Family.

[hpdrifter]

Why is it that your family can always make you feel guilty? Even when you've done nothing wrong.

If I don't call my grandmother once a week she calls me and says something like "Hi, haven't heard from you in awhile, just wanted to make sure everything is okay."

I can never call or go visiting enough for any of them. So I just don't go at all.

And there's always this tension when I talk to them. When are you coming down again? Your grampa would love to see you.

I mean, is it abnormal that I don't like to hang out with my family? I only live about 30 miles away but I go visit probably once every 4-6 months.

I guess I just don't have that much free time and there are other things I'd like to/have to do with it. Snowboard, go to the gym, work my other job, take care of my apartment and pets and find time to relax by myself, hang out with my friends, and deal with all of the other life stuff that comes up.

I mean, I am 28 years old and I have a whole life carved out for myself. Isn't it understandable that I would just talk to them on the phone every once in awhile?

Or am I being selfish?

[na§tee]

i hears ya.
i never make the call.
my family and i don't "chat", you know? what are we gonna talk about?
i don't really miss them if i don't see them. this doesn't mean i don't love them a lot, it's just.. i don't really feel an urge to visit them cos i miss them. i don't.
my dad always, always asks me to call my gran at the end of every phone call [normally i ignore his calls past 6pm as he's usually drunk] and i haven't spoken to her in, like, 2 years! what the crap are we gonna say to each other? i'm no conversationalist when it comes to people in my family who i wouldn't be friends with if they were on the outside world, ya know?
bleh.

[jabumbo]

i kinda had that last weekend. i was feeling sick, so i didnt really do anything, i just hung around the apartment. well saturday was the grandparents anneversary, or they were having dinner for that, and then sunday was my sister's birthday. and my mom was mad i didnt do anything for them that weekend. but what do you want me to do when i'm sick? i cancelled a couple other plans that i had as well, so its not like i didnt want to call/visit. i just felt like shit and didnt want to do anything

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, I like to hear about my grandparents' stories but I think by now I've heard them all. And I like hanging with my grandma but she always gives me crap about my life.

Why are you dating a man who has a child, do you really think there's a future in that? Why don't you get rid of those pets, they're so messy and so much work.

I spend 90% of my time defending myself and my decisions. Its exhausting. If I make one comment about feeling stressed out about my 2 jobs she gets all worked up and won't leave me alone until I say I'm going to quit one of them. I know she just cares about me but come on.

Its the same thing with my mom. She can sometimes be supportive but mostly just hassles me about all of the above and why I don't visit. Then she watches TV.

The only person who never hassles me and never asks for anything is my grampa. He has to be the most selfless person I know. He's my grandmother's second husband so he's not related by blood to my family.

I guess that explains how he can be so giving.

[enree erzweglle]

Why is it that your family can always make you feel guilty? Even when you've done nothing wrong.

If I don't call my grandmother once a week she calls me and says something like "Hi, haven't heard from you in awhile, just wanted to make sure everything is okay."

You know them best, but is there a chance that they're doing just what they say they're doing...calling to see how things are going?

That said, if your family is trying to make you feel guilty, maybe work on your reaction to it so that what they're doing doesn't affect you and so that you don't reward their behavior, you know?

If you're consistent in doing that, they'll eventually stop doing it (although my experience is that people who do that tend to intensify their efforts before they give up or scale back). Sometimes it takes a long time.

I call or TM/email my son every maybe 7-10 days to say hello. I don't assume that something is wrong if I haven't heard from him, so I don't couch it the way your family does. I just say something like, "Hi. How are things?" and "Do you need any money?" :D

I would hate to be the kind of ma who guilts her kid into doing certain things. If he calls or visits me or sends mail to me, I want it to be because he wants to do those things; I don't want him to do anything just to avoid pissing me off.

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, Crafty, I used to live in L.A. and for some reason they didn't nag me nearly as much to call and rarely bothered about coming home. I don't see why its so different now that I am an adult and out of college. I think they'd understand that I have even more stuff to do now.

[hpdrifter]

You know them best, but is there a chance that they're doing just what they say they're doing...calling to see how things are going?

That said, if your family is trying to make you feel guilty, maybe work on your reaction to it so that what they're doing doesn't affect you and so that you don't reward their behavior, you know?

If you're consistent in doing that, they'll eventually stop doing it (although my experience is that people who do that tend to intensify their efforts before they give up or scale back). Sometimes it takes a long time.

I call or TM/email my son every maybe 7-10 days to say hello. I don't assume that something is wrong if I haven't heard from him, so I don't couch it the way your family does. I just say something like, "Hi. How are things?" and "Do you need any money?" :D

I would hate to be the kind of ma who guilts her kid into doing certain things. If he calls or visits me or sends mail to me, I want it to be because he wants to do those things; I don't want him to do anything just to avoid pissing me off.

I wish I could get to that point with my family. I think its a little different for you, though. You have your own life and don't look to your son to complete you.

