View Full Version : Another crap joke
Guy Incognito
02-27-2006, 01:51 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He was up all night wondering if there really was a dog!
abcdefz
02-27-2006, 01:56 PM
Guy at a bar is so drunk he throws up on himself. Horrified, he says to the barteneder, "Hell, I can't go home like this -- my wife'll KILL me."
Bartender asks if he has twenty dollars.
"Yeah."
"Give it to me."
Guy gives the bartender twenty dollars, and the bartender puts it in the guy's front shirt pocket.
"There. Now, if your wife says anything, tell her a drunk guy threw up on you, but he gave you twenty dollars to get the shirt cleaned."
"Good idea!"
Guy goes home to his wife. She notes his condition with dismay.
"What happened to you?"
"A drunk guy threw up on me, but here -- " he reaches in his front pocket -- "He gave me twenty dollars!"
She insoects the money. "But -- there's forty dollars here!"
"I know!" the guy says. "He shit in my pants, too!"
cosmo105
02-27-2006, 02:03 PM
a dyslexic walks into a rab.
abcdefz
02-27-2006, 02:03 PM
a dyslexic walks into a rab.
:D
I LOL'ed.
roosta
02-27-2006, 02:04 PM
a rabbi, a priest and a vicar walk into a bar
the bar tender says "is this some kind of joke?"
Guy Incognito
02-27-2006, 02:14 PM
a rabbi, a priest and a vicar walk into a bar
the bar tender says "is this some kind of joke?"
LOL
This one is v. poor -
An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man had noticed that the older man always seemed to have a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.
One day while the older man was away from his desk the young man couldn't resist and went to the old man's jar and ate over half the peanuts.
When the old man returned the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.
The old man responded "That's ok since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms."
whats the hardest thing about rollerblading?
Telling your parents that you are gay!
ZING!
and.....
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together and see a 12 year old boy.
The priest says, "hey, we should fuck him".
The rabbi says, "out of what?".
DOUBLE ZING!
Qdrop
02-27-2006, 02:31 PM
whats the hardest thing about rollerblading?
Telling your parents that you are gay!
ZING!
and.....
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together and see a 12 year old boy.
The priest says, "hey, we should fuck him".
The rabbi says, "out of what?".
DOUBLE ZING!
nice.
Guy Incognito
02-27-2006, 02:51 PM
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together and see a 12 year old boy.
The priest says, "hey, we should fuck him".
The rabbi says, "out of what?".
DOUBLE ZING!
Erm .. I am afraid thats lost on me - i need an explanation :o
Guy Incognito
02-27-2006, 03:01 PM
Really?
Really - maybe its cos i've had a long day but I've been staring at it for ages and just dont see it- rabbi? - out of what?.
abcdefz
02-27-2006, 03:10 PM
Jew... shrewdly bilking people out of money....
That's sort of a stereotype.
adam_f
02-27-2006, 03:15 PM
At least they manage their money well.
i stole that rollerblading joke for my away message. i hope that's ok
beastiegirrl101
02-27-2006, 03:26 PM
Where does a general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
abcdefz
02-27-2006, 03:32 PM
Where does a general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Oh, God. That actually took me a moment.
Booooooooooooooooooooooo. :D
bigblu89
02-27-2006, 03:37 PM
Kinda long but worth it... not really
Guy walks into a bar, and there's all sorts of pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling on strings.
Behind the bar there's a big glass jar filled with fives.
Curious, the guy asks the bartender what the deal is.
The bartender explains:
"We have a little running bet here at this bar, if you want, you can bet the bar $5 that you can jump and touch one of the pieces of meat. If you win the bet, you get all the money in the jar, if you don't your $5 goes into the jar."
"Fair enough." the guy responds.
"So do you wanna take the bet?" the Bartender asks.
The man replies, "No thanks, the STEAKS are too high."
STEAKS! STAKES!
Fucking comedy righthere.
beastiegirrl101
02-27-2006, 03:51 PM
Oh, God. That actually took me a moment.
Booooooooooooooooooooooo. :D
haha, sorry I am full of cheesy ones. Such as..
What did one potato chip say to the other potato chip?
Are you free to lay?
ha...(frito-lay)
DapperDiverge
02-27-2006, 05:40 PM
a priest, a rabbi and a baptist minister are taking the children from their private schools on a field trip on a cruise ship.
Later that day while the cruise is on sea, the ship hits an iceburg and starts to sink! Everybody on board is freaking out
The baptist minister says, " oh dear lord the ship is sinking!! Quick! We have to save the kids!"
The rabbi says, " Fuck the kids!!"
The priest said, " I'd love to, but this doesn't look like a good time"
:eek: ;)
cosmo105
02-27-2006, 06:37 PM
two fish are in a tank. one says to the other,
"hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
cookiepuss
02-27-2006, 06:52 PM
A pub owner has to go out of town for a family emergency so he asks his friend to watch thebar for him. "It's easy," he tells his friend, "the only thing you have to be aware of is I have two customers, a deaf and a mute, who use hand signals to order a drink. thumbs up is rye, thumbs down is burbon. Just remember that and you'll be fine!" Sure enough the deaf and mute guys come in for a drink. they start putting em away, there were so many thumbs upand thumbs down it was like watching a Siskel and Ebert marathon. Finally the two guys stop drinking and sit there with thier mouths open. The friend has no idea what this means so he calls the pub owner, worried he may have done something wrong. The pubs owner asks how much they've had to drink, and the friend replys that he's lost count. the pub owner begins to laugh and says, "Oh that's ok then, they're just singing!"
