Am I a horrible person?

[B4BY 4NN]

I just got off the phone with my farther who's been absent for the past, erm, oh I dunno... 17 years of my life? (He left when I was 2.) My sister and I would visit from time-to-time when younger, but everytime going up to his house, I was either criticized by him, his other children, or his evil wife. "Oh, you're a little chubby, Sarah", "You need to dress more like a girl, Sarah", "You look too much like your mother, Sarah. And she's a dog." You know, stuff along those lines. And my sister was always the one who received praise, because she was smarter, prettier, got better grades, blablabla.

Anyway..

I haven't visisted in about 5-6 years (because it's no longer forced of me by my mother). He's going in for surgery tomorrow and decided to call me for some reason. And again, the criticism...

"What are you doing with your life? When are you going back to school? You're retarded for dropping out. Why did you make such a stupid move? You're just like your mother. A failure."

Yeah, so, I told him the next time I see him will be at his funeral. :confused:

[TurdBerglar]

well he has a point there. he just worded it wrong. tried to make you ashamed.


go back to school and tell him to go fuck himself

[jabumbo]

no

[Medellia]

Hmmm, I don't know what to say. On one hand I want to say that you probably could have worded it better. But on the other hand it sounds like he's kinda an asshole and maybe deserved it.

[B4BY 4NN]

go back to school and tell him to go fuck himself

In which I AM. I've everything together, and TRIED explaining that to him. But still, he just went on-and-on... "NO YOU WON'T, NO YOU WON'T, ASD)AD*AS)"D!"

[jackrock]

maybe addressing them that the critisicm isn't helping ...?

[TurdBerglar]

In which I AM. I've everything together, and TRIED explaining that to him. But still, he just went on-and-on... "NO YOU WON'T, NO YOU WON'T, ASD)AD*AS)"D!"


then you have one thing left to do. no need being around or considering someone if all they do is bring you down

[B4BY 4NN]

maybe addressing them that the critisicm isn't helping ...?

I've voiced my feelings over the past couple of years to him, his wife, not-so-much the kids because, well, at the time they were just kids. I've told him a lot of my insecurities have probably stemmed from what was said to me. But everytime I'm told to "grow up".

[Chicka B]

No, from what I know about you on here you seem like a cool person. I wouldn't let that shit cut me down, just let it go in one ear and out the other. What you said to him was just your way of expressing the way you feel, although it was kinda harsh since he could really die. But if he's been putting you down everytime he saw you, then I think he deserves it. And he aint got no right to criticize you if he barely even knows you. About you quiting school aint none of his business because he wasn't there for you, so just don't listen to it. And they're wrong about you being ugly because I seen pictures of you on here and your pretty. In a non-creepy way of course because I'm not a lesbien. :)

[jackrock]

that's bullspit (n)

[enree erzweglle]

^^^:( that they say those things to you.


Yeah, so, I told him the next time I see him will be at his funeral.
I'd ask myself this: am I doing this to punish him? I'd try to be as honest with myself about this as possible. Like am I trying to get a rise out of him or his wife? ...am I doing this just to gain control just to have it? ...to shock or hurt him, maybe?

Some people argue that you've got to be unconditionally loyal to your parents and family members. I struggled with this years ago, but I got myself to a point where I make these kinds of decisions based on how a person and I interact, not on bloodlines.

I've given this a lot of thought over the years.

[B4BY 4NN]

But if he's been putting you down everytime he saw you, then I think he deserves it. And he aint got no right to criticize you if he barely even knows you. About you quiting school aint none of his business because he wasn't there for you...

EXACTLY. He never attended my violin concerts, award ceremonies, art exhibits -- NOTHING. They were always inconveniences because the kids had football, or cheerleading, or the car "broke down".

[na§tee]

well, of course you are not a horrible person, and you know that.
your dad, it seems, does care for you, however much he may need to really work on that and show it more, but for whatever reason; arrogance, low self-esteem, power; he has to disguise it in that really mean and immature of way of placing it into a put-down.
i hope one day, when he is older and lonely, that he will realise his faults and try to make good.

