is it possible to be in denial...

[Bob]

...and at the same time know that you're in denial? this is related to my dog but it's kind of an interesting question so i figured it warranted a thread of it's own.

basically, if you haven't been following, my dog died monday, but i feel fine. i mean really, completely fine. it's like yeah, i miss him, i'm aware of the fact that he's gone and i'll never see him again, but it really isn't getting me down. maybe it's just because i'm in college and i haven't been home since it happened that it hasn't really sunk in yet, but i'm not even gloomy anymore. i was a little down on monday, but i wasn't about to cry or anything.

so i'm not sure if i'm still in the denial phase, or what. can i be in denial if i'm aware of the fact that i might be in denial? i think about the gravity of the situation as best as i can, but it's not really doing anything. maybe i'm already over it. it was very clear a few months before he died that he was going to go anytime now, so i've sort of been gearing up for it for quite a while. maybe i've prepared for it so well, that i've already come to terms with it or something.

but it really seems like it shouldn't be that easy. it's almost like being in denial, only i'm completely aware of the fact that i'm in denial, so i'm not actually denying anything at all. how does that work? maybe it'll sink in when i go home, or something. i don't know. i felt worse about it in the time leading up to it than i do now that it's actually happened.

[DandyFop]

I think it's just the "sink in" factor, probably. I'm actually a lot like this, I usually just don't really feel emotion untill later on, and I totally realize that I should be feeling it.

[ericlee]

I wouldn't call it denial. It's the ability to be strong and move on without the loss weighting you down and prohibiting you from being happy.

This is nothing to be guilty about. This is how your dog wants you to move on since he's left. This is also how your relatives want you to carry on as well when they have passed.

[Documad]

It's a healthy thing. You knew he was sick.

You will probably feel a little pang when you go home and he's not there. What hit me the worst was when I saw the empty bowls, but I imagine that you will be spared that.

[ms.peachy]

Just because you're not falling apart at the seams doesn't mean you are in denial. Maybe it just means that you are coping well.

When mr.p and I moved to England, we couldn't bring our dogs (quarantine laws), but some friends of ours moved into our house and were taking good care of them. So unfortunately we only got to see them a couple of times a year, and it did wiegh on me a bit that she was getting older and might develop health problems and that I would not be there for her. Over time, I did notice she was slowing down and getting a little stiffer in her movements, and then her hearing started to go, she needed to wee a bit more often, but generally, she was still really healthy - just, older.

When she died about two years ago, I had actually just been over for a visit about two weeks before. I had taken her to the vet (mr.p and I would usually take them for all of their annual visits and stuff on one of our trips back) and at that last visit, the vet told me that as far as she could tell, she was still in fine shape for her age, had no evidence of degenerative illness or anything, just maybe we needed to change her diet a bit as she was putting on a bit more weight than was desirable since her metabolism was slowing down, but otherwise, fine.

So about two weeks later when I got the call from our friend Eric that she'd died, it was somewhat surprising. Basically, he said she'd seemed a little distressed the night before, nothing major, but that if she still seemed that way in the morning, he was going to take her to the vet. But, she just never woke up in the morning. When he explained what had happened to the vet, she said it sounded like she'd probably had a stroke (or a series of small strokes); it happens in dogs just like in people. It was, as I said, surprising and of course it wasn't news I was prepared to hear, and I think it didn't entirely sink in in the first few minutes.

As I thought about it though, I was really sad, but I was also aware of feeling glad that I'd gotten to see her just before she died, and that she died quickly and quietly and painlessly in her sleep after a long, happy healthy life, which when you come right down to it is about the best that any of us can hope for.

Once or twice since then I have indeed gotten a little bit teary-eyed thinking about her, and what a funny little thing she was, and her odd silly habits and her irrational fears of plastic shopping bags, cameras, people in hats, etc. Mr.p and I will still talk about her sometimes, or occasionally she'll "visit" me and turn up in a dream, which always both really nice but leaves me a bit sad when I wake up.

But anyway, the point of this whole story (other than just me having a nice reminiscence) is that I understand what you mean about how you feel like maybe you should be more upset and does the fact that you're not mean you're burying your feelings and not acknowledging your grief, and I'd say based on my own experience that the answer is no. It's just that your grief may take you by surprise at odd moments. Like, months from now you may be out and someone will walk by you with a dog that looks just like yours and the dog will look at you and you'll swear it recognises you, and then you'll suddenly feel yourself well up, you know? And it's not like you'll fall to pieces then either, you'll just maybe need a minute to think about it, and then you go on.

[enree erzweglle]

I remember an episode of All in the Family where Archie had to deal with everything associated with Edith's death. Lots of choresy sorts of things for him to do and the whirlwind of it all, and he did it and kind of stuck it out, held it all together and was strong, unwavering.

But after the funeral & burial--I forget how much time had passed--he was looking for something under the bed and he found one of her slippers and that's when it hit him. It wasn't her death or the funeral or the burial or the wake, it was seeing her slipper.

