Help with a condolence letter

[Documad]

My friend's adult child committed suicide. I have to write a card. I don't know what to say. I'm really good at thank you cards but condolence cards suck.

I don't believe in god and everyone knows that so I can't mention god even though my friend is a Christian.

This kid had some good attributes, but they've been long hidden, and she caused a lot of heartbreak because there was no helping her. While it surprised me that she successfully did this, it didn't surprise me that she tried.

What I feel is that life sucks ass sometimes, my friend did everything possible, the girl's death was pointless. I can't say that to my friend.

Do I mention a few of the nice things I remember about the girl from when she was in high school? They're not going to add up to a lot because she was full of pain even then.

[abcdefz]

You can just concentrate on addressing your friend's point of view.


"I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope that your faith will give you peace during this most difficult of times. I'd like to help in any way I may, so I'll check in from time to time."

[cookiepuss]

keep it simple. "I'm very sorry for your loss." is one of the best things you can say. Also offer to help the family in anyway you can, shoping, phone calls to notify people of the death, etc. If you live near the family you might consider dropping off a cooked meal ready to eat or something like that as a greiving family often has dificulty doing normal things like that.


refrain from saying things like: at least they are with god, in a better place, etc. etc. these thing are not helpful to a grieving person who will most likely feel that there is no "beter" place for the deceased than alive and with thier family. -oh sorry i just read what you said bout god, so I guess you won't say that anyway. :o

[abcdefz]

refrain from saying things like: at least they are with god, in a better place, etc. etc. these thing are not helpful to a grieving person who will most likely feel that there is no "beter" place for the deceased than alive and with thier family.



That kind of depends on the circumstances; in this case, I think you're right. In some cases, the great comfort is that the person has passed away and is now at peace, you know?

[cookiepuss]

That kind of depends on the circumstances; in this case, I think you're right. In some cases, the great comfort is that the person has passed away and is now at peace, you know?

I know what you are saying. I'm just relaying what I learned from Hospice groups, which my mother attended after my fathers death.


if the person had a long standing illness that they lost the battle with then I think it would be appropriate to say that something about them finding peace, particularily if the family is quite faithful. I think it something to be careful with because greif has so many levels.

But in most other cases, it's not really going to be very comforting, because they family is asking why this happened and may feel resentment toward a god that would take a loved one from them (even though that anger is usually temporary).

[ms.peachy]

"I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope that your faith will give you peace during this most difficult of times. I'd like to help in any way I may, so I'll check in from time to time."

I think that's probably about perfect, really.

[Documad]

Thanks for the advice. I am really hesitant to mention faith at all but I see that I can spin it to be about my friend's faith. I'm sure the daughter had no faith, which makes this harder.

I missed the funeral because I was out of town and didn't know it was even scheduled. I don't think I can just send a one sentence card. I can't see my friend in person for the next couple of months. So the card has to do it all.

When my father died, the cards that meant the most to me were the ones that didn't just have platitudes. I remember a school friend who I didn't know very well, but she mentioned having lost her own father and how there was always pain but that if faded slightly over time. I appreciated the honesty, but then I'm odd that way. I doubt that honesty is appropriate here.

Eventually, when I see my friend again in person, I will definitely say "it wasn't your fault -- you did all you could." But I don't want to say that in a card that other family members might read. This is agonizing.

[befsquire]

i like what a to z typed. i agree that the whole "better place" and "at least he / she is no longer in pain" stuff is crap; it only served to irritate me that my friends couldn't come up with anything better than such trite sayings. oh, and i hated being asked "how are you?" i know they meant well, but really, how the fuck did they think i was?

i know you missed the funeral so you think you should write a lot, but really, it isn't necessary. hand deliver the card instead and see if you can get her out of the house for a while, unless that's not the kind of friendship the two of you had. or, make a donation in the daughter's name to one of your friend's favorite charities and add that to the card if you really feel like it's short on content and needs more.

[Parkey]

Just be yourself and offer to help in any way you can.

[Maisailana]

That kind of depends on the circumstances; in this case, I think you're right. In some cases, the great comfort is that the person has passed away and is now at peace, you know?
i agree with the others about this one being pretty much perfect. i hope you've already figured out what you want to say though.