Is my bf being an ass or am I being high maintenance?

[hpdrifter]

Okay, lame topic, I know, but I need input, last night may have been the deal breaker for me.

In the morning my boyfriend said lets hang out tonight. I said sure, he said okay, I'll call you after work, then we both went to work. After work (5:30) rolls around, no call, at 6:30 I text him and say are we still hanging out? Nothing. At 9:30 he calls and leaves me a voicemail that says oh I went out to dinner with some bankers after work and I'm kind of beat now. Then sends me a text that says hope you had a good day. I was pretty pissed off and I think we need to break it off (this is not the first time something like this has happened). Its pretty sad considering we've only been exclusive for 2 weeks.

So am I right to break it off with him or am I just being high maintenance?

[adam_f]

A little high maitenance, but since this is the first reply, I'll withhold my final judgement until everyone else posts their opinion.

[Abe Froman]

it was his idea and then he burns you. If its happened before, it will happen again. Guess you need to sit down. Its not high maintence, its basic respect. Especially to your chick.

[DandyFop]

Why don't you talk to him about it and just say hey, don't make plans with me unless you intend to follow through or else I'm done.

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, I guess I could talk to him about it but I wish i didn't have to. I think its a respect thing too. I mean if he had just called me at 6:30 or whatever and said I'm gonna do this other thing that would have been fine, I would have just made other plans instead of wondering wtf until most of the evening was shot.

I mean, just 2 days ago he was bitching about how one of his friends does that kind of thing to him. He says oh yeah I'll be there and then doesn't show.

[bigblu89]

Yeah, give him at least 1 chance.

Let him know that since he was the one that asked to make plans, he should've called you once he found out he had to cancel.

If he makes up lame excuses as to why he couldn't/didn't call, kick him to the curb.

If he's covering his tracks 2 weeks in, I can't see this going well.

[ToucanSpam]

Sounds like he made a mistake. I wouldn't cut it off so quickly. Talking works well.

[hpdrifter]

Well the other thing I'm worried about is that we were friends for like five years before all of this started and I don't want to let it go until it gets so bad that I end up hating him. I guess I figure if I put a stop to it now at least we can probably still be friends on some level.

What pisses me off is that he pursued it. I wasn't all that interested. He's had a crush on me for years and now that he has me... :rolleyes:

[ToucanSpam]

Keep a cool head. Just sit down and talk about it. I mean it must be worth fighting for....

[TAL]

Take me instead.

[DandyFop]

You're making it too complicated. Just fucking communicate! Argh, sorry but it just bugs me when people won't just actually talk about something.

[ToucanSpam]

You're making it too complicated. Just fucking communicate! Argh, sorry but it just bugs me when people won't just actually talk about something.
That is what I'm saying!!!

[hpdrifter]

But the thing is, how many times can you talk to someone about the same thing before it gets ridiculous? Like I said, this isn't the first time this has happened...

[ToucanSpam]

But the thing is, how many times can you talk to someone about the same thing before it gets ridiculous? Like I said, this isn't the first time this has happened...
Just keep trying. Giving up is for quitters.

[kll]

But the thing is, how many times can you talk to someone about the same thing before it gets ridiculous? Like I said, this isn't the first time this has happened...
Make sure that you mention that this isn't the first time that you've had to discuss this with him in the text message that you send to break things off with him.

[paul jones]

My advice: Take yourself to Club Tropicana,where drinks are freeeeeeeeeeeee.Fun and sunshine,there's enough-for-everyone.All that's missing is the seeeeeeeeeeeeea.But I don't want it,You can suntaaaaaan oh!

[NurfBallJeaneus]

2 weeks in and this is happening. This is the time when things are supposed to be exciting and you can't wait to see each other.

If this is happening this early, he isn't too into you. Break it off now while it's still easy.

[kll]

2 weeks in and this is happening. This is the time when things are supposed to be exciting and you can't wait to see each other.

