Anal Sex is hard work!?

[DJ_Skrilla]

Oh Shit (http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=11&StoryID=1913&LayoutType=1) Not by Me... but hilarious!

"I’ve been seeing this girl for a while. The sex is top-notch; I haven’t been this satisfied since I discovered the pleasures of autoerotic asphyxiation. Top, bottom, reverse-cowboy, doggy-style; whatever I ask for she is more than willing to provide. But man was born with a mind that aspires to explore the limits of land, sea, space, and the female orifices. I embraced the dreamer inside of me and eventually worked up the nerve to ask for anal.

I got the stock response that I’ve heard from every woman I ask:
“I tried it once with my last serious boyfriend and I didn’t like it. It hurt so bad that he had to take it out.”

(It’s unbelievable how many women say the exact same thing. How do they all know the same answer? I’m going to start watching Oprah to see if she signs off each show with a "Price is Right"-like public service announcement: “Remember girls, if your man asks to go top shelf on you, tell him it hurts too much.”)

Anyway, I’m not trying to hear that shit, so I immediately move to plan B: get her hammered. After eight Bacardi Breezers and half a Vicodin (I told her it was Advil) she tells me she’ll think about it.

We get back to my place and she’s almost passed out. That won’t do, so I brew some coffee and make her drink half the pot. While I’m waiting for her to polish that off, my roommate gets home with some uni-browed skeezer that looks and smells like she’s been beaten with a 70 lb. tuna.

It takes me another half-hour to convince them to give me a little privacy. Finally I give them $15 to go to Denny’s for a couple hours. Her eyes light up like she just got a Red Rider BB Gun for Christmas. I hope he sobers up and notices her goatee with the matching ‘stache in the middle of dessert. But I digress.

We finally get to screwing around and she is freaking me like never before; it is definitely go-time. I make my move and she starts to complain.

“That hurts. You have to work it first...”

What I have to deal with.
I’ll make a long story short here. First, I had to some “prep work” to get it loose. Then I had to steal my roommate’s hand lotion to lube it up (he’ll have to raw-dog his way through next month’s Victoria’s Secret catalogue). It was less than effective as a lubricant so it had to be reapplied every couple minutes. After all that hard work, it all felt suspiciously like regular sex.

When we wake up the next day, my room looks like an interrogation cell in Abu Gharib. My sheets look like they were used as the infield tarp of a baseball diamond, the bed smells like a White Castle dumpster in an August heat wave, and you should hear the bitching coming from her mouth—I won’t be getting laid for at least a week.

I put up with enough of her shit just to get some pussy, so take it from me when I tell you that anal sex is not worth the effort. If you still want to give it a try, do it at the girl’s place, that way you can fuck up her quilt instead and skip out at first light, before she wakes up and starts complaining about how she is going to “spend all day on the shitter.” :eek:

LOL! SUCK IT UP BITCHES! haha"

[hitmonlee]

amateur.

you want a funny anal story? try tucker max.

http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/tucker_tries_buttsex_hilarity_does_not_ensue.phtml

[mikizee]

amateur.

you want a funny anal story? try tucker max.

http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/tucker_tries_buttsex_hilarity_does_not_ensue.phtml

that is fucking funny. poor guy. and girl, i spose.

[Rancid_Beasties]

That poor girl in the second story. Man, that guy is a complete tool, and he deserved to get his house totally fucked up (n) it just makes me wonder what happened to that girl :(

[Loppfessor]

After all that hard work, it all felt suspiciously like regular sex.




That was my take the first time I tried it....the trick is to use less lube.

[ms.peachy]

Oh, you children :rolleyes:


That guy deserves a sharp screwdriver between the eyes. And so does she, if she's dumb enough to ever see him again. What a couple of losers.

[roosta]

penis should not go in poo hole. ever.

[DandyFop]

amateur.

you want a funny anal story? try tucker max.

http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/tucker_tries_buttsex_hilarity_does_not_ensue.phtml

I came across his website while doing a search for something I'd rather not mention. Pretty funny, but all it does is remind me that you're allowed to be a dickhead as long as you're funny.

[DJ_Skrilla]

amateur.

you want a funny anal story? try tucker max.

http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/tucker_tries_buttsex_hilarity_does_not_ensue.phtml

High Points:

[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations….but of course, I’m still going to write about it.]

Before I knew it I was fucking her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.

It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:

“Did you…did you just…shit on my dick?”

I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.

I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.

I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her asshole. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.

She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.

I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:

“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH”

The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.

