View Full Version : The offical BBMB joke thread
mikizee
05-19-2006, 01:34 AM
yep, thats right, a jokes thread. i was too lazy to search and see if there was one already. if there is, so sue me.
what do u call a cow twitching?
beef jerky.
i have a ton of dead baby jokes, but theyre probably too offensive, seeing as peachy just popped one out n all. oh yeah, and pedophile jokes too. got a stack. for some reason i like sick jokes.
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."
Planetary
05-19-2006, 02:21 AM
what do u call a cow twitching?
beef jerky.
haha
tracky
05-19-2006, 05:41 AM
what's the best thing about fucking 21 year olds?
there's 20 of them
window seat please
"something about nailing dead babies to a fence"
Pres Zount
05-19-2006, 05:44 AM
babies in the oven and are red.
Praying Mantis
05-19-2006, 07:09 AM
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
A: One was the first man to walk on the moon, and the other fucks little boys.
CrankItUp!
05-19-2006, 07:32 AM
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older ; then it dawned on me.....they're just cramming for their final exam. :p
mikizee
05-19-2006, 09:46 AM
Why are the streets of Paris lined with Trees?
So that the Germans can march in the shade.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in the hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks around a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
Doctor Doctor! I think I've broken my leg!
Yes, I'm afraid it's a terrible break, the chances are you'll never walk again.
An Englishman, an Italian, and a German walk into a bar. The German says to the bartender: "This is an Englishman and Italian with me. I am German."
King of Rock $
05-19-2006, 09:47 AM
My best friend took off with my wife. I miss him very much.
beastiegirrl101
05-19-2006, 10:07 AM
mikeizee um, I dont get your jokes. Were they meant to be really lame.
King of Rock $
05-19-2006, 10:09 AM
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in the hospital.
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
Classic...
mikizee
05-19-2006, 10:16 AM
mikeizee um, I dont get your jokes. Were they meant to be really lame.
yes. im sorry. heres a funny one.
On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That is easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."
When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"
Blair replied, "That is easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."
So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him.
So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?
"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!" So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"
Knuckles
05-19-2006, 10:16 AM
ToucanSpam
get it? get it?
ToucanSpam
05-19-2006, 10:20 AM
You're a jerk, Knuckles.:(
mikizee
05-19-2006, 10:20 AM
mrs smith goes to her doc to get results of a test. while the doctor is perusing the results he says, 'mrs smith, do u know how to change a nappy?'
'am i pregnant?' she asks.
'no', the doc says, 'you have bowel cancer.'
Knuckles
05-19-2006, 10:22 AM
You're a jerk, Knuckles.:(
it was just a joke :(
a really old one :(
ToucanSpam
05-19-2006, 10:23 AM
it was just a joke :(
a really old one :(
I know.:(
One is the lonliest number....
mikizee
05-19-2006, 10:24 AM
i just realised something. i spelt official wrong. boy, is my face red!!!! man, whatta douche!!!
abcdefz
05-19-2006, 10:33 AM
A guy is going down on a woman at a drive-in.
Suddenly.... he tastes corn. He pulls back, and sure enough... there's a kernal of corn on his tongue.
"That's weird," he thinks. He flicks it off onto the floor of the car and goes back at it for a while...
...and tastes... mashed potatoes. Wha!? He pulls off and scrapes his tongue with his fingers.
Mashed potatoes. Ewww.
He discreetly wipes his hand on the seat and eyes the girl, whose eyes are closed. He's wary, but she's looking good, and she's moving her hips, so he figures "what the hell?" and goes down on her again, wondering if maybe he should concentrate solely on the clit or something --
-- when suddenly he gets a chunk of meat in his mouth. He pulls it out -- it's fucking chewed up STEAK!
He yells,
"GIRL! What's WRONG with you!? Are you SICK!?"
She replies sweetly, "No... but the guy before you was."
HEIRESS
05-19-2006, 10:37 AM
GROSSIE JOSIE!
abcdefz
05-19-2006, 10:51 AM
Leper walks into a bar, sits down.
Bartender looks at the guy. He's clearly in bad shape -- open, running sores; skin falling off; the awful smell of rotting flesh; the works.
He slaps a fiver on the bar and asks for a beer. His breath smells like death itself. The bartender looks at the guy's yellow, begging eyes and figures "do the guy a favor." He draws him a beer.
The leper smiles -- blackened teeth! -- and accepts the mug. Puts it to his lips and belts it back; bartender swears his upper lip fell into the mug and got washed down -- he bends over behind the bar and just manages to land his vomit in the bus pan.
