Avignon's Eleven

[avignon]

This is the thread in which you may apply to join my cadre of master thieves. If selected, we will execute the most incredibly complicated, dangerous, and potentially profitable heist ever attempted. Details to follow.
What I'm looking for in your resumes are special skills, experience, and talents (pertaining to the art of theivery), as well as any infamous thieves you may have worked with in the past, any aliases that you may be known for (like nicknames given to you by the press or the cops), and any other information you feel is relevent. I am also going to need to know a breif account of your arrest record or the status of any investigations that you are involved in currently.
Thank you for your interest.

[TurdBerglar]

hi

[avignon]

hey Turd, how are ya?

[TurdBerglar]

stealing shit

[avignon]

Why do you need to steal shit? Aren't the laxatives providing you with enough of your own?

[TurdBerglar]

everybody has a hobby


why you gotta knock mine

[avignon]

This is supposed to be a job interview. I just want more information about you stealing shit. Tell me about it? Do you hide in bathrooms and grab it before it gets flushed or do you break into the sewers and sort through the river of muck to find quality logs?

[TurdBerglar]

im just here for the free magnet for comeing to the interview

[avignon]

you suck. Where are all the cool people?

[TurdBerglar]

do i get my magnet?

[avignon]

Yeah it's got a picture of a penis on it and it says "It's not hip when it drips!" and then the number for the free clinic.

[TurdBerglar]

what about when it drips after i piss

[avignon]

How the fuck am I suppsed to know about your plumbing? Call the clinic and ask them.

[TurdBerglar]

well every guy drips after they piss


it's like haveing turned of a hose but the hose is still filled with water. when you move the hose the leftover water seeps out.

[jabumbo]

i hope i'm not too late

[TurdBerglar]

i hope i'm not too late


yeah

i think all the magnets are gone now (n)

[avignon]

Thank you so much for simultaneously expanding my knowledge of both lawn care equipment and the male urinating function.

[avignon]

i hope i'm not too late
You have to post your resume.

Doesn't anyone want to play? :(

[jabumbo]

oh right, my resume

umm..


extensive work with the government. i have a copy of the national disaster response plan in bottom left filing cabinet drawer.

i have had both of the bikes i have owned in my life stolen from me


and i don't know how to use a faz machine, so don't even ask

[avignon]

That's pretty good.


As the criminal mastermind behind this endeaver, I don't need to submit my resume, but I will because I'm cool like that.


C. A. Avignon
a.k.a. The Shadow
a.k.a. Nightshade

special skills- can scale walls with minimal equipment, can crack safes, hot wire cars, pick any locks, and is highly organized and methodical at planning jobs.
experience- has seen almost every heist movie ever made
record- is wanted in several counties in Kentucky for cow tipping
status- police in several countries around the world are currently investigating the jobs I successfully pulled but as to this date have no leads to my identity or whereabouts. They possess no photo nor any prints nor anything else that could possibly connect me to any high profile theft.

[yeahwho]

yeahwho

aka; Five Finger Lickin'
aka; Hot Pockets
aka; Stolen Member
aka; Super Gulp

Special Skillz,

1. Can dazzle and charm rich old ladies right up to the slurpee machine, then to the cashier.
2. Own several toupees and fake moustaches.
3. Can trip the emergency exit alarm sound mechanism on any movie theatre door....just sayin'

[avignon]

yeahwho

aka; Five Finger Lickin'
aka; Hot Pockets
aka; Stolen Member
aka; Super Gulp

Special Skillz,

1. Can dazzle and charm rich old ladies right up to the slurpee machine, then to the cashier.
2. Own several toupees and fake moustaches.
3. Can trip the emergency exit alarm sound mechanism on any movie theatre door....just sayin'
(y)
nicely done

[jabumbo]

oh yeah, i forgot to add that i have no fingerprints and i just stole yeahwho's slurpee machine...i mean, ir just randomly appeared in my basement, but i didnt take it, honest


edit: superiour knowledge of lawncare. so do i get the job?

[avignon]

Being able to teleport objects with your mind must come in handy as a master thief.

[monkey]

i have a really nice voice that makes people do what i want. this is key. you want me to be in your group.

[Pres Zount]

Pres Zount

aka: Joey 'knife-face McGee'
aka: Geofrey Palmer
aka: Geofrey Dahmer

Special skills: Looks calm, cool, collected and innocent. Boyish good looks appeals to old ladies ripe for fleecing.

