoticon didn't knock sense into my head.
Sorry, adam. :o

adam_f

07-25-2005, 07:28 AM

Originally posted by enree erzweglle
And you're apparently very young.

In a week and a half I'll be the outrageous age of 19. Eligible for social security almost. Of course that depends if I'll even have it.

enree erzweglle

07-25-2005, 07:30 AM

In a week and a half I'll be the outrageous age of 19. Eligible for social security almost. Of course that depends if I'll even have it.
Happy birthday a week and a half early.

avignon

07-25-2005, 08:47 AM

I lived with two boyfriends before for extended periods of time-years. Well, not both boyfriends at once, you bunch of perverts! Both times, I felt like my own sense of self was being taken away from me. Near the end of the relationships, as I was very noticeably distancing myself from them, they both proposed. I think they did it to try to save the relationship (This sounds so weird, but it was the same scenario twice.) Both times, I broke it off when they proposed.
I guess my advice is, hang on to your separate identity and respect that of your partner.

kll

07-25-2005, 10:20 AM

yeah, everybody says it wrecks the relationship and all but I'm not worried about that.

pending some kind of horrible discovery, this girl is the one.

and I don't dick around when it comes to relationships.
a co-worker was so proud of herself for not having lived with her boyfriend prior to marrying him... she judged everyone else who lived together "in sin"... she got married, then found out that her husband was a lazy sack of shit who basically told her he did all this stuff, but in reality just sat around with the remote in his hand... they divorced after a year of marriage... i think there are pro's and con's in every situation... the older you get, the harder it is to NOT live together...

enree erzweglle

07-25-2005, 10:31 AM

a co-worker was so proud of herself for not having lived with her boyfriend prior to marrying him... she judged everyone else who lived together "in sin"... she got married, then found out that her husband was a lazy sack of shit who basically told her he did all this stuff, but in reality just sat around with the remote in his hand... they divorced after a year of marriage... i think there are pro's and con's in every situation... the older you get, the harder it is to NOT live together...
You get to be a certain age and if you're still living together, neighbors (mostly) sometimes make wild accusations about your arrangement behind your back. It's funny when those accusations come back around, though, and you can bring it up to the person & watch them squirm.

cosmo105

07-25-2005, 11:23 AM

enree gave some great advice, as always.

if there are major underlying problems in the relationship, they'll be magnified tenfold when you live together. but if you guys get along really well, you'll be in blissville. just make sure you both keep up on your chores and duties and share as many responsibilities as possible.

and never, EVER go to bed angry. :)

venusvenus123

07-25-2005, 11:29 AM

and never, EVER go to bed angry. :)
good advice, which isn't always easy to live by :(

i'm a great believer in living together (y) (y)

good luck!

cosmo105

07-25-2005, 11:31 AM

yep. it isn't always easy, but in the end, love always wins out over pride.

venusvenus123

07-25-2005, 11:34 AM

yep. it isn't always easy, but in the end, love always wins out over pride.
my problem is that my husband can just switch off and go to sleep saying "let's leave it till the morning" leaving me angry/crying/other random emotional state next to him.

we usually just end up having sex.
:p

TAL

07-25-2005, 11:35 AM

My parents have been living together for almost 40 years, and they're still not married. I'm a bastard.

kll

07-25-2005, 11:36 AM

My parents have been living together for almost 40 years, and they're still not married. I'm a bastard.
I think Turd's parents are the same way...

cosmo105

07-25-2005, 11:37 AM

but i'm willing to bet TAL's parents aren't related.

TAL

07-25-2005, 11:37 AM

Bastards?

beastieangel01

07-25-2005, 11:37 AM

yeah, everybody says it wrecks the relationship and all but I'm not worried about that.

pending some kind of horrible discovery, this girl is the one.

and I don't dick around when it comes to relationships.

Seriously, I say DO IT.

If it wrecks the relationship? Then you know it wouldn't have worked out if say, you didn't move in together, got married, THEN finally moved in together only to find out you two can't really get along.

I do not think I could ever get married to someone without living with them for a while before hand.

It tells you A LOT about a person, believe me.

cosmo105

07-25-2005, 11:38 AM

heh. lucky for me, neither of us are able to do that. we can't sleep without resolution.

beastieangel01

07-25-2005, 11:39 AM

YES!

I soooo wish i was capable of just flipping a switch and being able to sleep!

same.

