Parents

[DandyFop]

I'm kind of having a rough time lately. It's a lot to explain, but there's just this tension in my house and between my parents that I've never felt before. They've been married 33 years now.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that my mom has changed a lot over the past few years. When I was in high school, she was going to get a second bachelor's degree in art teaching. She was modivated, busy, intelligent, dependable. But now it seems she's taken a downward spiral. She has a lot of health problems (chronic back pain and Hepatitis C), and she's just a very different woman it seems. My dad has a hard time dealing with it. And so do I, obviously, but more than anything the fact that it's hurting their relationship is what is hard to deal with.

Also, my sister has recently moved back in with us. She is, literally, going insane and saying that her husband has a conspiracy to kill her because she discovered that he's the leader of a worldwide bisexual cult or some shit (I am not joking here). She also was/is a meth addict, for over 10 years at least. And she's a full-blown alcoholic....anyway, long story short, having her at the home obviously makes things a little tense. Also, I think my dad's ready to let go but mom isn't.

There's always much more going on than I can explain, but to get to the point of it, I'm very scared that my parents won't survive these problems. The thought of them not being together is completely unbearable to me. If anyone had ever met their soul mate, I believed it to be them. I talked to my dad, a little bit, and I think he's going to get counseling to try and deal with everything.

But I am still scared shitless.

Sorry to open up this can of worms on all of you...but I'm just looking for somewhere to vent. I'm not really looking for advice or anything, and believe me, with my sister, we've tried everything. I'm just looking for an outlet, to people who aren't involved in the situation, who don't know any of these people.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar to this? It's becoming so hard to deal with, but I'm going to let them know what's going on soon. Even though I don't know if it will help.

Blah.

:(

[cosmo105]

i wish i knew what to say, barb. except that i'm sorry your family is going through this and i hope things work out sooner rather than later. <3

[jabumbo]

i love barbara

[Medellia]

I don't know what to say. I hope things change for the better. If your dad does get counsiling then it will probably help alot. I don't know of anything I could say that would be of any use to you though. :(

[DandyFop]

thanks peeps :o

[The Notorious LOL]

counselings a good idea provided both of them actually want to work towards bettering themselves and their relationship. Chances are if they've been married 33 years they've dealt with a lot of dramatic shit in the past and got thru it together.

[DandyFop]

Yeah, which is what I keep reminding myself of. The only different factor is though, how much mom mom has changed. That's the real challenge here. So we'll see.

[The Notorious LOL]

well in that aspect she should probably pursue counseling or support groups to deal with her health issues. Im sure your dad would be very supportive of her as Im sure he is now in her dealing with it all. People deal with and live with chronic health problems. I cant really speak much on that personally....I know the Hep C thing is more or less described as a "monster in the basement" kind of thing which will more than likely not pose any real threats to a persons life but is more the psychological impact of knowing you carry it. That, of course, is possible to work thru because people live with it and deal with it. I think its mostly all a state of mind really. Those who havent dealt with a lot of hardship that suddenly get a plate of shit deal with it with a lot more difficulty than those who have always kind of dealt with problems in life. In due time Im sure she will realize that she has no choice but to live her life as she once did because things wont be as they were before but the choices are give up or keep on and giving up sucks after a while.


Have you ever told her how you feel about any of this? If not, you should really do so. Sometimes the best thing for a person whos down on themselves is to see how their attitude towards it affects those they care about.

[ms.peachy]

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope your parents do get some counseling.

Sounds like your sister is going to be a real drain on everyone though.

[DandyFop]

well in that aspect she should probably pursue counseling or support groups to deal with her health issues. Im sure your dad would be very supportive of her as Im sure he is now in her dealing with it all. People deal with and live with chronic health problems. I cant really speak much on that personally....I know the Hep C thing is more or less described as a "monster in the basement" kind of thing which will more than likely not pose any real threats to a persons life but is more the psychological impact of knowing you carry it. That, of course, is possible to work thru because people live with it and deal with it. I think its mostly all a state of mind really. Those who havent dealt with a lot of hardship that suddenly get a plate of shit deal with it with a lot more difficulty than those who have always kind of dealt with problems in life. In due time Im sure she will realize that she has no choice but to live her life as she once did because things wont be as they were before but the choices are give up or keep on and giving up sucks after a while.


Have you ever told her how you feel about any of this? If not, you should really do so. Sometimes the best thing for a person whos down on themselves is to see how their attitude towards it affects those they care about.

Yes.

It hasn't helped.

She's dealt with hardship for a lot of her life.

