A Letter To Your 14-Year-Old Self

[b i o n i c]

hey man,

im writing to you from 2006. over on this side its ok to wear both straps of your backpack. speaking of backpacks - stop bringing home all those books from your locker! you're giving me back problems, dude! plus you know that you won't use all of them 90% of the time, and from here I can tell you that you would've done just fine those times you traveled light.

so how's it feel to be a big man? traveling on a train to get to school. well whooptie-friggen-do. in two years your friend is gonna get his face slashed up for a hat and you're gonna get held up at gunpoint for some pot you're supposed to get for a party. tell your friend to just give them the hat, and when you get stuck up, just do as i did. keep your head down and give it up. you weight like 150 lbs. take it easy.

you might be asking, 'who the fuck do i think i am talking to myself like this?'. im you! and youre great! trust us.

ok. your friends. make more time for them and take less time out for that dilly girlfriend of yours you meet next year. oh yeah, you're gonna lose your virginity then too. just relax and enjoy it. it'll be dec 31 and you'll be suprised to see some amazing fireworks going off outside the window... literally. write her a poem about it. i meant to but never did. it was an incredible way to lose your virginity, give her something to remember it by. shes a special girl, no matter what, don't leave her feeling anything but that - fuck your pride. she's gonna break up with you when you guys go to college and shes gonna end up marrying a comedian. she ends up getting married really young, and you dont want that. just sit back and accept whatever happens and keep your mind open for all the good things to come.

this summer you're going to learn to play the guitar. its going to start as just some spontaneous boredom-killing activity. go out and get a chord book. with the amount of time that you'll spend teaching yourself, you can be so much better if you just forget about your ideas of 'learning through experience' because its 'so rock n roll'. a book won't hurt, and it'll prevent you from playing 'rocket' completely wrong for six months.

and don't sell your amp so that you can pay for the limo for prom. just get another couple to share the costs and ask your friend james to spot you for a month. you'll have the money then. you'll need that amp. it costs about $600 now.

dont sweat the people that give you a hard time. trust me. in 14 years youll attend your reunion and find that most of them have gone to shit. seriously. its totally ok to rag on that asshole in homeroom. he turns out to be a bigger loser than he was then. do not cut math class. yeah it sucks but about 6 years from now you'll discover you were running from a joke. give it a good try for a couple of weeks and you'll get it.

don't let up in junior year. its taken me a good 7 years to make up for not getting into a good college. you'll have more money and opportunities to have fun towards the end of college, buckle up now. i'd be where i want to get by now had you done your job for a measly year. dont be a dick. forget about putting love first in your life. its so corny, but if you dont love yourself you can't love someone else. its true. start paying attention to how awesome you are. everything else will fall in line.

be nice to your little sister. she remembers everything. she turns out to be an awesome person, and later on she'll reveal to you that you're her hero. take care of her. she notices EVERYTHING you do, so measure your actions - they are her examples.

ergfhfh they're such a huge part of your life. you'll eventually go to a party and get to meet all three of them. it'll be cool, you'll enjoy and be satisfied and allthat. whoo hoo! this letter is coming to you via this thing called the internet on their 'message board'. itll be a place where lots of people like you come to talk shit. there will be a time that you go to a beastie boys concert at giants stadium and run out of money. do not use that atm machine. just dont do it.

the family is doing alright, so stop worrying about that. no one has died and everyone has adjusted to all the changes. focus your mind on yourself because all the rest is sort of a waste for the next fourteen years. grandpa's still with us, enjoy the next ten years with him before his mind goes. i think you did a good job with him, so i'll just say, stay the course with that.

oh there's so much more i can tell you... im done for now. i'll drop you lines as i think of them. for now: always wipe and stay off the pipe. keep ya head up. everything's gonna be alright.


- me.

[Lyman Zerga]

nothing has changed since i was 14 but i like the idea

[ms.peachy]

Dude- you're totally messing with the Prime Directive, you know.

[enree erzweglle]

Dear young enree,

In about 20-25 years, you'll be in a drug store and there will be a display of lighted mirrors that magnify you to like 25x and you'll be tempted to look into one for kicks but don't do it.

love to you from old enree

[Ace42X]

The *TEMPORAL* Prime Directive. Call it by its name.

And I wish I could send 14 year old me a letter. I'd get so much jailbait poontang. And I'd be rich, due to making a lot of very well timed bets.

[kleptomaniac]

dear self,

so it's only been, what? 1-2 years?

things just get weirder.

love,

moi

[voltanapricot]

Dear Me,

Quit poking at your curves and wishing you were like your mean, skinny friends. Someday, they will catch up and be fatter than you! Nuffink to worry about.

Love from Me Minus One Tyre Than Them.

xxx

[roosta]

Yo,
When you get to my age, don't write a letter to your 14-year old self, it'll seem mad gay!

Me.

[Auton]

dear ed,

start dating immediately, and if you run into anybody named alyssa or jessica, run like your life depended on it. Get over Leanne too. Otherwise it'll be another 3 before you get interested in someone else... I know it seems totally awesome to be a DJ, but only buy one turntable. It's all you're going to need for now. Don't bother with the 4 Track when you turn 16, you're only going to use it for about a year. Ask for a Shure Beta 57 instead, you can just plug that into your Dad's mixer and buy a RCA-to-USB cable with your allowance.

DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT BUY THE FOLLOWING ALBUMS-
1.Emerson Lake and Palmer- Brain Salad Surgery
2.Allman Brothers. I don't remember what it's called but it has a boy on the cover.
3.Wait to buy Criminal Minded. Buy Long Live the Kane instead
4.Don't spend all your (parents') money on Beastie Boys singles. By the time you hit 17 you wont be listening to any of them anymore.

