Serious relationship dealbreaker

[abcdefz]

This is a poll. This is only a poll. Please wait to respond until the poll is up and at 'em.



Okay. So you've been dating just long enough or it's gotten just serious enough that you just found out a significant nugget about your Significant and/or Potentially Other. You know what I mean.

Yeah yeah yeah... there are individual cases, etc., but let's just say that, in most cases, you would break off the romantic relationship if...

..which of these things were part of your lover's history (or present, as the case may be)?

Vote for one or more, then let us know, if you're comfy about it.

[voltanapricot]

Pedophillia, no way. Next to that would be violent crime if they were still actively commiting it.

Illness and addiciton are problems you can help them through. Pedophillia and violent crime are far too severe a problem for many to cope with, in my opinion. I couldn't handle those.

How could you expose your emotional vunerabilities to those who have done such things to physically and mentally harm other people?

[abcdefz]

I forgot to put anything about "serious disagreement about baby-making/child-rearing issues."

Also white vs. red wine. :(

[CrankItUp!]

Ok , lets say that your in a college romance with a girl. And you've been taking it slow and only making out to keep it sweet. And just right before you get to the point of scoring some well anticipated nookie - you find out talk from some people an awful revelation about her. As it turns out - she smoked pole fucking left and right in highschool. And this shit disgusts the hell out of you because of all the kissing involvement with her. I consider this grounds for a DEFINITE relationship dealbreaker myself.

[voltanapricot]

Red vs. White wine, simple. White wine removes red wine stains, therefore more superior, pour me a whole glass now you stupid bee-hatch!

Anyway the childbearing thing is a toughie. I sometimes wonder if it's true when I hear of people pressurising their partners into trying for children if they are actually trying to fill a gap left from their own childhood, as it often suggested. It's like someone is being used for their baby-making skillzzz rather than being invited to take a step further in a relationship through the presence of a bambino.

Summary: I don't think any relationship where at least one person cares too much about children over what they have with their partner already is probably not worth it. I don't think I'm right, these are just my thoughts.

[enree erzweglle]

I said Other and the other is lying. That's the deal
breaker for me. I can deal with just about everything
else but I don't know how to trust someone who lies
and I don't know how to be in a serious relationship
without trust.

[ToucanSpam]

Here it is:

Cheating. I've been cheated on before. I immediately end it if I was cheated on. No real need for discussion about it....

Violence, be it towards friends, family, or myself.

Um, Pedophillia? Jeebus. Ain't even going to touch that.

Overall, I would say anyone with a history of violence/crime/deception would be out the door like a bat out of hell. Honesty is important to me, so I think I would know about any of these before the relationship got too serious. I'm not saying like a mental or physical disease would end it on the spot, I guess it depends on what it is....I don't think I answered anything very well...I have a hard time explaining my thoughts.

[little j]

Also white vs. red wine. :(

hahaha.

yeah pedophilia. the other things (except maybe violent crime, especially if currently commiting) could be worked through. i dont think i could handle someone who looks at children like that.

promiscuous sex isn't a big deal if you both get tested. whats in the past is in the past.
live for the present and plan for the future.

[Drederick Tatum]

white wine is for teenage girls. a real alcoholic drinks only red.

[little j]

a real alcoholic doesn't discriminate.

[Drederick Tatum]

true, he just mixs them together and vomits blood.

[Documad]

I said Other and the other is lying.
Were you hanging out with the dalai lama too long? You're okay with Violent crime, Pedophilia, and Mental illness so long as he's honest about it. :)


I need an "all of the above" option. Actually, some of those depend on when the issue arises. I couldn't leave someone I loved who was ill, but I wouldn't take that on intentionally. If you think you can around someone with serious financial problems, talk to my sister. Her ex-husband ruined her life before she got rid of him. And it doesn't say the promiscuity is in the past.

