my boyfriend's father passed away...

[hpdrifter]

... and I don't know what to do to help him. I haven't lost a parent and I've never been through this with a significant other.

Has anyone been through this? What can I do for him? What should I not do? He's in so much pain and I feel so helpless.

[abcdefz]

Just ask him what he wants. Does he want you around, does he want to be alone, talk, not talk, etc. If he wants to be alone, ask if you can check on him in (twelve hours/a day/ etc.).

I don't know how close you both are. If he wants to be alone, or if he wants to go shoot hoops with the guys, whatever -- don't take it personally.

Basically, be as low maintenance as possible. Then you're a sanctuary.

[ericlee]

My Dad passed away in 95 and it's still hard to cope with sometimes. Just be there for him. My ex girlfriend at the time helped me alot during the first two years afterwards and her company kept alot of the tension away.

One thing I found beneficial is that I had an urge to drown my sorrows everytime I'd get down and she discouraged me from doing so.

As a-z said, friends always help out too. I'm not sure if he plays any musical instrument or not but, it was another harmelss way to release my aggression as well.

He'll be allright, it will take a little time.

[enree erzweglle]

When my ma died, I pulled into myself. It was relatively unexpected and we were all dealing with it at the same time--enough that the prying members of my family didn't have time to analyze the progression and quality of everyone else's grief. That was a tiny blessing for people who grieve in private.

Your bf might need the kind of space that I needed or maybe he needs to talk about it.

I'd just ask and take a big cue from what he says and does and go from there.

I'm sorry about his dad dying. Nice that you're there for your BF.

[hpdrifter]

He said he wants me to just be with him, just physically be with him. I've tried a-z's advice, just doing what he asks. Talking when he wants to talk, just hanging out. Getting him water or food if he needs it.

Its just so hard. His family isn't being very supportive. I just feel so helpless. I called in yesterday to be with him and now he's with his family but I just wish I didnt have to be at work.

[enree erzweglle]

He said he wants me to just be with him, just physically be with him. I've tried a-z's advice, just doing what he asks. Talking when he wants to talk, just hanging out. Getting him water or food if he needs it.

Its just so hard. His family isn't being very supportive. I just feel so helpless. I called in yesterday to be with him and now he's with his family but I just wish I didnt have to be at work.It's not easy and it probably will get worse before it gets better, and then it will change. I think once the funeral is over and the family settles into the reality of it, things shift around and that's when your BF will probably think and start to deal. That's also probably when he'll need you the most to do what he needs the most, you know?

It's not easy--it's a sort of inconsistent process and it has its own concept of time and progress.

[Monsieur Decuts]

I'm pretty sure you know what's right to do. Follow your instincts and be nuturing, and in tune with his needs.

One thing that helped my family was to buy a pet, don't outwardly say "this is a replacement" or whatever, but just have one show up. The timing of the purchase combined with the feelings that come from having a little pet may help him cope, if he's that type of guy. Channel the negative emotions into what they really are, love.

Another bunny?

[abcdefz]

I'm pretty sure you know what's right to do. Follow your instincts and be nuturing, and in tune with his needs.




Nnnnnnnnnnnnn I dunno. Men and women deal with this stuff so differently. A woman following her instincts in comforting might seem all well and good, yet feel smothering to him. Some guys don't want to talk it all out at the drop of a hat, or be cuddled 24/7 or whatever.

That's a little stereotypical, but you get my meaning. Hell, he might be better off if she asks him to change the oil in her car, you know?

[hpdrifter]

God I just don't feel like doing anything. I'll go to do something and I'm like, meh whatever. I'm not hungry or even bored. I just feel numb and tired.

I've been having some issues with my mom and I tried to talk to her yesterday but she just spit the same old vitriol back at me.

[Nuzzolese]

I've never been so close to someone who lost a parent, but I've had friends who lost family members and the best thing at the time was to always give time and attention and support and never to leave anything to them to deal with, as far as accepting offers or gifts.

It's hard enough to deal with everything else, that it's not really helpful to say "I'm here if you need me" and then leave them alone, leaving it up to them to accept your offer. And if you say "if you need anything, let me know" then that's tough on them too because now the ball is in their court, when it would be easier if you just gave them things and were there.

It would be easier for them to say "leave me alone" or "no thankyou" when presented with your gift or presence, but it's harder for them to seek you out or ask for specifics when you've left yourself ambiguous.

That's what I think, anyway. I haven't really been there. I understand that this is tough for you too, though. You're in a tough place. He needs you now and that is a big role for you to play, to be there for him and kind of give up your own emotional needs for a while.

[abcdefz]

I've never been so close to someone who lost a parent, but I've had friends who lost family members and the best thing at the time was to always give time and attention and support and never to leave anything to them to deal with, as far as accepting offers or gifts.

It's hard enough to deal with everything else, that it's not really helpful to say "I'm here if you need me" and then leave them alone, leaving it up to them to accept your offer. And if you say "if you need anything, let me know" then that's tough on them too because now the ball is in their court, when it would be easier if you just gave them things and were there.

It would be easier for them to say "leave me alone" or "no thankyou" when presented with your gift or presence, but it's harder for them to seek you out or ask for specifics when you've left yourself ambiguous.





That's basically what I think, which is why you ask when you can check back. You don't want to bother someone every five minutes, but saying "Why don't I call you around 4:00?" also gives them a frame of reference without having to make the effort themselves, if they don't want to.

[cosmo105]

today's the sixth anniversary of my father's death.


you're doing well so far. keep it up. just be there. don't force anything out of him. be prepared to deal with some serious shit. don't try and pretend it didn't happen, he has to DEAL with it and you can't cover it up with affection. i made that mistake. i tried having a boyfriend right after it and when we broke up it finally hit me that my father had died.

don't feel too helpless. there's really nothing more you can do than being there for him and listening to him. just be the person he loves - and be strong for him. don't coddle him too much, though, and don't let him wallow in it excessively. i mean, everyone grieves differently, but it comes to a point where you really have to go on with your everyday life. of course, you don't want to actually say that to him in such words. but you need to be there for him to remember that he can be happy again and all.

six years. man.

[hpdrifter]

Wow, you lost your father young. You were young and he must have been relatively young.

I came over as soon as I heard, I was actually on my way to his house when he called and asked me to come over. I got there and he screamed and punched the wall and cried and hugged me. I asked him what he needed and he just said don't leave so I called in a few favors for people to go get my stuff and take care of my pets. I stayed with him til Monday morning when he went to his sister's house to take care of some stuff. I asked him if he wanted me to come, I told him work was no problem but he said he didn't need me to.

There is one thing that's worrying me. I went along with it at the time because I just wanted to help comfort him. The thing is, on Sunday evening (he found out Saturday night) after his mom left he wanted to go to the liquor store and make some drinks and watch a movie and eat some food at home. At the time I thought, that's normal. I could use a drink, neither of us can sleep very well, maybe it'll help us relax. And it was fine, he drank a lot but didn't get totally hammered.

I guess I'm just a little worried that that's not the extent of it. I mean, he tends to get a little crazy with alcohol when he's upset about something. I feel guilty about it and I haven't said anything but I am a little worried that this weekend or next weekend he's going to start getting trashed regularly.

[cosmo105]

yeah. i was 15. he was 48.

hrm. yeah, watch the alcohol thing. that's a delicate one, though. just be firm and quick in your responses - nah, let's not drink tonight, we just drank the other night, and the last thing you need right now is a depressant. hey! how about some scrabble?

[Monsieur Decuts]

Nnnnnnnnnnnnn I dunno. Men and women deal with this stuff so differently. A woman following her instincts in comforting might seem all well and good, yet feel smothering to him. Some guys don't want to talk it all out at the drop of a hat, or be cuddled 24/7 or whatever.

That's a little stereotypical, but you get my meaning. Hell, he might be better off if she asks him to change the oil in her car, you know?


wise wise wise.

[hpdrifter]

yeah. i was 15. he was 48.

hrm. yeah, watch the alcohol thing. that's a delicate one, though. just be firm and quick in your responses - nah, let's not drink tonight, we just drank the other night, and the last thing you need right now is a depressant. hey! how about some scrabble?

He does enjoy trivial pursuit...

Yeah, I'm going to have to figure out how to navigate that delicately. He gets really angry when I try to talk to him about his partying. We've had one quite nasty argument about it. It was an issue with us even before this happened.

[kaiser soze]

I'm sorry to hear and I'm sure it's a difficult place to be in ( wanting give him all the care in the world, but also letting him cope personally )

Don't know if you were close with his dad ( I've always tried to be as close as possible with my girlfriend's parents ). But I'm sure you're upset too, let him know you're mourning with him so he's not alone.

Hang in there, don't let him get self-destructive, find something constructive for him to do (maybe make a scrapbook of his dad with him or something else in rememberance, pictures can help bring back good memories/stories )

hope our help is a little bit of something!

[ms.peachy]

As others have said, you don't need to do anything really, just give him time and (inner) space. Mr.p's dad died a few years before we got married and really thre wasn't anything I could do other than just 'be around'. And honestly sometimes that's really enough.

TBH, a lot of 'dad' stuff is coming out now, now that he's about to become a father, which I hadn't thought about but I suppose isn't really surprising. But because it's been close to 10 years, he's got persepctive on it and can deal with it well. Time is, as is well known, the ultimate healer really.