My mom never dated again after my dad (they split when I was 6mos old or so) and she treats my sister and I like her significant other. She expects us to be her sole emotional and social support and its suffocating.

[jabumbo]

I call or TM/email my son every maybe 7-10 days to say hello. I don't assume that something is wrong if I haven't heard from him, so I don't couch it the way your family does. I just say something like, "Hi. How are things?" and "Do you need any money?" :D


of course he needs money! send the boy some bills, ma!

[adam_f]

Originally posted by jabumbo
i kinda had that last weekend. i was feeling sick, so i didnt really do anything, i just hung around the apartment. well saturday was the grandparents anneversary, or they were having dinner for that, and then sunday was my sister's birthday. and my mom was mad i didnt do anything for them that weekend. but what do you want me to do when i'm sick? i cancelled a couple other plans that i had as well, so its not like i didnt want to call/visit. i just felt like shit and didnt want to do anything

Yeah, that's understandable. Your grandparents don't expect much from you at all, and don't ask for anything in return. Maybe just an appearance on the one day a year when the world stops and everything really revolves around them. They love you whether or not you have HIV or a common cold. I'm sure they would've just loooooovvvvvved to have seen you. And you sister's birthday. It's not like she turns (insert age) everyday.
So, you know.

[enree erzweglle]

My mom never dated again after my dad (they split when I was 6mos old or so) and she treats my sister and I like her significant other. She expects us to be her sole emotional and social support and its suffocating.
You have to maybe force your ma to stop doing that to you guys. And the way to do that is to not relent--don't give her whatever response it is that she wants (and maybe is getting). It's really hard because you have to find the balance between not letting her use you AND being a reasonable person, you know? It's hard to find that balance and stick to it. But you can do eeet. I did it with an imposing family member. I drew a line in the sand and stood my ground. There was initial shock. Then backlash. Then things got worse. Then, night and day, it all improved. We never talked about it outright. But she treats me with respect for the most part now. Score. When I DO do something that she wants to guilt me over and if I don't get the guilts, she rolls her eyes and says that I'm adopted. Score score. :D

[enree erzweglle]

of course he needs money! send the boy some bills, ma!So much easier than when I was in college. I just do an EFT. "Hi, boy, you doing okay? Huh? You need money? Hang on...three, two, one...okay, it's there...now." :)

[fucktopgirl]

i fucking love my family,,i miss them :( ,i live like 55 hours drive from them,,so let say i dont seee them a lot,once a years,my sisters come visit me here too!!MY father and nother are together for like 35 years ad we are 6 children,we are very tigh and close!

Anyway good thing that msn messenger exist,almost everyday we bullshit togethers,so that better then nothing i guess!And freaking cheaper then the phone!

[cookiepuss]

Well, the problem with family is that they know you when you are a tiny little kid with a clean slate and tons of possibilites open to you. So they have these expectations about how they'd like to see your life turn out. you're part of them and they project alot of thier shit on you. I think this is a pretty common problem for people as they become adults and find that they don't want the same things thier family does. right?

My family is constantly giving me a million suggestions on what kind of career I should have. If I have to hear them say one more time that I should be new broadcaster I'll choke my self to death. Yeah. I don't want to do that. that really wouldn't be fun. the media is such a machine. they don't seem to understand that even though I have a degree in communications, that empahsis wasn't in broadcasting. they think because i did PR for the campus TV station and had a few tiny parts in student movies, that I should be a broadcaster. they're clueless. but ya know...they just want me to be happy. and since I don't know what that will be, they want to help me with the struggle.

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, I think that's it. They only want the best for me but they don't understand that their nagging only makes it worse and stresses me out further.

Its good to know I am not the only person with this problem. It does seem to me that most of the people that posted that their families nag them are girls. Do boys somehow escape this?

Anyone want to comment of the possibility that families expect girls to be there for them in this way more often they expect it of boys?

[cookiepuss]

Its good to know I am not the only person with this problem. It does seem to me that most of the people that posted that their families nag them are girls. Do boys somehow escape this?

Anyone want to comment of the possibility that families expect girls to be there for them in this way more often they expect it of boys?


That maybe true. I mean you have to remember that womens roles have changed pretty drasticlly over the past 40 years. Anyone who has parents that grew up in the 50's-60's, still experienced the days when women were supposed to get married very young and start a family. And since the women's job was family and not to work outside the home, she would also be the one to keep in touch with her extened family and care for her elders as well. By the 70's all of that had started to really change. and now for women who are in their 20's it's entirely different. women have carreers, stay single longer, have babies later. Our parents aren't use to this and it's unsettling to them that our lives aren't set out as clearly defined as there's were. Theywant to know that when they die, we'll be taken care of and now a days many parents may not live to see that. However i think most familes still expect thier boys to grow up to be men that provide for thier family. and since they are the provders they have to devote more time for work and therefore they may not be expected to have as much time for family.

[hpdrifter]

That's true. Usually the question that immediately follows why are you dating a guy with a baby and why don't you get rid of those pets is when are you going to settle down.