Experience: stolen lots of cokes and mars bars from target.

Record: Arrested and saw court (charges later thrown out) for stealing a Kinder Surprise.

Status: On the computer.

[Kid Presentable]

Kid Presentable.

Shut up and listen.

Used Steel Chairs, Crucifixes and 'The Presentability Factor' to take Messageboarding into the new millenium. Wooed strippers, teachers and grandmothers with my smile and Van Halen's 'Jump'. Then powerbombed wints through cosmo's limo roof, and turned on the people. Made my way into arenas to the strains of Pantera's 'Walk'. Caused small children to cry when I flung Qdrop from a 20 foot cage. Laughed with cavalier, devil-may-care abandon.

Threw the brass knucks to zorra, she ousted tulla for the belt. Teamed up, turned on her and claimed a seventh title reign. Brought credibility to the art of being average.

Doesn't want a team.

The best thing you've ever met that doesn't exist, or happen.

[tracky]

aka Jesus Christ

skills: I can turn security cameras into bread, safe locks into fish.

previous experience: carried out direct assault and robery of traders at the temple

other skills: can repair tables and chairs


my god that is so not funny. i'm sorry :o not for being offensive or anything, just for being completely unfunny

[BangkokB]

Gambit ain't got nuttin on me

My credentials include I used to work with the Dr. (http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/business/special/stockfraud.nsf/0/3FB898D2E628375A86256EB4001934AF?OpenDocument) ~a certified nut from the word go. And I know a Danny Sterk, God rest his soul

I have a talent at extending the truth beyond repair

And have a papershredder that can singlehandedly chew through a Britannica and would make Nixon cum in his pajamas if he wasn't dead

[Kid Presentable]

This avignon-blanc is corked. She doesn't know what to say next. That's understandable seeing as Kid Presentable is in the building.

As he emerges from the ocean, jaws drop and gazes fix.

WHY WON'T YOU STAY DEAD!!!!???

This clique belongs to Kid Presentable. The original Clique stimulator.

Avignon might be lucky enough to score a job fetching His Pear and Pineapple juice.

[Echewta]

Echewta - One word is enough but a.k.a as:

Abe Froman - The Sausage King of Chicago. Pulled off a $2 million dollar bank job by catering a dinner next to Citibank and digging into the vault. The money was then stuffed in sausage skins, placed in buns with chili and relish and "security guards" ate them on their way out and then dumped them into the "trash" which was really connected to a vacuum tube that sucked the sausages into bags in the sewer where they were walked to a secret location.

Two Fingers and a Pinkie - Spent a year stealing jewelery from women by distracting them with the two fingers and a pinkie.

I can also pick locks, noses, pockets, les, and lotto numbers. I can swim and enjoy watching The Match Game. I can box and kick guys in the nuts.

[ToucanSpam]

ToucanSpam aka the Chameleon

-your fall guy. If the heist ges to shit, you send this guy to jail because he'll be out the next day because he has a 'clean' record.
-also a good person to have on the floor doing the easy work, such as distraction. Quick with his hands, which is good for petty theft and swiping any number of keys and keycards.
-best feature is the ability to just seem to disappear when the shit hits the fan for the mark. Around to distract, but when the distractee turns around to look for him, he's already outside in the unmarked van waiting for everyone else.

[Lex Diamonds]

Padster
a.k.a. Spiderman

I can shoot super strong sticky threads out of my wrists and swing from building to building. I can also climb up walls and hide on ceilings, which would be useful if we were like stealing shit in front of cameras. Sometimes I have to look after my elderly aunt, though, so we would have to sort out some kind of schedule that would be convenient for everyone. I have also been working as a low-level reporter for a small time newspaper for many years now, taking abuse from and making coffee for my colleagues without complaint, despite my amazing super powers and superior intellect. So I'm good at being subservient and taking orders. On top of that, I can do whatever a spider can (including: getting stood on, eating flies, scaring old ladies).

[hpdrifter]

hp "hacker, professional" drifter

aka: the Administrative Assassin
aka: Nightengale (This actually was my name when i played spy with my friends as a kid).
aka: Ms. White
aka: The Usual Suspect

Speaks Russian (could come in handy to acquire a nuclear weapon from the breakaway Russian republic of Kerplackistan).

Snowboards (you know, all James Bond style dropping from a helicopter and shit).

Edit: I forgot to mention my team of 4 attack bunnies. They'll kill you before you even know they're there. And be super cute doing it.