I'm glad you're all anti sex with kids though. It's good to know exactly where the board's moral compass is. :p

[Knuckles]

I need an "all of the above" option.

just what I was thinking (y)

[cookiepuss]

Ok , lets say that your in a college romance with a girl. And you've been taking it slow and only making out to keep it sweet. And just right before you get to the point of scoring some well anticipated nookie - you find out talk from some people an awful revelation about her. As it turns out - she smoked pole fucking left and right in highschool. And this shit disgusts the hell out of you because of all the kissing involvement with her. I consider this grounds for a DEFINITE relationship dealbreaker myself.

don't think it's posible that those people might just be talking smack? it's a fucking rumor. if it bothers you that much maybe you should ask her about her past.

[Mr Films]

the problem I'm running into at the moment is what I like to call "Scheduling Problems"

see, she has a career. she's doing exactly what she wants and is settled as far as the J-O-B goes. I am, shall we say.....not. who the fuck knows where I'll be in ten minutes let alone next year.

anyways, so there will no doubt come a time when she's ready for the family thing- which, don't get me wrong- I want. I want kids, the house- all of it. But, I want all that when I feel stable enough to start thinking about it.

I feel like our settling down clocks will go off at different times.

This may seem small to some but we've discussed it and it seems like it just may have potential to blow the whole thing wide open.

[The Notorious LOL]

I cant believe someone said an illness. Thats pretty fucking selfish depending on the circumstances. HIV yeah, something like Cancer though?

[enree erzweglle]

Were you hanging out with the dalai lama too long? You're okay with Violent crime, Pedophilia, and Mental illness so long as he's honest about it. :)
Yeah, he and I are on a first name basis now.

I just chose the thing that happens often (that we're all most likely to
have been a victim to in any sort of relationship) and that might be
hard to get over for a variety of reasons. Some of the things you mentioned
are awful, but they don't happen to just about everyone. Whereas lying, cheating, and wine happen on a nearly daily basis.

[venusvenus123]

I said Other and the other is lying. That's the deal
breaker for me. I can deal with just about everything
else but I don't know how to trust someone who lies
and I don't know how to be in a serious relationship
without trust.
it's ok if he fucks (or wants to) little girls and boys, so long as he tells you about it?

[HEIRESS]

I mix red and white all the time

thats the same combo I like in my men too
://///////////

[enree erzweglle]

it's ok if he fucks (or wants to) little girls and boys, so long as he tells you about it?
So does answering the question--with one choice--mean
that you condone the others.

The odds are much more slim that I'll date a pedophile
than a liar. I went with the answer that I thought presented
a feasible scenario and was something that I wouldn't handle well.

[abcdefz]

a real alcoholic doesn't discriminate.


I dunno. I'm a pretty full-blown alcoholic, and when I've fallen off the wagon, it's only been with good stuff. Ice cold Pabst on a desert island after 15 days without water just wouldn't tempt me.

[abcdefz]

So does answering the question--with one choice--mean
that you condone the others.

The odds are much more slim that I'll date a pedophile
than a liar. I went with the answer that I thought presented
a feasible scenario and was something that I wouldn't handle well.



-- ah -- that's where the bump is in communication whithin this thread; the option on this poll is to vote for as many of those things as you want. Unlike Baskins 1 Flavors, you could go hog-wild here, if you wished. :D

[ScarySquirrel]

I voted for violent crime, being a pedophile, and mental illness that would sometime's make 'em socially inoperable.

I think the first two are pretty self-explanatory as to why and the last one is just something I know that I couldn't personally deal with. I don't have any (known) mental disorders myself, but I've seen a couple of my friends in relationships who do have a couple and it looks like it's something that can take a lot of time and get you nowhere in the end. Top it off with the fact that people already have enough problems, and I'm certainly no exception, and it's just adding insult to injury if you ask me.

But, I'll take someone who had mental illness. Same with violent crime. Just as long as they're not still doing it, we're cool like ice. The whole pedophilia thing though is a bit much to me, I think. No dice.

