Keeping someone on the "back burner"

[DandyFop]

is pretty fucking horrible, wouldn't you say?

[ToucanSpam]

Can you elaborate? I think I know what you're saying.

[DandyFop]

Yeah...you know, the fall-back. The go-to guy. Someone who you don't want an actual relationship with, but they like you so you keep them around.

[ToucanSpam]

Yeah, I never do that because it's using and attention whore-ish. I've been used though, lied to. It's really pathetic, but since I'm a vengeful person I usually humiliate them somehow to make them go away.

So I'm not an asshole for keeping someone like that around, but I am an asshole for hurting people who do that to me. It's really stupid, but I'm a sensitive and vengeful person.

Okay, story time. There was a girl who kept telling me she would love to go out with me a couple times, but whenever I attempted to actually arrange the evening, something 'else' came up, with no explanation of how or why or what. She enjoyed my friends company more than myself, and her bitch of a cousin told me that I 'blew my chance' for some reason. So, conveniantly afterwards no one ever called her again for plans. I also ripped the mickey out of her for being immature and naive.

The only thing I regret is being naive myself. I am glad that I didn't put it in her, too. And that the 'something else' wasn't someone else putting it in her.


...God that was a long time ago, and it is still somewhat in my head. Thats fucked up...

[paul jones]

is pretty fucking horrible, wouldn't you say?


yeah,his ass must be on fire:)

[DandyFop]

Yeah, I never do that because it's using and attention whore-ish.

you are correct, sir!

There used to be this one guy I was friends with, a few years ago. We always had some kind of sexual tension, but we were always in/out of relationships at opposite times. At first I liked being friends with him and then he just started out being a douchebag. I figured I'd keep it up, cause he was hot and maybe we'd make out sometime. Then he got engaged and became an even bigger douchebag. Not friends anymore.

[Sarky Devotchka]

the first boy I loved (or thought I loved) did that to me. He'd get my hopes up and call me for awhile, we'd make out, then he'd go back to his girlfriend. My mom tried to tell me he was a player, but I was like, "no mom, he likes meeeee!" and I'd cry and cry. stupid teenagers.

I suppose I have that one guy on the backburner, but it's not my fault!

[Lex Diamonds]

Does it count as having someone on the back burner when they really like you and you get with them a few times then they want to get all relationshippy but you're not ready so you tell em no and then they start going out with one of your friends and then a few months later you realise you do like them and you want to start something but you have too much respect for this particular friend to say or do anything, despite the strong mutual attraction?

[DandyFop]

I think it might count for the other person now Padster. Because if they really wanted to, wouldn't they be with you?

[Lex Diamonds]

I think it might count for the other person now Padster. Because if they really wanted to, wouldn't they be with you?
Well I never actually told her that I like her now. But we're very close, always have been. Like she's constantly sending me text messages and saying she loves me. And she's always complimenting me on my appearance. And when we're alone she keeps telling me how she likes the idea of secret passionate affairs. But I don't want to tell her I like her because I don't want to be that guy who steals his friend's woman.

[DIGI]

Im your inter-continental back burner boy.:(

[Nuzzolese]

Well I never actually told her that I like her now. But we're very close, always have been. Like she's constantly sending me text messages and saying she loves me. And she's always complimenting me on my appearance. And when we're alone she keeps telling me how she likes the idea of secret passionate affairs. But I don't want to tell her I like her because I don't want to be that guy who steals his friend's woman.

She's all but cheating on her boyfriend with you! She is seriously disrespecting your best friend/her boyfriend already. I don't know what you should do about it, I just think she's messing things up worse than you could. You sincerely like her. I guess you could tell her to break up with your friend and then the two of you could start a relationship, but it would greatly distance you from your friend. Whom would you rather have close to you; her or him?

[DandyFop]

I gotta turn off the back burners, man. I gotta do it.

