i think i've been traumatized

[TurdBerglar]

so i was at work and i was taking a shit. and i hear this little kid come clompping into the rest room at full steam and slams into the door of my stall. i yell out that someone is using this stall. then this little frantic voice nervously cries out that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! i tell him to use the other stall. then he goes "BUT I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!, and tries to open the door. i tell him again that someone is in this stall. and he tell's me again that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! so now he starts to crawl under the door and im really starting to freak out now. im all like, "HEY HEY HEY HEY! SOMEONE IS IN HERE!". now he's fully in the stall with me! just looking at me, "CAN YOU HURWY UP! I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!". now i just start cussin at him, "WHAT THE FUCK KID! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! STUPID SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHAT THE FUCK!". this scares him and he starts fuckn' bawling. so no im sitting on a toilet in a stall with my pants around my ankles and my ass covered with shit and some snot nosed little bastard fuckn' crying at the top of his lungs! he tries to get out of the stall but can't figure out the crappy nob thing on the door. so now he's screaming and pounding on the door. his mother comes running in while im yelling at him to crawl fuck out like the way he did. so he starts crawling out and the mother is yelling at him to get off that disgusting floor and the kid is just standing there looking at me and crying. and im still yelling at him TO GET THE FUCK OUT. the mother hears me and she freaks out, "WHO IS IN THERE WITH YOU! MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH SOMEONE???". the kid finally crawls out under the stall. the mother is on the other side yelling at me for being in the stall with her son. and im trying to tell her that he little hell spawn crawled the fuck under my stall. the mother embarrassingly appologizes and just leaves with the screaming kid. now im just sitting there completely flabbergasted and i noticed that i was shaking pretty badly. i don't normally use a public restroom unless i need to for the very unlikely reasons of something like this happening. but i guess it was very likely today. i should shit before i go to work.

[cosmo105]

hahaahahahaha. oh my god.


this reminds me of once when i was at the gym and i was peeing and a little kid popped his head under the stall and smiled.


i kicked him in the face. :)

[TurdBerglar]

you should of pissed on him

[Tzar]

hahaahahahaha. oh my god.


this reminds me of once when i was at the gym and i was peeing and a little kid popped his head under the stall and smiled.


i kicked him in the face. :)
ahahahaha!!

and turd's story is just scary. it's for those type of reasons/situations why i dislike kids at that type of age. i never use public toilets to shit on so i doubt i'll ever face that situation.

[paul jones]

so i was at work and i was taking a shit. and i hear this little kid come clompping into the rest room at full steam and slams into the door of my stall. i yell out that someone is using this stall. then this little frantic voice nervously cries out that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! i tell him to use the other stall. then he goes "BUT I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!, and tries to open the door. i tell him again that someone is in this stall. and he tell's me again that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! so now he starts to crawl under the door and im really starting to freak out now. im all like, "HEY HEY HEY HEY! SOMEONE IS IN HERE!". now he's fully in the stall with me! just looking at me, "CAN YOU HURWY UP! I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!". now i just start cussin at him, "WHAT THE FUCK KID! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! STUPID SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHAT THE FUCK!". this scares him and he starts fuckn' bawling. so no im sitting on a toilet in a stall with my pants around my ankles and my ass covered with shit and some snot nosed little bastard fuckn' crying at the top of his lungs! he tries to get out of the stall but can't figure out the crappy nob thing on the door. so now he's screaming and pounding on the door. his mother comes running in while im yelling at him to crawl fuck out like the way he did. so he starts crawling out and the mother is yelling at him to get off that disgusting floor and the kid is just standing there looking at me and crying. and im still yelling at him TO GET THE FUCK OUT. the mother hears me and she freaks out, "WHO IS IN THERE WITH YOU! MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH SOMEONE???". the kid finally crawls out under the stall. the mother is on the other side yelling at me for being in the stall with her son. and im trying to tell her that he little hell spawn crawled the fuck under my stall. the mother embarrassingly appologizes and just leaves with the screaming kid. now im just sitting there completely flabbergasted and i noticed that i was shaking pretty badly. i don't normally use a public restroom unless i need to for the very unlikely reasons of something like this happening. but i guess it was very likely today. i should shit before i go to work.


hahaha it could ONLY happen to you!(y)

[Bob]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAAHAHA

[tracky]

lol

that's what you get for shitting in a public toilet i guess

i remember once i taking a piss at work and the boss's son has just walked in and stood there waiting for me to finish. i didnt yell at him or anything, i mean i was just taking a piss and he was very young. I said something to him like "hey you shouldn't walk in on people when they're in the dunny, mate" - not in any mad way, just in a dont-your-parents-teach-you-any-manners? way

[TurdBerglar]

it's not really all that of a public restroom. it's upstars in the employee's breakroom.

[Qdrop]

Barnone....one of the funniest things i have ever read.

i'm showing this to everyone.



Dane Cook would give his left nut for this kinda material...

[Sarky Devotchka]

oh man, that made me laugh so hard.

I probably would've started screaming OCCUPIED! OCCUPIED!

[Lindsey_1535]

wow.

[kaiser soze]

you should've scooped a little bit o' poop off your butt and tossed it in the kid's eyes..

and after, ask the mom for a blumpkin

[DapperDiverge]

that was the greatest visual i have ever read on the BBMB by far!!(y) :D

hey turd berglar, you know if that kid ever shit his pants?? that's what his mom gets for being an irresponsible bitch!!

[TurdBerglar]

i was thinking about if he eventually shitted himself

[CrankItUp!]

...wuz the kid's mother hot or not ??? :cool:

[TurdBerglar]

i never saw her. she was just some random frantic mysterious voice behind the stall

[CrankItUp!]

Turd - you have posted some very amusing stuff in the past - but "this very funny post!" impaticular is....THE MOST OUTRAGEOUSLY FUNNY FUCKIN' STORY I HAVE EVER READ!!! :D

[Jmoney77]

OMG-that is scary, i thought you were punk'ing us, im so sorry that happened

[Randetica]

lololozzz

that bad experience was sure worth it for having such an awesome life story to tell

would spice up your memoirs



thank god our public doors go down to the bottom
only the ants could watch our business

[mikizee]

what a horrific tale. id be shaking too afterwards. you could get arrested for being in a situation like that.

[na§tee]

lolz!
superb.
i can imagine a situation like that would make you physically shake. i find it very curious when your body reacts like that to something.
haha - you're there taking a dump, just totally blissing out and then this kid crashes in and totally fucks up your zen-zone!

note: maybe the kid was trying to burgle your turd?

[Loppfessor]

Dude you should totally sue that lady....I think you have been traumatized and it's going to take years of therapy to get over this. Someone has to pay for your anguish.

[enree erzweglle]

That is just so awful but I laughed hard.

i should shit before i go to work.
Yes. :)

[TurdBerglar]

Dude you should totally sue that lady....I think you have been traumatized and it's going to take years of therapy to get over this. Someone has to pay for your anguish.


nah

that's something toucanspam would do. imagine how fucked the kid is though...

[fucktopgirl]

nah

imagine how fucked the kid is though...

hehe,indeed!

[Tzar]

Dude you should totally sue that lady....I think you have been traumatized and it's going to take years of therapy to get over this. Someone has to pay for your anguish.
seeing as he lives in the U.S.; he'll probably win too.

[bigblu89]

GREATEST. POST. EVER.

CLOSE THE INTERNET. IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT.

[HotAndWet]

Oh God I would've probably just started punching the kid. I don't think you could be blamed for cursing at him or anything, I mean christ you told him several times you were using it. I hate kids.

[Funky Pepp]

Hihihi, I guess that's what you get if your
name's Turd :D That story made my day!

[fucktopgirl]

Oh God I would've probably just started punching the kid. I don't think you could be blamed for cursing at him or anything, I mean christ you told him several times you were using it. I hate kids.

are you attaint of stupidness?

[HotAndWet]

um, sure?

[TurdBerglar]

yeah!


are you????

[fucktopgirl]

um, sure?

i mean saying thta you would punch a kid,,,do you think that is cool to say that?

anyway nevermind!

[fucktopgirl]

yeah!


are you????


not stupidness but i got blond moment:D

[HotAndWet]

Can you please try making sense because I never understand anything you say. Also, yes I would gladly punch a kid.

[beastiegirrl101]

this is... hands down... my new favorite Turd story.

[Nuzzolese]

this is... hands down... my new favorite Turd story.

Ha!

That works on levels.

I love when things work on levels.

[beastiegirrl101]

Ha!

That works on levels.

I love when things work on levels.

;) I'm not as blonde as I act sometimes.

[Sarky Devotchka]

are you attaint of stupidness?

I'm still trying to figure out what this means.

[ericlee]

well, it's a good thing you weren't punching the clown when he walked in.

[abcdefz]

so i was at work and i was taking a shit. and i hear this little kid come clompping into the rest room at full steam and slams into the door of my stall. i yell out that someone is using this stall. then this little frantic voice nervously cries out that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! i tell him to use the other stall. then he goes "BUT I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!, and tries to open the door. i tell him again that someone is in this stall. and he tell's me again that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! so now he starts to crawl under the door and im really starting to freak out now. im all like, "HEY HEY HEY HEY! SOMEONE IS IN HERE!". now he's fully in the stall with me! just looking at me, "CAN YOU HURWY UP! I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!". now i just start cussin at him, "WHAT THE FUCK KID! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! STUPID SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHAT THE FUCK!". this scares him and he starts fuckn' bawling. so no im sitting on a toilet in a stall with my pants around my ankles and my ass covered with shit and some snot nosed little bastard fuckn' crying at the top of his lungs! he tries to get out of the stall but can't figure out the crappy nob thing on the door. so now he's screaming and pounding on the door. his mother comes running in while im yelling at him to crawl fuck out like the way he did. so he starts crawling out and the mother is yelling at him to get off that disgusting floor and the kid is just standing there looking at me and crying. and im still yelling at him TO GET THE FUCK OUT. the mother hears me and she freaks out, "WHO IS IN THERE WITH YOU! MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH SOMEONE???". the kid finally crawls out under the stall. the mother is on the other side yelling at me for being in the stall with her son. and im trying to tell her that he little hell spawn crawled the fuck under my stall. the mother embarrassingly appologizes and just leaves with the screaming kid. now im just sitting there completely flabbergasted and i noticed that i was shaking pretty badly. i don't normally use a public restroom unless i need to for the very unlikely reasons of something like this happening. but i guess it was very likely today. i should shit before i go to work.



This may well become my new sig.

The quintessential Turd anecdote. (y)

[ericlee]

I can understand how a kid doesn't understand the concept of public bathrooms if they're occupied. Why does it seem like almost all adults don't understand it?

Very simple, if you try to open the door and it appears to be locked then, there is someone in it. You can even look at the knob and it shows the status of it but still, there's always some dumbass trying to rip the door off the hinges while you're in there.

[kll]

so i was at work and i was taking a shit. and i hear this little kid come clompping into the rest room at full steam and slams into the door of my stall. i yell out that someone is using this stall. then this little frantic voice nervously cries out that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! i tell him to use the other stall. then he goes "BUT I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!, and tries to open the door. i tell him again that someone is in this stall. and he tell's me again that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! so now he starts to crawl under the door and im really starting to freak out now. im all like, "HEY HEY HEY HEY! SOMEONE IS IN HERE!". now he's fully in the stall with me! just looking at me, "CAN YOU HURWY UP! I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!". now i just start cussin at him, "WHAT THE FUCK KID! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! STUPID SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHAT THE FUCK!". this scares him and he starts fuckn' bawling. so no im sitting on a toilet in a stall with my pants around my ankles and my ass covered with shit and some snot nosed little bastard fuckn' crying at the top of his lungs! he tries to get out of the stall but can't figure out the crappy nob thing on the door. so now he's screaming and pounding on the door. his mother comes running in while im yelling at him to crawl fuck out like the way he did. so he starts crawling out and the mother is yelling at him to get off that disgusting floor and the kid is just standing there looking at me and crying. and im still yelling at him TO GET THE FUCK OUT. the mother hears me and she freaks out, "WHO IS IN THERE WITH YOU! MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH SOMEONE???". the kid finally crawls out under the stall. the mother is on the other side yelling at me for being in the stall with her son. and im trying to tell her that he little hell spawn crawled the fuck under my stall. the mother embarrassingly appologizes and just leaves with the screaming kid. now im just sitting there completely flabbergasted and i noticed that i was shaking pretty badly. i don't normally use a public restroom unless i need to for the very unlikely reasons of something like this happening. but i guess it was very likely today. i should shit before i go to work.

this is a hysterical story... my makeup is running...

[Bob]

I'm still trying to figure out what this means.

i think she just called you a taint

[roosta]

hahahaha....i can't believe i missed this! amazing!

[monkey]

Paulina's boyfriend says: that story is crazy.... although i think the only thing thats missing is giving the kid a swirly

[Echewta]

was the mom hot?

[TurdBerglar]

...wuz the kid's mother hot or not ??? :cool:


i never saw her. she was just some random frantic mysterious voice behind the stall


READ!

[b i o n i c]

holy fuck thats hillarious. about how old was the little runt?

[TurdBerglar]

three or four

[ericlee]

you should've yelled ROBBLE ROBBLE when his mom walked into the stall.

[fucktopgirl]

Can you please try making sense because I never understand anything you say. Also, yes I would gladly punch a kid.

ok i will try!
i tough that your comment lack of intelligence !

And you still affirm that you would punch a kid,,so i will sustain my comment!

[Chicka B]

Oh shit! I feel so sorry for you Turd. That must of been a very uncomfortable shit for you, probably made that terd crawl all the way back up your ass. HAHAHA!! My little brother's that age, and he's not that much of a dumbass.

[ericlee]

oh yeah, I agree. She's surely a taint.

[na§tee]

i'm kinda upset that no-one appreciated my "maybe he was just trying to bergle your turd" comment. hah. hah! HAAHAHAH! geddit? erm. okay. it's just not that funny, i guess.

i am so easily amused.

[zorra_chiflada]

i'm kinda upset that no-one appreciated my "maybe he was just trying to bergle your turd" comment. hah. hah! HAAHAHAH! geddit? erm. okay. it's just not that funny, i guess.

i am so easily amused.

no-one laughs at my hilarious jokes either. i feel your pain

[mikizee]

i reckon he actually made this story up, or heard it from somebody else and inserted himself as the main character.

i should know, im psychic

[zorra_chiflada]

i reckon he actually made this story up, or heard it from somebody else and inserted himself as the main character.

i should know, im psychic

you're not the only one thinking this

[hardnox71]

i reckon he actually made this story up, or heard it from somebody else and inserted himself as the main character.

If he was coming up with way out stories like this all the time then I would probably agree but I don't think so. This sounds like a day in the life of Turd.


Funniest thing I've read so far.

[checkyourprez]

so i was at work and i was taking a shit. and i hear this little kid come clompping into the rest room at full steam and slams into the door of my stall. i yell out that someone is using this stall. then this little frantic voice nervously cries out that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! i tell him to use the other stall. then he goes "BUT I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!, and tries to open the door. i tell him again that someone is in this stall. and he tell's me again that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! so now he starts to crawl under the door and im really starting to freak out now. im all like, "HEY HEY HEY HEY! SOMEONE IS IN HERE!". now he's fully in the stall with me! just looking at me, "CAN YOU HURWY UP! I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!". now i just start cussin at him, "WHAT THE FUCK KID! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! STUPID SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHAT THE FUCK!". this scares him and he starts fuckn' bawling. so no im sitting on a toilet in a stall with my pants around my ankles and my ass covered with shit and some snot nosed little bastard fuckn' crying at the top of his lungs! he tries to get out of the stall but can't figure out the crappy nob thing on the door. so now he's screaming and pounding on the door. his mother comes running in while im yelling at him to crawl fuck out like the way he did. so he starts crawling out and the mother is yelling at him to get off that disgusting floor and the kid is just standing there looking at me and crying. and im still yelling at him TO GET THE FUCK OUT. the mother hears me and she freaks out, "WHO IS IN THERE WITH YOU! MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH SOMEONE???". the kid finally crawls out under the stall. the mother is on the other side yelling at me for being in the stall with her son. and im trying to tell her that he little hell spawn crawled the fuck under my stall. the mother embarrassingly appologizes and just leaves with the screaming kid. now im just sitting there completely flabbergasted and i noticed that i was shaking pretty badly. i don't normally use a public restroom unless i need to for the very unlikely reasons of something like this happening. but i guess it was very likely today. i should shit before i go to work.


hahaaaaaaa

ive never in a million years thought of anything like that happening. wild story.

[Ace42X]

On a related note, here are some anecdotes. The first is a true story, from the inimitable Jim Dove, called Fulldump:

First off the turd was bigger than I expected, Much bigger considering I took a Big dump 2 days ago,I was Amused especially at a nuggety bit sticking to the side of the bowl. hehe it looked like a large prawn., I tried Flushing it normally first, But no way was that thing gonna go down without a fight. So I used a leg from the Xmas tree to attempt to attack it, 2nd Flush, Oh MY, It STILL did NOT go away,
Ive never had a Turd still Live after the Xmas Tree foot attack. Hmm, I was still very amused. Now I thought, Right, I attacked it AGAIN, 3rd Flush Still it didnt Go I attacked the Surviving Chunk with a vengence, the Xmas Tree Foot had shit stuck in it now, so i spent 2 minutes trying to get it off, I even used a 2nd Xmas Tree Foot to attempt to get rid of the Shittyness.
a 4th Attack on the Chunk Killed it off, now this was a Never before Fight put up by a dump. I hope it never happens again. Luckily I kept my head and had the intestinal Fortitude to be victoruius.

Secondly,
The Monolith
============
by Daniel S. Reinker
>>> a cDc publication.......1993 <<<
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-

As I was grunting, perched over the ivory ring and the water below, my
mind wandered to the grunting I would likely do that night. Yes, I had a date
with Linda Blemski, who was reputed to be looser than Rosanne Barr's pants on
an Ethiopian. I decided where I would take my dates depending on how likely I
was to lay them. After all, why waste lobster on a girl who was gonna screw
you anyway? It just didn't make any sense. Anyhow, let's just say that with
Linda Blemski, I was glad Jack in the Box was having its three tacos for
ninety-nine cents deal.

I was especially in favor of Jack in the Box since I was constipated, and
over time I had learned that nothing got things moving like a nice hot taco,
their steaming fatty meat drenched in their mysterious slimy red sauce.
Wednesday afternoon, bam, suddenly the system had stopped running. Now, don't
get me wrong, occasionally my stomach would get that familiar rumbling
pressure, and I would run to the throne happily anticipating an eruption, but I
had only farted unsatisfactorily. I pushed and pushed, trying desperately to
dislodge whatever was in there, but it would not exit. It seemed to be biding
its time, and as days passed, I started to wonder what exactly was in there.
What sort of butt-monster had declared my anus its permanent home? I could
only wait and wonder.

Well, I was experiencing another failure. The wave of depression at not
being able to perform rushed over me, and I wiped my crack with shame. To look
at that paper, white and lonely... it was almost too much for my heart to bear.
I tossed it into the empty water, yanked up my Calvin Kleins, and trudged out.

I started to cheer up later as I sat across from Linda's pudgy body at
Jack in the Box and bit into my taco. Looking down at the folds of the
tortilla, red with special sauce, I started to imagine how wet Linda must have
been getting. She wasn't very pretty, but as the saying goes, pussies are
universally beautiful. She listened patiently as I told her about myself,
going on about frat parties I had gone to and especially good football games I
had seen. She polished off her tacos like Cookie Monster eating a box of
Oreos, and soon I saw by her vacant look that it was time to head back to my
room and start plowing the field, so to speak. She dumped our trays in the
nearby receptacle and we were out the door.

As we were walking back to my room, I felt a growl emanate deep from
within my bowels. It filled me with fear; it seemed to be the growl of some
dark beast. But, I didn't feel any pressure, so I ignored it. I decided if
anything was going to happen, it would surely wait until I had finished porking
the woman.

We got back to her room, and I closed the door, offering Linda a drink.
She didn't want one, so I drank two shots of tequila myself, one for me, one
for her. At this point, I could tell she was hot to go; I could smell the dank
stench of her sex permeating the room. It reminded me of the ocean, especially
the way her fat oscillated like winter surf as she impatiently rubbed her legs
together. I smiled, and walked over.

We started to kiss, her tongue sliding into my mouth and joyfully picking
the stray taco bits out of my back molars. I yanked her shirt over her head,
and with some effort, unsnapped her bra. Her massive boobs burst free into my
hands like a pair of mushroom clouds. She was breathing heavily, and I tried
to ignore the rank smell of her breath as I yanked down my pants and exposed my
swollen power-prong of pleasure. I jabbed it impatiently into her belly
button; she took the hint and dropped her skirt. She was wearing bright purple
panties, which I quickly slid out of the way to expose her impatient cunt.

She was dripping like an overripe pimple, and making weird moaning noises.
I decided it was time to feed her my meat. I aimed for the hole and jabbed
with my dick. Damn, missed. I tried again. The second time, it slipped in
with a slurp, and I started to bang away at her.

And then it came: a snarling shrieking moan emanating from the pit of my
stomach. I froze, half in, half out. A strange rumbling was seething through
my intestines, the waking movements of some slumbering giant. It was enough to
put all thoughts of sex out of my mind. It was enough to make me quake in
fear. And then it hit.

WHAM! I pulled out of her with a shriek, feeling something slam like a
fist against the wall of my asshole. Something wanted out, and it wanted out
now! I started making my way to the bathroom, sprinting, ignoring Linda's
protests behind me. The urgency of this shit could not wait.

I sprawled onto the seat, happy that I had made it, and gratefully
released the muscles of my asshole, waiting for the monster to slide gracefully
out. But, this beast had no grace, and it was much too big to fit painlessly
through my meager butthole. I tensed in pain as the thing rammed itself at my
sphincter, smashing into it like a city bus out of control.

Foolish was I; I contemplated for a moment whether I actually wanted to
give birth to this unholy leviathan. As if I had a choice. With a wrench, the
shit tore apart my asshole, forcing its head through. I shrieked; my hand dug
into the toilet paper roll by my side, my knuckles white. My body twisted, and
I buckled down, pushing with all my might, despite the pain. Distantly, I
could hear the Carmina Burama playing, as I licked the sweat off my upper lip.
All I had to do was push. All I COULD do was push. This monster would not be
denied.

I began to think the thing would never emerge. It shoved its way out, bit
by bit, clawing onto the dank hair of my crack in its efforts. Then, with one
asshole-wrenching thrust, it was out. My butt cheeks were bathed in ice cold
piss-water as it plunged into the pool below.

For a while, all I could do was breath heavily and thank God it was over.
I tried to summon the bravery to look, to see this god of shits, but all I
could do was tremble. I wasn't sure I was ready; I felt for sure I would turn
to stone at the sight of the thing.

Finally, I pulled together the nerve to stand, turn, and look. My hands
were pressed over my eyes, and it took every effort to peek through them, as a
trembling moan of anguish emerged unbidden from my throat.

And then I saw it. It was... it was beautiful.

A tear of joy dripped from my eye as I beheld this shit miracle I had
produced. Now I could hear Handel's Allelujah chorus running through my head.
The fluorescent light above the toilet bathed the long brown Lord of Feces, and
made it almost glow with a natural halo. It had to be close to a foot long,
and at least an inch and a half in diameter. It rested in the toilet casually,
king of its domain. As I beheld it, my mind flashed to the Sistine Chapel,
except instead of God touching my hand, he was offering me this long, brown
beauty. As if saying, you are my chosen one, and you have been blessed with
the shit of God.

My tears of complete joy and contentment started to wane, and I bent down
to take a closer look at the monolithic log. My eyes lingered on its strange
texture; it seemed almost shiny and hard, probably because of the intense
pressure of my intestines. I wanted to reach out and touch it, but first I
fought with my unworthiness. Surely, to touch it would strike me dead! But,
finally, my curiosity overcame my fear, and I ran my fingers across its sleek
surface.

Rapture! It was as hard as I had expected, and my touch caused it to bob
up and down on the surface. I took it in my hand and stroked it. It was
strangely ridged, probably again due to the pressure of my intestines, and I
was again impressed by how hard it was. It was one solid piece of shit. I
almost found it difficult to believe my bowels could have produced such an
object of perfection. I considered whether I should prostrate myself before it
and worship it.

And then I heard a voice. It was Linda. "Hey! What's taking you so
long?" she oinked from somewhere outside. "Hurry up, honey! Linda's pussy is
crying for you." Ah yes, I had forgotten about the woman outside. I looked at
the floating pillar of power in the bowl. I couldn't flush it, that just
wouldn't be right. It would be a waste. Yet, what could I do with it? I
doubted Linda would appreciate it. Why had I produced such a specimen? What
was its mysterious purpose?

I thought of Linda, and it was then that I knew.

I wrapped my hand around the gargantuan stool, and hefted it. It lifted
in one piece, and I raised it like a scepter. A smile grew on my face as I
thought of what was to come.

When I came out, Linda was lying spread-eagled on the couch, so I could
see straight into her cunt. She leered sexily. I carefully hid the shit
behind my back; she just wouldn't have understood.

"Hey, hon... been waiting for you!" she drooled. "Come on, baby... can't
you see Linda is hot and willing?" She thrust her rancid slit toward me.

"Ok," I smiled. "But, close your eyes first. That way you won't know
when I'm entering you until I actually do." I knew she would do what I said.
She was a crusty old whore, and I knew her like I knew my oldest pair of
underwear.

"Ooh! Kinky!" she belched happily. Her eyes slammed shut, and her hips
twitched, waiting for my entrance. My fleshrod of fertility bulged in
anticipation, but I had no intention of entering her. Instead, I brought forth
the mighty shit, and touched its tip to her waiting, dripping hole.

"You ready?" I grinned. She nodded, starting to make her weird moaning
noises. I slowly started to ease the length of shit into her cunt. She
gasped.

"Wow! You're so... BIG!!!!" she gulped, starting to pant heavily.
"I never knew you could get so big!"

"That was my surprise, baby. I went into the bathroom and smeared a
shitload of enlarging cream on my dick." I laughed silently at my
unintentional pun, and continued to push the long piece of shit into her cunt.
I had to push it in inch by inch, as her hole wasn't used to such a long tool,
and I did it clumsily, since obviously I couldn't go in by feel as I usually
do. But she was too hot and turned on to notice.

"Ooh! Fuck me! Fuck me with that long, hard dick!" she howled. I
complied, pumping the brown log in and out of her hole. As I did so, I noticed
that the phallic poo was developing a slimy layer of crud mixed with her
vaginal fluids on its surface. This just made it go in and out easier. As I
pumped her with this dildo of dung, I started to bang her breasts back and
forth with my spare fist. This really started to get her going, and I sensed
she was started to approach orgasm. I really started to slam the shit into her
cunt, and she started to make shrieking noises. Yep, wouldn't be long. As I
pummeled her hole, I started to notice that the shit was starting to lose its
consistency. It seemed to be getting a little softer, and was molding itself
to her cunt.

However, I had no time to think about this, for Linda launched into a
mighty orgasm, and started bouncing up and down on the couch like a basketball,
screaming and screaming. I fought to keep the shit dildo pumping into her,
trying to keep up with her sudden spasmodic movements. And then, abruptly, I
found myself holding half a shit. The other half had broken off in her cunt.

She gasped as she came out of her orgasm. Her eyes still tightly closed,
she sighed in contentment. "Keep your dick in me," she purred. "I want to
feel you get soft inside me."

"Okay, sweetheart. I'll stay inside you as long as you want," I said, as
I quietly tiptoed to the door. As I slowly shut it behind me, I decided I
probably wouldn't be dating Linda Blemski for a while.

[Astra]

so i was at work and i was taking a shit. and i hear this little kid come clompping into the rest room at full steam and slams into the door of my stall. i yell out that someone is using this stall. then this little frantic voice nervously cries out that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! i tell him to use the other stall. then he goes "BUT I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!, and tries to open the door. i tell him again that someone is in this stall. and he tell's me again that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! so now he starts to crawl under the door and im really starting to freak out now. im all like, "HEY HEY HEY HEY! SOMEONE IS IN HERE!". now he's fully in the stall with me! just looking at me, "CAN YOU HURWY UP! I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!". now i just start cussin at him, "WHAT THE FUCK KID! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! STUPID SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHAT THE FUCK!". this scares him and he starts fuckn' bawling. so no im sitting on a toilet in a stall with my pants around my ankles and my ass covered with shit and some snot nosed little bastard fuckn' crying at the top of his lungs! he tries to get out of the stall but can't figure out the crappy nob thing on the door. so now he's screaming and pounding on the door. his mother comes running in while im yelling at him to crawl fuck out like the way he did. so he starts crawling out and the mother is yelling at him to get off that disgusting floor and the kid is just standing there looking at me and crying. and im still yelling at him TO GET THE FUCK OUT. the mother hears me and she freaks out, "WHO IS IN THERE WITH YOU! MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH SOMEONE???". the kid finally crawls out under the stall. the mother is on the other side yelling at me for being in the stall with her son. and im trying to tell her that he little hell spawn crawled the fuck under my stall. the mother embarrassingly appologizes and just leaves with the screaming kid. now im just sitting there completely flabbergasted and i noticed that i was shaking pretty badly. i don't normally use a public restroom unless i need to for the very unlikely reasons of something like this happening. but i guess it was very likely today. i should shit before i go to work.


this should be a short movie!!

[marsdaddy]

I'm not amazed or amused by this story. Maybe it's the New England air?

[jackrock]

bump!

[DustSucker]

Awkward story, Turd. I couldn't stop laughing :eek: (though it's been a while since it happened)

also I didn't know Ace was into literature that much :D

[icy manipulator]

good bump

[jackrock]

Thanks, probably the best bump I'll ever do.

[TurdBerglar]

what the hell?

[like2_drink]

hahahaha my favorite part is that you through in " i realized i was shaking pretty badly "


fucking gold story(y)

[Mrs_Princess]

OMH that is tramatizing!!!!! I like kids... but little brat's like that UMM NO.... did he not understand what you meant??? I mean he knew how to basically almost say bathroom!!! I would think he'd be able to understand the word NOOO!!:rolleyes:

[zorra_chiflada]

TELL US ANOTHER STORY TURD

[-T-]

:D I'm glad this was bumped up, This rediculas story made my afternoon.

[Auton]

hahaha i never saw this thread until now.. incredible (y)

[Bob]

rediculas

jesus tap dancing christ

[DIGI]

I never read this thread. I wonder if the kid ever got to poop. He probably shit his pants while sitting shotgun in mom's Subaru Forester. Way to go, Turd.........asshole.

[ericlee]

jesus tap dancing christ

What? You've never heard of Dracula's retarded brother, Rediculas?

[Bob]

sounds like an elf's name

[ggirlballa]

LOL

[-T-]

(!) :eek:

[KingOfPop]

so i was at work and i was taking a shit. and i hear this little kid come clompping into the rest room at full steam and slams into the door of my stall. i yell out that someone is using this stall. then this little frantic voice nervously cries out that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! i tell him to use the other stall. then he goes "BUT I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!, and tries to open the door. i tell him again that someone is in this stall. and he tell's me again that he needs to GO TO THE BAFFROOM! so now he starts to crawl under the door and im really starting to freak out now. im all like, "HEY HEY HEY HEY! SOMEONE IS IN HERE!". now he's fully in the stall with me! just looking at me, "CAN YOU HURWY UP! I NEED TO GO TO THE BAFFROOM!". now i just start cussin at him, "WHAT THE FUCK KID! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! STUPID SHIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHAT THE FUCK!". this scares him and he starts fuckn' bawling. so no im sitting on a toilet in a stall with my pants around my ankles and my ass covered with shit and some snot nosed little bastard fuckn' crying at the top of his lungs! he tries to get out of the stall but can't figure out the crappy nob thing on the door. so now he's screaming and pounding on the door. his mother comes running in while im yelling at him to crawl fuck out like the way he did. so he starts crawling out and the mother is yelling at him to get off that disgusting floor and the kid is just standing there looking at me and crying. and im still yelling at him TO GET THE FUCK OUT. the mother hears me and she freaks out, "WHO IS IN THERE WITH YOU! MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH SOMEONE???". the kid finally crawls out under the stall. the mother is on the other side yelling at me for being in the stall with her son. and im trying to tell her that he little hell spawn crawled the fuck under my stall. the mother embarrassingly appologizes and just leaves with the screaming kid. now im just sitting there completely flabbergasted and i noticed that i was shaking pretty badly. i don't normally use a public restroom unless i need to for the very unlikely reasons of something like this happening. but i guess it was very likely today. i should shit before i go to work.




I thought I had problems......

[ericlee]

call it karma. You create such a name as Turdberglar and this kid comes and robs you of your turds.

[Bob]

(!) :eek:

christ, you mean you weren't making a joke? (i saw this before the edit, you said "ridiculas" but i didn't say anything because i thought you were joking)

ridiculous, there, write it down

[-T-]

christ, you mean you weren't making a joke? (i saw this before the edit, you said "ridiculas" but i didn't say anything because i thought you were joking)

ridiculous, there, write it down

(y) Note taken. You probably have no idea how may times I have misspelled that word. :D

[Big Gus]

Hahah. Holy shit...