[miss soul fire]

Relationships are so damn complicated. If there wasn't an urge to have sex and satisfy my biological motives I wouldn't even consider it!

[ms.peachy]

Any of those could potentially be dealbreakers for me; it would really depend on the specifics.

[Documad]

I cant believe someone said an illness. Thats pretty fucking selfish depending on the circumstances. HIV yeah, something like Cancer though?
What's the difference between HIV and cancer? What about ALS? If you started dating someone and it's looking good, but you find out that she was just diagnosed with a serious illness that will require round the clock care in 2 years and she'll be dead in 5, are you up for that? Or were there things you wanted to do with your own life in your 20s?

I've had friends die from disease. I've got a family member in her 50s who is withering away with a terminal illness. I'm responsible for my mother for the rest of her life. I wouldn't walk away from someone who got sick, but I wouldn't chose to get involved with someone who was very sick if I knew it ahead of time. It's too fucking hard. My hope is that I will have a year at some point in my adult life where I'm not responsible for someone else. And that I'm healthy and wealthy enough to enjoy it.

[TonsOfFun]

Cheaters :mad: Cus that is lying and I hate liers.

Oh, if the option 'can walk more than 8 steps before running out of breath' was on there, I would of voted for that :mad:

[avignon]

I voted pedophilia, but here's my question. How could these things be deal breakers? Like you were in the relationship before you found things like this out about the person? That seems weird. Or does it mean deal breaker as in, ok since I just found out that you are a violent money grubbing slut, then this is just going to be a one nighter?

[ToucanSpam]

I voted pedophilia, but here's my question. How could these things be deal breakers? Like you were in the relationship before you found things like this out about the person? That seems weird. Or does it mean deal breaker as in, ok since I just found out that you are a violent money grubbing slut, then this is just going to be a one nighter?
If you are trying to say that it makes no sense how these issues can come up DURING a relationship rather than before, then I agree. You would think that something like being a pedophilliac would you know, surfaced, what with the naked pictures of little boys and girls in their house.

I had something else to say but I forgot it.

[enree erzweglle]

I voted pedophilia, but here's my question. How could these things be deal breakers? Like you were in the relationship before you found things like this out about the person? That seems weird. Or does it mean deal breaker as in, ok since I just found out that you are a violent money grubbing slut, then this is just going to be a one nighter?
This is sort of why I changed the question that I answered--I think
without even realizing it. The odds of so many of us encountering in our
serious relationship things like pedophilia, murder, violent crimes, etc
and not having any real clue about that in the person ahead of time
are pretty slim. But we've all lied/been lied to, cheated/been cheated
on, etc. That's why I said lying.

In my mind, if the poll stands, then we have to add these things to it:
. is a cannibal
. is no longer breathing
. likes country music

[adam_f]

Originally posted by enree erzweggle
In my mind, if the poll stands, then we have to add these things to it:
. is a cannibal
. is no longer breathing
. likes country music

If we add those, we have to add 'looks like Horshack'

[abcdefz]

I can't stand a woman who has no mind of her own. That's a huge dealbreaker, especially when she wants to borrow mine all the time.

[enree erzweglle]

I can't stand a woman who has no mind of her own. That's a huge dealbreaker, especially when she wants to borrow mine all the time.
Wishy-washy people, in general, can be irky. It's like they put the
burden of their existence on everyone else. (On the other hand, though,
it's a fine balance because I don't much care to be in the company of
overbearing people either. I like a person who has strong ideas/beliefs
and is secure enough in those things to let you be the person that you
are without crusading for change.) I am so, so fortuntate to know some
strong/secure people like that. But the wishy-washy people or the overbearing
ones in my life are blessings in their own way because I learn how to be a
tiny bit more patient from them. I have to remind myself of that a lot. :o

[Documad]

I'm glad that people are still not cool with sexual predators who prey on children and they're not cool with violent crimes (whatever that means).