When you turn twenty don't try snorting adderol and smoking afterwards. Heck, don't even start smoking. Your parents are going to find out and they'll hate your guts.

AND FOR HEAVENS SAKE STOP LOOKING FOR PICTURES OF JENNY MCCARTHEY ON THE INTERNET

[b i o n i c]

don't write a letter to your 14-year old self, it'll seem mad gay!
Me.

i almost forgot...

self: a guy who goes by roosta will help you come to the realization that you are a homosexual

[Auton]

Yo,
When you get to my age, don't write a letter to your 14-year old self, it'll seem mad gay!

Me.

good point :(

[Chicka B]

To 14 year old me,

Stop cussing, it makes you seem trashy. And do your homework! You're only making it harder on yourself. When you get stressed, you get depressed. Then nobody likes you because you bum everybody out. Take your own advice, and stop talking to yourself.

From 15 year old me.

[wrongwayandugg]

i almost forgot...

self: a guy who goes by roosta will help you come to the realization that you are a homosexual

haha.

[DandyFop]

Hey girl, what up? You know, you're gonna have a pretty good time in high school. I do have a few suggestions though -

- Try harder in the drama area. You aren't a bad actress, but be more serious about preparing for auditions and get the roles that you know you would rock butts at.

-When Schmid changes everything for voting for drama president, don't just assume you're gonna get it anyway because you deserve it. Put some effort in, or freakin Kristen will get it because she's a politician and shmoozes people.

-Kick Ben's ass more for re-writing your awesome scripts for the assemblies

-Kiss Nate McKonkiey because you'll never get a chance again to kiss the most popular guy in school

-don't date Enoch, Aaron, Jason, or Zach. Especially don't break up with Danny for Enoch - just don't go out with Danny at all because he's absolutely perfect for your best friend and you're blind for not seeing it

-when you go to Northern Ireland, go ahead and kiss all those boys that you wanted to kiss, because your boyfriend back home is going to dump you two days after you get home. Also, hang up before he starts playing that Moby song, or else every time you hear it after that you are going to think of him.

-hang out with the Ulster Project kids more. You'll be sad when you stop. And keep in contact with the ones in Northern Ireland especially

-Although you lose your virginity at a good time in life, don't be afraid to lose it a little earlier to the same person. You won't be doing anything wrong, and it will probably help your relationship

-Don't have phone sex with that one guy

-Don't gain 20-30 pounds in your first two years of college! please!!!!

Love

Barb

[b i o n i c]

self: get ideas from that dandyfoppers girl.

[cosmo105]

Dear Jessica,

You're pretty awesome! And you're cute too, so stop self-loathing. Don't give a crap about the assholes at school. They're going to stay in that shithole town their whole lives and have babies at 18 (y)

Get into peer counseling instead of Drama. Stupid alkie Ms. Kolb will make your life miserable.

DON'T QUIT KARATE. Get your black belt. Keep doing it.

Stay away from:

Dustin (turns out he's gay), Seth (ESPECIALLY HIM), Stephen (he's gay too), David, Michael, Jeremy, Jay, David #2, Scott, and Collin. and if a guy from florida ever starts talking to you, tell him he's ugly and never speak to him again.

In a year, your life's going to change forever. I couldn't tell you how or why, but just be prepared - it'll all be different one day.

Don't stress too much about it when it does, though. Just focus on school and FOR GOD'S SAKE GO TO UCSD. Don't stay home.

Spend more time out with your friends. You'll regret it if you don't.

Don't hang out at second street so much.

Shave it into a 'hawk now, because you're not going to be able to later.

When you go to cal poly that one day with tony (he has a girlfriend, but she's a bitch so it's okay) and you're making out by the pond there, don't take off your shoes because a spider is going to give you a gnarly-ass bite on the foot and you won't be able to walk for 3 days.

Don't run in creepers. Don't buy them at all, actually.

Get on the BBMB. Find a guy named Mr. Boomin' Granny. Lure him in. Then never sign onto it again.


xoxo

You

[ToucanSpam]

Dear Patrick,

Hello, this is yourself in six years time writing to yourself...well, myself. A couple of things I want to point out ahead of time now so you don't wind up such a cynical, hateful bastard when you hit twenty:

-First of all, don't let the preps push you around. The truth is they know it gets to you. If you are going to pick a time in your life that you SHOULD act like you don't care about what anyone says, pick now insted of later when people start telling you they care, because before you know it, they leave.

-You will make mistakes. Lots of them. When you hit 17, the biggest event in your life will happen and you have no control over it. It isn't your fault, it's part of life, and for gods sake remember the good memories and dont dwell on the loss. When people ask you if youre alright, dont tell them lies.

-Suck it up and go date girls, even if social circumstances tell you that they are out of your league. The truth is, they aren't and you don't even know it. If a popular girl catches your eye, and they will, and if you happen to catch yours, and they will, don't do nothing. Be confident and don't let stupid things hold you back.

-As hard as you work in school now, keep working hard and don't stop. You will be extremely successful in scholastics, but don't ever settle for being 'one of the best'; just go for 'the best'. You'll understand why when you hit twenty.

-Loosen up.

-Don't give up on your faith in God. Even though it's trendy to 'believe in nothing' or be 'aethiest' or whatever, having your faith will give you more confidence and will help you deal with tough times. And remember, God will always forgive you for your mistakes (as will people) if you ask, and it will understand. If it does not, then it is not God and you shouldn't worry about asking for his forgiveness.