[Lex Diamonds]

She's all but cheating on her boyfriend with you! She is seriously disrespecting your best friend/her boyfriend already. I don't know what you should do about it, I just think she's messing things up worse than you could. You sincerely like her. I guess you could tell her to break up with your friend and then the two of you could start a relationship, but it would greatly distance you from your friend. Whom would you rather have close to you; her or him?
That's my dilemma. I don't want her to break up with him because of me. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I guess it would be acceptable to wait for them to break up naturally, leave it a month or so, and then do something. But that is pretty long. And she's not really disrespecting him, he met her through me and he knows we're like best friends. He knew that she had a thing for me when they started going out, but he knew I didn't like her back like that. He doesn't have a problem with our closeness, except he doesn't know that she still likes me like that. We are basically like boyfriend and girlfriend in every way except for kissing and sexing. People are always mistaking us as such and some people accuse her of cheating, which technically she isn't. And like I said I value this guy as a friend too much to do anything that would spoil their relationship (which I admit is quite a nice one). I've fucked with someone else's girlfriend before but that's cuz I hated the guy and he knew I'd had a BIG thing for the girl for like a year before they got together. But yeah I'm over that and I just wouldn't do it to this guy.

[Nuzzolese]

That's my dilemma. I don't want her to break up with him because of me. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I guess it would be acceptable to wait for them to break up naturally, leave it a month or so, and then do something. But that is pretty long. And she's not really disrespecting him, he met her through me and he knows we're like best friends. He knew that she had a thing for me when they started going out, but he knew I didn't like her back like that. He doesn't have a problem with our closeness, except he doesn't know that she still likes me like that. We are basically like boyfriend and girlfriend in every way except for kissing and sexing. People are always mistaking us as such and some people accuse her of cheating, which technically she isn't. And like I said I value this guy as a friend too much to do anything that would spoil their relationship (which I admit is quite a nice one). I've fucked with someone else's girlfriend before but that's cuz I hated the guy and he knew I'd had a BIG thing for the girl for like a year before they got together. But yeah I'm over that and I just wouldn't do it to this guy.

Technically shmecnically. Would you want your girlfriend flirting with another guy, telling him she loves him, being all buddy-buddy when you know the two of them hooked up in the past? She is basically cheating if you two are acting like this towards each other. So she isn't kissing you, so what? She wants to, she talks to you like she wants to. That's almost just as bad. She is really disrespecting him by acting this way. It doesn't matter what he knows. Maybe he has no self respect or he doesn't care. But she is not acting like a good girlfriend to him at all. And you are disrespecting him by being so close with her when you know there is a mutual attraction. You have to tell him about it or you have to tell her to give it up and pick just one guy. How do you think your friend would feel knowing how you two are together? REALLY knowing? He wouldn't like it. So you're not being a very good friend to him. Regardless of how your actions are reciprocated, a lousy behavior is a lousy behavior. Just because he doesn't see it, it doesn't mean you aren't backstabbing him. And she's doing it too. Don't you think he'd rather know what's going on, and be single, than have all this flirting and suggestion going on when he's not looking? You two are making a fool out of him!

Anyway, that's what I have to say. And I'm done.

[Lex Diamonds]

Like I said, he knows the situation, doesn't have a problem with how close we are, and at the end of the day, it's him who goes home and fucks her. He doesn't really like her any deeper than that. He certainly doesn't know her very well. One of the reasons they are such a nice couple is they never argue about anything. They're just really polite to each other, almost like perfect strangers, neither of them ever expresses an opinion if they think it might be conflicting with the other. I guess in a way she comes to me for the emotional side of the boyfriend shit. He stumbled across some texts on her phone the other day where she said she loved me and shit like that, he asked her about it and she said she wasn't cheating, he believed her, simple as that. It hasn't affected me and his relationship in the slightest. He trusts me not to do anything with his girlfriend, which is why I'm not going to. Nobody is disrespecting anybody, that's not the issue here.

Basically I'm just lamenting my own slowness in realising I like the girl, I didn't expect this kind of condemning judgement. Accusing me of a lack of respect seems ridiculous to me considering my constraint in this situation. But whatever, I guess if I don't want to hear that shit I just won't talk about my life on here again.

[Ace42X]

is pretty fucking horrible, wouldn't you say?