[ToucanSpam]

Padster
a.k.a. Spiderman

I can shoot super strong sticky threads out of my wrists and swing from building to building. I can also climb up walls and hide on ceilings, which would be useful if we were like stealing shit in front of cameras. Sometimes I have to look after my elderly aunt, though, so we would have to sort out some kind of schedule that would be convenient for everyone. I have also been working as a low-level reporter for a small time newspaper for many years now, taking abuse from and making coffee for my colleagues without complaint, despite my amazing super powers and superior intellect. So I'm good at being subservient and taking orders. On top of that, I can do whatever a spider can (including: getting stood on, eating flies, scaring old ladies).
HAX!!!!!!!!111111111 :cool:

[fucktopgirl]

fucktopgirl aka fuckdickgirl

my power is my vagina and tits ,i can divert security guard while others go on with the project!

fucktopgirl aka powerpuffgirl

i fly,i kick ass,i am strong,,so my use is unlimited

fucktopgirl aka grandmagirl

i cook like a grandma,,therefore can keep all the people on the crew full of power with my chicken pie,my stew,,,,and warm them up with some killer cocktail!

experience;none
record;none
status;incognito

[avignon]

OK, it's more like Avignon's Fifteen or so, but whatever.

Avignon -criminal mastermind. And I get to wear a tight black leather suit and look all Catherine Zeta Jones and stuff.

jabumbo -inside guy, gets us building lay-outs, security codes, employee schedules, etc.

yeahwho -gets to wear costumes and cause a distraction by beating up ToucanSpam.

ToucanSpam -your job will be to cause a distraction by getting beat up by yeahwho and then go wait in the van.

Pauli -We want Pauli in our group...This is key...She will use her jedi mind trick to get us right past security when we are making off with the loot.

Pres Zount -can be the innocent-looking hacker and will hack us through the systems

cmute rhyme -wheel man

Kid Presentable -can laugh with devil-may-care abandon and NOT get a cut since he's trying to steal MY heist!

$cientific One -muscle.
*This is the legendary board bad guy, the "pseudo-racist", the guy boinking someone who's name rhymes with Fae, and his name rhymes with SnobFunny*

BangkokB -our bullshit artist, can talk us through anyone who gets in the way or questions our presence.

Echewta -the explosives expert. You can roll the dynamite up in sausage skins...

Padster -The rookie-with-something-to-prove. We'll call you "Sport" and send you for coffee.

hpdrifter -navigator. We need you to plan our escape route. Snowboards would be so Bond-like.

Tungtvann -Maybe it's best that you sit this one out. I can see us all being stealthy and quiet and then you yell out "TAL is a wanker" for no apparent reason and get us all pinched. You can be the rich guy that funds us.

fucktopgirl - you will have to get a job as a stripper and then lift the passkeys off of security guards during lap dances. And you will have to cook for us.

[yeahwho]

Hold on a minute, I have an even BETTER IDEA!

[avignon]

OK, that's just creepy. Like coming over to my house and trying on my panties and bras.

[yeahwho]

Ideas are creepy? :confused:

[avignon]

what is your idea then?

[yeahwho]

Everybody in Avignons Eleven (er 15) swap passwords and post like bitches till next year.

[avignon]

It would be unethical of me to give a guy give my password because all of the female posters on this board are constantly pm'ing each other pictures of our boobs. Didn't you know that? I thought everyone knew that.

[yeahwho]

It would be unethical of me to give a guy give my password because all of the female posters on this board are constantly pm'ing each other pictures of our boobs. Didn't you know that? I thought everyone knew that.
Damn You!

[Documad]

It would be unethical of me to give a guy give my password because all of the female posters on this board are constantly pm'ing each other pictures of our boobs. Didn't you know that? I thought everyone knew that.
Hey! That was an even bigger secret than "Yauch reads his PMs"! wtf!

[avignon]

You mean it was wrong of me to forward all the boob pm's to Yauch then?

[yeahwho]

Hey, I didn't realize it until now avignon, but we're in a neck to neck race as far as who has the most posts at the end of any given day.




*just a little padding*

[avignon]

HEY! I'm five below you!

[Kid Presentable]

HEY! I'm five below you!

You can't join my crew. Sorry.

[jabumbo]

i'm working 9 to 5

[hpdrifter]

Bitchin', I'm on the team! Me and the bunnies are planning our escape route as I type.

[paul jones]

can I be the driver?

