FearandLoathing
09-29-2005, 05:48 PM
I just want to talk about my cat. Okay, it's not really my cat, it's my friend's cat, but I'm taking care of it for a little while. Anyway, my cat's stupid. It's really dumb. You know how cats are supposedly extremely lithe and sure-footed? Yeah, well, this one jumps from the back of my couch and ends up on its side. Really. It's pretty ugly, too, but I feel sorry for it so I try to pretend it isn't.
Sometimes I even fool myself into thinking it isn't. It's white and black and brownish. I don't like mottled furs generally anyway. Once I saw a kitten and it was all black save for its paws- they were white- and I was startled by its attractiveness. It was really cute.
Yeah, well, my cat isn't. It's got yellow eyes. Okay, for all I know, all cats have yellow eyes. But this one's yellow eyes seem to be emphasised by its blotchy colour. It's quite thin, but not thin enough. Not David Bowie- thin. Not Iggy Pop- thin. Just...average- thin. I suppose it being really thin would make up for its apparent bad looks, but it's not. It's only normally thin. Anyway, as I said before, it's really dumb.
But not so dumb. Like, not all the time. It knows to scratch at my bedroom door at 4 AM when it's lonely, because it knows it pisses me off and invariably wakes me up because I'm a light sleeper. But it's not so smart as to know that I'm not playing when I open the door and scare it away, and that I am actually consumed with murderous rage. It knows how to nudge open the door of the linen closet, which I can't close properly, so that it can play with the piles of photographs and school report cards and petty test results and other assorted papers that I retain in an attempt to make me feel good about myself (but really they just feed my inferiority complex).
It climbs up on top of my television and sleeps there. That would annoy me if I watched television, but I generally don't. At least, not unless Jerry Springer or Curb Your Enthusiasm is on. And they're on in the middle of the day or the middle of the night, depending on when I'm there to watch them, and the cat isn't often on it at those times. I've noticed it enjoys sleeping in the mornings and afternoons. And that's another thing that makes it smart- its sleeping schedule. Not many creatures are intelligent enough to realise that mornings and afternoons are the best times to sleep, are they?
Personally I'd rather sleep in the morning and middle of a day but the cat must have slightly different tastes. Yeah, so, even though it's not smart, it's hardly dumb. And I'm thinking about training it. I read in some book that cats learn by observation. So it will probably learn easily. Even though it's kind of dumb, I'm sure it will learn quickly. It's a vivacious cat. It likes playing. I like that in a cat. It's not too distant. That's another positive about my cat. It doesn't bother me when it's asleep, either, and that's also a positive. I'm slightly allergic to cats, so that's one of its negatives. Provided it doesn't...well, touch...me too often it's not that bad, but it does. It invariably and inevitably touches me everyday. It likes it. It also likes attacking me whenever I walk by. I don't know if this is malicious or mischievious. Either way, it's a negative, because I don't like being attacked.
What's even worse- I mean, the worst thing about the attacks is not necessarily the attack in and of itself but that I have no idea it's coming. It's a surprise, and I hate surprises. Even surprises organised for my pleasure. They give me the creeps. Like I've been successfully systematically plotted against by my dearest and most beloved. It doesn't scream trust, does it? The cat hides behind something- usually under my coffee table- and lunges out at my leg. It scratches me sometimes. Not severely, but I still don't like being scratched. I'm not one of those people who can't stand the sight of blood, but I can't handle stinging. I despise small, irritating pains. They are the most agonising pains of all. Its name is Lucy, because the owner- my friend- apparently was informed by a reputable source that cats thrive when their name ends in an "ee". I think that's a really dumb reason to name a cat a certain name. Besides, I don't really like the name Lucy very much. It's a very bland name, an ordinary name. The problem is, I'm not decisive enough to change it. There seem to be so many different names I could call a cat. How could I limit myself to just one? So I call it "cat".
Well, usually I don't call it anything, but just yell "Hey!" at it when, for instance, it is assaulting my furniture. It harasses my furniture almost constantly. I suppose that's one of the cons of having a cat. My furniture is cheap and unremarkable. That's why I want to at least maintain the condition of it. I mean, I don't want it any worse off than it already is- and, if I want to look at things objectively, it's pretty worse for wear. I don't like meows, either. 'Meow' is an excruciatingly irksome sound. 'Mmmeeeeeeooooww.' But I do like the way it cranes its back. That's one of the nice things about cats; they're so gymnastic. So anyway, I'm thinking that, even though it isn't too smart at the moment, one day it might be a smart cat. A good cat. Hell, maybe even a great cat.