If this is happening this early, he isn't too into you. Break it off now while it's still easy.
Tis true. If he's too beat to see you, then something's not right. This is the time when you are living off 3 hours of sleep due to not being able to keep your hands off each other, going to work, then doing it all over again the next night.

[NurfBallJeaneus]

Tis true. If he's too beat to see you, then something's not right. This is the time when you are living off 3 hours of sleep due to not being able to keep your hands off each other, going to work, then doing it all over again the next night.

(y) Yup

[mp-seventythree]

You're not being high maintenance, your boyfriend however is being an inconsiderate prick.

[Abe Froman]

MP! Such language! Please!

[cookiepuss]

first of all you've only been exclusive for two weeks, so you need to remember that he probably doesn't see this as a serious relationship quite yet. I'd say if you start going off about this he's gonna think "shit we aren't married--we've only been togethr two weeks!" I'm not saying it's ok for him to stand you up, but I think given that this is a new relationship that you need to have a little patience. it not always easy to integrate someone into your life when you are use to being on your own and not having anyone to answer to.

honestly the smartest thing you can do is not wait around for him when he makes plans and then you don't hear from him. He needs to learn that if he makes plans and doesn't follow through, you aren't going to sit at home by the phone. you're going out with your friends. see how he likes them apples.

hey wait a minute...you're in seattle. this guys name isn't mike is it?

[beastieangel01]

Why don't you talk to him about it and just say hey, don't make plans with me unless you intend to follow through or else I'm done.

yep.

I also agree with cookiepuss.

[mp-seventythree]

MP! Such language! Please!

Hey, it's not like I called the guy a fucking twat or something
:confused:

[wanton wench]

it was his idea and then he burns you. If its happened before, it will happen again. Guess you need to sit down. Its not high maintence, its basic respect. Especially to your chick.
yeah what he said

i like the way you think abe :)

[Abe Froman]

^ I can't help it :(

[enree erzweglle]

A good friend of mine is very, very laid back and being on time to him
means having a slip time of 15-30 minutes. I've known him for >15 years
and I've come to understand him and let it go when he takes advantage
of his slip time. He's come to try to be more punctual.

I learned, when I am due to meet him, to always have a book going.
That way, I'm not wasting any time. I choose to compromise to do
that because we are very close friends--there's more of an investment
between us.

And for him, his lateness usually happens because he stops along
the way to help someone either at work or in mail or on the phone.
In all of the years that I've known him, when I've called him with a
question that involves taking time with me, he's never refused my
request. And that's probably made him late for someone else. Once
I realized that about him, I didn't mind when he was late.

I knew someone else--a long time ago--who would be late as
a passive aggressive thing, as a way to keep the upper hand in a
relationship. And that's fine with me--I never mind giving that stuff over
to someone, but I didn't like that he played games, so our friendship
didn't last for very long.

I guess you've got to figure out whether this is just the way your friend
IS (and if he's often late for good reasons) or whether he's playing games.
I'm not a fan of game playing but I don't mind waiting for a friend who is
either disorganized or who stops to help people when they need it.

[wanton wench]

^ I can't help it :(
well thats a good thing (y)
so why the :(
relationships need more respect!

[kll]

A good friend of mine is very, very laid back and being on time to him
means having a slip time of 15-30 minutes. I've known him for >15 years
and I've come to understand him and let it go when he takes advantage
of his slip time. He's come to try to be more punctual.

I learned, when I am due to meet him, to always have a book going.
That way, I'm not wasting any time. I choose to compromise to do
that because we are very close friends--there's more of an investment
between us.

And for him, his lateness usually happens because he stops along
the way to help someone either at work or in mail or on the phone.
In all of the years that I've known him, when I've called him with a
question that involves taking time with me, he's never refused my
request. And that's probably made him late for someone else. Once
I realized that about him, I didn't mind when he was late.

I knew someone else--a long time ago--who would be late as
a passive aggressive thing, as a way to keep the upper hand in a
relationship. And that's fine with me--I never mind giving that stuff over
to someone, but I didn't like that he played games, so our friendship
didn't last for very long.