Jmoney77
02-27-2006, 09:32 PM
Too good (y)
rob20
02-28-2006, 10:57 AM
man of the house
On the bus ride home from work that night, the husband hadfinished the book he was reading, Man of the House.
Arriving at his house, he stormed in the front door, and angrily stomped over to the living room couch where his wife lay sprawled watching TV. "From now on," he shouted, pointing a finger in her face, "I want you to know that I'm the man of this house, and my word is law! Tonight you're going to prepare me a gourmet meal and a scrumptious dessert. And when I'm finished eating, you're going to run me a warm soapy bath so that I can relax." " Then afterwards," he said, "guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
Without batting an eye, his wife flatly replied, "How about the funeral director?"
rob20
02-28-2006, 10:57 AM
So these two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says "Holy shit! It's hot in here." The other says "Holy shit! A talking muffin."
rob20
02-28-2006, 10:58 AM
Mama tomato, Papa tomato, and Baby tomato are walking down the street. Baby tomato starts to lag behind. Papa tomato goes back, squashes Baby tomato, and says "Catch Up.".
b-grrrlie
02-28-2006, 05:04 PM
Kinda long but worth it... not really
Guy walks into a bar, and there's all sorts of pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling on strings.
Behind the bar there's a big glass jar filled with fives.
Curious, the guy asks the bartender what the deal is.
The bartender explains:
"We have a little running bet here at this bar, if you want, you can bet the bar $5 that you can jump and touch one of the pieces of meat. If you win the bet, you get all the money in the jar, if you don't your $5 goes into the jar."
"Fair enough." the guy responds.
"So do you wanna take the bet?" the Bartender asks.
The man replies, "No thanks, the STEAKS are too high."
STEAKS! STAKES!
Fucking comedy righthere.
I thought I'd told this one here before! well, maybe it was another forum... anyway I heard it the first time in Ireland almost 15 years ago...
discopants
03-01-2006, 03:45 AM
Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic? Theres a 12 month waiting list.
Junker
03-02-2006, 11:27 AM
Guy at a bar is so drunk he throws up on himself. Horrified, he says to the barteneder, "Hell, I can't go home like this -- my wife'll KILL me."
Bartender asks if he has twenty dollars.
"Yeah."
"Give it to me."
Guy gives the bartender twenty dollars, and the bartender puts it in the guy's front shirt pocket.
"There. Now, if your wife says anything, tell her a drunk guy threw up on you, but he gave you twenty dollars to get the shirt cleaned."
"Good idea!"
Guy goes home to his wife. She notes his condition with dismay.
"What happened to you?"
"A drunk guy threw up on me, but here -- " he reaches in his front pocket -- "He gave me twenty dollars!"
She insoects the money. "But -- there's forty dollars here!"
"I know!" the guy says. "He shit in my pants, too!"
HAHAHAHAHAHA..................... Nice 1 (y)
ScarySquirrel
03-02-2006, 12:00 PM
This guy has just moved into a new neighborhood and decides to start doing some exploring. After cruising the blocks for a few hours, he comes across this nice looking little bar.
Once he gets inside he notices a sign above the bar that seems a little out of the ordinary. It reads:
Cheese sandwich: $1.50
Ham sandwich: $2.50
Handjobs: $10.00
A little shocked at his luck, he checks his wallet to make sure he's got the necessary money and calls one of the very attractive female bartenders over.
"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" he inquires?
"Yes, I most certainly am," she purrs very sexily at him.
"Well," he replies, "wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich."
abcdefz
03-02-2006, 12:12 PM
So these two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says "Holy shit! It's hot in here." The other says "Holy shit! A talking muffin."
:D
Ally Al
03-02-2006, 12:13 PM
Two midgets on holiday and on their first night out they meet two really hot chicks. After a full night of dancing and drinking they go back to their room and take the ladies into their bedrooms. The first midget is just starting to get it on with his lady when he's distracted by the shouts from his friends bedroom " 1 2 3 AHHH, 1 2 3 AHHHH". The shouts continue through the night and the first midget finds this a little off putting and can't get an erection. He makes his apologises and the girl leaves. The two midgets meet at the breakfast table the following morning, the second midget asks " well how did you get on last night ?", "not great" replies the first midget "i couldn't get a hard on", "fuck me "says the second midget, "you think thats bad, i couldn't even get on the bed!!"
beastiegirrl101
03-02-2006, 12:35 PM
What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
ME!!!
Guy Incognito
03-02-2006, 12:53 PM
This guy has just moved into a new neighborhood and decides to start doing some exploring. After cruising the blocks for a few hours, he comes across this nice looking little bar.
Once he gets inside he notices a sign above the bar that seems a little out of the ordinary. It reads:
Cheese sandwich: $1.50
Ham sandwich: $2.50
Handjobs: $10.00
A little shocked at his luck, he checks his wallet to make sure he's got the necessary money and calls one of the very attractive female bartenders over.
"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" he inquires?
"Yes, I most certainly am," she purrs very sexily at him.
"Well," he replies, "wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich."
:D :D
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
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