Sometimes I even fool myself into thinking it isn't. It's white and black and brownish. I don't like mottled furs generally anyway. Once I saw a kitten and it was all black save for its paws- they were white- and I was startled by its attractiveness. It was really cute.
Yeah, well, my cat isn't. It's got yellow eyes. Okay, for all I know, all cats have yellow eyes. But this one's yellow eyes seem to be emphasised by its blotchy colour. It's quite thin, but not thin enough. Not David Bowie- thin. Not Iggy Pop- thin. Just...average- thin. I suppose it being really thin would make up for its apparent bad looks, but it's not. It's only normally thin. Anyway, as I said before, it's really dumb.
But not so dumb. Like, not all the time. It knows to scratch at my bedroom door at 4 AM when it's lonely, because it knows it pisses me off and invariably wakes me up because I'm a light sleeper. But it's not so smart as to know that I'm not playing when I open the door and scare it away, and that I am actually consumed with murderous rage. It knows how to nudge open the door of the linen closet, which I can't close properly, so that it can play with the piles of photographs and school report cards and petty test results and other assorted papers that I retain in an attempt to make me feel good about myself (but really they just feed my inferiority complex).
It climbs up on top of my television and sleeps there. That would annoy me if I watched television, but I generally don't. At least, not unless Jerry Springer or Curb Your Enthusiasm is on. And they're on in the middle of the day or the middle of the night, depending on when I'm there to watch them, and the cat isn't often on it at those times. I've noticed it enjoys sleeping in the mornings and afternoons. And that's another thing that makes it smart- its sleeping schedule. Not many creatures are intelligent enough to realise that mornings and afternoons are the best times to sleep, are they?
Personally I'd rather sleep in the morning and middle of a day but the cat must have slightly different tastes. Yeah, so, even though it's not smart, it's hardly dumb. And I'm thinking about training it. I read in some book that cats learn by observation. So it will probably learn easily. Even though it's kind of dumb, I'm sure it will learn quickly. It's a vivacious cat. It likes playing. I like that in a cat. It's not too distant. That's another positive about my cat. It doesn't bother me when it's asleep, either, and that's also a positive. I'm slightly allergic to cats, so that's one of its negatives. Provided it doesn't...well, touch...me too often it's not that bad, but it does. It invariably and inevitably touches me everyday. It likes it. It also likes attacking me whenever I walk by. I don't know if this is malicious or mischievious. Either way, it's a negative, because I don't like being attacked.
What's even worse- I mean, the worst thing about the attacks is not necessarily the attack in and of itself but that I have no idea it's coming. It's a surprise, and I hate surprises. Even surprises organised for my pleasure. They give me the creeps. Like I've been successfully systematically plotted against by my dearest and most beloved. It doesn't scream trust, does it? The cat hides behind something- usually under my coffee table- and lunges out at my leg. It scratches me sometimes. Not severely, but I still don't like being scratched. I'm not one of those people who can't stand the sight of blood, but I can't handle stinging. I despise small, irritating pains. They are the most agonising pains of all. Its name is Lucy, because the owner- my friend- apparently was informed by a reputable source that cats thrive when their name ends in an "ee". I think that's a really dumb reason to name a cat a certain name. Besides, I don't really like the name Lucy very much. It's a very bland name, an ordinary name. The problem is, I'm not decisive enough to change it. There seem to be so many different names I could call a cat. How could I limit myself to just one? So I call it "cat".
Well, usually I don't call it anything, but just yell "Hey!" at it when, for instance, it is assaulting my furniture. It harasses my furniture almost constantly. I suppose that's one of the cons of having a cat. My furniture is cheap and unremarkable. That's why I want to at least maintain the condition of it. I mean, I don't want it any worse off than it already is- and, if I want to look at things objectively, it's pretty worse for wear. I don't like meows, either. 'Meow' is an excruciatingly irksome sound. 'Mmmeeeeeeooooww.' But I do like the way it cranes its back. That's one of the nice things about cats; they're so gymnastic. So anyway, I'm thinking that, even though it isn't too smart at the moment, one day it might be a smart cat. A good cat. Hell, maybe even a great cat.