-Don't forget to say goodbye to any friends. You'll regret it.

[monkey]

dear 14 year old paulina,

things happen in your life at weird times. for now, enjoy your childhood. in almost 10 years, you're gonna need to good memories of the long, problem-free childhood you had. mr marks is not that important, but running keep you sane. be nice to him. you can run more that 5 miles and you can do it fast. all it takes is the mental push. read more. listen to ms. peterson, she knows your potential. dont talk back to mami and tell her you love her even when she makes you cry. you are not ugly and you're gonna grow into a beautiful, smart woman. play more soccer. make the doctors listen to you, not the other way around. dont forget to have fun, lots and lots of fun. oh, and dont change the way things happened otherwise you may not end up like me... through it all, we ended up in a pretty nice place at 23. Let's hope 33 has even more zanyness in store.

love, me.

[insertnamehere]

i dont really remember much from around 14, and all my major regrets in life started at 18 so i'm writing a letter to 18 year old me

dear me: work more hours and be more careful with your money, you're gonna need that shit to pay for school. dont sign up to take calc over the summer, i promise. also, dont get that credit card.

you're gonna meet this great guy. he's right about your potential, and he's right to push you. listen to him. dont act super clingy and psychotic, he doesnt like that. work much, much harder in school, if you don't, you'll dig yourself a hole thats almost impossible to get out of. dont stop taking birth control just cause you dont wanna go to the gynecologist cause the condom is gonna fall off and you're gonna have to take the morning after pill and it makes you really sick and pretty much sucks. and dont get him a cat for his birthday because you'll end up not being able to take care of him and having to give him away and it will break both your hearts. and umm.... dont get that haircut. bad idea.

[zorra_chiflada]

dear 14 year old susan,

christ almighty, you need to eat something. and by something, i mean more than a few celery sticks. do you think anyone gives a shit how skinny you are? don't be so upset about not having friends, it's just the shitty place where you live and the shitty school you go to. in a year's time you'll have a group of friends that will completely fuck you in the ass. so appreciate the solitude. keep up the fucking hard work next year. DON'T SLACK OFF. school is more important than your asshole friends. if you keep working hard, you can do good courses in college, and make something of your life. you're smart enough for it. don't fucking waste it by getting drunk every weekend. tell that asshole to go fuck himself, and don't associate yourself with him. your father is right about him. get along with your parents. they are always there for you and will love you no matter what. they are not your enemy, they only want what's best for you. and they are right. as you get to be my age, you will realise that.
oh, hey also, if you find a guy you like don't have sex with him. just don't do it. it doesn't fucking matter if everyone else is doing it. fuck them. they are idiots for doing it. you don't need that shit.
girls at school are bullying you? punch their fucking teeth out. your father taught you how to punch when you were eight. he didn't do that for nothing!
and yeah, just chill. listen to some hip hop. get a job. even if it seems hard, keep fucking trying.

[Auton]

i think you just scared the crap out of your 14 year old self

[dancin2beasties]

hello 8th grade self.

while you have time - read some of Stewart O'Nan's novels. his son will be your boyfriend in a few years. especially "Snow Angels", cause when he tells you they're making a movie out of it you will feel bad when you dont know what its about.

enjoy school being easy. you actually have to work to get grades in highschool. do better freshman year. we're not lookin at some great options for colleges right now. just dont be lazy, you're smart enough. you'll have a nephew and 2 neices by the time you're my age. I know you're 16 years apart, but try to email your sister every once in awhile. you'll regret it when you learn she emails your other sister every day but not you.

end of volleyball tryouts sophmore year: when you learn you've made varsity.. GO HOME. go to the locker room. leave the gym. anything. dont stick around to play another game. you will fall and partially dislocate your shoulder. if you do that anyway, TELL SOMEONE. dont serve with it and let it happen 2 more times before it gets to the point where you cant shove it back in by yourself and your whole season just goes to hell.

thats about it. enjoy life.
16 year old you.

(ps. dont go on the 8th grade sewer field trip, trust me.)

[Schmeltz]

Dear Schmeltz,

Religion is bullshit. Get out now. It will be about four more years before you're really convinced and by that time you'll have pissed away lots of time and opportunities, and you will regret it very strongly. Religion has nothing to offer you. Tell them all to fuck off.

Do not clown around on the stage in drama class just because you are bored one day a year from now. Trust me.

Work harder in school. You are currently developing habits that will cause you a lot of nuisance in the future. Maybe if you weren't so lazy then, I wouldn't be so lazy now. But then again, who's to say?

For Christ's sake go talk to some girls.

Sincerely,
Schmeltz

[M.C. Guevera]

Dear Steven,

Hello, this is you in 2006. Just wanted to give you some words of advice since I'm sure you're dying to hear it:

-When Clarissa says she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, just let it go. Move on. Don't mope and whine. It'll save you a lot, and I mean ALOT of trouble if you just move on. 8th Grade will be alot better if you just move on. Trust me.

-Just because you listen to Rage Against The Machine doesn't mean you know shit about politics. So don't try and talk politics with other people just because you heard "Guerilla Radio" for the 900th time this morning. You'll just end up looking like an jackass AND an idiot!

-Don't be embarass to listen to Public Enemy just because they're old school. Download every song you can because they'll become one of your all-time favorite groups. As a matter of fact, you're going to start listening to more and more old school and underground rap because you'll become tired of the mainstream. By 2006, you'll turn into a hardcore Beastie Boys fan because you decided to expand your musical horizons, and it paid off big. Don't be afraid to listen to classic rock either, since you'll find you actually like Jimi Hendrix and The Beatles.

-You may think Quarashi sucks now, but in a few months, you'll hear "Mr. Jinx" for the first time, and you'll instantly fall in love with the band. By 2006, you'll become Quarashi's #1 fan. I'm serious.

-Limp Bizkit aren't as great as you think they are.

-Your sense of humour will change dramatically real soon. In a few years, you'll be able to crack really funny jokes, and make people laugh. Stop being shy, and show people who you really are.

-Cut down on the soda. Don't drink 3 cups of coke during dinner. Try 1 cup instead. Start drinking water regulary. It really does taste good. Especially Crystal water.

-The WWF hasn't gotten better. Also, their name is now WWE. They've done some good stuff, but overall, they're still pretty shitty.

-7th Grade was really fucking awesome. I want you to remember that.

-I know things suck for you now, but trust me, they WILL get better. Once you graduate from Our Lady Of Fatima, things will start to get really good really fast starting with the weekend after you graduate when you see Mystery Science Theater 3000 for the first time. The next 6 months of 2002 will be awesome and the good times will end on March 15, 2003. The rest of 2003 will suck, let me warn you, and Charlie will betray you, I'm sad to say. But things will get REALLY good once again starting on March 9, 2004 at 12:45 a.m. Okay, so things will be sucky for a few more weeks after March 9th, but come April 24, 2004, the good times will start again, and won't stop until January 31, 2005 (there's a few shitty moments during that timeframe though). Then 2005 will suck and the beginning of 2006 will suck too, but things are looking up as I write this letter. So all hope is not lost. Just thought I let you know that you don't have to kill yourself because you will have some damn good times in the upcoming years.

-And you'll meet some really foxy ladies in the upcoming years too. Girls that are hotter and smarter than Clarissa or Jessica combined.

So, don't kill yourself.

Sincerly,
Steven

[burbboi]

to me at 14:



Stop taking piano lessons and sell it for a drum kit. Heidi hates playing anyways and Frau Finta just gives us shit all the time. It sucks.

Don't try getting with Chantal or Sherri.

Read more books

If you hear about 'shrooms' or 'acid'. ONLY TRY SHROOMS


that is all.

[kaiser soze]

huffing paint was a baaad idea

thanks for the muscle spasms

[jackrock]

dear me,

...




you suck.

[kaiser soze]

that's sad

I pray you're on prozac

[Freebasser]

Dear me, let's look at this from the top:

You're boring, you post inane crap, and as such your retorts are invariably boring and crap.

Seriously, shut up and I might not have to keep highlighting what a feeble cock-sucker you are.

[b i o n i c]

Dear me, let's look at this from the top:
You're boring, you post inane crap, and as such your retorts are invariably boring and crap.
Seriously, shut up and I might not have to keep highlighting what a feeble cock-sucker you are.


awww freeb you no nice. you can do better than that

[vickista]

dear 14 year old me,

at 13 your life is pretty shitty and it looks like your going nowhere. you've decided after much persuasion from ericlee and other board members to cut the alcohol, good for u! now cut out the rest of the shit,face ur sister -give her a bit of a beating and see how the cunt likes that!- focus harder than ever on your studies, and 14 should be a blast!

love,

13 yr old me.

[Ace42X]

Seriously, shut up and I might not have to keep highlighting what a feeble cock-sucker you are.

Hmmm, not only can you not come up with a decent retort, but you then decide to take it to another thread and make a pseudo-retort which only proves the point further.

I am not sure if you thought that would be clever or funny, but you were wrong on both accounts. Nice experiment with irony though, let me know how that is progressing.

[vickista]

Hmmm, not only can you not come up with a decent retort, but you then decide to take it to another thread and make a pseudo-retort which only proves the point further.

I am not sure if you thought that would be clever or funny, but you were wrong on both accounts. Nice experiment with irony though, let me know how that is progressing.

you're a really critical little kid aren't you. who's got ur dick in pressure cooker? or were you always so uptight?

[ggirlballa]

dear me,

hhhhhmmmm start concentrating on the important stuff, speak out and don't let your voice be drowned, lose that felling that evrybody's watching u. hhhmmm keep pursing your dreams and believe that it will happen some day, if u try hard enough.hhhhhmmm...................be happy!:D

[Jmoney77]

Surpisingly i read it all, nice very nice. Makes you think huh? I could tell you really put alot of thought into it maybe been thinking about it for a while. Well best of luck to you!

[ggirlballa]

. who's got ur dick in pressure cooker? ?


:eek: ouch!

[Documad]

Leave Job's Daughters, but not until after the duckie picnic.
Stop hanging out with Mary and Patti. And for god's sake stay away from Carol!
When Steve asks you to the Queen concert, don't laugh.
Don't drive with Dave when he's been drinking and don't drink at ski club.
Stop Kathy from marrying Tom.
Visit George.
Choir is a complete waste of time.
Don't give Shannon Superstar Barbie, quick-curl barbie, mod hair Ken, Julia, or the Barbie airplane. She won't appreciate them and someday they could be your house payment.
Save your Creem magazines.
Don't buy the Rocky t-shirt.
Humor grandma and take down her life's story. It's not as lame as you think and she's correct -- you're going to do a lot of writing someday. And you don't have long.
When you go to camp, don't trust mom and dad to feed April. Leave her at Laurie's house. :(

You're right. You really are smarter than just about everyone. But you still need to get some sleep and show up for school. Stay in Spanish.

And get dad to a doctor.

[Ace42X]

you're a really critical little kid aren't you. who's got ur dick in pressure cooker? or were you always so uptight?

Children say the funniest things!

