Wedding invitations

[abcdefz]

....what do you folks think about sending or receving wedding invitations? the situation is: I just got an invitation from someone I haven't been in contact with in a long time, and I felt like enough unreplied e-mail messages, etc. had gone by that I just let the relationship slide. We were never exactly friends, but had worked together for a few years, had the occasional lunch together, etc. But everyone moves on, right?

Anyway, I got an e-mail from him asking for my address; I responded, asked a few things about what he's up to, and no response. But then an invitation a few weeks later.

Granted, it's a busy time when people are getting married. But it feels like a gift grab. I mean, if you can't hit "reply" and write two sentences over a period of a year, why would you even want me there?

So, just curious: if you're having an event, are you inclined to invite people you don't even speak to? If so, why? I kinda don't get it. I don't understand the -- is it a sense of obligation somehow? I don't get it.

[Sarky Devotchka]

I dunno, a few years ago a cousin of mine got married and we never really got along as kids, she was pretty mean and stuck up. she invited me to her wedding and my mom was like, "oh, you have to go, she invited you! she's not mean anymore" and I figured, "eh, well, okay" and I went and she didn't even say hello to me. it was a total waste.

I say don't go.

[Rock]

I dunno about being invited just for a gift. Is he/she paying for the wedding themselves? Your plate of food is probably going to cost as much, more, or less than your gift. It all kind of washes out in that aspect.

Are the parents paying for it? If yes, and he is inviting you just for a gift, he/she is a prick for doing that to his/her parents.

I know at my wedding my parents invited people I don't even know..out of obligation...but that is just how their culture is. Makes no sense to me either.

And there were definitely some people I hadn't talked to in years that I wanted to invite because we were really close at one time, but looking at the guest list...just didn't want my parents to spend anymore then they had to.

[abcdefz]

Yeah; I'm not going -- I kind of already decided that.

I guess in your case, someone could argue "it's family," but I'm not even too sentimental about that.

I just wondered if other people feel the same way, or if someone has a rationale for why someone would do this.

Also: the RSVP said it's clearly for only me -- I can't take a guest or a date, if I decided to do that. That kind of tells me something, too.

[abcdefz]

Are the parents paying for it? If yes, and he is inviting you just for a gift, he/she is a prick for doing that to his/her parents.

And there were definitely some people I hadn't talked to in years that I wanted to invite because we were really close at one time, but looking at the guest list...just didn't want my parents to spend anymore then they had to.


As far as I know, the parents are paying; that's a big cultural thing, too.

Talk to me about this other part. You wanted to invite people you hadn't talked to in years but were really close to at one time... I mean, how does that work? If you've fallen out of touch, you've fallen out of touch, right? Wouldn't it feel weird to invite someone you haven't spoken to in years, even if it were on your own dime?

[DandyFop]

I think that depends...I mean, there is a girl I used to be best friends with that I lost touch with (I didn't return some of her phone calls, it was my fault), but i would want to invite her. But it doesn't sound like you and this guy were extremely close, and plus, yeah if he didn't respond to anything you sent him, I would have let it slide too. Who knows....weddings are weird like that. Some people want to invite every single person they've ever met.

[abcdefz]

We weren't close; we went through a couple of staff upheavals, etc.

Yeah -- I guess I don't get it. If I were to get married tomorrow, I can't imagine inviting people who aren't at least on the Christmas card list, you know? Or its equivalent.

[JBernas]

Totally fishing for money/gift.

[abcdefz]

I think it's probably about 80% that. :cool:

[Rock]

Talk to me about this other part. You wanted to invite people you hadn't talked to in years but were really close to at one time... I mean, how does that work? If you've fallen out of touch, you've fallen out of touch, right? Wouldn't it feel weird to invite someone you haven't spoken to in years, even if it were on your own dime?
Well...there are a couple of people I can think of that I used to spend a lot of time with. Everynight we would go and do something for years and before that we would hang out a lot. So basically we were close friends.
I haven't talked to them in 4 years..but I know if we did see each other we would pick up right where we left off. Plus these people also know a lot of the close friends that did come to the wedding so its not like they would have no one to talk to while i was busy doing my weddingly duties.