[Pres Zount]

There is no point giving resumes if you are just going to pick anyone. :mad:

Kick some of the lamer ones out and give me a better position than hacker. :mad:

[synch]

synch
AKA badudeedoedadaduda

special skills - Can download stuff on demand. Not just porn. No really. A master procrastinator, my slowness and lazyness have near perfect precision so I can be triggered to do stuff at certain times just like chow yun fat did with that girl in hard boiled. Have a large internal database of utterly useless information that is very occasionally marginally useful so I can distract/bore people with it. Have the ability to do that in several languages and use the "that joke doesn't translate well..." excuse.
experience- Played all Grand Theft Auto games. Finished GTA 3 and Vice City. Watched "the italian job" when i was a kid.
record - Has swept mines in a small field in 17 seconds but was never caught
status - Currently having a mental image of "Nightshade" in black leather

[jabumbo]

too late synch


we just stole your computer

[synch]

Meh, I have several.

Plus I think Zount was right, she should narrow it down to 11 and make a selection.

Can't just have anyone join our gang. Right avignon sweetie honey baby pookie cookie?

[BangkokB]

Sweet! I'm in

Never forget Rule #48 Assume Formlessness (http://www.valegro.com.au/rules.htm)....I believe that book was penned by the devil himself

[avignon]

We need tracky to repair anything that we have to break so as to make it look like we were never there. Like if we have to knock holes through walls and stuff. And Paul Jones can be the back up driver.
synch's job will be to translate, download info we need, and otherwise keep me entertained.
Pres Zount we need you to disguise yourself as a tech repair guy and sneak into the building and wire us up so that we are linked into their system and plant cameras and bugs so that we have eyes and ears. This is a big job. If you get caught, you will have to fight your way out on your own. So stop crybabying.

As a trial mission, to see if we are a fine tuned team, we are going to rob Qdrop's house and steal all of his dresses.

[synch]

I downloaded a picture of his house (http://www.fotoace.com/oasens/images/pinkscamp.jpg) and some richard pryor shows to keep us entertained.

[BangkokB]

Every good operation needs an unknowing and unwilling patsy that will be the scapegoat for our glory. Here's (http://www.ccc.de/biometrie/fingerabdruck_kopieren.xml?language=en) our how to guide to make sure we have a clean getaway after the fact

[synch]

We all know what happened to mr White...

[ToucanSpam]

You still need a fall guy.

[like2_drink]

my best skills are intense lying and getting around stealth, a while ago somebody actually interupted the teacher and told me i should be a criminal because i get around so quiet.

worked with findelamonde once.

nickname: skelly ( for a select few )

arrested out of the country when me and findelamonde were caught with a court, once while juvenile when i was biking. currently not beeing investigated

[avignon]

I downloaded a picture of his house (http://www.fotoace.com/oasens/images/pinkscamp.jpg) and some richard pryor shows to keep us entertained.
So all we will need is a really big can opener.

[BangkokB]

You still need a fall guy.

I agree. That was what the patsy, scapegoat post of mine was for~complete with how to take other people fingerprints and make them the guilty party. Think of someone saccharine sweet that noone would believe it's them after their fingerprints are dusted....My vote is for the entire cast of Mona Lisa smile. That ws a crime that was inexcusable.

[avignon]

Your next assignment after stealing the dresses from Qdrop is to watch and study all of the following heist movies.
The Thomas Crown Affair
Thunderbolt and Lightfoot
Ocean's Eleven
Ocean's Twelve
Dollars
Happy New Year
Quick Change
Bellman & True
11 Harrowhouse
Sneakers
Topkapi
The Lavender Hill Mob
Going In Style
The Killing
Heist
The Score
The Italian Job

[ToucanSpam]

....Resevoir Dogs didn't make it?

[avignon]

oops.

[zippo]

use me as a human manipulator

[jabumbo]

i call dibs on being the guy who makes out with zippo after we successfully complete a mission and we toss several thousand dollars into the air

[Documad]

My favorite heist movie is Make Mine Mink. :)

I have no applicable skills, but I do have guns. ;)

[synch]

....Resevoir Dogs didn't make it?
You need to know how not to do stuff too you know.

[ToucanSpam]

You need to know how not to do stuff too you know.
Good point.

[synch]

Good point.
Plus... I think we've got a rat :mad:

[ToucanSpam]

Plus... I think we've got a rat :mad:
MUTHA FUKKA!!!!


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....... :confused: