Classic Iconocl
09-24-2005, 08:00 PM
I surfed across an article about Holy Land Experience, a Christian theme park complete with Dead Sea Caves, rotating museum exhibits, and a scaled-down model Jerusalem (without the garbage and street urchins, or course).
From a capitalist perspective, the park sounds like a terrific source of revenue. But when I go to a theme park, I expect more - like ass-kicking rollercoasters, junk food, rigged carnival games, and at least one "tunnel of love" style ride where dating teenagers can "snuggle".
Hmmm. I hate the idea of exploiting spirituality for money. But If I built a Christian theme park, it would be much cooler...
Welcome to the Land of Milk and Honey! Step through the Pearly Gates, and the Train Bound for Glory will take you anywhere in the park!
Come ride The Crucifixion, where spinning wooden crosses swing high in the air while terrified kids cling to their nails for dear life.
Thrillseekers should hop aboard our Revelation Rapture-coaster, which will hurl you into the mouth of the dragon, through the bowels of hell, and down streets paved with gold.
After the apocalypse, you'll want to rest your feet and catch our special effects extravaganza, Day of Pentecost, complete with the world's only sing-in-tongues choir!
Need to cool off from the fire of the Holy Spirit? Share a ship with a live sheep on Noah's Ark log flume. Or get baptized by immersion as you part the Red Sea on Jonah's Whale splashdown!
Hungry? Kick back at Mary and Martha's Place with an Oral Roberts popsicle. Grab a kosher burger and a Billy Graham cracker at King David's Deli. Swig some communion wine at Loaves and Fishes Pub. Or bring your own manna and spread a picnic blanket in the Garden of Eden, where kids can pick apples and dodge real snakes.
In the mood for a scare? Hide from wolves in sheep's clothing at King Herod's Hell-House and ride a fishing boat through the Dead Sea! Those who are truly brave can fight for their lives in Daniel's Lion's Den!
Like the old classics? Step aboard the Robert Tilt-on-Whirl, climb on our Mother Mary-Go-Round, or ride the Pharao's Wheel!
Bring kids? Drop them off at our Suffer the Children Plague-ground, where they can float in a basket on the Baby Moses riverboat ride, and catch locusts with butterfly nets!
Don't forget the barking carneys manning the rip-off games in Jubilee Alley...
"Step right up and try your luck with Mary Magdalene! Three stones for a dollar!"
"Throw the noose on Judas and get your very own G.I. Jesus action figure, complete with long hair, crown of thorns, camouflage fatigues and M-16. Or step over to Golgotha and pin the nail on Jesus, and win 30 pieces of silver!"
"Looks like we got a marksman here! Welcome to the Pat Robertson shooting gallery! Come fire a sniper rifle at international government officials!"
Out-of-towners can doze amid barn animals, in our No Room At The Inn petting zoo. Those needing to exit the park should have their forehead stamped with the number of the beast, for re-entry. Ash Wednesday is Save and Get Saved Day, where tickets are only $6.66!
From a capitalist perspective, the park sounds like a terrific source of revenue. But when I go to a theme park, I expect more - like ass-kicking rollercoasters, junk food, rigged carnival games, and at least one "tunnel of love" style ride where dating teenagers can "snuggle".
Hmmm. I hate the idea of exploiting spirituality for money. But If I built a Christian theme park, it would be much cooler...
Welcome to the Land of Milk and Honey! Step through the Pearly Gates, and the Train Bound for Glory will take you anywhere in the park!
Come ride The Crucifixion, where spinning wooden crosses swing high in the air while terrified kids cling to their nails for dear life.
Thrillseekers should hop aboard our Revelation Rapture-coaster, which will hurl you into the mouth of the dragon, through the bowels of hell, and down streets paved with gold.
After the apocalypse, you'll want to rest your feet and catch our special effects extravaganza, Day of Pentecost, complete with the world's only sing-in-tongues choir!
Need to cool off from the fire of the Holy Spirit? Share a ship with a live sheep on Noah's Ark log flume. Or get baptized by immersion as you part the Red Sea on Jonah's Whale splashdown!
Hungry? Kick back at Mary and Martha's Place with an Oral Roberts popsicle. Grab a kosher burger and a Billy Graham cracker at King David's Deli. Swig some communion wine at Loaves and Fishes Pub. Or bring your own manna and spread a picnic blanket in the Garden of Eden, where kids can pick apples and dodge real snakes.
In the mood for a scare? Hide from wolves in sheep's clothing at King Herod's Hell-House and ride a fishing boat through the Dead Sea! Those who are truly brave can fight for their lives in Daniel's Lion's Den!
Like the old classics? Step aboard the Robert Tilt-on-Whirl, climb on our Mother Mary-Go-Round, or ride the Pharao's Wheel!
Bring kids? Drop them off at our Suffer the Children Plague-ground, where they can float in a basket on the Baby Moses riverboat ride, and catch locusts with butterfly nets!
Don't forget the barking carneys manning the rip-off games in Jubilee Alley...
"Step right up and try your luck with Mary Magdalene! Three stones for a dollar!"
"Throw the noose on Judas and get your very own G.I. Jesus action figure, complete with long hair, crown of thorns, camouflage fatigues and M-16. Or step over to Golgotha and pin the nail on Jesus, and win 30 pieces of silver!"
"Looks like we got a marksman here! Welcome to the Pat Robertson shooting gallery! Come fire a sniper rifle at international government officials!"
Out-of-towners can doze amid barn animals, in our No Room At The Inn petting zoo. Those needing to exit the park should have their forehead stamped with the number of the beast, for re-entry. Ash Wednesday is Save and Get Saved Day, where tickets are only $6.66!