I'm puzzled that so many people want to get involved with the mentally ill though. Probably why our society is going down the toilet. You're probably thinking that everyone's medicated already. Mental illness is better than too much sex. Wow. :rolleyes:

My most realistic pet peeve is the wishy washy as enree said. I can't stand always having to decide where to eat, what show to see, what time to leave, etc., and never knowing if he is really enjoying it or hoped that I would pick pizza instead of Vietnamese.

[ToucanSpam]

I'm puzzled that so many people want to get involved with the mentally ill though. Probably why our society is going down the toilet.

If I am reading this right, I just lost a heaping pile of respect for you.

[Documad]

TS, sorry, but I would not choose to become involved with someone who I knew to be mentally ill and non socially functioning or however a-z put it.

Again, I have a family member who has a significant other who has struggled with this unsuccessfully and I wouldn't by a ticket to that party.

Would you knowingly make the choice ahead of time to have a child with someone who is mentally ill? With someone who might not survive the child's kindergarten? With someone who gambles compulsively so that your child might not have a place to sleep? Or is sex really the only deal breaker? Religion isn't important to me, but someone who is religious should probably want to raise kids with someone who is religious.

I think it's appropriate and cute for young people to think that love conquers all.

[ToucanSpam]

TS, sorry, but I would not choose to become involved with someone who I knew to be mentally ill and non socially functioning or however a-z put it.

Again, I have a family member who has a significant other who has struggled with this unsuccessfully and I wouldn't by a ticket to that party.

Would you knowingly make the choice ahead of time to have a child with someone who is mentally ill? With someone who might not survive the child's kindergarten? With someone who gambles compulsively so that your child might not have a place to sleep? Or is sex really the only deal breaker? Religion isn't important to me, but someone who is religious should probably want to raise kids with someone who is religious.

I think it's appropriate and cute for young people to think that love conquers all.
Who said anything about kids? A relationship doesn't always have to involve the k word. No, obviously you would not want to bring a child into the world knowing they wouldn't have a chance at a normal life. But the relationship does not have to yield a child.

Death is part of life, if I found out the woman I end up with is going to die, I don't end the relationship because they are dying. If we have a kid and find out she is going to die, I dont abandon ship on the first thing floating, you know? As for knowing they are going to die before the relationship began, well, it depends on how you feel.

Gambling? Gambling is a mental addiction. It's also breakable.

Sex is a significant part of a relationship, but only as significant as you and your partner makes it.

Religion.......I don't want to touch that.

Anyways, after typing all of this I am still unsure what the hell you and I are talking about. I think I do but I dont want to make an ass of myself trying to guess if I am right or not.

[enree erzweglle]

If I am reading this right, I just lost a heaping pile of respect for you.
You probably are misreading it because I don't think
she's saying that.

[ToucanSpam]

I think I am misreading it too, but I'm not sure.


Is it wrong or stupid to believe that 'love conquers all'? Is that too cliche?

[Documad]

Ha! This is the silliest discussion.

I was thinking about who I would decide not to enter into a serious relationship with if I knew ahead of time, not what would cause me to leave one if it came up later. When I talk to my friends about deal breaker, that's what we always mean.

Frankly, I have life experience with everything on that list. But not the part where I'm in the serious relationship with that person, thank god.

I think that unless you have made it physically impossible for you to father children, you should think hard before entering into a serious relationship with someone you don't want to father children with. Because it happens a lot when you don't want it to. And don't leave it up to your mentally ill girlfriend. :p

Even without the kids, I don't get why someone would want to date the non-socially functioning mentally ill. Life's too short and I'm too selfish.

[enree erzweglle]

I think I am misreading it too, but I'm not sure.


Is it wrong or stupid to believe that 'love conquers all'? Is that too cliche?
I don't know--I think it's a romanticized outlook and
that's sweet, but it's also an outlook that requires a lot
of hard work and dedication and compromise, which a
lot of people tend not to want (or know how) to do.
In my experience, it's easy for love to conquer the
little things, but those big things--some of them
seem designed to challenge people to the max
and overturn the effects of love. It's hard.