[beastiegirrl101]

I was always told that even if you get invited and dont go you still have to give a gift.

[enree erzweglle]

Not that you're reading this, but...

I'd send a kind note wishing them well and I'd leave it at that.

I'm mostly against the whole wedding thing anyway--it's more about the parents and gifts to a lot of people.

Sometimes I get invited to the weddings of kids of co-workers and I've never even met those kids and hardly know the parents.

I figure that if I don't celebrate the person's birthday and if I'm not in touch and have lunch and do stuff like a lot of times each year with him, if I don't know his email address and phone numbers off the top of my head, AND if he has to contact me somehow to find out what my address is, then I don't know him well enough to go to an affiliated wedding and he doesn't know me well enough to invite me.

[QueenAdrock]

I say you go. Beat him at his own game. If he wants you to bring him presents, so be it. Make sure you eat $50 worth of hors d'oeuvres at the reception though. :cool:

[Documad]

I absolutely hate big weddings. I want to go to about 5% of the weddings I'm invited to. I go to about 20%. I've never invited people to a wedding, but I've had to talk with many brides who are making out their lists. I've tried telling them that maybe their secretary would be relieved not to have to buy a gift and go, or that there's no point in inviting a college friend you haven't seen in 3 years, but they never agree with me. With some of the people throwing the big wedding, they honestly love going to weddings and think they're doing you a favor inviting you. Others were given a certain number of people to invite and they don't want the other family to think they don't have friends. With my friend who recently got married for the first time in her 40s, she's definitely seeing this as payback for all the weddings she's attended and she invited every friend she ever bought a wedding present for. (She is adorable and was a sorority girl and thus was a bridesmaid at least 20 times over the years.) She actually had a lovely wedding, btw.

I am bothered when I get invited as a single and I have no date option. If the bride is a close friend and I know she is struggling with having too many people, I will RSVP quickly as a single, but if you're inviting me because I work with you, I'm bringing a date or I'm not going.

[CrankItUp!]

(lb) You can always make a surprise appearance at their divorce...only a week later !!!

[enree erzweglle]

I absolutely hate big weddings.
Me too. Big time. Half the time at the reception, the bride/groom have to be escorted by one of the sets of parents, who introduce them to the guests. Too elaborate. A fairy tale. A really expensive one for the people footing the bill, for the groomsmen and bridesmaides, and for the attendees.

I'd rather have a quiet ceremony and celebration. No gifts at all--give money to a charity. It would be something in a park. Everyone brings something to eat. They can wear shorts if they want to, dress up if they want. Play some volleyball or softball. Have a bonfire. Whatever. And the people who would come to this thing would be friends and family who absolutely mean something to us both, and who we each know by name, first AND last. :)

[Documad]

^^ Exactly. And if the parents were going to foot the bill, they could pay for a downpayment on a house instead. Or a nice honeymoon.

I know people who are now registering and having the big church wedding with their SECOND wedding. Now that's a fairytale! It's ridiculous to buy your grown friends the waffle iron they registered for. If she wanted a waffle iron, she would have bought one at some point in the past 20 years.

I knew an adult couple who both married for the second time and they threw themselves a really big cocktail party and insisted on no gifts. That was their choice and it was fun.

[DandyFop]

I've been fortunate to only go to a few weddings (despite living in Utah where it's a sin if you aren't married before 21) and they've all been very lovely and low-key. One was up in the mountains with catered food by this awesome vegan restaurant (yeah they were hippies).

But two of my closest friends are getting married, and my best friend is the maid of honor...it's bizarre to see it being planned. I have no idea how big it's going to be or anything, but it will be the first wedding I've been to of close friends and it's wiggin me out a little bit.

[marsdaddy]

I had a rule that if I didn't correspond with someone for 6 months before the wedding, I wouldn't invite them. There was this one friend with whom I really wanted to reconnect. So I called him 6 months before the wedding, but he made no effort. Maybe you're this guy's friend with whom he'd like to reconnect?

[mikizee]

why not go, and just dont bring a gift? fuck em!
they wont find out til after that u didnt get them one. or they might not ever find out.

i went to a wedding once, didnt take a gift, and got a thanku card in the mail 3 weeks later thanking me for my lovely gift! ha! jokes on them!