On a serious note, though, that retort was 20x better than anything Freebaser has come up with. Freebie, you should be taking notes.

[Documad]

A dick in a pressure cooker isn't a good retort. The pressure cooker needs to seal and it takes some time to get it going. A dick in a george foreman grill makes more sense. But that also doesn't make one uptight. A stick up the butt is still the best saying to express that.

[Ace42X]

A dick in a pressure cooker isn't a good retort.

Yes, I know, and even so, still 20x better...

A dick in a george foreman grill makes more sense.

Stripey. Which reminds me of an anecdote from my housemate's brother which involved menstruation and "a dick like a barber's pole."

[Sarky Devotchka]

dear 14 year old me,

It's not a tragedy when someone else has the same shoes as you. Go out with that Tommy Taylor when he asks you to go to a hockey game, his skin clears up next year and by junior year he's one of the hottest guys in school. When Matt Allen asks you over to his house to study, go. No one will ever ask you out again in high school, but don't worry, the boys you like will ultimately turn out to be losers and/or get some chick pregnant.

Never have sleepovers in the living room, stay in your room with the door locked and tell your mom to get a divorce.

Don't be afraid of people, talk to them. Don't be afraid to take more AP classes. For the love of God, don't get bangs...until you know how to handle them.

love,
26 year old me

[Medellia]

Hey kiddo, it's you from the future. Just got a couple bits of advice for you:
Keep in contact with Randa in the summer of '99. At the very least you'll have even more good memories with her. Maybe you can even stop her from going to that party.

Dump Thomas as soon as Jay and Space break up. You'll save yourself a lot of embarassment.

Make out with Space sometime you loser, don't wait for him to make the first move, by then it'll be too late.

I'm not going to say do your homework, because if you did you would have no life. But do more work in class.

Don't take Creative Writing!

Don't take Cometitive Drama! Actually, take it, it was fun. One F won't hurt ya too much.

Go on that trip to the UK after graduation. Yes, it's a package trip, and teachers will be there and you won't have as much fun, but you'll start to regret it after a couple of years.

Go to college! In England!

[vickista]

A dick in a pressure cooker isn't a good retort. The pressure cooker needs to seal and it takes some time to get it going. A dick in a george foreman grill makes more sense. But that also doesn't make one uptight. A stick up the butt is still the best saying to express that.

you'll be next to get one of my retorts!

[vickista]

Children say the funniest things!

On a serious note, though, that retort was 20x better than anything Freebaser has come up with. Freebie, you should be taking notes.


;)

[b i o n i c]

(y)

[trailerprincess]

Dear princess

Here's a few tips for you as you wander around suburbia looking like a big old scaredy cat that you are.

- You might be surprised to know that the girls you hang around with at school are still your best girl pals. In fact, you had them round to dinner last night. Yes, you cooked dinner for you friends, in your own flat, and drank wine which none of you had to sneak out from your parents cellars or buy with some dodgy looking ID. Those girls are still as wonderful now as they are when you're 14. Though the hairstyles has definitely improved and we have all discovered how to pluck our eyebrows.

- Stick with what you are good at in school. You will never be a maths genius but you'll get it in the end. Though German sucks and you struggle with the grammar, you'll meet a German boy when you are about 26 who will be impressed with your knowledge, which will result in another crush.

- Talking of crushes, get used to them as you have a lot over the next 14 years too. And unrequited love. And fancying all the wrong blokes. But the good news is that your natural cynicism which is blossoming right now will be fully fledged, thus preventing any actual pain being caused by any of the aforementioned crush disasters.

- You will grow to be best friends with your sister. I know it might seem hard to believe but its true.

- Keep all your gig tickets and flyers. You'll regret it otherwise.

- When Justin, the boy you like in your first year at uni, asks you out. Don't say no. You'll kick yourself for ever. Same with Tom who you meet in your first job. Most of the other blokes you do end up with pale in comparison. Sad but true, so deal.

- Do not decide to stay at work instead of accepting that place for your MA. You are swapping a life of something interesting, for something not so interesting.

- As for your vices, you'll have them for sure, but try and get them out of your system before you have a proper job. Please!

- When your brother offers you a ticket to go and see a band called The Libertines, JUST SAY YES. It'll be a defining moment in music and you cannot miss it.

There's loads more I could say, but quite frankly, a few fuck ups on the way will make the road more interesting.

Cheerio

P

[iceygirl]

hey you, here are some useful tips you can use on your adventures into the future-

continue having a good time and enjoy yourself before life gets serious and you have to grow up and become a adult. you could work a little bit more at school instead of just breezing through it. you have the ability to do that now, but when you go to college, you seriously have to work and if you don't start now it will be very hard when you go to college.

keep in mind that mom and dad are smart people and know what they are talking about. just ask mom to sit down and talk to you about boys. if she can't have that conversation with you, ask stacie or some other mature woman to talk to you about young guys/relationships/sex.

dont quit playing the cello.

i guess thats it! have fun sweetie!

[Lex Diamonds]

Dear Me

In April 2006 when somebody on the Beastie Boys message board makes a thread about writing a letter to your 14 year old self, remember to write a generic faux-witty response.