Bartender stands back up and looks at the leper --
-- and sees another five dollar bill there, and the leper's begging eyes. The bartender considers this, then figures -- "what the hell." He grabs a fresh mug so he doesn't have to touch the leper's, draws another beer, and hands it over.
The leper is over joyed. He toasts the bartender, raises the glass to his remaining lip, tosses it back. A fold in his sore-blotched neck opens, and something viscuous starts freely running. The bartender turns and pukes again, then comes back up for air --
-- and there's another five dollar bill on the bar, but he's had enough. "I'm sorry, buddy, I can't -- "
"No no!" the leper says, "I don't want another beer. It's a tip, it's for you. I know I was making you sick and all, and most people won't even let me in, let alone serve me, so I just -- "
"No no no!" the bartender says, "It wasn't you! It was the drunk guy behind you using your back for bean dip!"
The Notorious LOL
05-19-2006, 11:03 AM
what's the best thing about fucking 21 year olds?
there's 20 of them
yeah this joke works if you say it aloud or type "twenty one".
HEIRESS
05-19-2006, 11:05 AM
a-z :(
abcdefz
05-19-2006, 11:06 AM
:D
...okay; I'm done now.
beastiegirrl101
05-19-2006, 11:07 AM
bean dip?
abcdefz
05-19-2006, 11:09 AM
Bean dip.
beastiegirrl101
05-19-2006, 11:09 AM
bad punch line.
abcdefz
05-19-2006, 11:27 AM
I forgot the word "drunk." That helps.
But I love that joke.
beastiegirrl101
05-19-2006, 12:43 PM
I forgot the word "drunk." That helps.
But I love that joke.
drunk bean dip?
King of Rock $
05-19-2006, 12:48 PM
yeah this joke works if you say it aloud or type "twenty one".
thats what I was thinking
na§tee
05-19-2006, 12:51 PM
i have a joke. but it involves race. and no-one on this planet can laugh about race nowadays, even though it is taking the piss out of racism. so it's staying in my head.
for now, you can have;
two fish in a tank.
one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
beastiegirrl101
05-19-2006, 12:52 PM
what did one potato chip say to the other potato chip?
are you Frito lay?
(free-to-lay)
I have told this joke one to many times here, and now I am officially retireing it. (n)
What do you call a Chinese diaper?
a sakapoo
Kid Presentable
05-19-2006, 12:56 PM
What's the definition of disgusting?
Puting twelve oysters in your grandmas snatch and pulling out thirteen.
What's green and smells like Bacon?
Kermit's knob.
Why do doctors boil water when delivering babies?
If it's stillborn, they can make stew.
What's long, hard and fucks Australians?
Primary School.
ToucanSpam
05-19-2006, 01:03 PM
What's green and smells like Bacon?
Kermit's knob.
This one made me guffaw.
beastiegirrl101, you are such a dork.;)
beastiegirrl101
05-19-2006, 03:09 PM
This one made me guffaw.
beastiegirrl101, you are such a dork.;)
I <3 being a dork. It comes so naturally.
ToucanSpam
05-19-2006, 03:57 PM
Nice cherries, by the way.
hardnox71
05-19-2006, 07:12 PM
This duck walk into a bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, buddy, got any change?"
Bartender says, "No, I don't have any change." So the duck leaves.
Next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, buddy, got any change?"
Bartender says, "No! I don't have any fucking change!! Get the fuck outta here!" So the duck leaves.
Next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, buddy, got any change?"
Bartender loses it. "NO!! I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING CHANGE!! YOU COME IN HERE ONE MORE TIME AND ASK ME FOR CHANGE I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR FUCKING FEET TO THE FLOOR, YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NOW GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!" So the duck leaves.
Next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, buddy, got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any change?"
paul jones
05-19-2006, 07:36 PM
knock knock
Who's there?
'Doctor'
'Doctor Who?'
'Nah,not really,we're the Cybermen and we're gonna bum you whilst 2 daleks leisurely masturbate in the corner'
tracky
05-19-2006, 07:43 PM
I had twenty one but it seemed to kinda give it away
meh
mikizee
05-20-2006, 12:34 AM
what colour does a baby turn in a microwave?
i dont know, i was too busy masturbating.
mikizee
05-21-2006, 01:34 AM
what do you call a prostitute's kids?
brothel sprouts.
mikizee
05-21-2006, 05:51 AM
what do u call a leper in a bath?
soup.
Kid Presentable
05-21-2006, 05:59 AM
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
Answering the iron.
kleptomaniac
05-21-2006, 07:02 PM
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
Answering the iron.
How did she burn her other ear?
They called back.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard?