[Yeti]

A to the Z, you are a movie buff and I'm sure you have seen Wedding Crashers. Go and bang a bridesmaid.

[ms.peachy]

why not go, and just dont bring a gift? fuck em!
they wont find out til after that u didnt get them one. or they might not ever find out.

i went to a wedding once, didnt take a gift, and got a thanku card in the mail 3 weeks later thanking me for my lovely gift! ha! jokes on them!
Wow, it really says a lot about your character that a) you did this, and b) you seem to be proud of yourself. What a kind, thoughtful person you are. :rolleyes:

a-z, I think you are reading too much into this. After all, this person didn't need to invite you at all; the fact is, they thought to include you and why not be grateful for at least that? And I find sniping about the fact that it was just you and not also a guest invited is kind of petty and small. Do you have any idea how much a wedding costs? If you don't want to go and you really just want to let the friendship go, all you need to do is just send back a nice card saying "Thanks you for thinking of me but I am unable to make it; best of luck to you and your partner for a long and happy life together" and leave it at that. This event is about them, it's not about you, get it?

[mikizee]

shyeah whatever. im a very kind and thoughtful person.

[enree erzweglle]

If you don't want to go and you really just want to let the friendship go, all you need to do is just send back a nice card saying "Thanks you for thinking of me but I am unable to make it; best of luck to you and your partner for a long and happy life together" and leave it at that. This event is about them, it's not about you, get it?I agree with both points here but sometimes, it is frustrating when what they're doing feels so obviously like they're trying to get a gift or just up their numbers (for whatever reason). I stand by what I said originally--send a well-written, gentle note just like what you suggested. (I try very hard to give people the benefit of the doubt--like if I haven't seen people ina long, long time and they invite me to their wedding, I try to think that they're trying to catch up and wedding invitation lists forced them to think about their friends and family, past and present. But when I get invitations to weddings of the kids of people that I barely know and I don't know the bride or groom at all, that, to me, is nasty.)

[ms.peachy]

shyeah whatever. im a very kind and thoughtful person.
Then why are gloating about screwing people over on their wedding day?

[enree erzweglle]

Then why are gloating about screwing people over on their wedding day?
Yeah, I definitely would not go to a wedding without taking a gift. Otherwise, that's combatting one sort-of-wrong-thing (the perhaps-unwarranted invitation) with a definate wrong thing (going, eating, drinking not bringing a gift).

Besides, I actually don't much enjoy going to big wedding receptions--not the kinds where the chicken dance is done en masse.

By the way, this is a nice alternative and I've done it several times: go to the ceremony without going to the reception. When I do that, I get to see the bit that counts (the union) without having to incur any costs for myself (in terms of a gift) or for them (in terms of cost of the meal/drinks). When I've done that, I've indicated my plans on the RSVP and I still wrote a (separate) thoughtful note to the couple wishing them well. When I do that, I buy stationery specifically for that occasion so that it's special--I don't just send a generic card.

[mikizee]

ok ok ok. so maybe my post made me sound like a bit of an asshole. im not really. i didnt not take a gift purposely just to be a cheap jerk, time kinda got past me, and i did intend to send a belated gift until i got the card, then thought whats the point? i was strapped for cash anyway.

the way abcdefz was talking about it the invitation did sound like a bit of a present grab, so its like your present is getting invited to the wedding, and your just escorting it! so why give them the satisfaction. theyll be too drunk to know whats going on anyway.

[JBernas]

the chicken dance

I boycotted this from my wedding along with the electric slide and anything country

[marsdaddy]

This event is about them, it's not about you, get it?Yeah, not so much about them as about their family.
Besides, I actually don't much enjoy going to big wedding receptions--not the kinds where the chicken dance is done en masse.I usually have a great time at weddings. I enjoy spending time celebrating with people who know and care about the happy couple, if I'm happy for them, too. I also enjoy the dancing part, but not the chicken or money dance -- or bunny hop.

I do agree that if parents are paying for the wedding, they'd be better served to help with a downpayment on a house. But then they'd have to host a big party at the new house and who would get the punch off the couch?

[enree erzweglle]

I boycotted this from my wedding along with the electric slide and anything countryYou failed to mention the macarena (but maybe you were married before pop-culture spawned that bit of loveliness).