Lots of Love
You

[alexandra]

hey Alex, this is how things might, or will, look in two years. you obviously need some guidance. and remember that this is from yourself, so you better believe every word.

stop acting like a noob already. what are you, 14? GET OFF THE BBMB DAMNIT. study more. way more. do you even know what study means? you have to work your ass off in high school to get somewhere. yes, people keep telling you that all the time, BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. you'll see. it'll be over in a few years, so get your shit together NOW. i know you're not sure what you wanna do with your life, or even what to study in high school, but don't worry about it. lol, you're gonna turn into a big chemistry nerd next year. just don't sniff too much in class.

your current asthma problems will turn out to be a rare tumour in your right main bronchus. yeah i know, who would've thought. get the shit removed asap before it gets too big and causes too much damage. don't wait 'til you start coughing blood. and don't be scared. you'll go through a lot of shit, but also gain great experience you can't buy. be grateful to everyone who tries/wants to help you.

do whatcha wanna do. make music, write songs ... develop your talents. keep listen to real music. and don't worry about your current "buddies". next year you'll meet Simon, Marie and Niklas. and remember that weird kid Calle you used to dance with when you were nine? you're gonna be best friends, even have sex. trust him from the beginning. and don't worry about nothing.

i think that was all. you'll have to see the rest yourself.

NOW GET YOUR ASS OFF THE BOARD.

/Alex

[mickill]

Dear Me,

On Apr 12th, 2006, please play the following lotto numbers: 11, 13, 23, 45, 47, 56

Trust me....er, us.


Love,

You

[Freebasser]

Hmmm, not only can you not come up with a decent retort, but you then decide to take it to another thread and make a pseudo-retort which only proves the point further.

I am not sure if you thought that would be clever or funny, but you were wrong on both accounts. Nice experiment with irony though, let me know how that is progressing.

Well, let me explain it for you...

This is a thread about what you would tell your 14 year old self. My 14 year old self would probably appreciate remarks about, say, cocksucking because it would all be very novel to me, but as I'm now 21 with a girlfriend, I don't really need to think about it any more.

However, your obsession with remarks about cock-sucking, vaginal intercourse, and menstruation (sometimes combined), all of which make up around 90% of your posts in BF, suggest to me that you don't get to experience much in the way of sexual activity. They do say those who talk about it most rarely do it.

It also occurs to me that you're obsessed with my body, seeing as how many of the remarks about cocks and dicks and penises in general are thrown my way. Would you like to see me suck cock? Is there something you're not telling us? Spit it out, Ace ;)

[cookiepuss]

Dear Sara Jane cookiepuss:

you don't know what cookiepuss is yet, but you will. Start listening to the beastie boys NOW. Don't wait until college to get into them like I did. you will love them. Stop listening to shitty ass pop, I know my folks have crappy taste in music and didn't teach you any better, but you don't have to be like them. you're on the right track with the steve miller band...keep going. And that stupid country phase you go through...skip it. stick to classic country like willie, waylon and Johnny- dad at least had that right.

Speaking of Dad...why don't you talk to him more? I know he's quite but he cares about your problems too. Stop running to mom, dad has good advice about men too. Ask dad more questions about what he was like when he was younger and what he's learned about life. you aren't going to get a chance to ask later. get closer to him now.

I know you don't think you'll ever have a boyfriend..but you will meet him very soon and you will love him and go out with him for a very long time. Don't let his mom get to you, she's a cold bitch and you are and awesome girl...she should be happy her son found such a nice gal. Don't be so sure you're going to marry him, people do change. and you are going to change the most.

all in all, I wouldn't want you to do too many things differntly...because then I wouldn't be who I am today. you are a good kid, you get good grades, you are creative. and people like you lot more than you realize but you aren't open to them because you think you are a dork.

take care,

me, myself and I

[Friis gal]

Look
You are in a nice school now, like it! Be happy for what you got.
After 9th grade, look for a good 10th grade, were you can get the hang on math and some spelling. Your spelling will probably always suck, so get used to it.
Be your self, and do your thing.

[Ace42X]

This is a thread about what you would tell your 14 year old self. My 14 year old self would probably appreciate remarks about, say, cocksucking because it would all be very novel to me, but as I'm now 21 with a girlfriend, I don't really need to think about it any more.

Aside from an excuse to try and justify your lameness with the "I have a girlfriend, she thinks I'm cool" cliché, what is your point? I am well aware that you were playing around with irony, as I said. Perhaps you even read me say as much in the post you quoted. The fact remains that it was pretty pathetic.

However, your obsession with remarks about cock-sucking, vaginal intercourse, and menstruation (sometimes combined), all of which make up around 90% of your posts in BF, suggest to me that you don't get to experience much in the way of sexual activity.

Perhaps you should have another look at my posts in Beasties-Free, if that is the impression you get. I think someone without a rather feeble axe to grind would say otherwise. Of course, as all your posts are devoid of any content, I could see how you think someone actually talking about a subject (or even more than one, combined!) would be "obsessive."

And as for "suggesting" I don't have much sexual activity, me not having to boast about it at length in the "I fucked a beastie board member!" thread, or in a lame-ass retort as above doesn't mean I'm a virgin, it just means I'm not an insecure little bitch.

They do say those who talk about it most rarely do it.

You might have a point, when it comes to cock-sucking. In other news, Ms Peachy actually the virgin mary. :rolleyes:

It also occurs to me that you're obsessed with my body, seeing as how many of the remarks about cocks and dicks and penises in general are thrown my way.

Maybe that is because you are so desperate to try and come up with something, anything, to retort, that you have taken to ignoring the basics of spoken English?

I was calling *you* a cock, prick, cock-sucker, choad, etc. I was not talking about YOUR genitalia. There is a distinct difference there, most kids over the age of 6 know that playground distinction.

Would you like to see me suck cock?

I do it every time I see you post here, seeing it in full motion technicolour is more than I could stomach. Precisely how much YOU can stomach is probably something better left for the fellatio thread.

Your retorts are getting longer, but not better. Quality, not content! Think!