That sort of thing has happened to me in my life and over weird (not particularly death-related) things, but little losses or changes that I grieved over nonetheless. I'll prepare for & get myself through the bulk of the thing--the thing that I prepared hard for to handle emotionally--and I'll think, "Whew, I'm glad THAT'S behind me" and then some insignificant-seeming something comes along and taps me on the shoulder and knocks me down flat. Like it's saying, "Ha! You thought you could avoid this by being strong and preparing, but even though I'm this tiny thing, I'm going to floor you anyway. Take THAT."

[Planetary]

from what i've read, i'd say you already came to terms with it and did what you had to do before your dog died. you already made peace with the fact that your dog's wouldn't be around anymore and mayby, sub conciously or not, you're pleased your he's not suffering anymore.

[Documad]

I remember an episode of All in the Family where Archie had to deal with everything associated with Edith's death. Lots of choresy sorts of things for him to do and the whirlwind of it all, and he did it and kind of stuck it out, held it all together and was strong, unwavering.

But after the funeral & burial--I forget how much time had passed--he was looking for something under the bed and he found one of her slippers and that's when it hit him. It wasn't her death or the funeral or the burial or the wake, it was seeing her slipper.

That sort of thing has happened to me in my life and over weird (not particularly death-related) things, but little losses or changes that I grieved over nonetheless. I'll prepare for & get myself through the bulk of the thing--the thing that I prepared hard for to handle emotionally--and I'll think, "Whew, I'm glad THAT'S behind me" and then some insignificant-seeming something comes along and taps me on the shoulder and knocks me down flat. Like it's saying, "Ha! You thought you could avoid this by being strong and preparing, but even though I'm this tiny thing, I'm going to floor you anyway. Take THAT."
That's what happened when my dad died. He had been in intensive care for quite a while and then we had to plan our first funeral and we're not a family that talks a lot in the best of times so it was awkward trying to make group decisions. The weekend after it was all over we were helping mom clean some things out (she insisted) and it was my dad's old white polyester tie from the 70s that was super short and fat and had a slight stain that made me lose it.

[sab0tage]

Just because you're not falling apart at the seams doesn't mean you are in denial. Maybe it just means that you are coping well.

When mr.p and I moved to England, we couldn't bring our dogs (quarantine laws), but some friends of ours moved into our house and were taking good care of them. So unfortunately we only got to see them a couple of times a year, and it did wiegh on me a bit that she was getting older and might develop health problems and that I would not be there for her. Over time, I did notice she was slowing down and getting a little stiffer in her movements, and then her hearing started to go, she needed to wee a bit more often, but generally, she was still really healthy - just, older.

When she died about two years ago, I had actually just been over for a visit about two weeks before. I had taken her to the vet (mr.p and I would usually take them for all of their annual visits and stuff on one of our trips back) and at that last visit, the vet told me that as far as she could tell, she was still in fine shape for her age, had no evidence of degenerative illness or anything, just maybe we needed to change her diet a bit as she was putting on a bit more weight than was desirable since her metabolism was slowing down, but otherwise, fine.

So about two weeks later when I got the call from our friend Eric that she'd died, it was somewhat surprising. Basically, he said she'd seemed a little distressed the night before, nothing major, but that if she still seemed that way in the morning, he was going to take her to the vet. But, she just never woke up in the morning. When he explained what had happened to the vet, she said it sounded like she'd probably had a stroke (or a series of small strokes); it happens in dogs just like in people. It was, as I said, surprising and of course it wasn't news I was prepared to hear, and I think it didn't entirely sink in in the first few minutes.

As I thought about it though, I was really sad, but I was also aware of feeling glad that I'd gotten to see her just before she died, and that she died quickly and quietly and painlessly in her sleep after a long, happy healthy life, which when you come right down to it is about the best that any of us can hope for.

Once or twice since then I have indeed gotten a little bit teary-eyed thinking about her, and what a funny little thing she was, and her odd silly habits and her irrational fears of plastic shopping bags, cameras, people in hats, etc. Mr.p and I will still talk about her sometimes, or occasionally she'll "visit" me and turn up in a dream, which always both really nice but leaves me a bit sad when I wake up.

But anyway, the point of this whole story (other than just me having a nice reminiscence) is that I understand what you mean about how you feel like maybe you should be more upset and does the fact that you're not mean you're burying your feelings and not acknowledging your grief, and I'd say based on my own experience that the answer is no. It's just that your grief may take you by surprise at odd moments. Like, months from now you may be out and someone will walk by you with a dog that looks just like yours and the dog will look at you and you'll swear it recognises you, and then you'll suddenly feel yourself well up, you know? And it's not like you'll fall to pieces then either, you'll just maybe need a minute to think about it, and then you go on.

I had things to say, but I do take the time to read other peoples posts before throwing in my comments. I don't have much to add to the above, it makes sense and is told in a very eloquent and heart warming manner.

Everyone deals with stuff differently, I think you need to see how you feel when you return home.