It is a tad unfair, but everyone does it, and rightly so. Many relationships fail or are untenable, and expecting people to commit to a fledgling relationship just for the sake of some OTHER person is a tad silly.

[beastieangel01]

yes. very horrible.

[g-mile7]

yes. very horrible.


agreed. False hope depending on the guys charcter might occur (him thinking he has a chance)

[marsdaddy]

A lot of this BS is cleared up through open lines of communication. Back burners can cook up well, if minded properly. Now, if that person wants more than you can give them, he/she should talk to you about it.

And Padster, I bet you only want this girl now because she's unavailable. Once you have her, you'll cast her away.

[g-mile7]

A lot of this BS is cleared up through open lines of communication. Back burners can cook up well, if minded properly. Now, if that person wants more than you can give them, he/she should talk to you about it.

And Padster, I bet you only want this girl now because she's unavailable. Once you have her, you'll cast her away.


Pretty bold assumption.Thats a stereotype not everyone is like that.

[Auton]

pull out black burners like tonsils

[SobaViolence]

if you are upfront about how you feel you should a)never have to put anyone on the backburner, b)never be put on said backburner...unless they lie.


i got soul.

[WillMac]

i like to keep this board on the back burner

[enree erzweglle]

That's my dilemma. I don't want her to break up with him because of me. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I guess it would be acceptable to wait for them to break up naturally, leave it a month or so, and then do something. But that is pretty long.She probably won't break up with your friend until she secures someone else romantically (as in the topic of this thread) so if you wait without making a move, she'll probably get some other guy to be her fallback. I wouldn't make the move.

I don't know of a lot of guys (any guys, really) who do this fallback person/safety net thing, but I know a lot of women who do it. It's like to some women, being alone is the absolute worst thing in the world when actually, that very thing (being without an intimate relationship) is probably the only thing that'll make them stop doing that fallback stuff.

[g-mile7]

She probably won't break up with your friend until she secures someone else romantically (as in the topic of this thread) so if you wait without making a move, she'll probably get some other guy to be her fallback. I wouldn't make the move.

I don't know of a lot of guys (any guys, really) who do this fallback person/safety net thing, but I know a lot of women who do it. It's like to some women, being alone is the absolute worst thing in the world when actually, that very thing (being without an intimate relationship) is probably the only thing that'll make them stop doing that fallback stuff.


Good adivce. Shame how people (guys and girls espically) crave attention without wanting attention....

[Nuzzolese]

I don't espically crave attention.

[g-mile7]

I don't espically crave attention.


So I expect you have some "cars in the garage" then?

[DandyFop]

The problem is, how do you stop being someone who wants that? I'm for sure guilty of keeping someone on the back burner because I'm scared of being alone. How do I change that? It's not something the happens overnight.

[adam_f]

Whatever Nuzzo says I agree with even though I never understand what the hell her point is.

[Nuzzolese]

So I expect you have some "cars in the garage" then?

Did I not just say that I don't? Am I drinking crazy juice here or have you boarded the wrong train?? As long as we're playing with metaphors here, why don't you cast your garage line in a more populated pond because I've netted my catch if you know what I'm saying know whatmsayin.

[Nuzzolese]

Whatever Nuzzo says I agree with even though I never understand what the hell her point is.

prezactly. I'm with stupid.

[enree erzweglle]

The problem is, how do you stop being someone who wants that? I'm for sure guilty of keeping someone on the back burner because I'm scared of being alone. How do I change that? It's not something the happens overnight.Maybe it's just a matter of being okay being alone, without a romance/partner. So that if you know that your relationship is on the rocks, end it and make yourself have time alone. (When I say alone, I mean time without dating. Several months.)

You learn a lot about yourself when you spend time alone like that.

[adam_f]

Originally posted by Nuzzolese
prezactly. I'm with stupid.

See. Dammit, I don't get that. I'm assuming I'm stupid yet I don't know because it could be double talk. Dammit.

[g-mile7]

Did I not just say that I don't? Am I drinking crazy juice here or have you boarded the wrong train?? As long as we're playing with metaphors here, why don't you cast your garage line in a more populated pond because I've netted my catch if you know what I'm saying know whatmsayin.


Just because you have netted what you see as a "prize" doesn't mean that there are no other "big game" out in that pond of yours. I took what you said (which was left open ended) the wrong way no need to try and be rude or arrogant. Forgive me for not appearing to be on your vastly superior intellectual knowledge level(sarcasm). We all can't be sychophants perfectly you know.

PS: I am not trying to hit on you(your lil garage line shit) thought I have told you that before shit.

[DandyFop]

Maybe it's just a matter of being okay being alone, without a romance/partner. So that if you know that your relationship is on the rocks, end it and make yourself have time alone. (When I say alone, I mean time without dating. Several months.)

You learn a lot about yourself when you spend time alone like that.

That's what I'm saying though, I have a hard time being alone. How do I do that? How do I get through that amount of time without trying to be with somebody? You said to make myself do it, but for me it's very difficult.

[g-mile7]

That's what I'm saying though, I have a hard time being alone. How do I do that? How do I get through that amount of time without trying to be with somebody? You said to make myself do it, but for me it's very difficult.



All I can say is just keep your options open it better to be alone then with someone that, in the end, could not be the one (18 years 18 years got one of his kids got him for 18 years)

[enree erzweglle]

That's what I'm saying though, I have a hard time being alone. How do I do that? How do I get through that amount of time without trying to be with somebody? You said to make myself do it, but for me it's very difficult.Maybe find new things that interest you and plan your time around that--tackle some thing that's challenged you and go for it. You'll meet other interesting people but maybe remind yourself that you can't take it into a different kind of relationship for awhile. You'll probably see different sides to those people when you do that too.

[DandyFop]

Yeah. We'll see.

[Nuzzolese]

Just because you have netted what you see as a "prize" doesn't mean that there are no other "big game" out in that pond of yours. I took what you said (which was left open ended) the wrong way no need to try and be rude or arrogant. Forgive me for not appearing to be on your vastly superior intellectual knowledge level(sarcasm). We all can't be sychophants perfectly you know.

PS: I am not trying to hit on you(your lil garage line shit) thought I have told you that before shit.

Would you stop flirting with me?! I don't care how big your "game" is. I am taken!

[adam_f]

Originally posted by Nuzzolese
Would you stop flirting with me?! I don't care how big your "game" is. I am taken!

Apparently taken by the fucking wikipedia gestapo because you make me feel like a fucking moron.

Off topic.

[Nuzzolese]

Apparently taken by the fucking wikipedia gestapo because you make me feel like a fucking moron.

Off topic.

I just thought it would be funny if I said I'm with stupid when you just said that you're with me. It's nice to have friends. :) I'm sure your feelings of... moronitude (?) are a misinterpretation.

[adam_f]

I see how it is. I'm boycotting you.

[Nuzzolese]

I see how it is. I'm boycotting you.

Wouldn't do any good. No one buys me anyway.

[adam_f]

I bought your mom a ticket to ride and I'm pretty sure she did care.

[DandyFop]

^Best post ever.

[Nuzzolese]

I'm with stupid ...I mean, ditto. And I think I got insulted, don't even care. T.G.I.-ADAM-F!

[adam_f]

Originally posted by Nuzzolese
T.G.I.-ADAM-F!

Thank God It's Adam_F?

[Freebasser]

Adam, Becks couldn't make it this evening. Any chance we could meet up and maybe watch a movie or something?

Cheers, hon.

[adam_f]

I was kinda hoping to see that new Kiefer Sutherland movie. OMG, he is soooo hot. Wanna come with? <3!

[Freebasser]

Ok, but NO almost-kissing this time.

[adam_f]

I'll buy the popcorn. ;)

[Freebasser]

And definitely NO popcorn surprise! If I find little Percy in there when I'm grabbing for a handful, it's date over.

[adam_f]

It may not be Percy. It could be Raheim.

[Freebasser]

I love his helmet ;)

[adam_f]

I'm done.

[Freebasser]

Not in my popcorn I hope :(