[Sarky Devotchka]

I didn't see or talk to my dad from about age 10-21, but then I decided to call him and he sent me a plane ticket and it was fine. My mom didn't like it though. I thought maybe he had stopped being a asshole and cleaned up his act. I don't really remember when or why exactly I decided that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I guess it was partly because my mom didn't want me to talk to him and he started making some rude comments about her. and I had found a disturbing newspaper article about him being arrested (for assault/drugs/unlicensed weapons) that my mom had kept from the late 80's and it upset me, so I wrote him a letter and transposed the article. he responded with a letter that was a shit storm of lies about my mom and how she manipulated me into thinking things happened when they didn't...when he's the one who tried to brainwash me with sessions in the basement where he'd force me to listen to conversations between her and him that he had taped and talk about how she was a "fat cow" and on and on. I was 7 years old.

I realized that he's still a jerk, so I just never wrote back. that was about 3 years ago. I mean, he's my dad, but he's a sociopath, I don't need that kind of trouble really.

sometimes parents are jerks and you shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to talk to them just because they made you.

[jackrock]

yeah, don't ever believe your a bad person

[GreenEarthAl]

I tried to vote no, but the poll was missing.

You're a bit of an ass to me personally, but overall your a-okay.

[ToucanSpam]

I don't think anyone should ever say that to a parent, but you have a right to say and do what you please.

[B4BY 4NN]

I tried to vote no, but the poll was missing.

You're a bit of an ass to me personally, but overall your a-okay.

Gee, haven't we changed our tune recently? I recall you being quite complimentary after TOY bis was said and done. Maybe it was my marsdaddy remark :rolleyes:

[GreenEarthAl]

Huh? I don't know what you mean. I tried to vote no that you're not a horrible person.

Does that make me a horrible person?

I don't know. Where's the poll?

[Medellia]

I don't think anyone should ever say that to a parent, but you have a right to say and do what you please.
Normally I would agree whole-heartedly with this, but it's not quite so easy to say that when the parent in question says things like this:
"You look too much like your mother, Sarah. And she's a dog."
or this:
"You're retarded for dropping out. Why did you make such a stupid move? You're just like your mother. A failure."

She might have chosen the wrong words, but if any crappy parent deserves it, it's people who act the way he seems to.

[ToucanSpam]

Good point Medellia the Shithead. Perhaps both she and her father are poor at conveying their feelings with words.

[Medellia]

Good point Medellia the Shithead. Perhaps both she and her father are poor at conveying their feelings with words.
Well said. Except the "shithead" part.




Shithead? :(

[ToucanSpam]

Oh yes. I went there.



I'm sorry.

[cosmo105]

I don't think anyone should ever say that to a parent, but you have a right to say and do what you please.
you have loving parents and a healthy relationship with them. you have no idea what it's like for her.

[ToucanSpam]

you have loving parents and a healthy relationship with them. you have no idea what it's like for her.
You're absolutely right, I don't. But she asked us our opinion. I don't think you should EVER say something like that to another human being, regardless of how much of an ass they are.

That being said, no one should have to put up with the shit she has to.

[TurdBerglar]

what about hitler? could you have said that shit to hitler?

[cosmo105]

You're absolutely right, I don't. But she asked us our opinion. I don't think you should EVER say something like that to another human being, regardless of how much of an ass they are.

That being said, no one should have to put up with the shit she has to.
while it may not be the most tactful thing she could have said, at least she's not keeping it inside and she's standing up for herself in a way.

sorry, this is a sore subject for me.

[ToucanSpam]

You know what cosmo, you're right on two fronts.

I really can't understand this situation, I can only empathize with her. I dont think what she did was proper, but it was not wrong. Also, she is standing up for herself, which is much more important than her choice of words.

No, B4BY 4NN, you are not a bad person, you're dealing with the issue the best way you know how. You shouldn't be made to feel bad about what you said or what you did.

[DandyFop]

you have loving parents and a healthy relationship with them. you have no idea what it's like for her.

Yes...just because someone injects their sperm into another, doesn't mean they have any right to be a parent. So sad.

[fucktopgirl]

I just got off the phone with my farther who's been absent for the past, erm, oh I dunno... 17 years of my life? (He left when I was 2.) My sister and I would visit from time-to-time when younger, but everytime going up to his house, I was either criticized by him, his other children, or his evil wife. "Oh, you're a little chubby, Sarah", "You need to dress more like a girl, Sarah", "You look too much like your mother, Sarah. And she's a dog." You know, stuff along those lines. And my sister was always the one who received praise, because she was smarter, prettier, got better grades, blablabla.

Anyway..

