Relationships and Love

[Nuzzolese]

Here's what I know.

Avoid seeking advice from any third party and discussing your relationship with others because only you and your partner really understand the situation. Outsiders have no investment in your relationship and even if they seem to, they don't really care if you two stay together. In fact most people like to fuel discontent in others because self righteous indignation is more entertaining to watch than stoic resolve.


Now what do you know?

[jabumbo]

never even heard of it

[TurdBerglar]

have so much sex that you don't give a shit anymore

[Nuzzolese]

have so much sex that you don't give a shit anymore

with lots of different people or just the one?

[ScarySquirrel]

Love... is a battlefield.

Seriously though, I don't know much... but I know I love you, and that may be all I need to know.

[TurdBerglar]

well depends


are you skank or non-skank?

[Nuzzolese]

well depends


are you skank or non-skank?

I think I have potential either way. I'm like those people who look good blonde or brunette, except that I look like shit and could sleep around or not sleep around.

we could fuck or not fuck forever, and still find people to not fuck with.

[Bob]

so what happened?

[b i o n i c]

i think the outside perspective is good, but be resistant to just taking the advice or believing the person outright. your friend might be good at telling you about yourself more than about the other person but it they'll more than likely want to talk about the other person and not you.

[TurdBerglar]

just suck his dick and play mind games, shit!

[Nuzzolese]

I also know this. It doesn't matter what you believe is true, or what you have resolved to do, inside your little brain. What matters is that your partner knows what's true, and what your partner feels about your behavior.

You can't hang out with exboyfriends and talk to guys you know wanted to ask you out. You can't keep guys on the backburner even if you know you'll never cheat. You are essentially making your partner feel like you are cheating, because your attentions are so scattered.

[Nuzzolese]

i think the outside perspective is good, but be resistant to just taking the advice or believing the person outright. your friend might be good at telling you about yourself more than about the other person but it they'll more than likely want to talk about the other person and not you.

There's no way they can get an accurate outiside perspective if all they know is your side of the story. Their advice might be different if they really knew everything they needed to know, in order to give advice. And they will never know everything they need to know.

[ms.peachy]

There's no way they can get an accurate outiside perspective if all they know is your side of the story. Their advice might be different if they really knew everything they needed to know, in order to give advice. And they will never know everything they need to know.
It depends, though. Sometimes, even though the person is only hearing 'your side', they can pick up on things about how you are phrasing 'your side' that are clues to your behaviour that you aren't able to realise you are doing. Or something. I know I'm not explaining this well. But hopefully you get the idea.

[Nuzzolese]

It depends, though. Sometimes, even though the person is only hearing 'your side', they can pick up on things about how you are phrasing 'your side' that are clues to your behaviour that you aren't able to realise you are doing. Or something. I know I'm not explaining this well. But hopefully you get the idea.

I stick by my words. It's usually a bad idea to go to your friends complaining about problems in the relationship...well, especially if those friends are single or in a bad relationship themselves.

[mickill]

Oh, it's like that?

[ms.peachy]

I stick by my words. It's usually a bad idea to go to your friends complaining about problems in the relationship...well, especially if those friends are single or in a bad relationship themselves.
Oh I can agree that friends are maybe not the best person to go to, but in your original post, you just said 'a third party'. A third party could be someone who does not know you or the other person particularly well, and is therefore more able to see the forest and not the trees, if you take my meaning.

[Nuzzolese]

Oh, it's like that?

I'm not talking about you, baby.

[Qdrop]

Here's what I know.

Avoid seeking advice from any third party and discussing your relationship with others because only you and your partner really understand the situation. Outsiders have no investment in your relationship and even if they seem to, they don't really care if you two stay together. In fact most people like to fuel discontent in others because self righteous indignation is more entertaining to watch than stoic resolve.



this is why i never talk about my relationship on this board.

you all don't know shit.
nor do you care.

[cosmo105]

Oh, it's like that?
and like this and like that and a.

[cosmo105]

oh and i know that feelings are fleeting and passing and it's really about a deep understanding and connection and being able to really talk to someone without fear of judgement and all that bullshit but most importantly tickle fights and making each other laugh so hysterically you belch.

[mickill]

I'm not talking about you, baby.
Oh, aight then.


and like this and like that and a.


That was a pretty niggardly post, man.

[enree erzweglle]

My experience: when most people go seeking advice about typical relationship problems, they already know the solutions to their problems and they're either looking for someone to agree with them (and use that as ammunition, maybe, against their partner) or they're looking to sort of just cry on someone's shoulder. Usually the latter.

[cosmo105]

My experience: when most people go seeking advice about typical relationship problems, they already know the solutions to their problems and they're either looking for someone to agree with them (and use that as ammunition, maybe, against their partner) or they're looking to sort of just cry on someone's shoulder. Usually the latter.
very, very true.

[Rock]

making each other laugh so hysterically you belch.
You know its love when you are laughing so hard you start coughing...the coughing is so hard that it turns to vomiting....and the other person cleans up the vomit still laughing about the thing that made the other person vomit. THAT is love. kinda sorta.

[ms.peachy]

I know that being married is very definitely different than living together in a way that can't be explained, and that people who have never been married often can't understand that, and that people who have been generally nod silently in agreement.

[cosmo105]

You know its love when you are laughing so hard you start coughing...the coughing is so hard that it turns to vomiting....and the other person cleans up the vomit still laughing about the thing that made the other person vomit. THAT is love. kinda sorta.
hahahaha. yeah. that's love. totally.

[Nuzzolese]

And when your partner has issues or problems, it's not fair to say that they are they're issues and problems. If you love the person, his problems are your problems. It just seems to become that way. People will often say things like - " she has low self esteem and she's insecure, that's just something she has to get over, it's not your problem." But I think if you love the person, then it is your problem in a way. You don't have to solve it but you have to deal with it and help manage it.

[Qdrop]

i know that you will likely lose the first big relationship/love you experiance...through simple growth and first-timer mistakes.

thems just the breaks, kids.

but you'll be better for it.



i know that deep down, you both always know if what you are doing/saying is right or not....but sometimes we refuse to follow our gut.
that never works.

[Nuzzolese]

i know that you will likely lose the first big relationship/love you experiance...through simple growth and first-timer mistakes.


If that's true then I'm going to get screwed for the second time.

[Qdrop]

i know that the couples that always claim to be superduper awesome....are the ones with the most to hide.

[cosmo105]

^mm. yeah, that's true. steger and i have a pretty happy and great relationship, but i don't feel the need to go saying that. i think people can sorta see that. it is nice, though, when all my best friends are bitching about how much their boyfriends suck and are clingy jealous assholes, and they look at me and i'm smiling. and they all go fuck you jessica, why can't our boyfriends be like yours? suckers.

[Qdrop]

If that's true then I'm going to get screwed for the second time.
that don't make no sense, woman.


oh wait...you mean each of your last boyfs (the last one and this one) claim you are the first that they have loved?

hmmm....toughie...

[Qdrop]

^mm. yeah, that's true. steger and i have a pretty happy and great relationship, but i don't feel the need to go saying that. i think people can sorta see that. it is nice, though, when all my best friends are bitching about how much their boyfriends suck and are clingy jealous assholes, and they look at me and i'm smiling. and they all go fuck you jessica, why can't our boyfriends be like yours? suckers.

^kinda thick with irony, wouldn't ya say?

[cosmo105]

yeah i see the irony. damnit what do you want me to say? no, my boyfriend sucks and he's a big jealous jerk and i'm totally not that into him.

[Qdrop]

yeah i see the irony. damnit what do you want me to say? no, my boyfriend sucks and he's a big jealous jerk and i'm totally not that into him.
see, now you'll last forever!

[cosmo105]

uh, no we won't!

[Qdrop]

uh, no we won't!
you learn fast.

grandchildren, here you come...

[venusvenus123]

Here's what I know.

Avoid seeking advice from any third party and discussing your relationship with others because only you and your partner really understand the situation. Outsiders have no investment in your relationship and even if they seem to, they don't really care if you two stay together. In fact most people like to fuel discontent in others because self righteous indignation is more entertaining to watch than stoic resolve.


Now what do you know?
i've always felt that. i hardly ever (in fact, almost never) ask my friends about my relationship issues... those are best dealt with by the people who know what's going on: me and my husband. i have a friend who i have talked to... but she doesn't like him very much and she has told me to leave him in the past. very helpful advice!

[Ace42X]

Here's what I know.
Avoid seeking advice from any third party and discussing your relationship with others because only you and your partner really understand the situation. Outsiders have no investment in your relationship and even if they seem to, they don't really care if you two stay together. In fact most people like to fuel discontent in others because self righteous indignation is more entertaining to watch than stoic resolve.


Sounds wrong to me. Maybe you only ask advice from imberciles? That seems likely, given the average intelligence of posters here. In my experience, outsiders who know one or both of you have the distance needed to form an unbiased opinion on the matter.

[DipDipDive]

I know that it's not really love until you trust each other completely, and if you're jealous, you're not trusting. The reasons for the lack of trust are irrelevant - if it doesn't exist, it's not going to last.

I also know that the understanding that people change is huge. You and your partner aren't going to be the same people a month, a year, or 20 years into the relationship as you were in the beginning, but allowing your relationship to evolve as a result of individual growth makes the bond you share stronger if you're not afraid to let it happen. That's what the good shit is made of.

[little j]

what i know is love becomes less about physical more about emotional/mental/spiritual as time goes on. even sex becomes less just "gimme that O" but more about how wonderful it makes you feel and how much you love him and trust him and stuff. :o

trust is paramount. trust with every part, love, finances, everything.

sometimes you just have to be apart from the person you cant live without (not taking a break, but definitely spend time apart, have your own friends, be able to be without him)

you have to compromise, but you dont have to give up yourself

be independent before you can be interdependent.

oh and always make time to cuddle.

[Qdrop]

I know that it's not really love until you trust each other completely, and if you're jealous, you're not trusting. The reasons for the lack of trust are irrelevant - if it doesn't exist, it's not going to last.


eh.
jealousy is natural. you can't make it go away.

there is actually a lot more reason to worry if someone is NOT jealous at all....that would tend to show a lack of interest in the relationship, NOT a stronger level of trust.

love is emotional...not cerebral.
jealousy is a natural emotional element of love. you want to protect your "investment".
trust is cerebral.

you need a balance, sure.
but you show me a couple with no jealousy...and i'll show you a couple on the verge of growing apart.

[Nuzzolese]

mickill told me this and I've found that it's true; there's no such thing as autopilot. You can't just reach a level of trust and love and commitment and then just coast. A relationship takes constant attention and concern. You have to keep your half level, with your focus on the horizon so you don't crash. And the other person has to keep his half level as well. If one of you nods off, the whole thing could go down. It may seem high maintenance compared to being alone. You can't just be yourself and sit back and soak up the love. You have to work at it, like tending a garden. I should just stick to one metaphor, sorry.

[Nuzzolese]

love is emotional...not cerebral.


Ehhh, I don't know. I think it's both. I don't think love is just a feeling or something you just fall into. I think it's also a conscious decision and a chosen lifestyle that you act out every day. I mean, the feelings of loving someone may be emotional only, but you need more than that to be in love in a way that will be meaningful to someone else. You need the cerebral aspect to have understanding and to take yourself and your ego out of the way so you can see the other person's needs.

I'm learning as I go though.

[Qdrop]

Ehhh, I don't know. I think it's both. I don't think love is just a feeling or something you just fall into. I think it's also a conscious decision and a chosen lifestyle that you act out every day. I mean, the feelings of loving someone may be emotional only, but you need more than that to be in love in a way that will be meaningful to someone else. You need the cerebral aspect to have understanding and to take yourself and your ego out of the way so you can see the other person's needs.


love is emotional.
we just add the cerebral stuff to rationalize it. and to MAINTAIN it.

you can't "think" your way into loving someone.
you can't "think" your way out, either.

[Nuzzolese]

Okay yes, the relationship maintenance is cerebral, the feelings of love, the reasons for the relationship are all heart. I have a hard time separating the two though. I think there have been times when I could have been, or was capable of loving someone but they didn't return my feelings or they otherwise weren't right for me and it became more of a decision, how to act on my feelings.

[Qdrop]

I think there have been times when I could have been, or was capable of loving someone but they didn't return my feelings or they otherwise weren't right for me and it became more of a decision, how to act on my feelings.

which is when love is the most painful- when you have to make cerebral decisions, that your emotions just can't align with.
the heart wants what the heart wants...even when the brain tells it otherwise.


life is hard and stuff.

[Nuzzolese]

I wonder why some people fall in love so easily and others don't. It's chemical firings in the brain. I wonder what else it corrollates to. You've seen those reports that say "study suggests insomniacs less likely to have long term relationships" and other things that pique the attention and fail to be conclusive.

[Qdrop]

I wonder why some people fall in love so easily and others don't. It's chemical firings in the brain. I wonder what else it corrollates to. You've seen those reports that say "study suggests insomniacs less likely to have long term relationships" and other things that pique the attention and fail to be conclusive.


yeah.....
i wonder too.








i'm such an intellectual.

[Nuzzolese]

OH YEAH RIGHT PRETEND TO BE DUMB CAUSE THE GUYS WILL LIKE YOU MORE. Don't lie, you do wonder that you BITCH.

[Qdrop]

OH YEAH RIGHT PRETEND TO BE DUMB CAUSE THE GUYS WILL LIKE YOU MORE. Don't lie, you do wonder that you BITCH.

*flexes*

who likes boobs?! i like boobs!

[cosmo105]

it's nice when your heart, head, and loins all agree, though.

[DipDipDive]

eh.
jealousy is natural. you can't make it go away.

there is actually a lot more reason to worry if someone is NOT jealous at all....that would tend to show a lack of interest in the relationship, NOT a stronger level of trust.

love is emotional...not cerebral.
jealousy is a natural emotional element of love. you want to protect your "investment".
trust is cerebral.

you need a balance, sure.
but you show me a couple with no jealousy...and i'll show you a couple on the verge of growing apart.

Ehhhhhhhh...

I think there's a subtle difference between being territorial and being jealous. Is it natural to not want anyone to be more important to your mate than you are? Yes. Is it natural to not want people to look at your mate sexually? Sure. But a person graduates from being territorial to being jealous when their insecurities get the better of them.

I agree that having no attention to your mate's interactions with other people more than likely means that you've lost interest and that your relationship isn't headed to a good place, but when you pay attention to the point of paranoia, it was probably doomed from the beginning.

My "Ehhhhhhhh" was lengthier, so that means I'm right. In your FACE.

[jennyb]

love is emotional.
we just add the cerebral stuff to rationalize it. and to MAINTAIN it.

you can't "think" your way into loving someone.
you can't "think" your way out, either.

Wow Qdrop! Yup... therein lies all sorts of problems.

[hpdrifter]

When I was with my fiance I thought I had figured it out, I was positive we'd be together our whole lives, that he was the perfect person for me, no question. But it turned out that wasn't true.

Now the only thing I know for sure about love is that I don't know anything for sure.

[Qdrop]

My "Ehhhhhhhh" was lengthier, so that means I'm right. In your FACE.

*flexes*

[paul jones]

Here's what I know.

Avoid seeking advice from any third party and discussing your relationship with others because only you and your partner really understand the situation. Outsiders have no investment in your relationship and even if they seem to, they don't really care if you two stay together. In fact most people like to fuel discontent in others because self righteous indignation is more entertaining to watch than stoic resolve.


Now what do you know?

That's 100% logical nuzz!

Yeah,why the fuck should you have to meet each other's parents?, or be nice to each other's friends when you think they smell of onions?

Peoples put so much unesscesary stress on themselves before they allow themselves to have fun cos' of the socialogical fear of what friends/family will think of who they wish to have an intimate relationship with.

I remember back in 97. I was in Sydney,Australia on a working visa and I'd met this girl and then on the second date she invites me around her place where she lived with her parents,but she said they would be out all night so I gets there and soon we're on the couch fumbling and were probably going to fuck then just as I'm taking her bra off her parents walk in,drunk. I had to spend the rest of the night watching The 3 tenors live on TV with her insane parents babbling on drunkenly and her dad standing up to go pee and his trousers fell down in the living room.I should have ran but ended up sleeping on the couch cos I couldn't be bothered to walk back to the house I was staying at.The parents would take turns in getting up every half hour to go pee and check I hadn't snuck into the girls room.

[Jmoney77]

never even heard of it
neither have i

[Sarky Devotchka]

I just have a little story about how the beastie board, jealousy, and the downfall of my last serious relationship are connected.

one time, my ex-boyfriend and I were going downtown early on a saturday to a teacher job fair. we were both sort of crabby and listening to The Who. I said, "hey, this is my friend's favorite Who song!" (the "friend" was afronaut), and my ex said, "you know what, I don't fucking care." and I started crying. ha ha.

also, I told him that my guy friend (from real life) said that I have "world class sass", and he was said something like, "I guess...you know, I don't think I like that guy." and I was like, "uhh". *silence*

then after we broke up one of his best friends asked me out who happens to be best friends with cort's new boyfriend, which is odd (didn't work out, but we're still friends). anyway, he told me that none of the guys were "allowed" to get to know me. the ex pretty much made it clear that I was his and no one elses. great.

anyway, I don't remember my point. I've had this window open for like a half hour doing other things. me and the ex are still friends. I still talk to him every now and again and he picks me up from polish night clubs when I'm stranded and tells me I'm beautiful and great and that he still loves me. I love him too, but we're not well suited. he's too emotional, I'm too insensitive. such is life.