No, and neither did she.
fucktopgirl
05-21-2006, 08:26 PM
haha,they called back,anyway who the fuck is helen keller?
hardnox71
05-21-2006, 08:40 PM
haha,they called back,anyway who the fuck is helen keller?
Helen Keller was a blind woman who championed for rights of the visually disabled (or something like that).
How do you confuse Helen Keller?
Rearrange the furniture.
How did Helen Keller go crazy?
She tried to read a stucco wall.
I'm going to hell for that.
hahahaha top stuff now that i finally realise that that helen bitch is blind. (y)
fucktopgirl
05-21-2006, 08:48 PM
How did Helen Keller go crazy?
She tried to read a stucco wall.
haha yea!
abcdefz
07-12-2006, 11:40 AM
Just got this from snopes.com:
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:
"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
DandyFop
07-12-2006, 11:44 AM
this is my New Favorite Joke:
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist are all on a plane flying across the Atlantic. Suddenly, the plane starts to jostle, the wing catches on fire, and it starts to go down. There is enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
Kid Presentable
07-12-2006, 11:53 AM
How do you fit four homosexuals on a barstool?
Turn it upside-down.
abcdefz
07-12-2006, 12:16 PM
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said, "That son-of-a-bitch had $500 in quarters!"
adam_f
07-12-2006, 12:22 PM
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?
Both their last hits were the Wall.
mikizee
09-17-2008, 11:03 PM
Thanks to Padster's thread I'm resserrecting this one.
ok, go!
Audio.
09-18-2008, 01:47 AM
a joke by Robin Williams.
A guy is having sex with his wife.
All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is their eight year old son. The kid looks horrified and runs away.
The guy says to his wife, "Well, I'd better talk to Timmy." He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door, and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father screams, "Oh my God!" And the kid say, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"
OH SNAP :eek:
P of R
09-18-2008, 05:49 AM
^ Classic.
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bathtub?
Throw in the laundry!
Did you hear about the leper with an arm like a babies dick?
mikizee
09-18-2008, 06:05 AM
no
that was the joke mate.
I've re worded now. I suppose it needs to be typed differently than how it would be spoke.
Guy Incognito
09-18-2008, 08:35 AM
did you hear about the leper who failed his driving test?
Left his foot on the brake and lost his head at the lights
A blind man walking with his guide dog stops to cross a road, instead of leading his master accross the dog pisses on his leg. The blind man gives him a biscuit. A geezer who saw this said to the blind man "i'd kick that dogs arse if it were mine".
Blind man says "i'm going to but i need to find his head first".
I was checking into a hotel the other day and the man in front of me was admonishing the receptionist with "I hope the porn channel is disabled". What a fuckin sick bastard,
Whats green and has four wheels?
Grass( i lied about the wheels)
Randetica
09-18-2008, 08:55 AM
mccain, obama, a kid and a priest
are about to crash with their plane
but theres only 3 parachutes left,
the kid says mccain and obama should get their parachutes cause they might be quite important for their country soon and people need their priest so take them
but the priest says NO you kid take the last parachute cause i trust in god and just stay here..
the kid goes WELL doesnt matter anymore cause mccain jumped down with my schoolback stapped on LOOLOLOL
easy 3
09-18-2008, 09:00 AM
A couple of lame old favourites -
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto (/Rubber-toe - use a comedy Italian accent at your discretion)
abcdefz
10-05-2008, 03:46 PM
So a man and his wife are having sex.
In the middle of things, their little boy walks in. He gasps, horrified, and runs out.
The man sighs. "Well, I guess I'd better go talk to Timmy" and his wife agrees.
The man goes to Timmy's door, knocks, then opens the door to his room.
Timmy's having sex with his grandmother, and his father is aghast.
Timmy turns his head and says, "Not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
ToucanSpam
10-05-2008, 07:05 PM
Here's a joke.
The Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008
That is all.
how do you make a kleenex dance?
put a little boogie in it.
ehh... it made me laugh.
taquitos
03-29-2009, 01:42 AM
a man walks into a store and asks the clerk for some deodorant...
the clerk says; "do you want the ball kind?" the man responds; "no, just underarm is fine."
a lawyer is driving around in his BMW and he gets into an accident. he gets out and he's hysterical, he's all "oh goddamnit, my insurance is gonna go through the roof, and i just paid this car off, and this is ridiculous, i'm gonna sue the pants off of you!"
the officer on the scene says "i can't believe this, you lawyers are so materialistic! you're so obsessed with your stupid car that you haven't even noticed that your arm's been torn off!"
the lawyer says "oh god! my rolex!"
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