I haven't visisted in about 5-6 years (because it's no longer forced of me by my mother). He's going in for surgery tomorrow and decided to call me for some reason. And again, the criticism...

"What are you doing with your life? When are you going back to school? You're retarded for dropping out. Why did you make such a stupid move? You're just like your mother. A failure."

Yeah, so, I told him the next time I see him will be at his funeral. :confused:

Its normal to have said what you did say!Its normal to feel anger and express it!YOU HAVE TO EXPRESS IT.It is part of the human emotion.THat said,you are the only who know if your father is worty of your love thus your effort to maybe make this relationship more human,reconciliation.

MAybe he is really a dick head maybe not!One thing for shure ,family suppose to be your backbone but it is not always the case;thoses situation can just make you stronger in the long run!


hey ,i try my best to giive an intelligent and mature response! :D

[SobaViolence]

from what i can tell, you're pretty kick ass.

having my mom kick my brother out, let her boyfriend say the most vile things about me and my siblings(and my father) then get me so blindingly angry as to threaten his life and have the cops arrest me with guns drawn changed my complete perspective on everything.


you can not control anything other than your self. make no doubt, being a parent does not in any way mean they can treat you like shit.

do what you want to do with your life, if they can't get behind you or at least let you learn from your mistakes...they aren't worth worrying about.

sometimes it is better to walk away or not say anything, but sometimes the emotion(s) that are evoked, understandably, seize control.

all anyone can do is to strive to be better than their parents; to not make the same or worst mistakes...

/rant

[ms.peachy]

I highly recommend this book. (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553284347/103-4013077-4407820?v=glance&n=283155)

[miss soul fire]

I'm really sorry about your father. That must be terrible. (n)

I would like you to go back to school. In which year did you drop it out??

[Anne Lauren]

No, you are not a bad person, at all!

And, do what you wanna do! (y) If you want to go back to school and finish...then do it! If you don't...then don't! No one answer is really better than the other...I don't care what people tell ya! ;) It's really just all about what you feel comfortable with in your life. It's your life for the choosing...

[enree erzweglle]

I don't know you or your dad, but it sounds like his reactions are perhaps coming from impatience and disappointment maybe for you having made choices that he doesn't support or that he wouldn't have made. Maybe your dad prepared or planned opportunities for you that, to him, seem to not be important to you. The choices that you're making might scare him for your sake and for his too.

Not that that entitles him to say the mean things he's said to you, but the sorts of things he's doing are a way for him to have control, maybe, over this situation, which maybe down deep pains him in ways that are hard to understand from where you're sitting.

I didn't understand a lot about my parents until I became one.

[cosmo105]

I highly recommend this book. (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553284347/103-4013077-4407820?v=glance&n=283155)
that looks like an amazing book. i'm sure many of us could use it.

[marsdaddy]

that looks like an amazing book. i'm sure many of us could use it.Except you can't really *learn* acceptance and forgiveness from a book.

No Sarah, you're not horrible...you're human. Humans have emotions, sometimes those get bottled up inside and come out in anger, resentment, and whatnot. Some of what's been said here -- know that you are not a bad person, no matter what your dad says -- is key. Also, being in touch with your feelings and how they impact your actions. And one thing that's really helped me -- especially lately -- is remembering the person I want to be and trying to make sure my actions are consistent with that. Acknowledging I'm not perfect but that doesn't make me horrible helped, too.

That being said, I had/have a lot of resentment towards my mom and my dad. My resentment manifested itself in that I heard my mom's comments as criticisms when she meant them as helpful -- not saying your dad does, as I have no idea. I only recently figured out that she heard my dismissal of her comments as criticisms of her.

Becoming a parent helped me figure some of this out. Almost dying helped, too. You'll figured it out for you, in due time.

[beastieangel01]

In which I AM. I've everything together, and TRIED explaining that to him. But still, he just went on-and-on... "NO YOU WON'T, NO YOU WON'T, ASD)AD*AS)"D!"

I don't think what you said made you a horrible person. You are angry, and rightfully so.

That's a tough situation. Mmm, not too sure how to say this but basically one day you might regret saying that to him. But at the same time, he needs to realize that he's being an asshole.

That whole situation sucks. I'm sorry.

[HotAndWet]

Tonight I told my dad if I ended up killing myself it was his fault, I have no intention of doing this but I want him to feel bad for being a dickfuck.