Wife Quits Job vs Infant Being Left In The Care Of Potential Vampires And/Or Killers

[mickill]

My wife and about 15 other people at her work were laid off from their jobs a few months ago. She wasn't scheduled to return from her maternity leave until May, anyway. But she isn't eligible for unemployment assisitance since she hadn't been working the past year. So that leaves us with a single income at the end of April. She'd only intended on returning to work part-time, but it was still money we were counting on and had included in our budget.

At first, this really seemed like the end of the world for us. If we didn't have the baby, we could just do whatever. But it's not so simple anymore. Jenny was paid very well for doing something she actually enjoyed. So, you could say there was a lot of worrying and stressing going on between us over the last few months.

One day I decided I wasn't going to let it get to me anymore, though. So I seriously stopped letting it piss me off and worry me like that. We'd been looking for a good daycare for Ava a few months earlier and had zero luck. Neither of our families are able to help out in that regard either. So I told Jenny that maybe it was for the best. She'd been dreaming about staying home to raise Ava herself, anyhow. So we started giving that idea a lot of consideration, much to the dismay/disapproval/disappointment/disgust of those closest to us.

Recently, the wife found out that she can go back to work on a part-time basis, just as we'd hoped. But, I guess after anticipating the worst, we started looking on the bright side a bit too much and actually started to believe what we'd been telling ourselves and one another to get through all of this.

So now we're not so sure if she should go back. I've told Jenny that it's up to her, more or less, but that I'd prefer if she did stay home with the Ava. We'd be getting in way over our heads financially, but I can't put the house, cars and whatever else we stand to lose before the care and development of my daughter's brain, I guess. And I think Jenny feels the same way. Our families and a few of our friends, particularly people the wife works with, think we're kinda idiots for the most part. Maybe we are. Because there's no way we're going to get by on my income alone without some other great ideas to back this one.

On the other hand, we don't want Ava living in a complete hole in the ground. So we need to weigh out the pros and cons here, I guess. We're strongly considering it. She need to let her boss know within the next week. Farkin chit man.

[Ally Al]

my wife stayed at home with both our kids and we do ok on my income, so you know it can be done. The way we look at it is although things get a little tight every now and then the time will come when she's in full employment again and life will be a lot easier financially. The kids have benefitted SO much, way ahead of other kids their age, it's been worth it.

[abcdefz]

Man -- if one parent who loves the kid can stay home, that's the best situation in the world. Why work to pay for other people to care (or not) for your kid? Isn't that a wash?

What bugs me is two parents working and putting the kid(s) in daycare so they can afford "things," including daycare. It's like, what the fuck -- OUTSOURCING your CHILD!?

[ampm]

I know couples where the husband makes over a $100K and the wife still works. Why have kids? Kids won't remember that they got everything they wanted for Christmas, but they'll remember they weren't calling a stranger "mommy."

[DandyFop]

The part I find somewhat disturbing about this is that you can't find any support from your friends/family Mike. That's just lame. It's too bad that a parental unit can't offer their help as far as child-care goes, but in the least you should just be able to feel good in your choice to have her be a stay-at-home mom. I'm sorry that you have to deal with people being shitty on top of making this big decision.

That being said, I really don't think a part-time job would be detrimental to ava's growth. How many hours a week are we talking here? When I was growing up, my mom also had part-time jobs while my dad worked full-time, and she found some great local child-care that worked out well. It's not like I was there all-day, every-day or something, since she only worked part-time.

[abcdefz]

That being said, I really don't think a part-time job would be detrimental to ava's growth. How many hours a week are we talking here? When I was growing up, my mom also had part-time jobs while my dad worked full-time, and she found some great local child-care that worked out well. It's not like I was there all-day, every-day or something, since she only worked part-time.


...and look how that turned out. :D

[ToucanSpam]

Sell the car, use mass transit? Is that an option?


It is a real shame that you're in financial trouble and can't find a place for your child to be taken care of. My sympathies.

Best of luck figuring it all out, I'm sure things will work out for the best.

[CrankItUp!]

I guess if it were me I'd smuggle the kid inside work with me, so the kid could hand me a wrench while hiding on the bicycle repair bench.

[ms.peachy]

I know couples where the husband makes over a $100K and the wife still works. Why have kids? Kids won't remember that they got everything they wanted for Christmas, but they'll remember they weren't calling a stranger "mommy."

Uhh, my husband makes over 100K, and I'm planning to go back to work. Because I, uh, LIKE my career? And because I think it will actually be good for my daughter to see her mother as a strong, capable working woman?

[Nuzzolese]

I agree with Dandy Fop. I think it would be good for Ava to be able to interact with other kids and get used to new people and new environments. And it would be good for Jenny to get out of the house regularly and interact with adults and be mentally challenged. But if it's only part time then they still get to spend a lot of time together.Good luck. No matter what you choose, you're both good parents and Ava is going to grow up to be an amazing person.