I guess you've got to figure out whether this is just the way your friend
IS (and if he's often late for good reasons) or whether he's playing games.
I'm not a fan of game playing but I don't mind waiting for a friend who is
either disorganized or who stops to help people when they need it.
I enjoyed this post very much. It gave me a new perspective. Thank you.

[hpdrifter]

honestly the smartest thing you can do is not wait around for him when he makes plans and then you don't hear from him. He needs to learn that if he makes plans and doesn't follow through, you aren't going to sit at home by the phone. you're going out with your friends. see how he likes them apples.

hey wait a minute...you're in seattle. this guys name isn't mike is it?

This is great advice. I probably should have done something like that. But it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because the fact that we didn't hang out is not what bothers me. What bothers me is that he just flaked. And I think that's rude whether you've been dating 2 weeks or 2 years whether you're sleeping together or just friends. And a phone call to say I'm not coming doesn't mean married, its just common courtesy IMO. If he had just called and said I'm going to grab some dinner, I'll call you tomorrow or something I would have been fine with that. And he hates it when his friends do stuff like that to him.

Yeah, I'm in Seattle. No, his name isn't Mike. I did date a guy named Mike, though. For four years. We just broke up in January.

[abcdefz]

I'd Brundlefly a few of these responses and just say, "Yeah; let's make a plan for 7o'clock. If I don't hear from you by 7:30, I'll assume something else happened and I'll just go about my business."

On one hand -- yeah, you've only been together for two weeks, but -- to me, anyway -- it's at the very beginning when people are trying to make a good impression, etc. In other words, if it's like this now, it'll just get worse unless the guy gets some training in boundaries.

You don't have to be mad about it or use it as a reason to break up (unless you want to); just let himk know that your night's not on hold until he finally decides whether or not to communicate that, "Oh, yeah, well, er... something came up." That's disrespectful bullshit, frankly.

[hpdrifter]

I guess you've got to figure out whether this is just the way your friend
IS (and if he's often late for good reasons) or whether he's playing games.
I'm not a fan of game playing but I don't mind waiting for a friend who is
either disorganized or who stops to help people when they need it.

Again, good advice and if he had just been late, maybe, but to have not shown up at all or called to say he wasn't coming? I still think that's lame.

[NurfBallJeaneus]

Again, good advice and if he had just been late, maybe, but to have not shown up at all or called to say he wasn't coming? I still think that's lame.


....then you've answered your own question on what you should do.

[JBernas]

I enjoyed this post very much. It gave me a new perspective. Thank you.

Me too...I agree with enree, however, this wasn't simply being late. It seems like he made plans, then blew her off without having the courtesy to let her know he was doing something else. It was very convenient that he didn't call her until it was too late for her to make other plans. I don't believe in playing games in relationships. If something is bothering you or if the other person did something to piss you off....TELL them. It will never work anyway if you can't talk to each other.

I say you give him one more chance. If it seems like something like this is about to happen again (he makes plans but by 6:30 hasn't called you back), call up another friend and go out without him. Don't waste your evening. You can always dump him when you get home ;)

[cookiepuss]

Yeah, I'm in Seattle. No, his name isn't Mike. I did date a guy named Mike, though. For four years. We just broke up in January.

hee yeah well you never know. I have, or should say had a friend named mike in seattle (who I ended up having a disasterous long distance relationship with-our mutual friend set us up and shoud have known it would never work). Anyway, it just kinda reminded me of something mike would do. Go after a girl and then treat her poopy once he gets her. :rolleyes: poopy head.

[abcdefz]

Anyway, it just kinda reminded me of something mike would do. Go after a girl and then treat her poopy once he gets her. :rolleyes: poopy head.




90% of all guys do a variation of this.

[cookiepuss]

90% of all guys do a variation of this.

so true. about 80% of the guys I've gone out with have done it to me.

[enree erzweglle]

I'd Brundlefly a few of these responses and just say, "Yeah; let's make a plan for 7o'clock. If I don't hear from you by 7:30, I'll assume something else happened and I'll just go about my business."
Which is something else that I'd do and have done with that first
guy that I mentioned.

The point in that, though, was not to use it as a punishment. I mean,
some people that I know do that ("I'll start without you if you're not
here by <n>") and then they start the thing by themselves but then
they pout over it. With my friend, I often did just start things on my
own and he'd know where to find me, and it was okay when he did show
up.

I do agree though, now that I re-read the post, your guy friend should
have called to tell you that he wasn't going to show. The way he did that
reminds me of that other guy that I mentioned--the one that tried to get
the upper hand all the time. Like I said, I'm fine with giving that over. I just
didn't like that he had to be that way, you know? If you think he's
doing that to be that way, then you've kind of got to figure out whether
you're the type of person who can write that off for the duration of your
friendship.

I can't if it's part of a mind game. I don't tolerate things like that in relationships.

[YoungRemy]

i am afraid i may have slipped up my own relationship

i didnt call my girl when our tentative plans to meet got botched, but we are a year into the relationship.

she pulled the old "am i not your priority?" guilt trip , but as a stuborn guy in a relationship I stood my ground.(i was supposed to end up in her neighborhood because of work but my plans changed- i never ended up in her hood)

all girls want is a phone call or a reasonable explanation why we cant see them...

they don't want to be left waiting for the call and being stood up...

i know i made a mistake, but this is how important communication is in a relationship.

as stated before, dont let your man slip two weeks into the relationship.

at the same time, make sure he is just as serious about all of this as you are. i mean two weeks in, does that mean it "became official" or you just started dating two weeks ago??

maybe you need to define the boundaries of the relationship...

[abcdefz]

Which is something else that I'd do and have done with that first
guy that I mentioned.

The point in that, though, was not to use it as a punishment.



Yup.

[wanton wench]

90% of all guys do a variation of this.
explain why please !

[hpdrifter]

i am afraid i may have slipped up my own relationship

i didnt call my girl when our tentative plans to meet got botched, but we are a year into the relationship.

she pulled the old "am i not your priority?" guilt trip , but as a stuborn guy in a relationship I stood my ground.(i was supposed to end up in her neighborhood because of work but my plans changed- i never ended up in her hood)

all girls want is a phone call or a reasonable explanation why we cant see them...

they don't want to be left waiting for the call and being stood up...

i know i made a mistake, but this is how important communication is in a relationship.

as stated before, dont let your man slip two weeks into the relationship.

at the same time, make sure he is just as serious about all of this as you are. i mean two weeks in, does that mean it "became official" or you just started dating two weeks ago??

maybe you need to define the boundaries of the relationship...

No, we dated for about a month, month and a half something like that and then became official about 2 weeks ago.

[YoungRemy]

interesting, also, that he left you a voicemail and left you a text.

credit by contact, thats what i call it.

sometimes dudes know we are slacking and simply dont want to make the call and get bitched at.

[hpdrifter]

On one hand -- yeah, you've only been together for two weeks, but -- to me, anyway -- it's at the very beginning when people are trying to make a good impression, etc. In other words, if it's like this now, it'll just get worse unless the guy gets some training in boundaries.


This is what I am worried about.

Thanks allayall for indulging me in my Friday afternoon neuroses. I think the advice I've gotten in this thread rules. Still don't know what I'm gonna do or if I'm gonna see him tonight like we had planned, but I'll figure it out.

[abcdefz]

explain why please !



...same reason that women don't believe in sex after marriage. :D

[hpdrifter]

interesting, also, that he left you a voicemail and left you a text.

credit by contact, thats what i call it.

sometimes dudes know we are slacking and simply dont want to make the call and get bitched at.

Yeah, but he called and texted and let me know too late for me to have done anything with someone else.

The irony is that if he had called he wouldn't have gotten bitched at, but now he probably will.

[abcdefz]

Yeah, but he called and texted and let me know too late for me to have done anything with someone else.

The irony is that if he had called he wouldn't have gotten bitched at, but now he probably will.



No reason to bitch about it; just let him know.

Plus, if this scenario keeps playing out, you might as well bitch at yourself as him.

[wanton wench]

...same reason that women don't believe in sex after marriage. :D
:D ha ha ha




not all women believe that ya know!






really! ;)

[enree erzweglle]

Yeah, I wouldn't do any bitching. It won't get me anywhere except into
an argument sooner or later. (Unless, of course, he's really open to
changing 100%, but even people who are open to that usually wind up
resenting people who force a change. Best to hope that he just decides
not to do that anymore, maybe with a little non-bitchy help along the way
from you.)

I don't like contentious relationships...life's way way too short.

I just realized that it's 4:30 and I've only had a piece of toast and a
banana today. I've got to go and eat something.

[abcdefz]

:D ha ha ha




not all women believe that ya know!






really! ;)





...Snopes.com has a page about such things.

[abcdefz]

I don't like contentious relationships...life's way way too short.






(y)

[CrankItUp!]

He's obviously boofing someone else.

[ms.peachy]

one thing that I picked up on here that no one's mentioned yet is, you say HE pursued YOU for the relationship - and yet now he has blown you off a few times?

i don't want to make huge judgements based on the little bit of information you've given us here, but that did set of an alarm for me.

Just sayin'...

[ma belle]

i'd say go and do whatever you want to do with your life anyway - like you would do if you weren't in a relationship - and if he wants to be part of your life he'll be there, and if he doesnt then he'll drop away from you and a better person will come along instead.

that's how i'm here editing a film while my girl is getting the sun in on a greek island. she's still right here in my heart though :D

[hpdrifter]

one thing that I picked up on here that no one's mentioned yet is, you say HE pursued YOU for the relationship - and yet now he has blown you off a few times?

i don't want to make huge judgements based on the little bit of information you've given us here, but that did set of an alarm for me.

Just sayin'...

What kind of alarm?

That he's boffing (or boofing) someone else per snickermaltliquor? Its entirely possible.

[ms.peachy]

What kind of alarm?

That he's boffing (or boofing) someone else per snickermaltliquor? Its entirely possible.
no, that's not what I meant. What I mean is, maybe he's one of these types that gets off on the 'chase' - he gets to 'prove' that he can 'win' you, but then once he does, he respects you a little less for succumbing, if you see what I mean.

I'm not saying this IS the case - I have only the limited information you've given here. But I have known people - men and women - who are like this. They want you, as long as they don't have you. Then once they do, you're no longer a challenge, and so not nearly as interesting. Like a kid who begs and begs for a particular toy, gets it and plays with it for a while, then puts it aside.

That's the alarm I heard. But again - pure speculation on my part.

[mickill]

You need to kick him to the curb, girlfriend.

[adam_f]

edit: really not worth it

[zorra_chiflada]

i wouldn't say you were being "high maintenance"
there's nothing wrong with having high (but reasonable) expectations from your partner - especially at the start of a relationship.
as enree said, life's to short to be in contentious relationships.
if you think that your boyfriend is unable to change and comprimise, and he is making you unhappy, don't feel like you have to stay with him.

[hitmonlee]

Okay, lame topic, I know, but I need input, last night may have been the deal breaker for me.

In the morning my boyfriend said lets hang out tonight. I said sure, he said okay, I'll call you after work, then we both went to work. After work (5:30) rolls around, no call, at 6:30 I text him and say are we still hanging out? Nothing. At 9:30 he calls and leaves me a voicemail that says oh I went out to dinner with some bankers after work and I'm kind of beat now. Then sends me a text that says hope you had a good day. I was pretty pissed off and I think we need to break it off (this is not the first time something like this has happened). Its pretty sad considering we've only been exclusive for 2 weeks.

So am I right to break it off with him or am I just being high maintenance?

guys suck grrrrrrrr

my exboyfriend was just like that
so i'd go out and do my own thing, but it would get to like 1am and still no call, so i'd end up caving and calling him.
i wasn't as important to him as he was to me
in your case maybe he just has different priorities to you.
let him know that you like to be told when he's going to do that
if he doesn't change...