It's hard to explain...but getting back to her old self...is not going to be easy, and not possible totally with this disease probably.

She's in a therapy group.

Sorry, just in the negative vibe right now. But I am going to really really lay down on her how much it's really affecting the entire dynamic of our family, and how much just a little bit of co-operation in getting her life jump-started could really help everyone.

[Qdrop]

i want to hear more about this "bisexual cult" conspiracy...

sounds stellar....


as far as the marriage thing....
hell, my parents divorced-remarried-divorced again...etc.
my extended families have divorced numerous times....i'm surrounded by it.
it's all i know...
i guess i'm at the opposite end of the spectrum.

[Tzar]

yeah, get your sister to post here. she'd, unfortunately, fit right in.

i dunno what to say either 'ey. my folks never went through councelling because my dad didn't even tell mum what was up. he just said he's leaving....

the posts above have provided more sense and maturity i'll ever offer. hope it all works out though. (y)

[Dr Deaf]

One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, "Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it."

"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty," replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?"

"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility.

Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of he poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.

He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile.

That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.

To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: "gimel, zayin, yud", which began the words "Gam zeh ya'avor" --

"This too shall pass."

At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.

[Nuzzolese]

I'm sorry, Barb. It sounds awful. Your family is your life. LOL had good advice, I wish I could give you some too. I don't have any perspective on it to do you any good. I'm just sorry. It will make for great material for you to work from though. Your dad sounds like a strong person. Sometimes if two people join forces you can take on the others in the family with more clarity. I wish you the best.

[Bob]

i wouldn't know what to tell you about your sister, but i've been through the parents divorcing thing. they divorced the summer before i went to high school. i think that was the year my grandma and uncle died, too. that was a bad year.

anyway the divorce thing; it's probably a lot like a break up (i say probably because i've never been through a break-up); for a while it hurts like shit, and you cry and you yell and it seems like your world is ending, and in a way, it is, insofar as your world has always consisted of your parents living together. then eventually, you get over it. that's how it worked for me anyway. i turned out ok. in the end, i think it was for the best. they've both moved on to other relationships and they're both happy. life goes on, etc.

[Lindsey_1535]

I didnt know there was anything wrong with my parent relationship then one day BAM hey kids were getting a divorce and we hate each other!!
So at least your kinda in the know. Hope everything work out for ya hun. :)

[monkey]

im sorry about your situation too. dealing with your sister must be especially difficult. i am sorta going through/went through the thing with the parents. my parents decided to separate about 3 years ago.. sorta...

my mom changed too. she had grown up kids and realized she didn't know anything else outside of us. that's when she started "growing up" and that meant separating from my dad. they arent divorced because... uh... i guess cause she lives in chile and they dont want to deal with the annoyingness that brings. and i honestly think that in the back of their minds, they think they're gonna live together again once my dad retires and goes back to chile. my parents dont fight. they have "talks". they talk to each other almost everyday on the phone or online. they have a million and a half things to deal with together, from us kids, to their properties, to dealing with family shit. but my parents cant be together, because they were stagnant together. they were together more than 25 years before this all started going on. if you still count now, they've been together 28 years. my mom is only 44. you do the math.

it's hell to deal with, and at the same time, it's like.. it;s their life and i most definately cant be angry at them for trying to be happy. but, selfishly, i want everything to work well between them and we can be a little happy family.

i would suggest therapy, for your family and for you to vent to when this shit gets hard to deal with. because sometimes, it does. it's like.. rationally, you understand your parents, as a grown up, you have to. but they're still your parents, and there's a part of you that still wants them to be perfect like they were when you were a child.

i hope things turn out for the best. for all.

[Bob]

I didnt know there was anything wrong with my parent relationship then one day BAM hey kids were getting a divorce and we hate each other!!
So at least your kinda in the know. Hope everything work out for ya hun. :)


same with me. apparently discontent had been brewing for some time, but i didn't notice. how would i know what a normal marriage looks like? the only marriage i knew was my parents. i figured it was normal to sleep in different rooms, and not eat dinner at the same table, and sleep at coworkers' houses...hmm

[Documad]

Counselling has pulled together some relationships with less going for them than your parents'. If they're willing to try that, it's a good sign.

I'm old, I've had intense family drama my whole life, and I've gotten stuck in bad situations. I'm stuck in a horrible one now with my mom and siblings.

I know this sounds trite, but you need to remind yourself all the time of what is your responsibility and what is not your responsibility. (btw, I suck at that, even after decades of trying.)