I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:

“OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU ASSHOLE-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”

She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, shit and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in shit and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.

The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a shit, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.

:D

[insertnamehere]

period sex > anal

[instigator7022]

If you ever read running with scissors. There's an intersting anal sex scene in there. They used hair cholesterol as lube.

[insertnamehere]

what the hell is hair cholesterol?



anyone think where he went wrong was pumpin the whole tube in there? i mean, isnt that how enemas work?

[Echewta]

Anal sex can be a beautiful thing and you guys are all ruining it.

[instigator7022]

what the hell is hair cholesterol?



anyone think where he went wrong was pumpin the whole tube in there? i mean, isnt that how enemas work?

cholesterol is good for your hair. It's pretty much non edible mayonaise.

[Rancid_Beasties]

period sex > anal
Except probably more messy (unless what happened to tuckermax or whatever his name is happens to you).

[insertnamehere]

period sex sometimes seems like it feels better than regular sex too. its not really worth what you have to put up with for it though.

[cj hood]

Oh Shit (http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?SectionID=11&StoryID=1913&LayoutType=1) Not by Me... but hilarious!

"I’ve been seeing this girl for a while. The sex is top-notch; I haven’t been this satisfied since I discovered the pleasures of autoerotic asphyxiation. Top, bottom, reverse-cowboy, doggy-style; whatever I ask for she is more than willing to provide. But man was born with a mind that aspires to explore the limits of land, sea, space, and the female orifices. I embraced the dreamer inside of me and eventually worked up the nerve to ask for anal.

I got the stock response that I’ve heard from every woman I ask:
“I tried it once with my last serious boyfriend and I didn’t like it. It hurt so bad that he had to take it out.”

(It’s unbelievable how many women say the exact same thing. How do they all know the same answer? I’m going to start watching Oprah to see if she signs off each show with a "Price is Right"-like public service announcement: “Remember girls, if your man asks to go top shelf on you, tell him it hurts too much.”)

Anyway, I’m not trying to hear that shit, so I immediately move to plan B: get her hammered. After eight Bacardi Breezers and half a Vicodin (I told her it was Advil) she tells me she’ll think about it.

We get back to my place and she’s almost passed out. That won’t do, so I brew some coffee and make her drink half the pot. While I’m waiting for her to polish that off, my roommate gets home with some uni-browed skeezer that looks and smells like she’s been beaten with a 70 lb. tuna.

It takes me another half-hour to convince them to give me a little privacy. Finally I give them $15 to go to Denny’s for a couple hours. Her eyes light up like she just got a Red Rider BB Gun for Christmas. I hope he sobers up and notices her goatee with the matching ‘stache in the middle of dessert. But I digress.

We finally get to screwing around and she is freaking me like never before; it is definitely go-time. I make my move and she starts to complain.

“That hurts. You have to work it first...”

What I have to deal with.
I’ll make a long story short here. First, I had to some “prep work” to get it loose. Then I had to steal my roommate’s hand lotion to lube it up (he’ll have to raw-dog his way through next month’s Victoria’s Secret catalogue). It was less than effective as a lubricant so it had to be reapplied every couple minutes. After all that hard work, it all felt suspiciously like regular sex.

When we wake up the next day, my room looks like an interrogation cell in Abu Gharib. My sheets look like they were used as the infield tarp of a baseball diamond, the bed smells like a White Castle dumpster in an August heat wave, and you should hear the bitching coming from her mouth—I won’t be getting laid for at least a week.

I put up with enough of her shit just to get some pussy, so take it from me when I tell you that anal sex is not worth the effort. If you still want to give it a try, do it at the girl’s place, that way you can fuck up her quilt instead and skip out at first light, before she wakes up and starts complaining about how she is going to “spend all day on the shitter.” :eek:

LOL! SUCK IT UP BITCHES! haha"


now this is why the BF board was established........go skrilla!!!

[cj hood]

Anal sex can be a beautiful thing and you guys are all ruining it.


including you...

[Chad the Lad]

y'know, i wis just thinkin, girls complain whenever a guy asks for anal?

how bout girls obsessions with trying to stick their fingers in our asses during sex!

theres gotta be a bit a give an take! heh heh!

[Sarky Devotchka]

what? I don't know any girl that has the urge to stick her finger in a boy's butthole...unless she read about it in cosmo.

poop comes out of there!

[Chad the Lad]

what? I don't know any girl that has the urge to stick her finger in a boy's butthole...unless she read about it in cosmo.

poop comes out of there!

maybe just a localised thing, that or i have an extraordinary crack :o