[ToucanSpam]

Life's too short and I'm too selfish.





I see....I think I understand you now, unfortunetly.

[ToucanSpam]

I don't know--I think it's a romanticized outlook and
that's sweet, but it's also an outlook that requires a lot
of hard work and dedication and compromise, which a
lot of people tend not to want (or know how) to do.
In my experience, it's easy for love to conquer the
little things, but those big things--some of them
seem designed to challenge people to the max
and overturn the effects of love. It's hard.
Things that take a lot of hard work are the most rewarding. :)

Maybe it's my innocence or me being just stupid, but I do think 'love' can beat anything. I've rarely seen a case where it failed. Obviously divorces and all....

I don't know, I have a lot of living left to do before I think we can be on the same level regarding this. I have this fairly narrow-minded view of it because I have seen only good, and have yet to be majorly jaded...am I making sense?

[enree erzweglle]

Life's too short and I'm too selfish.

I think it's okay to be selfish some of the time. (When
I'm not selfish to a degree, then I can't help people in
the long run in the way that I want to.)

God I'm on some preachy ass pedestal tonight!
I must need sleep. Nighty night everyone.

[Documad]

I think that it's natural for young people to think that love conquers all. I wouldn't want it any other way.

That's what makes Americans spend $40,000 plus on a wedding because they believe they will make it despite the odds.

Love fades or at least changes. You need more than love. Common values are important. Many people still think they can fix their partner. They probably can't. People should do a lot more thinking before they get involved in serious relationships.

[Documad]

well i have a mental illness and reading this stuff makes me :( :( :(
I'm truly sorry if I hurt your feelings. a-z said mentally ill and can't function in society. I know several people who have been diagnosed as mentally ill but are getting help and do function in society. That's very different in my opinion.

[Documad]

One of the sexiest guys I've known had a pretty serious physical disability. :)

[Documad]

Born that way. It was a kind of palsy (sp?) and his dad had it too but he got it much worse. It was very limiting. And when you first met him it was seriously distracting, but he was so smart, funny, and sweet, you forgot it after a while. And then he was hot.

[Documad]

you wouldn't have children with someone who's mentally ill but would have children with someone who is mentally disabled?
Well I won't be having children at all. I never ever wanted to.
But if I were going to have a child, I wouldn't do it with someone who was mentally disabled. Being a parent is a tough job.

[marsdaddy]

Promiscuous, mental illness, financially irresponsible, problematic friends, addictive personality, violent, pedophile looking for same. email me at pmifipfapvpd@crossedlovers.com

[ToucanSpam]

Love fades or at least changes. You need more than love. Common values are important. Many people still think they can fix their partner. They probably can't. People should do a lot more thinking before they get involved in serious relationships.
Love fades? I don't know if I agree....again, I am far too young.

People shouldn't have to fix their partners. The way I see it is, if you love them in the first place, I just don't see why you need to 'fix' things....again inexperience talking.




If it isn't broke, why fix it?

[Rancid_Beasties]

If it isn't broke, why fix it?
But these are situations where it is "broke", and you can't fix it, so maybe the best thing to do is break off the relationship before you are both dragged down into the abyss that is a failed relationship and a mucky break up.

[ToucanSpam]

But these are situations where it is "broke", and you can't fix it, so maybe the best thing to do is break off the relationship before you are both dragged down into the abyss that is a failed relationship and a mucky break up.
I didn't really mean that when talking about the poll, I thought we had shifted the conversation to things other than violence etc. My bad.

[Rancid_Beasties]

Well Documad was probably talking about fixing a partner in the context of a partner having a serious problem such as one of the ones mentioned by a to z. So when you say that you shouldnt feel the need to fix a problem, such as a mental illness or violence or something like that, well its obviously just going to allow that person to keep acting the way they do and not get the help they need. So its gonna drag them down, and its gonna drag you down as a victim. Its better not to even get involved in such relationships.