I always keep my boyfriend up to talk things out first. I hate hate HATE going to sleep (or trying to go to sleep) upset/angry.

kll

07-25-2005, 11:39 AM

but i'm willing to bet TAL's parents aren't related.
oh, they are... TAL and TURD are cousins...

monkey

07-25-2005, 11:43 AM

i moved in with my bf, then i broke up with him. it was toooomuch. we were together 3 years.

sex wont fix everything, i learned. :(

Near the end of the relationships, as I was very noticeably distancing myself from them, they both proposed. I think they did it to try to save the relationship (This sounds so weird, but it was the same scenario twice.) Both times, I broke it off when they proposed.

oh yea. that too. why the hell do guys think that getting married will be the greatest thing ever? if im sick of you when we're dating, im gonna be less sick of you when we're married? :rolleyes:

Mr Films

07-25-2005, 01:09 PM

thanks for all the kind words, y'all.

now let's all focus on the massive amounts of sex I have to look forward to.

beastieangel01

07-25-2005, 01:10 PM

thanks for all the kind words, y'all.

now let's all focus on the massive amounts of sex I have to look forward to.

werd.

Morning sex, afternoon sex, anytime sex, sex on the kitchen & bathroom counters, sex in the living room, etc.

It's fun times.

cosmo105

07-25-2005, 01:14 PM

christen every room.

QueenAdrock

07-25-2005, 01:21 PM

I've been dating my guy for over 4 years, but still no talk of moving in together, basically because he doesn't want to be cut off from his dad quite yet. He still has one semester left at grad school, he can't risk it.

I'm all about unmarried couples living together, because if you're serious you should see if things can work out in a pseudo-marriage situation. I'd always want to live together before marriage, because it's once you're together every day when you realize the little things they do. Leave the toilet seat up, drink out of the milk carton, squeeze the toothpaste from the middle...all these little things add up, and you don't realize that they piss you off till you're living together. You should still have the option of being able to say "fuck this, he/she pisses me off" and leave the relationship, rather than have to go through a messy divorce, or have to live with them for the rest of your life.

Good luck, Mistah Films. (y)

Qdrop

07-25-2005, 01:24 PM

i'm assuming the people talking about "massive sex" haven't lived with thier significant others for more than a year?

it changes, people.

Mr. Films, the sex tapers off....considerabley...if that's all you are looking forward to...you might want to reconsider.

i've lived with 2 girlfriends now...(still with the second, we bought a house).
it is alot of work....and it DOES expose each other's weakness...and test just how compatible or UNcompatible you really are.
it's the ultimate litmus test...

or it seems to be, to me.

just like Pauli was saying about marraige not "fixing the problem"...
moving in with someone won't magically fix any relationship problems you have either- it will only expose them more.

oddly enough....there is virtually NO data to support that couples who live together before marriage...have any higher rate of success when they do get married. wierd.

ms.peachy

07-25-2005, 01:29 PM

oddly enough....there is virtually NO data to support that couples who live together before marriage...have any higher rate of success when they do get married. wierd.
I think that 'living together' is to our generation what 'first marriages' were to our parent's. Some friends and I were talking about this once, as we all married in our 30's but had pretty much all cohabitated with someone else in our 20's.

kll

07-25-2005, 01:29 PM

kll

07-25-2005, 01:33 PM

I'd always want to live together before marriage, because it's once you're together every day when you realize the little things they do. Leave the toilet seat up, drink out of the milk carton, squeeze the toothpaste from the middle...all these little things add up, and you don't realize that they piss you off till you're living together.

These little things add up if there are underlying issues at hand... seriously, there are a lot bigger issues to deal with like MONEY, bills, sharing responsibilities, family, friends, how you spend (or waste) your time, work schedules, etc... if you are fighting over squeezing toothpaste out of the middle vs. the bottom, you need to dig deeper to find out the real issue...

QueenAdrock

07-25-2005, 01:35 PM

Naw, I'm just saying like pet peeves. Real issues will become evident right away, but there are little things that you may not have even forseen that'll add up.

enree erzweglle

07-25-2005, 01:37 PM

Someone I know once said that during the first year after moving in together (or after getting married), you should put a marble in a big jar every time you have sex.

Then, after that first year, take a marble OUT of the jar every time you have sex.

The claim is that the jar will never be emptied.

Qdrop

07-25-2005, 01:39 PM

^ also, in response to Q's thoughts on the sex tapering off.... I think that this is thought to be a common problem in "marriage", but it's not the marriage that has it taper off, it's the convenience of it all - thus, living together, married or not, it will taper off...

and that's NOT necessarily a signal of a problem (unless it tapers off to absolutley nothing).
when you are with someone for years, the excitement gives way to comfort- which has it's own value, but unfortunately doesn't get the hormones pumping like they used to.

beastieangel01

07-25-2005, 01:39 PM

These little things add up if there are underlying issues at hand... seriously, there are a lot bigger issues to deal with like MONEY, bills, sharing responsibilities, family, friends, how you spend (or waste) your time, work schedules, etc... if you are fighting over squeezing toothpaste out of the middle vs. the bottom, you need to dig deeper to find out the real issue...