[Freebasser]

I was calling *you* a cock, prick, cock-sucker, choad, etc. I was not talking about YOUR genitalia. There is a distinct difference there, most kids over the age of 6 know that playground distinction.

I'm asking why you, a 23 year old of supposed high intelligence, still resorts to using name-calling at your age, focusing primarily on terms such as 'cock-sucker'.

[Ace42X]

I'm asking why you, a 23 year old of supposed high intelligence, still resorts to using name-calling at your age, focusing primarily on terms such as 'cock-sucker'.

Two reasons:

Firstly, you missed the line at the end of that rant that said "This rant is brought to you courtesy of Bill Hicks." It was practically a verbatim transcript, animal sounds, and "I'm moving to another forum (France)" as well. But don't worry, there are plenty of superficial bland posts here for you to criticise without missing the entire point. I can see why you, particularly, would be reluctant to elevate the discourse.

Secondly, because you *are* a cock-sucker. While I seem to have an (unfounded) reputation for hyper-verbosity, I do so for the sake of precision. I suppose I could call you a felator, or oral-penis stimulator, or dig up some obtuse slang term from the 1920s, but quite frankly, I am not that pompous. Cock-sucker is as accurate and precise a term to describe your entirety as there is. I could go on at length, catergorising and emphasising your many faults, but that is where shooting fish in a barrel becomes collecting the fish together, and buying a shotgun in the first place.

[b i o n i c]

more letters to 14 year old selves. less sword-fighting.

[Ace42X]

more letters to 14 year old selves. less sword-fighting.

Quite right, jumping threads with a bitch is terribly bad form.

(one of several post-it notes, rather than letter form.)

Dear me aged 14,
When you are 17, and REALLY drunk with Ian and Tristan, under no circumstances must you get on a shopping trolley and try to ride it down a hill. It will always end badly.

[Cooky Puss]

Dear 14 year old Noekie,

I'm sorry to tell you that almost 7 years from now you will not have changed at all. You are still overweight and insecure, not knowing to do with your future and you will still be craving love, only by that time you will know how it is to lose it.
A little advice if you want it to change:
Stay in school, ask for help, talk to people, go out a little more, play your bass, don't lose track of your friends...
But ofcourse, you won't take advice from anyone and figure you will find it all out on your own. Well you will, but you won't be happy about it.
Now go back to listening to your Blur albums and block out every word you just read.

[Drederick Tatum]

Dear Drederick,

hit that shit.

Love Drederick

[b i o n i c]

yeah, self...

take these peoples' advice here


Be mature about it and for god's sake don't tell you hate her. You'll break her heart and something inside you will die.



Never have sleepovers in the living room, stay in your room with the door locked
... Don't be afraid of people, talk to them. Don't be afraid to take more AP classes.



I'm not going to say do your homework, because if you did you would have no life. But do more work in class
... Go to college! In England!


Stick with what you are good at in school. You will never be a maths genius but you'll get it in the end... Talking of crushes, get used to them as you have a lot over the next 14 years too. And unrequited love. And fancying all the wrong <chicks>... Keep all your gig tickets and flyers. You'll regret it otherwise.


On Apr 12th, 2006, please play the following lotto numbers: 11, 13, 23, 45, 47, 56 Trust me....er, us.



continue having a good time and enjoy yourself before life gets serious and you have to grow up and become a adult. you could work a little bit more at school instead of just breezing through it. you have the ability to do that now, but when you go to college, you seriously have to work and if you don't start now it will be very hard when you go to college.

keep in mind that mom and dad are smart people and know what they are talking about.

... dont quit playing the <instrument>.



GET OFF THE BBMB DAMNIT. study more. way more. do you even know what study means? you have to work your ass off in high school to get somewhere. yes, people keep telling you that all the time, BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. you'll see. it'll be over in a few years, so get your shit together NOW. i know you're not sure what you wanna do with your life, or even what to study in high school, but don't worry about it.

... be grateful to everyone who tries/wants to help you.

do whatcha wanna do. make music, write songs ... develop your talents. keep listen to real music. and don't worry about your current "buddies".

...NOW GET YOUR ASS OFF THE BOARD.


focus harder than ever on your studies, and 14 should be a blast!


... Choir is a complete waste of time.
... Don't buy the Rocky t-shirt.
Humor grandma and take down her life's story. It's not as lame as you think and she's correct -- you're going to do a lot of writing someday. And you don't have long.

... You're right. You really are smarter than just about everyone. But you still need to get some sleep and show up for school.

And for god's sake stay away from Carol!



enjoy school being easy. you actually have to work to get grades in highschool. do better freshman year. we're not lookin at some great options for colleges right now. just dont be lazy, you're smart enough.

... you will fall and partially dislocate your shoulder. if you do that anyway, TELL SOMEONE. dont serve with it and let it happen 2 more times before it gets to the point where you cant shove it back in by yourself

(ps. dont go on the 8th grade sewer field trip, trust me.)


For Christ's sake go talk to some girls.



-When <name> says <she> doesn't want to be your <girlfriend>, just let it go. Move on. Don't mope and whine. It'll save you a lot, and I mean ALOT of trouble if you just move on.

... Start drinking water regulary. It really does taste good.

... Just thought I let you know that you don't have to kill yourself because you will have some damn good times in the upcoming years.


Read more books

If you hear about 'shrooms' or 'acid'. ONLY TRY SHROOMS



Also, actually try and learn French at school, you're actually pretty good at it and you'll wish you were fluent when you leave.



- Try harder in the drama area. You aren't a bad <actor>, but be more serious about preparing for auditions and get the roles that you know you would rock butts at.