Whatever happens with your parents and sister, it isn't your responsibility. At your age, your job is to focus on getting on your feet and building your future so that you can be strong and take care of yourself. When your parents are at their best, it's what they really want for you too. When parents are weak or they feel helpless, they sometimes confide in kids when they shouldn't. You aren't a counsellor and it isn't your job to fix your family. It's natural that you're going to talk with your dad about family problems, but keep encouraging your parents to see someone who has more resources than you.

Sometimes, especially with really sweet young women, you have to force yourself to be a little bit heartless in going ahead with your life. You won't really be heartless, but if you feel a little bit heartless, you're probably in somewhat reasonable territory. You can't end up caretaking for your family. That's a horrible role, as I know from personal experience. It can also hurt them.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[DandyFop]

Thanks, everybody, for the kind words. It's helped me think about the different sides of the situation.

I think it's also hard because I never thought I could meet two people that loved each other more, and to think that they have problems scares the bejesus out of me when I consider my future marriage/relationships whatever.

Anyway...I'm pretty positive things will be okay but I still appreciate you guys listening. Thanks.

[enree erzweglle]

I hope things improve. It's so hard to watch things like this happen when you're on the inside like that (you're so close to everyone). I hope you can get some perspective, and that you have friends and maybe other family to help you out.

[Knuckles]

Crazy kids can really cause turmoil in a marriage. My parents had to send my sister to a place in Utah called Cross Creek Manor because she was so out of control (drugs/violence/mental problems).

I hope everything works out for you and your folks.

[Echewta]

No fun :(

Its the sister a thorn in their side that needs to be pulled from the house because its not letting your parents put their time into each other? It all goes to her?

[DipDipDive]

Counselling has pulled together some relationships with less going for them than your parents'. If they're willing to try that, it's a good sign.

I'm old, I've had intense family drama my whole life, and I've gotten stuck in bad situations. I'm stuck in a horrible one now with my mom and siblings.

I know this sounds trite, but you need to remind yourself all the time of what is your responsibility and what is not your responsibility. (btw, I suck at that, even after decades of trying.)

Whatever happens with your parents and sister, it isn't your responsibility. At your age, your job is to focus on getting on your feet and building your future so that you can be strong and take care of yourself. When your parents are at their best, it's what they really want for you too. When parents are weak or they feel helpless, they sometimes confide in kids when they shouldn't. You aren't a counsellor and it isn't your job to fix your family. It's natural that you're going to talk with your dad about family problems, but keep encouraging your parents to see someone who has more resources than you.

Sometimes, especially with really sweet young women, you have to force yourself to be a little bit heartless in going ahead with your life. You won't really be heartless, but if you feel a little bit heartless, you're probably in somewhat reasonable territory. You can't end up caretaking for your family. That's a horrible role, as I know from personal experience. It can also hurt them.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

^ This is probably the best advice that anyone can give in a situation like this.

I know how you feel, Brabs. I think you and I are similar in that our families are very important to us, and if anything comes along that rocks the boat as far as the family dynamic is concerned, it throws us for a loop. Doc is right, though - you can't be a counselor. All you can do at this point is tell your parents what's going on in your head. Make sure they know that you're not expecting them to fix everything for your sake, but voice your concerns and your observations. Your dad will probably be relieved that you're kind of feeling the same way he is, and your mom might be inspired to adopt a more positive outlook once she's made aware that her attitude is hurting you. I wouldn't tell your mom that her behavior is hurting the entire family, though. That might intimidate her and make her feel worse, and honestly, you can't really speak for anyone but yourself.

On a mildly related note, I went out to dinner with my mom the other night, just the two of us. That was the first time in a long, long while that she and I had been alone together and had a chance to really talk. My mom and I used to be super tight, like best friends, and I don't know what it is exactly, but something about our relationship has changed in the past few years and it seems like we're not as close as we used to be. I brought that to her attention when we were out together. I told her that I feel like we don't have the same relationship that we had before, and she said, "good. I'm glad we don't. If we did, that would mean that neither one of us has changed since then." And I realized that she's absolutely right. Relationships evolve because people evolve. We all are constantly learning and growing and dealing with hardships that mold our personalities and transform us, in large and small ways, which naturally effects the interactions we have with the people we care about.