Both of my parents worked because they had to, to afford food and clothes and bills that we kids needed. No relatives lived around us to help. Luckily for my parents, they found a lady who lived in our neighborhood and worked from her home as a daycare. She was great and I have fond memories of being there, and the friends I made there. And my personal anecdotes mean a LOT to your personal situation, so mention this little post to Jenny next time. Okay.

[Qdrop]

okay, you people ripping on daycare are talking out of your ass.

daycare makes the kids think "mommy is a stranger"? WTF?


were are you getting this shit from?
show me any credible evidence that a child in daycare will end up worse off than one who stays at home?
show me any credible evidence that they won't be close to thier parents...




and yeah, i spent most of my young life in daycare (from age 3-8) and went to a summertime youth center thingy on school days off and ever summer until i as 12.

all jokes aside, i turned out fine...and am extremely close to my mother.
going to daycare and summer programs allowed me to interact with tons of kids from a very early age...tons of field trips and projects.
it was the opposite of being sheltered by mommy in our safe little house every day.

as long as you can find a reputable place with good workers, there is nothing wrong with daycare.

[mickill]

She'd be working 2 days one week, three days the next, Brabs. Still 8 hour days, with about an hour traveling time on top. But yeah, Jenny's mom (who incidentally does do childcare work) can't or won't for whatever reason, even though we offered to pay her the same as what she gets now. And my mom isn't physically able, so I understand. But my dad's retired. He still manages to keep himself busy, though. I don't know.

One of my wife's closest friends works at the same place (she actually told her about the opening way back when). She and her husabnd have two kids, a boy and a girl. The girl is four and the boy is two. Their house is completely paid off and they just went and bought another one. Both parents are rarely home at the same time, and the kids are left in daycare throughout the week. The dad also had a side job fixing up cars on weekends. So they do okay financially.

I mean, I'm sure they're trying to provide a certain lifestyle for their children. And I'm not saying she shouldn't be working. But she talks about how she wishes she could stay home and raise the kids herself. At the same time, it's her choice to work. But seriously, when one of your kids tell you that they love their little brother more than they love you, and when you ask why that is, and she tells you it's because he's the only one that doesn't leave her, I think that's something to think about.

[Qdrop]

Uhh, my husband makes over 100K, and I'm planning to go back to work. Because I, uh, LIKE my career? And because I think it will actually be good for my daughter to see her mother as a strong, capable working woman?

yep.
role models come in many forms.

[ampm]

Uhh, my husband makes over 100K, and I'm planning to go back to work. Because I, uh, LIKE my career? And because I think it will actually be good for my daughter to see her mother as a strong, capable working woman?

C.R.E.A.M.

[Nuzzolese]

I'm continually amazed at posts on this board.

And I know it's important to think about the kid and her health and happiness. But you have to think about the mother too. I mean, if Jenny's the type of person who would be miserable being a housewife, then she wouldn't be a very good presence and role model in the home, would she? Of course Jenny says she wishes she could, so I guess that's your answer. Shit, I don't know. I wish I could help.

[CrankItUp!]

Mickill - I hope you win the Lotto Jackpot very soon my man. (y)

[mickill]

I agree with Dandy Fop. I think it would be good for Ava to be able to interact with other kids and get used to new people and new environments. And it would be good for Jenny to get out of the house regularly and interact with adults and be mentally challenged. But if it's only part time then they still get to spend a lot of time together.Good luck. No matter what you choose, you're both good parents and Ava is going to grow up to be an amazing person.

Both of my parents worked because they had to, to afford food and clothes and bills that we kids needed. No relatives lived around us to help. Luckily for my parents, they found a lady who lived in our neighborhood and worked from her home as a daycare. She was great and I have fond memories of being there, and the friends I made there. And my personal anecdotes mean a LOT to your personal situation, so mention this little post to Jenny next time. Okay.

They do mean a lot.

But Jenny does socialize Ava considerably. They go to story time together at the library, she has friends in a "baby group" where the 6 other babies of the same age and Ava get to kick it for a couple hours and do fun activities like go to the movies and the mall, she and the young mother next door with the 1 and 1/2 yr old boy go on long walks together, she plans to sign her up for water babies at the local pool etc. I mean, it's really what everybody wants. Jenny loves it. She has little desire to return to work. The question is whether it's possible, really.

[Qdrop]

But seriously, when one of your kids tell you that they love their little brother more than they love you, and when you ask why that is, and she tells you it's because he's the only one that doesn't leave her, I think that's something to think about.

i dunno man...i'm assuming that isn't just an anecdote and you are quoting that from someone you know...
but don't let shit like that effect your decision.

kids say alot of shit for alot of differant reasons...
and most kids just don't have this problem.

[ms.peachy]

As Nuzz said mick, you guys will work it out and it's gon' be what it's gon' be, you know? I can totally see why your wife is ambivalent about the decision. On the one hand, I think most new mothers do think to themselves that they really want to stay at home and have every available idyllic moment with their child. However, it's terrifying for those of us who are used to being independent, who have worked to establish ourselves professionally, who consider ourselves witty, educated, sophisticated blah blah blah people, to think that we might lose ourselves in a world of mashed banana and Teletubbies.

[Qdrop]

i guess i just don't understand the one aspect of the argument that people make when they say they WANT to stay home and raise the kid themselves...
i understand loving your child more than anything and just wanting to be near them all the time...
but sometimes parents come as if they want COMPLETE CONTROL OVER MOLDING THIER CHILD. like, they feel that a daycare would hinder their ability to raise the child exactly how they wish and hinder them from shielding the child from everything.
that seems like a kind of tyranical...and paranoid way to raise a child.

[kll]

mickill, you forgot to mention that you will have to sell the house,the car, your clothes and most shoes if she doesn't go back to work... therefore, you will be living in a hole... make sure the masses understand this and that times won't just be tough, but tough...

[ms.peachy]

C.R.E.A.M.
Just so we're clear, before you start deciding that you're in a position to make judgements about me, and my life, and my family, and my choices, can I just ask, who the fuck are you?

[DandyFop]

I would also consider the fact that financial hardships create a lot of stress in a relationship, and the extra money she would be bringing in could perhaps alleviate it just a bit. Maybe she could try it out for a month and if it's not working, then quit? I mean, she probably doesn't want to do that to the employer, but it might be worth a try to see if it feels alright...

[ericlee]

is she going to be able to handle not working? Your wife will be occupied by raising your daughter but if she's not working then maybe she might grow a sense in lacking accomplishment.

While being overseas and my wife with me, of course, my daughter couldn't be over there with me but, my wife couldn't work for two reasons. One, was the visa situation. She had a family visa rather than a work visa and two, if she did get a work visa and started working then her employers would keep her passport and we didn't like that idea because if we had an emergency then she wouldn't be able to go anywhere.

Needless to say, first off she liked the idea of relaxing and not having to work but it only took her 3 months till she started just going plain crazy because she wasn't working.

It might have been a different story if my daughter was able to go there and my wife could have raised her but, seriously, I still think she wouldn't like the idea that she isn't working even if she was raising my daughter while I worked.

[mickill]

For the record, I'm not knocking daycare. I'm just saying that we haven't found anyone we think is suitable, at all. We had been considering it from the beginning. We kinda assumed it was inevitable that Ava would be left in daycare since nobody else was available. But I don't know now, we're just considering other options. Some of which seem a bit extreme, especially since we'd likely have to change a lot of things in our lives to make it possible, as kll mentioned.

[Nuzzolese]

I don't gather that, Qdrop, I always got the impression it was about bonding and accountability.

I understand how a parent would be torn. And it's a reason I never want to have kids.

You want to be tight with your kids, feel like a close family and like you understand who your kids are and get to be there to watch them grow into who they're going to be.

Then again you want to provide for them, give them things you want them to enjoy and experience, like vacations and dance lessons and little league and good schools, the best medical care....it all costs money.


Ha! I remember being about 10 or 11 and sort of half-jokingly saying I wished our dad had been the kind of dad who worked all the time and ignored us and then made up for absence with extravagant gifts, like a pony. Because he was always taking us places and doing stuff with us, sometimes forcing us to.

I didn't know what I was talking about. I never appreciated them until I was 18.

[Qdrop]

mickill, you forgot to mention that you will have to sell the house,the car, your clothes and most shoes if she doesn't go back to work... therefore, you will be living in a hole... make sure the masses understand this and that times won't just be tough, but tough...


I would also consider the fact that financial hardships create a lot of stress in a relationship, and the extra money she would be bringing in could perhaps alleviate it just a bit.

the #1 cause for marital problems and divorce is $$, and the lack of.

to be honest, mike...i just don't see where the debate is.
the $$ issues and lifestyle changes you will have to make will cause such a stress on your marriage and the life you can provide for ava.
i just don't see how Jenny staying at home to raise her will offset that...
but i know next to nothing about your lifestyle of your family life.

[beastiegirrl101]

My dad worked nights and my mom worked days so my brothers and I were never without a parent...but they did have us involved in pretty much everthing going on in the neighborhood. i.e day camps, dance, sports, jazzercise...our schedule was more packed then theirs. So even though they were "home" we weren't.

[Qdrop]

I don't gather that, Qdrop, I always got the impression it was about bonding and accountability.



yeah i know.
it's just the impression that i get from some people when i hear them talk about this.

[DandyFop]

For the record, I'm not knocking daycare. I'm just saying that we haven't found anyone we think is suitable, at all. We had been considering it from the beginning. We kinda assumed it was inevitable that Ava would be left in daycare since nobody else was available. But I don't know now, we're just considering other options. Some of which seem a bit extreme, especially since we'd likely have to change a lot of things in our lives to make it possible, as kll mentioned.

That is a problem, obviously you have to be 100% sure about the day-care thing...I'm mad at Jenny's mom :mad:

[Qdrop]

and for the record...i fuckin loved daycare and my youth group...
some of my best memories are from there....so many friends, so much fun, so much learned, so many field trips. i still have dreams about those years.

i still remember when my mom first brought me there, that first day...i cried for about 10 minutes. then got lost in a sea of friends and toys....and never wanted to leave.

[Bob]

i was in day care as a kid, then i was a latchkey kid after that. for some reason i'm still pretty socially underdeveloped though, i haven't quite figured that one out. i don't think it had anything to do with my parents not being around though, i was a pretty sociable kid when i was in daycare.

where was i? oh yeah, daycare, it's not so bad, assuming you find a place that isn't run by vampires.

funny story, when i was in daycare at a very young age, i apparently bit someone. i don't remember it, and i don't remember why, maybe i saw one of the staff doing it.

looking back, this post is absolutely worthless to anyone, sorry. i just wanted to tell the biting story

[ms.peachy]

...I'm mad at Jenny's mom :mad:
I don't know that that's entirely fair to the woman. I mean obviously it would be a great situation IF she wanted to do the childcare. But you know what, the woman is grown, has raised her children and isn't obliged to raise any more if it is not what she wants to do with her time.

[hpdrifter]

I spent most of my childhood in daycare. My mom was raising us by herself and didn't have much of a choice. I have some fond memories of it and some not so fond. Mostly the not so fond ones were of being very bored. It wasn't like anything bad ever happened to me at daycare, its just sometimes I didn't want to sit and watch TV. And I think daycares can sometimes be germ factories, I got sick a lot.

But the fun times were really fun. We played in the playground, there were lots of kids, most of whom went to my school. There were lots of toys and crayons and stuff. It was not unlike kindergarten, only after school.

Of course, since I don't know any differently, its hard for me to say which is better.

[Nuzzolese]

But yeah, Jenny's mom (who incidentally does do childcare work) can't or won't for whatever reason, even though we offered to pay her the same as what she gets now.


Does she actually care for other children? Is she worried she'll favor her granddaughter over the others or something?

[mickill]

I would also consider the fact that financial hardships create a lot of stress in a relationship, and the extra money she would be bringing in could perhaps alleviate it just a bit. Maybe she could try it out for a month and if it's not working, then quit? I mean, she probably doesn't want to do that to the employer, but it might be worth a try to see if it feels alright...

If she goes back, even if it's just for a couple of weeks, she kinda forfeits her severance package.

Jenny's mom is a nanny. She watches two bratty children she dislikes 5 days a week. She is in love with Ava. We were willing to pay her the same wage. I don't know her reasons, but she refused. I don't particularly care since I don't really like the woman to begin with. And she pronounces 'onion' funny.

[marsdaddy]

I don't want to stay home and neither does mrs. marsdaddy. It doesn't mean we love our kids any less.

[kll]

all i know is that the neighbors dumped all their kids at my house growing up and my mom got stuck watching anyone and everyone and never got paid for it...

[cosmo105]

i was lucky. my mom went back to work and looked in the phone book for a babysitter service...the first person she lassoed decided she didn't want to be a babysitter after all, about FOUR DAYS before my mom had to go back...she called all over the place until she finally found a sweet woman not too far from us that had been taking care of kids in her home for years, and had several of our own. her name was maria. i went there until i was four, and so did my little sister. she taught me spanish and made me spaghettios. she raised me exactly the way my parents did, and i still see her every few years and plan on inviting her to my wedding.

long story short, maybe ask around and see if your friends or family have any good babysitters like that. she was a godsend for us.

[cookiepuss]

I'm sorry i haven't had time to read everyone's responses, so sorry if this has been mentioned....If her job is only part-time, is there anyway she can telecommute? the nature of her job just may not allow for that, but if it might she could present that idea to her management. Either that or find some sort of job she can do from home.

I think it's better when one parent can stay home, I've seen a real difference in the development of my nephews that had a stay-at-home parent as opposed to my nephews that didn't. the kids with the stay at home mom are over all better adjusted and secure than the ones with out. then again my mom was home with me and I still turned out insecure and neorotic. heehee.

[CrankItUp!]

I know that I'm not the only one who hates hearing "horror story" Child Day Care stories and them being so damn expensive to boot.

[Kid Presentable]

My wife and about 15 other people at her work were laid off from their jobs a few months ago. She wasn't scheduled to return from her maternity leave until May, anyway. But she isn't eligible for unemployment assisitance since she hadn't been working the past year. So that leaves us with a single income at the end of April. She'd only intended on returning to work part-time, but it was still money we were counting on and had included in our budget.

At first, this really seemed like the end of the world for us. If we didn't have the baby, we could just do whatever. But it's not so simple anymore. Jenny was paid very well for doing something she actually enjoyed. So, you could say there was a lot of worrying and stressing going on between us over the last few months.

One day I decided I wasn't going to let it get to me anymore, though. So I seriously stopped letting it piss me off and worry me like that. We'd been looking for a good daycare for Ava a few months earlier and had zero luck. Neither of our families are able to help out in that regard either. So I told Jenny that maybe it was for the best. She'd been dreaming about staying home to raise Ava herself, anyhow. So we started giving that idea a lot of consideration, much to the dismay/disapproval/disappointment/disgust of those closest to us.

Recently, the wife found out that she can go back to work on a part-time basis, just as we'd hoped. But, I guess after anticipating the worst, we started looking on the bright side a bit too much and actually started to believe what we'd been telling ourselves and one another to get through all of this.

So now we're not so sure if she should go back. I've told Jenny that it's up to her, more or less, but that I'd prefer if she did stay home with the Ava. We'd be getting in way over our heads financially, but I can't put the house, cars and whatever else we stand to lose before the care and development of my daughter's brain, I guess. And I think Jenny feels the same way. Our families and a few of our friends, particularly people the wife works with, think we're kinda idiots for the most part. Maybe we are. Because there's no way we're going to get by on my income alone without some other great ideas to back this one.

On the other hand, we don't want Ava living in a complete hole in the ground. So we need to weigh out the pros and cons here, I guess. We're strongly considering it. She need to let her boss know within the next week. Farkin chit man.


I'm all for the mother staying at home, consequences be damned. It's admirable that you guys are thinking this way in this day and age, and so says me missus and the cat as well.

If the option exists for your s/o to return to work now, will it exist in another, more general form down the line? If so, then go for it until you can't do it no more.

Probably been said in all the other posts, but oh well. Good Luck.(y)

[Documad]

there is no right answer, just the best that you can do.
I have a personal story for every side of this issue. Examples:

I have a close male friend whose wife made more money but stayed home with the kids and was belittled by friends and family. They live in a tiny house (even though they grew up fairly wealthy), he is the only attorney I know who takes a bus to work, etc. They have awesome kids and they're both very close to their kids. (his wife eventually got a part time nighttime job way below her training/experience just so she could get away sometimes)

I have a close female friend who works lots of hours and her husband travels a lot and their kids are in daycare and she would love to stay home but can't if the kids are going to live in a moderately-safe neighborhood. They have awesome kids and they're both very close to their kids.

I have female friends who work because they want to -- they can afford to stay home but they want to work and they feel some guilt about it.

My mom stayed home with me until I was in the 4th grade and she went a little mental because of no adult stimulation, and I was painfully shy and never interacted well with other kids. I suspect it was genetic. :p

Do the best that you can do, and whatever you decide, don't beat yourself up about it and don't let people who made different choices make you feel bad. There are so many horseshit parents out there. The fact that you two are giving any thought to what's best for Ava automatically puts you in the top 5% of parents. The main thing is that there are two of you doing your best. Yay for both of you.

Whateve you do, Ava will use it against you when she's a teenager. That's what teenage girls do.

[fucktopgirl]

I do believe that a mother (father)should stay with the kid for the first year or two or more if possible.THey(kids) did not come in this world to be dump in a stranger arm.You need to be there for your kid to give the best thta you got,to give your love,warmth and comfort.

I do not understand women who have kids and get back to work as soon as they can and pay people to take care of their child;if their husband make enough money,what is the rush?If a women raise a kid alone and need money,it is a different story,i supppose!

Anyway,i guess it is a personnal choice,i personnally choose to stay with Alix and she had plenty of sociallisation,i was the one who babyseat friends kids some time.It is so fun to be mother,women should let themselves be one and not stress.When kid are young they are so vulnerable and we(the parents)are the only one who can procure the good nurturing love they needed to be strong in this world.

People values are mess up.What is more important $$ or kid!?

[mz crafty]

if it was me, i'd love to stay at home with my kid while they're still at that young age when they're very dependent on the mother. i know it won't be easy, i've seen what's happened to some of my friends when they've stayed at home with their kids and i feel for them a lot of the time cos it really isn't easy.

to give up my life and my freedom to be at the beck and call of a screaming child 24/7 isn't my idea of fun. i've seen how demanding kids can be, but i think the demanding ones are the more intelligent ones.

when my friend had her kid, stacy, she stayed at home to look after her. now you think that a child whose mother is with her 24/7 wouldn't need any more attention than she already gets (she only has the one child so the child didn't have to compete with another sibling for attention). intelligent kids are inquisitive, as soon as they understand how one thing works they want to learn more and if they don't get the stimuli that they need then they won't be able to tell you that verbally cos the can't talk yet but they'll be naughty to get your attention. kids pick up everything from the people around them and the things they see and hear. i think if a child has their mother looking after them, then the kid would benefit more because the mother would invest more attention on the child and would be able to teach the child more things. whereas if the mother worked all the time and the child would be in care then that child may be hindered slightly in their learning skills.

saying that, i wouldn't choose to be a full time mother and just be a full time mother for the rest of my life. i don't consider it as retirement but more as a career break. the money situation would be difficult for a few years, but when the child gets to school age then i'd like to go back to work.

[mz crafty]

i wasn't trying to say that kids in care wouldn't be intelligent, i'm saying that the kids with a parent at home with them would learn quicker. saying that, the quicker they learn the trickier they will be :D

your wife takes ava out to socialize with other kids anyway so it's not like ava is gonna lack social skills.

[Documad]

By the way, if you put a kid in daycare, I think it's better to be in a professional place, where there are a fairly large number of kids and employees, with parents coming and going during the day. That's much better than an in-home daycare. I don't want to bring up bad stuff, but if something ever happened, the professional places have employees who are unlikely to hide it. A woman doing daycare in her home can have friends and family who aren't really working there but who spend time around the kids. My prosecutor friends all have their kids in professional, chain store daycares.

I also think that it can be a mistake to have a grandparent as the full-time daycare provider. Depends upon the grandparent of course. Seems to me that many grandparents want to do a good job, but they're too old to handle the stress of little kids for 10 hours per day. It's a tough, tough job.

And while I'm at it, never let stepkids, foster kids, kids with any sort of family problem, or teenage boys of any kind near your kids.

[ms.peachy]

People values are mess up.What is more important $$ or kid!?
Boy, they sure are. I mean, there are people who knowingly let their kids drive around with drug users under the influence! I mean, what's more important, your child's safety, or your boyfriend's dimebag!?

[Kid Presentable]

Boy, they sure are. I mean, there are people who knowingly let their kids drive around with drug users under the influence! I mean, what's more important, your child's safety, or your boyfriend's dimebag!?
You've both fucked up, because neither of you wants your values in this regard judged, yet you're happy to judge others.

[Knuckles]

My wife and I decided to just be poor for the first five years of Zach's (our little boy) life and just live off my income. Money just isn't as important as raising our son the way we want to.

[Kid Presentable]

My wife and I decided to just be poor for the first five years of Zach's (our little boy) life and just live off my income. Money just isn't as important as raising our son the way we want to.
Sounds good. We're probably looking to do something similar. But you agree, to each their own, right?

[Knuckles]

. But you agree, to each their own, right?
different strokes for different folks (y)

[Kid Presentable]

different strokes for different folks (y)
It's only that I've seen the career driven parents lose focus and suffer marriage breakdowns a number of times. I guess that influenced my way of thinking, but had I seen it as a success, then I'd think differently. All I could go on would be some kind of precedent.

[ms.peachy]

You've both fucked up, because neither of you wants your values in this regard judged, yet you're happy to judge others.
My point was, people in glass houses etc etc. Sorry you missed it.

[Kid Presentable]

My point was, people in glass houses etc etc. Sorry you missed it.
You judged her, man. And she judged you. Neither of you can prove a better standpoint. That was my point.

[ms.peachy]

You judged her, man. And she judged you. Neither of you can prove a better standpoint. That was my point.
Fair enough. But I'm not really interested in having the 'better' standpoint. I just thought ftp's statement was pretty freakin' ironic, considering, is all.

[Kid Presentable]

Fair enough. But I'm not really interested in having the 'better' standpoint. I just thought ftp's statement was pretty freakin' ironic, considering, is all.

Then it's agreed: the baby must hurry up!:D

[fucktopgirl]

Boy, they sure are. I mean, there are people who knowingly let their kids drive around with drug users under the influence! I mean, what's more important, your child's safety, or your boyfriend's dimebag!?

hhaha,fuck did i know you where to shit on me !ANyway,you just have misconception on me/bf and well thta is mainly your problem.I dunno what statement you think was pretty ironic,this one,my view on how parents should take care of their kid?

Or the one time we discuss the use of pot?

ANyway for Kid P,i dont judge Peachy,i just dont give a shit,well enought to answer her attack.She is a killer ,a bulldozer that pass on people when they are not in accord with her own beliefs.

I never judge you Peachy but i am starting to think that you are pretty stuckup!

Sorry mickill to fucked up your thread:D hopefully you will find the proper solution for you both!

[ericlee]

I don't want to stay home and neither does mrs. marsdaddy. It doesn't mean we love our kids any less.

That's what I was getting at. Home should be a relaxing place and something to look forward to coming to but, if your there everyday then you start dreading it.

[ampm]

My wife and I decided to just be poor for the first five years of Zach's (our little boy) life and just live off my income. Money just isn't as important as raising our son the way we want to.


Kudos to you. If both parents have to work so the family can eat then put the child in daycare. Nothing wrong with that, its better than living off the government.

But if you can make it on one income, then I don't think sacrificing a few years of your career (until your child enters school) is a lot to ask.

[Nuzzolese]

I'm sorry people are so harshly criticizing you and your wife. I mean it's your family and your decision. You two love your kid and you're capable, and unless you ask for their advice, its no one else's business. New mothers get a lot of shit for anything they do or don't do. I'm sorry you and Jenny have to put up with that. You could just tell them that Ava was born with "the mark" and she's the chosen one, so your primary interest until she's old enough to fulfill the prophecy, is to avoid the evil that is attempting to banish her to the outer realms through a complicated electrical storm ritual. Say you've left her in the care of 3 good fairies who will raise her in the forest as a peasant until her 16th birthday. All people really want is a good story, then they don't care about child welfare. Disney knows that. That explains the success of such appalling musical displays of heinous guardianship as The Parent Trap, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella...

[mickill]

I actually did tell my parents that she had the mark once, so that Jenny and I could go to the movies. But my folks asked to see it and I was like, "Yeah ok, hold on a sec. Ava just needs to be changed first". But Jenny ended up walking in on me drawing all over Ava's back with a blue sharpie and sucker punched me in the spine before I had a chance to explain.

[voltanapricot]

I was born to busy publican parents and literally weeks after I was born my parents had to return to work whilst my mum kept to part-time work. It was handy that we lived in the pub, becuase my parents always made sure that either one of them had several hours to feed me, read and to take me out of the flat. We had family living nearby so it was always good to have them on hand and nursery care of course benefitted me socially.

We then moved here away from any family to take care of me. That was hard because my mum had to majorly cut down her hours (like Jenny, maybe) then had another baby. I rarely saw my dad when I was young. It's kind of sad, but I don't resent him for it, it's not like he voluntarily chose his career over family, he worked 18/7 because he had to as my mum had to sacrifce those fewer hours she had to do.

cosmo mentioned finding a babysitter, we found a nice lady to look after us for several hours of the odd day, hopefully you could find someone you're friendly with?

It's great how well you're considering Ava's mental and social development but being apart from momma Jenny for a short while could be good for her, I personally feel.

I hope you'll be okay.

[Kid Presentable]

I was born to busy publican parents and literally weeks after I was born my parents had to return to work whilst my mum kept to part-time work. It was handy that we lived in the pub, becuase my parents always made sure that either one of them had several hours to feed me, read and to take me out of the flat. We had family living nearby so it was always good to have them on hand and nursery care of course benefitted me socially.

We then moved here away from any family to take care of me. That was hard because my mum had to majorly cut down her hours (like Jenny, maybe) then had another baby. I rarely saw my dad when I was young. It's kind of sad, but I don't resent him for it, it's not like he voluntarily chose his career over family, he worked 18/7 because he had to as my mum had to sacrifce those fewer hours she had to do.

cosmo mentioned finding a babysitter, we found a nice lady to look after us for several hours of the odd day, hopefully you could find someone you're friendly with?

It's great how well you're considering Ava's mental and social development but being apart from momma Jenny for a short while could be good for her, I personally feel.

I hope you'll be okay.


Not to be silly, but I was born to busy publican parents too, although me mam went through a career change when I was about 2. All I remember is having fuck all to do with my parents. It sort of mythologised work for me, and thusly resulted in much disappointment when I started a working life.

But yeah, even so, my dad or mum would find some time to kick it with me, no matter how short.

Some old lady used to look after me, and she was nice, I think. But she wasn't a parent.

[DIGI]

Bummer, dude. I'd suggest having Jenny stay at home and just sacrifice what you have to cuz this is the most umportant time in Ava's development. I would rather see you scrimp for a little while until she becomes a little independent, rather than in the care of some old bitch named Glenda that has 4 teeth and beef gravy stains on her shirt while y'all be collectin cheddah.

[kll]

mickill, just be the stay-at-home dad... i'd be much happier with that instead of you getting a second, third and fourth job... thank you.

[mickill]

I'm open to the idea of staying home, but I don't think I'd do quite as good of a job as Jenny does. It's not because I don't want to or don't try to, but because Jenny benefits from inherent maternal instincts that I simply lack. I'm really good at figuring out new and unheard of ways to make Ava stop crying, distract her during difficult diaper changes, napping her etc. But Jenny really seems to know what she needs and teaches her things that amaze me. She's an excellent mother. I like to think that I'm a very good dad, and we love Ava equally, but I'm not in the same league.

By the way, if you put a kid in daycare, I think it's better to be in a professional place, where there are a fairly large number of kids and employees, with parents coming and going during the day. That's much better than an in-home daycare. I don't want to bring up bad stuff, but if something ever happened, the professional places have employees who are unlikely to hide it. A woman doing daycare in her home can have friends and family who aren't really working there but who spend time around the kids. My prosecutor friends all have their kids in professional, chain store daycares.

I also think that it can be a mistake to have a grandparent as the full-time daycare provider. Depends upon the grandparent of course. Seems to me that many grandparents want to do a good job, but they're too old to handle the stress of little kids for 10 hours per day. It's a tough, tough job.

Our parents are in their early to mid 50's, so they aren't exactly senile or anything. Regardless, they're not available to watch Ava. Not on a regular basis of any sort. I'm not bitter, really. Well, sometimes it kinda bothers me. The fact that they did harass us a lot about having kids sooner doesn't help, though. And that they claimed that they would be willing to watch her when Jenny returned to work, which seems to have slipped everybody's minds all of a sudden. Everybody seemed so excited about the idea of us having a baby, but it's not often that anyone offers to help us with the actual process of raising her. I'm not saying it's their problem, but it'd be nice to have one of our siblings, for example, offer to help out once in awhile. And I'm not saying that I'd even want one of our siblings watching after Ava, but still, a gesture...I mean, come on. Okay, yeah, I'm bitter.

There's only two "professional" daycare centers anywhere near where we live/work. One's located in a building that's practically directly beneath power lines and the other has three doberman's on duty with a chain link fence and barbed wire surrounding it. So we're thinking, hmmm....constant exposure to electromagnetic radiation or baby prison? Tough choice.

So on one hand, we have people like Clo and cosmo who are products of both parents working/childcare. And they turned out fine. But then, we have Qdrop and Kid P, who had the same kind of uprbringing as them. And look how they turned out!

[ms.peachy]

You know what mike, mr.p and I just got back from our all-day pre-natal class, and I think we need to reconsider everything. This whole having a baby business, it's waaaaay too complicated.

[Qdrop]

But then, we have Qdrop and Kid P, who had the same kind of uprbringing as them. And look how they turned out!

how DARE you!

don't make me list out why i am so awesome!
i will!

[kll]

how DARE you!

don't make me list out why i am so awesome!
i will!


i wanna see this supposed list...

[Kid Presentable]

Sheeeiiiit, mickill. Q turned out fine.

[mickill]

You know what mike, mr.p and I just got back from our all-day pre-natal class, and I think we need to reconsider everything. This whole having a baby business, it's waaaaay too complicated.
Our pre-natal classes were part scary, part boring, part cornball and a tiny tiny part fun. Basically it prepared us for all sorts of really scary crap that never happened. And yes, between the horror stories and the conflicted information you get everywhere you go, preparing to have a baby begins to feel like you're trying to build a rocket to fly to the moon with out of balloons, styrofoam cups and a lighter.

[monkey]

you and your wife should see if there's local college girls that can help out by being your "mother's helper" for a few weeks, then see if she can be trusted to stay with the child when your wife goes to work part time. maybe there's someone who's studying education that can do it. especially education students, they are veryexcited to be babysitting and they can help you teach her a few developmental things.

now.. wife working part time isnt that bad for the baby. it teaches her independence. they need to learn not to be attached at the hip to mommy or daddy. like i am. and now i am a pain in those hips.

ummm. so my opinion? she should work a little bit. i mean, she's still gonna spend a lot of time with the child. part time DOES mean less that 30 hrs a week, right? it'll be ok.

[mickill]

you and your wife should see if there's local college girls that can help
I love it! That's been the best suggestion yet.

Okay, I'm gonna read the rest of your post now.

[enree erzweglle]

Some couples work because it's hard to quit a job & have a 6- or 7-year gap in your employment history. Even if you can explain that to a prospective new employer, depending on the line of work, it's probably going to be hard to jump right back in to the workforce again in the same capacity.

Not everyone who chooses to work full-time is doing it to live a luxurious life or to have stuff. Some are doing it because they have a longer term outlook--one beyond when their kid will start in school and they'll be faced with having to return to work or start a new career. Not always an easy thing to do, so they try to find a way to merge the two and minimize risk.

The only way I made it work (having a full-time job and a kid) was to not have a career. I had a job. It was and is flexible so that I could work a day completely around my son--be home when he was home and work OT when I chose to, and I could do that when he was sleeping. It worked for me, but I didn't/don't have a face-paced, high-paying glamorous kind of job. It was just what I wanted and needed. I would do it the same way over again.

[HEIRESS]

vancouver is way way way way way too fucking expensive

[Sarky Devotchka]

I just want to say that my mom worked and I was in daycare for awhile, but I still love her. sometimes daycare can be fun when you're little. I fucking hated it when I was reached about 6 years old though, so my mom just let me stay at home alone or go to my friends' houses. that seems weird...I was pretty young to be alone, but I was a responsible little angel back then.

actually, my mom was kind of spooked on babysitters because once she came home and I was screaming crying in my crib with a full diaper and the babysitter was passed out on the couch in front of the t.v. with a bag of chips. I had some other babysitters that told me about Freddy Krueger and sex and let me watch Bachelor Party. I thought it was cool at the time. but dude, that is awful. I was 7 years old!

but anyway, what Pauli said. just make sure she's not a creep.

[Qdrop]

i wanna see this supposed list...

that could take months.

[ms.peachy]

And yes, between the horror stories and the conflicted information you get everywhere you go, preparing to have a baby begins to feel like you're trying to build a rocket to fly to the moon with out of balloons, styrofoam cups and a lighter.
Pffft. That I can do; I'm a science teacher, damn it!

Well I mean, I could if I also had some baking soda and some litmus paper. Or a pipette and a frog dissection kit.

[ampm]

about 6 years old though, so my mom just let me stay at home alone or go to my friends' houses. that seems weird...I was pretty young to be alone, but I was a responsible little angel back then

Do they have Children & Youth in Riotville?

[mickill]

Yeah, Jenny would be giving up a very good job if she quit. The fact that she couldn't just come back in 4 or 5 years time and pick up where she left off is one of the main determing factors in our "inability to make a final decision" process. We should just toss a coin.

Heiress, true true true. It's just crazy all over the Lower Mainland. You need like 4 incomes to live good.

[voltanapricot]

Some old lady used to look after me, and she was nice, I think. But she wasn't a parent.
Sure, no carer could ever substitute a parent and I hadn't suggested anything like that if that's what you had thought.

[Bob]

Yeah, Jenny would be giving up a very good job if she quit. The fact that she couldn't just come back in 4 or 5 years time and pick up where she left off is one of the main determing factors in our "inability to make a final decision" process. We should just toss a coin.


i tossed a coin for you. it was tails.