DON'T QUIT KARATE. Get your black belt. Keep doing it.

... In a year, your life's going to change forever. I couldn't tell you how or why, but just be prepared - it'll all be different one day.



When people ask you if youre alright, dont tell them lies.

-Suck it up and go date girls, even if social circumstances tell you that they are out of your league. The truth is, they aren't and you don't even know it. If a popular girl catches your eye, and they will, and if you happen to catch yours, and they will, don't do nothing. Be confident and don't let stupid things hold you back.

... Loosen up.

-Don't give up on your faith in God. Even though it's trendy to 'believe in nothing' or be 'aethiest' or whatever, having your faith will give you more confidence and will help you deal with tough times.

... Don't forget to say goodbye to any friends. You'll regret it.


things happen in your life at weird times. for now, enjoy your childhood. in almost 10 years, you're gonna need to good memories of the long, problem-free childhood you had. mr marks is not that important, but running keep you sane. be nice to him. you can run more that 5 miles and you can do it fast. all it takes is the mental push. read more... dont talk back to mami and tell her you love her even when she makes you cry. ... play more soccer. make the doctors ... dont forget to have fun, lots and lots of fun.


work more hours and be more careful with your money, you're gonna need that shit to pay for school ... dont get that credit card.

you're gonna meet this great <girl>. she's right about your potential, and he's right to push you. listen to him ... and umm.... dont get that haircut. bad idea.


make something of your life. you're smart enough for it. don't fucking waste it by getting drunk every weekend ... get along with your parents. they are always there for you and will love you no matter what. they are not your enemy, they only want what's best for you. and they are right. as you get to be my age, you will realise that.
... and yeah, just chill. listen to some hip hop. get a job. even if it seems hard, keep fucking trying.


DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT BUY ...
...Emerson Lake and Palmer- Brain Salad Surgery
...Heck, don't ... start smoking. Your parents are going to find out and they'll hate your guts.

AND FOR HEAVENS SAKE STOP LOOKING <AT> PICTURES OF JENNY MCCARTHEY


... people do change. and you are going to change the most.


ask for help, talk to people, go out a little more, play your bass, don't lose track of your friends...



Be your self, and do your thing.



... Stop eating paint chips. Seriously. Stop.

Your Number One Fan,


- me.


ps this dude VV jackrock VV says he sucks at some point i think

[jackrock]

yeah, self...

take these peoples' advice here






me.
hey! what about mine?!

[b i o n i c]

am i right?

[DIGI]

Dear Lil Randy,

Please put your dick down for a minute and practice more hoops so you won't get booted from your college team.

Thanks,
Big Randy

[hpdrifter]

Heya little slip,

You're a freshman in high school and I know you're thinking the people at this school are so different from you. Just be who you are and don't try to fit in. Don't try to wear the clothes they wear, just wear what you like. And don't worry about money or where you live or how you look. You're not going to be prom queen, you're not going to date Ian or TJ. Let's just get that out of the way now so you can stop worrying about it.

In fact, you won't date at all in high school so you might as well just stop worrying about that now too.

You'll go to a couple of parties, but not big ones and not with the cool people, so just forget about all of that meaningless crap. You'll get to all of that stuff eventually.

Concentrate on the things that you like and don't worry so much about being cool. Oh, and go out for track. Everyone makes the track team.

Be nicer to your sister and be more aware of what she's thinking. You're going through the same thing at the same time and later you'll be surprised at all of the things she tells you.

Just chill out in general, you worry too much. You're a good kid, you work hard, and you're doing the best you can.

Oh, and start playing guitar now. If you don't do anything else, you must do that.

-Your super hot 28 year old self.

[kll]

Dear Ker,
While you appear to be too concerned with your "reputation", I would like to give you the go-ahead to have sex with Sean H. He is super hot, you know it, he knows it, everyone knows it and you will continue to think about him for at least the next 18 years, so just DO IT! If I happen to catch you before the incident in the back of the Bronco - don't get into the Bronco! Dad will find you back there after the neighbor complains about it shaking. Please don't lose interest in the horses either. Boys will always be around, the horses won't. Oh, and Bon Jovi sucks ass.

[hardnox71]

Kal,

what's up, man? I am you in about 21 years. I'm gonna tell you some shit so listen up.

First of all, when you finally graduate highschool, do not, I repeat DO NOT take a year off to 'get your shit together' before going on to college. It will prove to be one of your biggest mistakes.

In about two years you are going to meet Stacy. She will mess your head up pretty good for a long time. Don't fuck with her. She's the one that jaded you.

Skip all the bullshit with the Dragons. The only thing you learned running around with them was new criminal activities. Be a man and stand on your own two feet. A man is more respected when he stands alone, anyway.

One night, someone is gonna offer you some powder. It's called cocaine. Don't do it. That will also prove to be one of your biggest mistakes. That shit will dominate you for many, many years.

In your early twenties you are gonna meet a girl named Heather and after about eight years you guys are gonna have a beautiful little girl named Kalysta. These two people are the center of your life, your world and your universe. Only, at the time, you will be too gotdamned self centered and stupid to see it. You will lose them both if you are not careful. Do whatever you have to do to keep that from happening. With losing them, you will also lose yourself.

These are some of the most important things that are gonna happen to you in the future. They are going to shape who you become and affect the decisions you make. If you heed my advice and do as I say you should go on to live a happy, healthy life (at least up until the age of 35). If you stick with that 'I'm gonna do shit my way' mentality you better buckle up and hang on tight, my friend, because it's gonna be a long, wild ride and it's not gonna be fun.

Take care of me, man.

Kal