I, hopefully, will not do it to my kids. But that sure ain't helping me out right now.

[hpdrifter]

Isn't it interesting, though, that it is our moms who do this to us, though they are the ones who were around when women's social role started to change?

They should know better than anyone.

[cookiepuss]

well maybe they do, because they have been living in the shadow of thier parents expectations, which most likely are very conservative.

[mickill]

I've only ever had this problem with my dad. Everybody else gives me my space, for the most part. That or they just keep their disappointment in me to themselves, which is also fine.

Edit: I should clarify, I'm talking about the not calling or coming by enough thing, not all this finding the right guy/having a baby stuff.

[hpdrifter]

You know why your mom leaves you alone? Because you have a baby.

When I was engaged I never had these problems.

[mickill]

Actually, that is kinda true. Even my dad's eased up considerably since the little miracle showed up.

[hpdrifter]

Babies: cute and useful.

Don't worry, mickill, you'll find that special guy.

[marsdaddy]

Something about you giving them the power to make you guilty. Oh that, and still resenting them all these years for your dad not around, your mom smothering you, etc. Kinda of fuzzy now.

Oh yeah, now I remember. I had some of the exact same feelings until I realized my mom will never be able to undo the things she did wrong but she loves me, and I love her -- I only realized it two months ago, so you've got time. Once I realized that, I was better able to set boundaries with which I am comfortable and not feel guilty for them.

[Medellia]

Yeah, I think that's it. They only want the best for me but they don't understand that their nagging only makes it worse and stresses me out further.
I envy those of you that are nagged out of love. My mom's family used to nag me all the time and it wasn't because they wanted me to call more or come visit them. It was more of a "you're almost twenty. Why aren't you married yet?" Now that I'm twenty-three they would be telling me that I'm going to die alone and childless if I still talked to them. And it's not like they do this because they just want me to be happy. They have said flat out that that's what I have to do because god will be angry if I don't and if god is mad at me they will be stuck in purgatory. I have no idea how my mom managed to come out of that sane.

My dad's family is different. They don't nag (much) about how I should do this or that as a career. Amazingly, they actually want me to be happy in what I do, and they're glad that I haven't gotten married to some loser or had a kid too early. Sure, they can be a bit irritating (mostly because my grandmother has a terrible memory and asks the same questions constantly) but they actually care about me and are interested in what I do. Plus it probably helps that I'm the first grandchild and that my mom is the only daughter-in-law that my grandma really gets along with. (y)

[Anne Lauren]

Why is it that your family can always make you feel guilty? Even when you've done nothing wrong.

If I don't call my grandmother once a week she calls me and says something like "Hi, haven't heard from you in awhile, just wanted to make sure everything is okay."

I can never call or go visiting enough for any of them. So I just don't go at all.

And there's always this tension when I talk to them. When are you coming down again? Your grampa would love to see you.

I mean, is it abnormal that I don't like to hang out with my family? I only live about 30 miles away but I go visit probably once every 4-6 months.

I guess I just don't have that much free time and there are other things I'd like to/have to do with it. Snowboard, go to the gym, work my other job, take care of my apartment and pets and find time to relax by myself, hang out with my friends, and deal with all of the other life stuff that comes up.

I mean, I am 28 years old and I have a whole life carved out for myself. Isn't it understandable that I would just talk to them on the phone every once in awhile?

Or am I being selfish?


I can totally identify with you, as far as the feeling guilty part is concerned. In August I finally got out of the damn house and moved away to another city. I moved back home after I filed for a divorce back in October 2004. So, I lived with my parents for not even a year and during that short period of time...I was seriously questioning my sanity. Plus the fact that I grew up in the deep south, "bible belt" part of the country and my mom was reared a southern babtist...didn't help. You were gonna "burn in hell" for everything you did. Drinking alcohol and doing illegal drugs is an evil self rememedy to your problems...meanwhile, my mom's takeing more perscription pills than a damn junkie. She has every element in the world. From living at home during that time...I found myself questioning if I was a "bad person" because I smoked cigarettes, had sex out of wedlock, and liked to get fucked up...however, I always got my shit done and did a good job at it too. That's when I realized that this little arrangement was not going to work out. Haveing not lived at home since I was 18 and during that time I had been married, had my own house, and was financially independant...I was not gonna have my mom treat me like a 15 year old. I was not used to parental authority, at all. She helped me get back on my feet and all...but, damn, it was miserable.

[ms.peachy]

I moved to a whole other continent.

[yeahwho]

I moved to Everett.

[Anne Lauren]

I moved to a whole other continent.

So did my sister...England. She got the fuck outta dodge! My brothers, my sister, and I laugh about it sometimes.

[Loppfessor]

^empty your PM box

[Anne Lauren]

^empty your PM box

Me? If so...try now.

[hpdrifter]

I moved to Everett.

You admit it!!!

Everett!

[yeahwho]

You admit it!!!

Everett!

Everett, Europe......... I had to decide which one was most least likely to tempt my family to visit.

The winner was clear.