Fact: Women love assholes to treat them badly!!!

[Loppfessor]

So I’ve been off and on (more on that off) with my girlfriend for 2 ½ years now. A lot of that time has been spent long distance because of our jobs. Anyway it’s been rough and yeah quite honestly for most of it I was pretty much an asshole to her. I would come and go as I pleased and call when I was done doing what I wanted things like that. She said I wasn’t emotional enough and didn’t ever show that I really cared and so forth. Well the past few months have been rough on us and I could tell we were both reaching a breaking point. Well I really have cleaned up my act. I realized that I do really love her and that she is the best thing that ever happened to me. I finally saw how wrong I had been and vowed to make changes. It’s a very long story but in short I finally saw that it was okay to open up and allow myself to be vulnerable.

So in recent weeks I’ve really made the effort. I sent her flowers randomly, I call a lot more, and not just when it’s convenient. I tell her I love her all the time and basically have let loose everything that I have always felt but have been too scared to show. So what do I get for my troubles?? Now she feels “overwhelmed” and is not used to me being like this blah blah blah. She is going to spend Easter with my family back in the states this weekend so I thought it would be a really great surprise to fly home and see her. So I spend money I can’t afford and take time off work that I really don’t have to make this trip happen because I thought it would be a really great, romantic big deal.

Tonight she called when she got home from work saying she was tired and hadn’t eaten yet so I was like “Well go eat and stuff and give me a call later on then” she just sighed and with a really irritated voice said “Riiiiich” like it was some huge fucking inconvenience to call me back. I didn’t really lose it or anything but I sure felt stupid. That’s when she started in with the “overwhelmed” talk. So like a dumbass I told her about my plan this weekend and asked her if she still wanted me to come. She said of course she did and even though she was having trouble adjusting to the new me she still wanted to see me. Bus shit man how can she want to see me if I’m such a fucking annoyance right now???!!! I just feel like an idiot for even trying. I mean seriously when I was a dick to her I had her eating out of the palm of my hand. Now that I’m Mr. Nice Guy I’m getting shit on. It doesn’t make sense!

[ms.peachy]

It doesn't make sense to you.

I'm loathe to make any judgement here without knowing both sides of the story.

[The Notorious LOL]

if they lack self-esteem then probably.

if not, then I doubt it. As you get older you find that rule tends to not be as true unless the girl is horribly immature.

[ericlee]

Maybe your newly acquired Mr. Nice guy skills aren't quite up to par yet.

You're not giving her the benifit. If she says she's tired, leave it at that and you should've just said it's ok if you won't be able to call me back yet. Part of taking the nice guy role is complete understanding even during the smallest times like this.

[hpdrifter]

Well without knowing both sides, I'd say either you hurt her too bad when you were an asshole for her to really trust you now or what you perceive as being the nice guy isn't the same as what she perceives or it isn't the type of nice guy she wants.

I'd say if you were that much of a dick to her and you love her that much now, don't make a lot of demands on her and just try to relax and let the new shape of your relationship form. Its tough long distance, no question.

[kll]

She also may have gotten accustomed to your life apart and maybe has another possible relationship on the side, but doesn't want to give you up just yet...Your behaving this new way could be threatening to her because it will force her to make a decision one way or the other...

[Echewta]

regardless, chicks are stupid.

[ampm]

For the record, I'm loathe as well.

[Nuzzolese]

You treat her like shit then suddenly decide you love her and now at your convenience it's time to send flowers and invade her free time. And you expect her to jump up and down and forget the last 2 and a half years? It takes time to turn a relationship around! You were in the wrong and you admitted it, that means it's her turn to do the forgiving and your turn to do the purgatory or something, the agonizing waiting for her to call you back. If you love her it's your turn to suck it up and wait for her and be available when she wants you, and willing to back off when she doesn't. That's only fair. In time she'll see that you love her and then it'll be up to her to decide whether she still wants you around or not. It's possible that you were an asshole for too long and she just doesn't want you at all anymore. It's tough. But loving someone isn't about having a perfect relationship, it's just about loving them for who they are....or so I am starting to believe these days - in my personal opinion.

[Echewta]

^ hahah, stupid woman.

[Nuzzolese]

I don't know why I bother! I change my status to loathe too.

[Freedom Toast]

Ahh.....this is why I love not being in a relationship!

[beastieangel01]

You treat her like shit then suddenly decide you love her and now at your convenience it's time to send flowers and invade her free time. And you expect her to jump up and down and forget the last 2 and a half years?

yeah. It's never fun when someone expects you to flip a switch on your feelings and just be "okay" again. It takes time, just like nuzz said.

And again, we don't have both sides of the story.

[Nuzzolese]

You know, you keep talking about how you feel and how it's not fair to you, and how now you realize it's okay for you to open up and be vulnerable. You've vowed to make changes in yourself because she's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Then when it comes to her, you sound awfully annoyed and insulting "blah blah blah." "started in with the 'overwhelmed' talk." You sound more concerned with yourself than with her. You sound selfish and you don't sound like you respect what she's saying at all. You don't sound like you respect her at all. I understand you're angry and frustrated, but are you really thinking about her, even now that you've decided to make these changes?

[Echewta]

Snoop Dog would certainly never take her attitude like you are Lopp.

[Loppfessor]

You know, you keep talking about how you feel and how it's not fair to you, and how now you realize it's okay for you to open up and be vulnerable. You've vowed to make changes in yourself because she's the best thing that's ever happened to you. Then when it comes to her, you sound awfully annoyed and insulting "blah blah blah." "started in with the 'overwhelmed' talk." You sound more concerned with yourself than with her. You sound selfish and you don't sound like you respect what she's saying at all. You don't sound like you respect her at all. I understand you're angry and frustrated, but are you really thinking about her, even now that you've decided to make these changes?

Yes, it is frustrating and it drives me insane. You made some good points in your first post but keep in mind that I am just venting to you guys. If I come on here and let loose with a rant for a few minutes it actually helps me to feel better and get it all out. That way I avoid going off on her but still get an outlet for some of the emotion. Then I have time to think and make more rational decisions and conclusions. Then I'm usually better able to see where she's coming from.

Anyway I'm not expecting her to flip a switch but a little consistency would be nice. I mean two nights ago she was all lovie dovie talking about wanting to get married and have kids with me then last night out of no where I get blindsided. I realize this is going to take time and I’m committed to working through things but that only works if she’s on board to. It’s not fair if any old time she feels like it she can treat me like crap and then use the past as an excuse. If you forgive someone and agree to move forward you don’t get to keep going back to the well any time you need leverage.

[DroppinScience]

Hmmmm... do you get any sense she's turning the tables on you or something?

[Loppfessor]

Hmmmm... do you get any sense she's turning the tables on you or something?

Oh trust me I’ve pondered that theory a lot. If only on a subconscious level I would say there is a good chance a lot of what she is or has done is payback of some sort. I know I have to do my penance and that’s cool as long as she doesn’t take it too far. I’m still very excited about Thursday. I really think we will both have a better idea of how we really feel about each other if we talk face to face

[DroppinScience]

Oh trust me I’ve pondered that theory a lot. If only on a subconscious level I would say there is a good chance a lot of what she is or has done is payback of some sort. I know I have to do my penance and that’s cool as long as she doesn’t take it too far. I’m still very excited about Thursday. I really think we will both have a better idea of how we really feel about each other if we talk face to face

Well best of luck with her this Easter! (y)

[Loppfessor]

^ Thanks....if nothing else I can honestly say I've learned a lot from this whole experience. It's a shame that I always seem to have to learn things the hard way but I really have grown and matured from this all. I just hope that it's not too late to repair things with her.

[Astra]

sounds to me like taking the slower appoach will help the both of you in this one. You spent a lot of time separated in distance and that can take a toll just b/c of the changes that happen in daily life. Try not to worry so much about the relationship repair and just hang out with her when you go. be there and don't press anything as much as possible.. It's waiting for the other shoe to drop I know but let her be comfortable and not forced into telling her thoughts. Best of luck for the both of you

[Lex Diamonds]

Maybe she started cheating on you when you were an asshole and the new you is just making her feel guilty about it. Maybe it's a good job you told her about your surprise visit this weekend. Maybe I watch too much Friends.

[Loppfessor]

Believe me my own paranoia had had me wondering about the cheating thing a LOT, but I have to trust her and have faith that she’d be straight with me. I think Astra has the right idea however I’m not a sit and wait kind of person. If I want something I try to do whatever it takes to make things happen. I guess there is another lesson there as well. We’re supposed to talk again tonight so we’ll see how it goes. Honestly though one reason I was keeping it a surprise was to see if I did happen to walk in on anything.

[ampm]

My (female) neighbor's asshole once had a hemroid. Needless to say, she enjoyed it much so. So I totally agree with this thread.

[Loppfessor]

not true.
if my boyfriend morphed from mr asshole into mr nice-guy overnight, i'd be pretty suss, and wonder what he'd done wrong.
i'd think he had cheated on me, wanted money from me or gotten another girl pregnant...etc...etc...

perhaps you should explain your way of thinking to her? that you have thought about things, and realise just how much she means to you, and that you are committed to trying harder?


Oh trust me she knows everything I've done wrong. I confessed all my sins because I wanted to start fresh with her and didn't want any secrets. It was not an easy decision but I didn't want there to be any lies or anything between us. I told her everything because I finally realized the wrong things I had done or was doing and wanted to fix them.