I need advice about an abusive boyfriend

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

Well, he isnt twards me. But I went to chris' aka my boy, house for the first time yesterday, and him and his sister, who is my best friend, fight.. a LOT. They are extreamley abusive twards eachother. They've told me there are full blown holes in the walls, they wernt lying. Yesterday Brandy, aka chris' sister, was showing me around the house and pointing out holes, each of which had a diffrent story. Some were even from knives that she pulled on him.
He showed me his room, and there are holes in the walls, there was a giant body sized hole behind his door with writings around it, which.. ok, im just going to be honest here, some of them said things like I want to die, kill me, I fucking hate everyone and I want to fucking die, things to that nature.
And to be honest its kinda scary. I dont know if he throws himself into the wall, or his sister threw him, and I didnt want to ask.
See, him and and his sister have really bad reps at school, because they'll fight and brandy'll come to school and over exagerate (much much more then she could, even though the truth is pretty bad) and he says he hates his sister, which is kinda true, but it isnt. they both care about eachother, but they dont act like it, and thier both too stubborn to give in.
Brandy told me that her shrink said im dating a psycopath. great...
but see thats what everyone says, they judge him by his reputation, and they dont actually sit down and talk with him. If they did they'd realize that he can be a decent guy, he is a total sweetheart, but hes got his problems. Who doesnt? his are just.. worst then other people's. Brandy is judged too, people call her a whore and a goth, and it isnt true, they say chris is a crackhead and things like that, it isnt true.
so put that all together and yeah, people dont want to get to know them...
He doesnt do drugs, but he drinks and smokes, and.. yeah causes a lot of trouble, and looking at all this i realize that it would be extreamley wise to get out now, but I dont want to.
I care about him a lot more then I should, and even if we broke up, I would still care about him more then I should.
Im so confused, and my friend told me that he doesnt beat me now, but he probabley will if he beats his sister...
I dont know what to do, and I dont know how to make it stop..

[zorra_chiflada]

has he had therapy or something?

[QueenAdrock]

what do his parents think of the holes they've put in their house?

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

Brandy's has therepy, I dont think he does.
His father is an Alchohalic whos never home and doesnt care and his mom just... doesnt care. shes the one who buys them cigs.

[Documad]

my friend told me that he doesnt beat me now, but he probabley will if he beats his sister...
This is true. You won't change him. You don't have the skills and love isn't enough. The only choice you really have is whether you want to be a part of all that. And you're smart enough to know that you don't.

Most abusive guys have moments where they are super sweet. It's part of the rollercoaster. Truly good guys don't hit women. Ever. Even when the women are behaving badly.

[QueenAdrock]

Stay away from that family. No parental love or care can ONLY lead to bad things, in my opinion. Not to say don't stay friends with them, just...keep your distance.

You don't seem like the kind of girl that will put up with any abuse from a boyfriend. A lot of girls who get in situations like that justify it and say they "deserved it" or that he does it because he "loves them" or whatever, and the girl usually has pretty low self-esteem to begin with. Don't get sucked down that hole.

[Documad]

Kristen, you've already seen way more drama than any girl should. Your big heart is going to try and drag you into situations where you think you can help. You need to be ruthless about not getting involved in drama of any kind.

You need some friends with boring families.

I wish I had been more ruthless when I was in my teens.

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

but he isnt abusive to anyone but his sister, no one cares about him except me. I hate that hes going through this and actually, I just want to be someone he can go to instead of hurting himself. He takes most of his problems out on himself and that scares me.
He's got third degree burns on his arms, his sister tells me he cuts himself, and appearentley he throws himself into walls..
I just wish he'd come to me instead of taking it out in these ways, but hes the type that doesnt want any help at all, and his sisters the same way. He wouldnt even let me help him open his locker this one day when he couldnt open it, and I hate that...

[Documad]

I'm not going to keep harping on forever, but you don't have the skill set to help him. You might end up doing more harm to him by accident. At a minimum you're putting yourself in harm's way.

[King PSYZ]

I wish I could post about something that happened recently, but I'm sworn not to. All I can tell you is someone like that will hurt someone, if not himself or you, then someone you care for.

There's no real reason to stay committed to him at this point, he's self destructive and he'll take you with him. Are you gonna marry this guy? Do you not have a whole life ahead of yourself? Say you did marry him, what would be the fate of your children?

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

Kristen, you've already seen way more drama than any girl should. Your big heart is going to try and drag you into situations where you think you can help.

see, thats why I want to try and help them. I've been through all that, some of it myself, and what I havent been through myself I've been friends with other people who have.
I think I can help him because I helped my friend who was in a simular/ if not much worst situation then brandy and chris. Infact most of my friends have been in the same/worst situtation as them.
No one cares about them, no one at all.. maybe if i did... who knows?

[Documad]

All I can tell you is someone like that will hurt someone, if not himself or you, then someone you care for.

There's no real reason to stay committed to him at this point, he's self destructive and he'll take you with him. Are you gonna marry this guy? Do you not have a whole life ahead of yourself? Say you did marry him, what would be the fate of your children?
Yeah, the self destructive guys rarely take it out on themselves in the long run. I worked on a case where the guy killed a family member of the woman once she left him and went into hiding. I've got a whole lot more of those heartwarming stories but I can't give the really choice details.