Money & bills are HUGE.

i.e. if your ass isn't paying your half of the rent, not paying for any of the food, and not cleaning any of the house ever (the other does), and went for two-three months living with the other and STILL not having SOME kind of job, expect the other person to be PISSED.

I think the way someone handles money and bills says a lot about them. That has been my experience anyhow.

Qdrop

07-25-2005, 01:41 PM

yeah, but I wonder how many doomed marriages dont happen because the people lived together first, realized it was a bad idea and separated.

very possible.
i mean, that was the case with my first live-in girlfriend.
we originally were all gun-ho about marriage after dating for 1.5 years....
but after another 1.5 years of living together, we knew were just not meant to be.....it was sad, but mutual.

Mr Films

07-25-2005, 01:42 PM

Mr. Films, the sex tapers off....considerabley...if that's all you are looking forward to...you might want to reconsider.

what?!?! the sex "tapers off"

fuck this, man. that was all i was looking forward to.

that and her making dinner and cleaning while I play fooooozbaaaaaallllllll

kll

07-25-2005, 01:42 PM

Naw, I'm just saying like pet peeves. Real issues will become evident right away, but there are little things that you may not have even forseen that'll add up.
Well, it depends too on the type of person you are... if you are a super neat freak, then those things are going to bother you more than the person who doesn't think twice about them... It would probably be difficult for a germaphobe/neat freak to live with a slob...

cosmo105

07-25-2005, 01:42 PM

always dutch oven her before she can do it to you.

beastiegirrl101

07-25-2005, 01:46 PM

Well, it depends too on the type of person you are... if you are a super neat freak, then those things are going to bother you more than the person who doesn't think twice about them... It would probably be difficult for a germaphobe/neat freak to live with a slob...

See this is the issue I have with living with anyone since my last roommate. . she was a slob and I am a neat freak. . .things were always a fight and she just didn't understand that the milk has to be in the right side of the fridge. And per that last comment this tells me I am not at all ready to live with anyone. . since I am just now getting used to having a cat around. But congrats to you. . .good luck and make sure you put the toliet seat down.

kll

07-25-2005, 01:46 PM

always dutch oven her before she can do it to you.
ohmygoodness - speaking of farts...

I had these two friends that I set up on a blind date and they have since gone on a couple of dates on their own... well, I went out with the guy for lunch last week to a Mexican Restaurant and the topic of beans/farting came up and I mentioned that I hadn't farted openly in front of anyone since college and he asked me if that farting openly happened to include the girl I had set him up with... I said, "yes", not thinking anything of it... Well, he brought it up to her at dinner and was like, "Yeah, I hear you guys used to fart all the time in college."... So, she's all upset with me now... you can't win - i tell ya!

beastieangel01

07-25-2005, 01:53 PM

ohmygoodness - speaking of farts...

I had these two friends that I set up on a blind date and they have since gone on a couple of dates on their own... well, I went out with the guy for lunch last week to a Mexican Restaurant and the topic of beans/farting came up and I mentioned that I hadn't farted openly in front of anyone since college and he asked me if that farting openly happened to include the girl I had set him up with... I said, "yes", not thinking anything of it... Well, he brought it up to her at dinner and was like, "Yeah, I hear you guys used to fart all the time in college."... So, she's all upset with me now... you can't win - i tell ya!

haha nice.

I say if someone can't handle the idea of farting, they will have a hard time. I mean, if you are around someone long enough and live together, farting will happen eventually. Just how it is.

cosmo105

07-25-2005, 01:53 PM

it's part of the territory with steger's crohn's. add the fact that i'm vegan, and you have some pretty intense dutch oven wars.

yeahwho

07-25-2005, 01:56 PM

If you can sneak a peek while the old ladies takin' a bath maybe you can find out if she's a snarfer.

Qdrop

07-25-2005, 02:08 PM

it's part of the territory with steger's crohn's. add the fact that i'm vegan, and you have some pretty intense dutch oven wars.

dude....
somethings you just don't.....dude...

cosmo105

07-25-2005, 02:09 PM

the other night i had a vegan pizza that had LOTS of jalepenos on it.

i actually felt pretty bad for him. :(

HEIRESS

07-25-2005, 02:14 PM

this thread is depressing

Qdrop

07-25-2005, 02:15 PM

this thread is depressing

why?

cause of the farting?