Such is the case with your mom - she's going through a transformation, and sure, right now it sucks because she's dealing with some shit that's hard for her and it's having a residual effect on your father. But that residual effect will force him to transform with her if he's willing, and all of this might bring their relationship to a whole new level when all is said and done. If they really love each other, which they seem to from what you've said about them in the past, they'll get through this. There's no way that your parents have been together as long as they have without dealing with some bumps in the road that they've managed to get over. As long as your dad doesn't give up on her and she doesn't give up on herself, it'll be aiiiiiiight. <3

[ToucanSpam]

I've never directly dealt with anything like this, so I'm pretty ignorant...the only thing I guess I can offer is do your best to love your family, you only get one, and things will work out for the best for you, I hope you and your family can solve your problems in a way that doesn't hurt anyone....

If you ever need anyone to rant to, there's tonnes of people here willing to listen, including me yo. :)

[Echewta]

So to all you kids all across the land, take it from me, parents just don't understand.

[DipDipDive]

So to all you kids all across the land, take it from me, parents just don't understand.

Like Hallmark cards, there's a Fresh Prince lyric for every occasion. Except maybe a Bat Mitzvah...

[Echewta]

I could find something but I'm too lazy.

[zippo]

add me to the "presently having parents being divorced" list

if theres one thing i definetly recommend, its preparing yourself for the worst, which in a way you already have judging on some of the things youve said. thats all, prepare youself for the worst. if it doenst come then youll feel a bit of relief within the caos.

i, on the other hand, sure did not prepare myself for the worst and between last year and this one ive been through many ugly surprises. i think id prefer to be a kid and not an adult at the moment, so I wouldnt have to end up being so involved. but then again, if you see someone in your family needing help, then you give it out, right? since in this particular country theres noone else for her, me and my brother are there, 24/7, counseling the whole way through. im not complaining, im venting.

i never in my life imagined the possiblity of my parents not being together either but look at them now...! its crazy


good luck (y)

[CrankItUp!]

Hey DandyFop - I really hope that things pan out for the best with your parents. (y)

[DandyFop]

if theres one thing i definetly recommend, its preparing yourself for the worst, which in a way you already have judging on some of the things youve said. thats all, prepare youself for the worst. if it doenst come then youll feel a bit of relief within the caos.


i never in my life imagined the possiblity of my parents not being together either but look at them now...! its crazy


good luck (y)

ack :(

[zippo]

As long as your dad doesn't give up on her and she doesn't give up on herself, it'll be aiiiiiiight.

exactly. this is exactly what it is about. once one of them doesnt have the interest to not give up, its over.

its not so much that people change and are then different people over the years and blablabbla....since the FIRST day the two people involved in a couple have been conscious of each others flaws, annoyances and negative sides, but because love, understanding, respect, etc were also there they accepted those first things. but if there comes a day where you give up, you dont want to accept the negative parts anymore, you dont care about fighting for it to work anymore and you have no more love or respect motivating you, its over. no more strength? you lose the fight

[ToucanSpam]

Even though things are shit now they alwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaays get better. It's a fact.

[Audio.]

I'm kind of having a rough time lately. It's a lot to explain, but there's just this tension in my house and between my parents that I've never felt before. They've been married 33 years now.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that my mom has changed a lot over the past few years. When I was in high school, she was going to get a second bachelor's degree in art teaching. She was modivated, busy, intelligent, dependable. But now it seems she's taken a downward spiral. She has a lot of health problems (chronic back pain and Hepatitis C), and she's just a very different woman it seems. My dad has a hard time dealing with it. And so do I, obviously, but more than anything the fact that it's hurting their relationship is what is hard to deal with.

Also, my sister has recently moved back in with us. She is, literally, going insane and saying that her husband has a conspiracy to kill her because she discovered that he's the leader of a worldwide bisexual cult or some shit (I am not joking here). She also was/is a meth addict, for over 10 years at least. And she's a full-blown alcoholic....anyway, long story short, having her at the home obviously makes things a little tense. Also, I think my dad's ready to let go but mom isn't.

There's always much more going on than I can explain, but to get to the point of it, I'm very scared that my parents won't survive these problems. The thought of them not being together is completely unbearable to me. If anyone had ever met their soul mate, I believed it to be them. I talked to my dad, a little bit, and I think he's going to get counseling to try and deal with everything.

But I am still scared shitless.

Sorry to open up this can of worms on all of you...but I'm just looking for somewhere to vent. I'm not really looking for advice or anything, and believe me, with my sister, we've tried everything. I'm just looking for an outlet, to people who aren't involved in the situation, who don't know any of these people.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar to this? It's becoming so hard to deal with, but I'm going to let them know what's going on soon. Even though I don't know if it will help.

Blah.

:(
I hate drama like this so all your family needs is to spend time with each other and themselves a Backyard BBQ. you gotta fight for your right to paaarrrrttyy!