And the self-destructive guys always seem to find new girlfriends to torment. :rolleyes:

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

his sister is my best friend, and I know him well enough to tell you that hes never done anything like that to his girlfriends...

I hate this advice im getting, and I hate it because I know i should take it, but im not gonna...

[QueenAdrock]

Sometimes you just have to learn from experience. And you'll kick yourself in the future and say "Why didn't I listen to them" but when you think back, you'll think of how you didn't WANT the advice that was given to you, and pretty much anything anyone said to you wouldn't change your mind because you already had it made up in the first place, so woulda-coulda-shouldas are a moot point because there was only one path you were willing to take to begin with.

I've done it a few times myself. :)

[Documad]

Kristen: you're a smart cookie. You knew when you posted what you were going to hear. And you knew you needed to hear it. That's the only reason I've been responding.

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

he hits her but shes stabbed him and things like that. He has scars all over his body and what isnt from him is from her.
They fight, for stupid reasons, and I wish they wouldnt. If I talk to him about it, he'll get mad. I talk to Brandy about it all the time, but she just wont take the advice, Like I said, they have no one exsept me.
I love both of them so much, its ridiculous, Im not going to just leave them hanging. I love Chris and Brandy is my best friend...
I cant! and I cant help it. Thats just... me. I cant.

[QueenAdrock]

Tell him to get into some therapy then, if you really want to help him. If he's stabbing himself, he's got issues that HAVE to be dealt with.

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

no, he doesnt stab himself. His sister stabs him. there are seriousley, knive marks all over the place. He has 5 long cuts down his arm that were from the time that Brandy got fake nails, sharpened them to points and scraped him down the arm, thier also on his legs. She is horrible to him, as much as he is to her.
But they care about eachother!!
They make no sense...


And your right, I honestley am confused, but I dont want advice. I know whats the right thing to do, but I dont want to do it.

[ToucanSpam]

Guys who beat on girls should be thrown into woodchippers, or be violently castrated.

[QueenAdrock]

How about being violently castrated, then have their bits and pieces thrown into a wood chipper along with a few large branches, and then force a funnel into his mouth and force him to drink the bloody woody concoction?

Gross. But just.

[ToucanSpam]

How about being violently castrated, then have their bits and pieces thrown into a wood chipper along with a few large branches, and then force a funnel into his mouth and force him to drink the bloody woody concoction?

Gross. But just.
Sounds fair enough. I cannot stand it when I hear about men hitting women. It's just wrong.

Charming, Queen. Charming! :D

[QueenAdrock]

I could have sworn I was born with a boy's brain, because there's pretty much nothing ladylike about me. :(

I mean, I can force myself to be proper and polite when need be, but hey man, THAT'S NOT ME.

[ToucanSpam]

I could have sworn I was born with a boy's brain, because there's pretty much nothing ladylike about me. :(

I mean, I can force myself to be proper and polite when need be, but hey man, THAT'S NOT ME.
Ain't nuffin wrong with that. (y)

[enree erzweglle]

his sister is my best friend, and I know him well enough to tell you that hes never done anything like that to his girlfriends...It's probably just a matter of time until the sister pushes back and he gets threatened by that and moves on to the next female. Which, when it happens, will probably be the one he's calling his girlfriend.

I'd be a friend to him. I wouldn't try to fix him. It'll probably be a long, long time before he's open to not doing what he's doing.

[cosmo105]

get out of this relationship. i don't care if you think you "love" him. you're too young for this shit.

i was 17 and thought i was in love with a self-abusive, severely depressed alcoholic. i had dealt with some depression issues of my own, but was otherwise happy...until we had some problems in our relationship. then he showed his true colors. i stayed with him because i was "in love." guess what. Love is not enough. yes, love is strong enough to handle anything. but it shouldn't have to when the strain is not outside forces but the other person in the relationship. eventually he became suicidal. long story short, after years of pain and falling into a deeper and deeper spiral of emotional, mental, and physical abuse with him, i finally got out. looking back now, i can't believe the person i was then. i would give anything to go back to being 17 and LISTEN to all the people that were telling me to think twice about him, to not be so committed to someone so obviously unstable. he was a loose cannon.

and this guy is too. yes, he's never hit you. but he hits his sister. he hits someone. look at his mental state.

don't fall into the "savior" trap. too many women want to be the one to turn his whole life around, to make him a loving, sensitive man...ever heard of a book called "Women Who Love Too Much"? read it. read it now while you're young. it will save you years of heartache. it changed my life.

the truth is you cannot change someone and you shouldn't have to. it's noble of you to want to be there for him, but you HAVE to think of yourself. as un-love as that sounds, it's the truth. you are far too young and have so much life yet to be lived - if you spend time with him, he will bring you down.

please listen to me. i've been there.

[ms.peachy]

Never ever ever ever stay in a relationship with a man because you want to "help" him.

Forget all that pathetic fairy tale bullshit, about how the true loving kiss of Beauty transforms Beast into a handsome prince. Real life ain't Disney, sweetheart.

[cookiepuss]

Never ever ever ever stay in a relationship with a man because you want to "help" him.


I agree. I think that is one of the most dificult things a young woman has to learn about relationships. You have to learn to let go and realize that thier problems belong to them alone and not to you. You can't rescue people from emotional and physical pain. it just doesn't work that way.

I don't remember who said it but remember this: "advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish that you didn't." You already know what you should do.