Rock

07-25-2005, 02:17 PM

The first time I heard my lady fart was the first time she heard me fart. We both couldn't hold out not farting in front of eachother anymore and decided to do it at the same time. It would have been REALLY romantic if we pulled eachother's fingers too, but it didn't happen.

Rock

07-25-2005, 02:21 PM

You guys should have done that at your wedding after the kiss.
Aren't married yet. But I will keep that in mind.

QueenAdrock

07-25-2005, 11:48 PM

My best friend is a huge farter, and we all tease her about it. She got a new boyfriend January of '04, and all of the sudden, the jokes had to stop. We couldn't even mention that she farted, let alone let 'em rip.

Then last year, on her birthday (coincidentally, a year ago today, July 26) we got her really really drunk because it was her 21st. Her boyfriend drove her home, and she was so shitfaced she couldn't get outta the car without help. So he helps her up, and squeezes a little too hard, and one escapes and she just starts wailing "OOOOOHHHH NOOOOOEEESS!" and then collapsed on the yard and started to cry. He thought her reaction to letting him know was pretty funny, so it worked out okay.

QweenOfBoggle

07-25-2005, 11:52 PM

hahahaha that's fucking awesome!

Mr Films

07-26-2005, 12:55 AM

how did this turn into the fart thread?

miss soul fire

07-26-2005, 10:16 AM

It's a good way to find out if you really love the person.

Not that I would do it. I mean. Me. Me. Religion and stuff. Not to mention, everything. I'd rather be on my own, which is selfish. I am sefish. I should work on that.

But great for you, yay! You are not selfish!:D

Dr Deaf

07-26-2005, 01:19 PM

so, I'm moving in with my girlfriend of 2 years next monday and for the first time I'm kinda freaked out about it. I've been so busy with work and filming the movie to even really stop and contemplate it. and she's out of town til saturday so we haven't even talked as much as we usually do. but now that I think of it.....I'm freaked out, not in the sense of not wanting to do it- i can't fucking wait, I'm so excited.

it's just weird to think after all this talk it's like "wow, it's happening"

knowhati'mmasayin?

i can totally relate. the 6 weeks i had before i returned to FL were sooo crazy i could barely keep up. i quit my job, sold all my belongings and car and tried to arrange a stag and doe. when were finally on the way back to FL, we got stopped and searched at the border by K9 and agents for a about an hour. the US customs agent thought it was suspicious that i said "we're going back to florida." i said back because we had just drove up to canada on the 17th, ffs.

they were certain we had dope in the car. so certain that they didn't even really question the validity of my "vacation." in n carolina we got pulled over by a trooper. sure we were speeding, but he wasn't about speed enforcement, he was all about intercepting drug runners. our smoove frankness assured him we're decent people that weren't running dope at all.

nice guy all around. beth is a heat bag i suppose. the stacked suitcases in the back seat that resembled bales, probably didn't help much either.

...but we made it. beth is a driving machine and i can't imagine suriving the 18-26 hr trek with anyone else, ever.

*raises roof*

little j

07-28-2005, 06:27 PM

about living together.
seth and i are pretty much official as far as living together. we have to compromise on chores. we're saving money. he has me on a budget, and he's on one too. if he wants to watch tv and i want to watch tv chances are he wants to watch sports center and i want to watch some home make over show or something, so compromise is key, even about little things. i dont paint my nails inside cause it gives him a headache. he doesn't poo in the same bathroom that i am taking a shower in cause thats just gross. its weird because i am invading his space, its his house, his couch, his bedroom, his tv. so learning the concept of "our" has been fun. we give eachother enough space. he has hobbies, i like to nap. we work together too, so there is usually a need to do my own thing, like now. he's watching whatever on the tv,and im next to him on the couch, and its like we dont have to pay attention to each other all the time. i think we are at a good point in our relationship. the real test will come when we have to pay for this house (next june) and split the bills. it will be interesting indeed.
about farting
seth lit a fart on our second date and it was the funniest thing i had ever seen. i slept with him for the first time that night.

it took a while for me to fart in front of him, now i do it quite regularly. i think he kinda likes it.

Mr Films

07-28-2005, 06:34 PM

only three days to go.

one thing that really sucks is on monday (the move), she has training for her job all day and we've only got a moving truck from 9 to 5. So, without her, I've got to go to her parents house and move all her shit out with my friends.

that'll be fun.

her dad's actually helping us- I'm fairly certain he likes me. her mom, on the other hand, will kill me first chance she gets. I stole her daughter. :rolleyes: