View Full Version : Should you stay for the kid
71kap
11-08-2005, 08:25 PM
Just wanted to know what you think about staying in a relationship because of the kid - I know we have some kids out here on the board so what is your thought - would you want your parents to stay together even when they fight all the time, don't get along, show no emotion, "just fake it" etc - or would you prefer them to grow up and go their seperate ways and visit them both. There is really no good answer but just wanted to get some thoughts - Hopefully this can help sheesh with some of his upspoken concerns - remember please be nice when posting - there are people hurting in this area of life.
71kap
11-08-2005, 08:46 PM
Is anyone out there?
tracky
11-08-2005, 08:47 PM
Give it a bit more than 20 minutes and you might get some response ;)
QueenAdrock
11-08-2005, 09:25 PM
Break up. It'd be worse for the child to see his parents in a loveless relationship. And this way, if you both get remarried, he'll have two Christmases and you'll both compete for his love, so he'll get over it pretty fast. :)
kleptomaniac
11-08-2005, 09:28 PM
Break up. It'd be worse for the child to see his parents in a loveless relationship. And this way, if you both get remarried, he'll have two Christmases and you'll both compete for his love, so he'll get over it pretty fast. :)
i couldn't have said it better myself (y)
Documad
11-08-2005, 09:52 PM
I have an unpopular view, but I don't care at all whether parents are "happy." Once you have kids, your happiness isn't your number one priority.
I think that kids are generally better off with two married parents. I think people should not have kids unless they plan on staying together until the child is grown. I think that the parents should stay together unless it's really, really awful (physical violence, drug abuse). I think that divorced people sell themselves on all kinds of stories so they can sleep at night.
And if you do get divorced and you don't get custody of your child, you don't get a medal or even a pat on the back for paying child support. That's what you're supposed to do.
Medellia
11-09-2005, 01:12 AM
I disagree there, Doc. Growing up in a loveless family can be quite damaging for a child, even if the child is in no physical danger.
I was friend with a girl in high school whose parents never loved each other. Her mother only married her father because of his money. She has no idea how to love anybody. Every guy she dated was a closeted homosexual, some knew and just wanted to hide it while others hadn't come to the realisation yet, but they ALL were. She even got engaged to one. At fifteen. If she'd had an example of what love is really like she wouldn't be so fucked up.
I disagree there, Doc. Growing up in a loveless family can be quite damaging for a child, even if the child is in no physical danger.
I was friend with a girl in high school whose parents never loved each other. Her mother only married her father because of his money. She has no idea how to love anybody. Every guy she dated was a closeted homosexual, some knew and just wanted to hide it while others hadn't come to the realisation yet, but they ALL were. She even got engaged to one. At fifteen. If she'd had an example of what love is really like she wouldn't be so fucked up.
yep, if there's no love in the marriage, they shouldn't try to hide it. my parents got divorced, i got over it. most of my memories of them together though are a little wierd. they slept in separate rooms, i rarely ate dinner with both my parents, even when they were both home, they worked late, slept over at coworkers' houses, all kinds of stuff that at the time, i didn't recognize as being abnormal. they're my model for how couples are supposed to be (aside from TV of course), imagine if they stayed together any longer. i'd be fucked up, romantically...uh, moreso
TonsOfFun
11-09-2005, 03:08 AM
Yeah break up and tell the child "what ever happens, just remember it's your fault".
scotty
11-09-2005, 03:28 AM
Break up. It'd be worse for the child to see his parents in a loveless relationship. And this way, if you both get remarried, he'll have two Christmases and you'll both compete for his love, so he'll get over it pretty fast. :)
i couldn't have said it better myself
Motion passed.
FearandLoathing
11-09-2005, 05:37 AM
Without going into things too personally, 'cause sometimes stuff at my houst sucks a lot, I'd say break up. I mean, looking at it from the perspective of the married couple, it's unnecessarily and illogically cruel to maintain the marriage when there is no affection. Really, that would screw up their lives pretty badly- and they are, after all, people, not just parents.
From the kid's view I say yes too. I think it's potentially much worse for the kid if their parents stay together unwillingly- due to arguments as well as other stuff. I mean, a family would not function well when two of its primary members do not want to be with each other. That's going to manifest itself somehow.
Tone Capone
11-09-2005, 05:45 AM
...Growing up in a loveless family can be quite damaging for a child, even if the child is in no physical danger...
(y)
Rhys T
11-09-2005, 06:11 AM
Break up. It'd be worse for the child to see his parents in a loveless relationship. And this way, if you both get remarried, he'll have two Christmases and you'll both compete for his love, so he'll get over it pretty fast. :)
Having two Christmas' isn't as good as it sounds, you only get half as many presents from each parent and never any big presents. That is unless your parents are loaded or an only child. And don't get me started on what happens if they marry someone else and have their own family.
jaymasterfunk
11-09-2005, 07:37 AM
I have an unpopular view, but I don't care at all whether parents are "happy." Once you have kids, your happiness isn't your number one priority.
I'd have to go with Documad's view on this one. Once you've put kids on the planet, your own shit comes second place, tops!
Unfortunately kids don't come with a manual that says "do this or do that and you'll fuck your kid up." Believe me, I would know the damn thing by heart if it existed.
So no standard answer to that question.
I'd have to go with Documad's view on this one. Once you've put kids on the planet, your own shit comes second place, tops!
Unfortunately kids don't come with a manual that says "do this or do that and you'll fuck your kid up." Believe me, I would know the damn thing by heart if it existed.
So no standard answer to that question.
again, just staying together for the sake of staying together isn't necessarily what's best for the kid. as parents, you're the primary model for how the kid thinks relationships are supposed to work. if your relationship is loveless and you dont talk to each other and there's an air of thinly veiled hatred behind everything you do, but you never let it explicitly show, then that's what the kid's going to grow up seeing. hell it wasn't even until a few years ago (i'm 21) that i looked back and realized how fucked up my parents' marriage really was, i thought that's what was normal. they didn't fight (much), but they didn't even talk to each other.
if you break up though, yeah, it's hard on the kid for a while, but at least then he'll know that something was wrong. you COULD stay together and try to be honest and explain to your kid why your marriage is abnormal, and you don't really love your spouse, but then the kid's going to ask "but why are you staying together if you don't love each other?" and if you want to be honest you'll have to say "oh, because of you!". ha ha, that's no good
jaymasterfunk
11-09-2005, 07:51 AM
^ Right ! I'm just saying the kids come first and you have to do what's best for them. Unfortunately, it's next to impossible to find out beforehand what the best solution's gonna be in any given specific case. Split up or ride it out?! I'm guessing splitting up would be the more honest and sane thing to do. Eh...I think.... Touch wood I never have to find out!
Documad
11-09-2005, 08:41 AM
I take an extreme position partly for the sake of argument.
The adult children I know who had divorced parents all deeply resent their dads for not being present, and they have all vowed to never leave, no matter what.
I think that kids should not have to move from home to home. The kids should get the house and the parents should move in and out.
I realize that my worldview is warped. In my professional life, I've seen lots of messed up kids who were raised by single and divorced moms with minimal involvement from dad. As much as dads may tell themselves they will still do quality parenting, there is no substitute for being there every single day.
In my world, divorced moms tend to have worse jobs and make less money. I don't know if that's partly because they can't work more than 40 hours a week or what. But there seems to be a real class division, with single and divorced moms at the bottom of the food chain. Divorced moms tend to have no support system, so when they feel stressed and suffocated by their kids, low income, and hopelessness, the kids suffer.
My parents had a horrible marriage and I was damaged by that, but I'm absolutely sure that I would have been much worse off if my dad had moved out. It's like the dilemma you face when looking at parents who abuse their kids--are the kids really going to be better off in foster care? Frankly, I think that kids were usually better off with the abusive parents but with education and monitoring of parents. People who haven't worked in the system tend to think that's crazy. People who have worked in the system know there's no good solution.
paul jones
11-09-2005, 09:28 AM
I thought this was an Adrock thread
TonsOfFun
11-09-2005, 09:41 AM
I thought this was an Adrock thread
why, did he dump his wife and kids?
I'm not even sure if he has wives and kids? THE BASTARD
But he is really HAWT! I'd do him.
cj hood
11-09-2005, 09:42 AM
I have an unpopular view, but I don't care at all whether parents are "happy." Once you have kids, your happiness isn't your number one priority.
I think that kids are generally better off with two married parents. I think people should not have kids unless they plan on staying together until the child is grown. I think that the parents should stay together unless it's really, really awful (physical violence, drug abuse). I think that divorced people sell themselves on all kinds of stories so they can sleep at night.
And if you do get divorced and you don't get custody of your child, you don't get a medal or even a pat on the back for paying child support. That's what you're supposed to do.
i agree
fucktopgirl
11-09-2005, 09:49 AM
yea i think that for kids is better if their parents sitck togethers but sometime,its just does not work.a friend couple who a a kid,togethers for 8 years,they have to call it quit,and it was not because of drugs or whatever,just did fit together no more.So the kid was way better afetr,is mom was happy and his dad too so..
but yea parents should fight to stay together,that is for shure!
hardnox71
11-09-2005, 04:20 PM
Definitely try to make it work for the kids sake but in no way should a union be forced because of the kid. All the arguing and fighting that will ensue is just not worth it and will do more damage to the child than will the bouncing back and forth between mommy's house and daddy's house all the time.
If it's something that just can't be worked out then be there for the kids as much as you possibly can.
wanton wench
11-09-2005, 04:54 PM
my parents stayed together for me and my sister and fought all the time. so i grew up thinking thats how a marriage worked. i was never going to get married! i didnt want to fight all the time! whats the point of that. so i grew up and i met a guy that changed my mind about that. so we marry and have a child. a few years go by and we start fighting and not getting along. we were not friends anymore. we couldnt talk to each other anymore. so we live like this a year and then it starts happening in front of our child. we would fight and say mean things to one another in front of her. i will never forget the horrible look on her face. so thats where i drew the line. i knew it would never be a good loving relationship again and it was effecting my child so i left the situation. i didnt want her to grow up thinking thats how she should be treated. or how she should treat someone else. i didnt want her to see her mother as such an unhappy person or her father. we got divorced and we now share her. half the week with mom half the week with dad. it was very hard at first. on all of us. but now she is really happy. and i am happy knowing that. so thats my experience. for whatever its worth.
having been in a failed marriage withOUT children, i can say that you aren't doing anyone any favors by living out a miserable life. not only is there going to be serious tension between the adults who are "stuck" living together because of the children, but how can one person individually ever show genuine joy or happiness to their children by living in such a dreadful situation? (n)
having an absentee father is a totally different situation. not all fathers who get divorced (or mothers) become absentee and shame on them for doing so. if someone has it in them to become that deadbeat father who disappears, that same person could cause just as much harm by living at home with the children.
my boyfriend's best friend got a girl pregnant and married her. they do nothing BUT fight. he is visiting us right now and the stories he tells of them shouting 'FUCK YOU' to each other on a nightly basis, her rumaging through his belongings when he's not home, cutting the crotches out of his pants when she gets upset, etc. makes me cringe. the 2-year-old is definitely going to have baggage as an adult.
iceygirl
11-09-2005, 08:02 PM
i agree with documad on this one
as far as what someone else said about their friend and her fucked up parents, sounds like her friends mother shouldnt have had kids in the first place (case with a lot of people who become parents).
cj hood
11-09-2005, 08:29 PM
1. get job training (college, tech school, armed services etc.)
2. get a job
3. find a mate
4. get to know the mate
5. fall in love
6. get married
7. have kids
if you're gonna do it.......do it right! cuz i'm sick of part of my paycheck goin towards those who fucked up!!!
sheesh
11-09-2005, 09:28 PM
Thanks everyone. I'll take these responses into consideration.
like2_drink
11-09-2005, 09:32 PM
if anything you should leave for the kid. staying for the kid will only bring out the worst in everyone and leave more scars then anything.
i'm the product of early childhood parental serperation.
it's totally confusing and mind blowing that parents can be that upset for that amount of time, but in the long run they will understand. and if you keep reminding them " it was for the best " then they'll realise that it really was for the best. the important thing is that both parents stay in the childs life.
Sarky Devotchka
11-09-2005, 09:54 PM
the sooner a kid figures out that life's not perfect, the better.
I think.
I dunno, I'm an only child with a semi-deadbeat dad and I got lots of presents after the divorce. I've also had two step-dads and a bitchy step-mom. All of it was crap, all of it. But it was good that my mom left my dad, even though of course I wish things would've worked out. but the thing is, life changes, people change. no one should be forced to stay in an unhappy marriage. unhappy people are not good parents.
there's a HUGE fucking difference between staying in an abusive/psycho relationship and staying in a relationship that is not making you feel 100% HAPPY and ACTUALIZED and BLISSED OUT.
I generally agree with Documad. My mom left my dad basically because she was bored. He was not evil, just a dork, as was she. She married an EXCITING guy who turned out to be a molester and beater. fun for the whole family.
You OWE protection to CHILDREN because they are CHILDREN! You are supposed to be an adult eventually, and accept the situations you choose for yourself. It can be non-passionate but still a partnership. If you are selfish, you shouldn't have kids in the first place.
FearandLoathing
11-09-2005, 10:43 PM
there's a HUGE fucking difference between staying in an abusive/psycho relationship and staying in a relationship that is not making you feel 100% HAPPY and ACTUALIZED and BLISSED OUT.
I generally agree with Documad. My mom left my dad basically because she was bored. He was not evil, just a dork, as was she. She married an EXCITING guy who turned out to be a molester and beater. fun for the whole family.
You OWE protection to CHILDREN because they are CHILDREN! You are supposed to be an adult eventually, and accept the situations you choose for yourself. It can be non-passionate but still a partnership. If you are selfish, you shouldn't have kids in the first place.
Sounds like you think that parents have only one purpose- to parent- and that the only way to complete this successfully is to stick together, even if they're bored as fuck or hate each other. I mean, why can't the parents be happy, or make an attempt at being happy? It doesn't necessarily impede on their children's development and may help it.
Just because it mightn't have turned out that way for you doesn't mean it won't for others. Jesus.
71kap
11-10-2005, 09:25 PM
hey you guys... great responses. there is some great advice, hopefully it will help sheesh out. i am taking a social psychology class and currently writing a paper on this topic so it is very intereseting to be able to have "live" information and feedback. i know for my situation, my son who will be 13 on saturday asked me why it took me so long to leave his father. his response was don't you think you deserve to be treated better - you are a human. i was left speachless and then when i told him i was trying to stay with his father for him - he said that is stupid! anyway thanks for all the responses - good luck sheesh!
Documad
11-10-2005, 11:39 PM
Sounds like you think that parents have only one purpose- to parent- and that the only way to complete this successfully is to stick together, even if they're bored as fuck or hate each other.
That's it exactly! Well said! And if you're not ready to make that sort of honest-to-god life-long commitment, to each other and to your kids, where you really, really mean "in good and bad times," and "till death do us part," then for the love of God DON'T HAVE KIDS!!!
It's funny -- a friend of mine brought this up at lunch today, out of the blue. She said, "I want to get rid of no-fault divorce for people who have kids and have a system where I decide if pro-family Republicans have a good enough reason to divorce." I burst out laughing because that was my thread a couple of months ago. :p (she liked my idea of the kids getting the house and the parents moving in and out too :))
Documad
11-10-2005, 11:48 PM
there's a HUGE fucking difference between staying in an abusive/psycho relationship and staying in a relationship that is not making you feel 100% HAPPY and ACTUALIZED and BLISSED OUT.
Your whole post was great but I'm highlighting this bit. It's funny, but earlier generations never had this crazy belief that they had a right to live in some kind of fairy tale. I've been to more and more weddings where people spend enormous amounts of money in hopes of somehow buying that fairy tale. The higher the divorce rate gets, the more money people invest in the fairy tale.
I love all the comments people are making about how it's better to leave than to fight in front of the kids all the time. That's not the issue. That's not the choice. You have no right to fight in front of the kids all the time. Suck it up.
FearandLoathing
11-11-2005, 03:13 AM
That's it exactly! Well said! And if you're not ready to make that sort of honest-to-god life-long commitment, to each other and to your kids, where you really, really mean "in good and bad times," and "till death do us part," then for the love of God DON'T HAVE KIDS!!!
It's funny -- a friend of mine brought this up at lunch today, out of the blue. She said, "I want to get rid of no-fault divorce for people who have kids and have a system where I decide if pro-family Republicans have a good enough reason to divorce." I burst out laughing because that was my thread a couple of months ago. :p (she liked my idea of the kids getting the house and the parents moving in and out too :))
...But why is the parents sticking together necessarily in the child's interests.
See, I don't think when you become a parent you forfeit your own happiness. Shit, if my mother was doing that for me I'd wish I'd never been fucking born. For serious. That'd make me absolutely miserable.
vBulletin® v3.6.7, Copyright ©2000-2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.