[ToucanSpam]

Its better not to even get involved in such relationships.
Well, duh. :D


I still stand by my original statements. For the most part.


It seems like everyone else in this thread has like at least 10 more years of life experience to draw from...I hope I added something to this thread. :o

[Rancid_Beasties]

Well, duh. :D


I still stand by my original statements. For the most part.


It seems like everyone else in this thread has like at least 10 more years of life experience to draw from...I hope I added something to this thread. :o
I'm younger than you, I'm just more bitter/pesimistic :)

[ToucanSpam]

I'm younger than you, I'm just more bitter/pesimistic :)
I kind of didnt mean you, you just kind of jumped in here in the past couple minutes. :D

[Rancid_Beasties]

I kind of didnt mean you, you just kind of jumped in here in the past couple minutes. :D
:mad:

[hitmonlee]

difference is religion is the main one for me.

i am tolerant in many ways, but unfortunately i am fairly close-minded and intolerant when it comes to religion. there is no god, and i have trouble understanding those who believe in a god. especially those who abide by the morals of their religion, instead of morals based on their own experiences or common sense.

i have never dated a religious person, and only have one religious friend. she thinks god is a "nice thing to believe in", even though her mostly scientific mind tells her that there is no god.

violent crime - i hate this. find a better way to deal with things.

also can't stand sexist or racist people.

[Rancid_Beasties]

^ What about somebody who is agnostic?

[hitmonlee]

agnostic is fine :)
i used to be agnostic myself.

[zorra_chiflada]

difference is religion is the main one for me.

i am tolerant in many ways, but unfortunately i am fairly close-minded and intolerant when it comes to religion. there is no god, and i have trouble understanding those who believe in a god. especially those who abide by the morals of their religion, instead of morals based on their own experiences or common sense.

i have never dated a religious person, and only have one religious friend. she thinks god is a "nice thing to believe in", even though her mostly scientific mind tells her that there is no god.



yeah, i can relate to that. but to be honest, i've never personally known anyone who is religious (apart from my mother who came from an uber-catholic family). i think it's something to do with living in australia, or maybe not, i don't know.

[Rancid_Beasties]

yeah, i can relate to that. but to be honest, i've never personally known anyone who is religious. i think it's something to do with living in australia, or maybe not, i don't know.
They exist, theres some christian club at uni that keeps trying to get members, and seeing as I look like the typical nice guy they always come up to me with pamphlets and crap and I'm like "no thanks" but they just shove it at me, much like the socialist alliance and the liberal club. Why aren't there clubs that just rely on their clubs being good enough to attract members without having to intimidate people into accepting stupid pamphlets.

Also 3 of my friends are fairly staunch catholics, but thats a low number considering I went to both a catholic primary and high school. And I sung in the melbourne (st patricks) cathedral choir...but I'm not religious, I just did it for the scholarship :D

[hitmonlee]

yeah, i can relate to that. but to be honest, i've never personally known anyone who is religious (apart from my mother who came from an uber-catholic family). i think it's something to do with living in australia, or maybe not, i don't know.

well we are a pretty multicultural society, so a lot of different religions are represented, but a large percentage of australia call themselves christian. (i think about 70%)

i think many of these people aren't actually christian, some of them may loosely believe the concepts, but i've met a number of people who believe that because they were christened or baptised or whatever happens, it means they are christian/catholic even if they don't believe in god!

i'm not sure where all these people are hiding, cause yeah i hardly know any religious people, and neither of my parents are religious.

my sister in law is religious though (went to a private boarding school). my brother has a hard time dealing with that, but clearly it is not a dealbreaker for him.

i think if i met an amazing person and they were religious i'd still date them, but it would end up being a sore spot, and i'd probably try and fight with him over his beliefs all the time.