[skra75]

simple - don't send a gift and plead that you were too busy at work or something. yes, it is a gift grab.

[abcdefz]

I had a rule that if I didn't correspond with someone for 6 months before the wedding, I wouldn't invite them. There was this one friend with whom I really wanted to reconnect. So I called him 6 months before the wedding, but he made no effort. Maybe you're this guy's friend with whom he'd like to reconnect?



...I dunno. When he sent me the e-mail asking for my address, I wrote back and he didn't respond to my e-mail. Plus, how many folks do you know who get married and suddenly have more time for their friends? :D

[abcdefz]

a-z, I think you are reading too much into this. After all, this person didn't need to invite you at all; the fact is, they thought to include you and why not be grateful for at least that? And I find sniping about the fact that it was just you and not also a guest invited is kind of petty and small. Do you have any idea how much a wedding costs? If you don't want to go and you really just want to let the friendship go, all you need to do is just send back a nice card saying "Thanks you for thinking of me but I am unable to make it; best of luck to you and your partner for a long and happy life together" and leave it at that. This event is about them, it's not about you, get it?



I was just trying to get an angle on the concept of why someone would invite another person to their wedding who they don't even speak to. I think there's a hypocrisy there. I mean, if, over a period of a year and a handful of e-mail messages, you can't be bothered to hit "Reply" and type "Fine; how are you?" then you clearly don't value that other person. For instance: by posting in this thread, you and I have had more interaction in one day than he and I have in a year.

The note about being invited without a guest was just another telling detail, not a deal-breaker. The wedding isn't in the same city where he and I worked, so I won't know anyone except the groom; if I were inviting a friend in that situation, I'd want to make sure that he wasn't stuck by him or herself the whole day.

[adam_f]

It's only been a year and I don't talk to 98.3234% of the people I went to high school with. That doesn't mean I don't ever think about them. Maybe he just wants you there for the biggest day of his life even though you aren't friends like you used to be.

[abcdefz]

That could well be.

1) I'm pretty hard on people;

2) My personality type has a very different definition of "friendship" than something like 93% of the population. So sometimes these things strike me differently, and I like to get other people's perspective.

[adam_f]

Originally posted by abcdefz
That could well be.

No, it definitely is.

[abcdefz]

No, it definitely is.


You made an interesting point based on your own experience of disconnection and unwillingness to maintain your relationships; don't get cocky.

In essence, what you're saying is that this guy is as lazy as you; from experience, I know that's not true.

[adam_f]

Originally posted by abcdefz
In essence, what you're saying is that this guy is as lazy as you; from experience, I know that's not true.

EXACTLY. I'm not lazy; other people are.

[abcdefz]

Now I'm not coming to your Simple Life party.

[adam_f]

Originally posted by abcdefz
Now I'm not coming to your Simple Life party.

You weren't INVITED.

[Yeti]

.....Plus, how many folks do you know who get married and suddenly have more time for their friends? :D

I bet the guy that married Starr Jones hangs out with his friends all the time.
As he leaves the house he can be heard singing from 10 blocks away---

I've got something to put in you,
I've got something to put in you,
I've got something to put in you,
At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.
Wow! (Shout out loud)

Oh, by the way, I still say to go bang one of the bridesmaids.

[abcdefz]

You weren't INVITED.



Now you're just trying to save face.

[abcdefz]

Oh, by the way, I still say to go bang one of the bridesmaids.


Another interesting point.

[beastiegirrl101]

so I am standing up in 4 weddings this year...yes...FOUR! One of them is my cousin who I am very very close with. So here's my problem.

I am not the maid of honor in my cousin's wedding which is totally ok, the girl she chose she has known since pre school but being that it is my family I do want to play a major role so I decided to throw her a surprise "engagement brunch" for only the bridesmaids...there are 13 of us including the bride. Not wanting to step on the MOH's toes I called her told her my plan, she was cool with it...well...she proceeds to send out an email to all the girls COPYING my cousin saying how she came up with this idea and would love suggestions on where to have it from the girls. Mind you, not only did she just blow the surprise, I already had an adorable place picked out. She then states that it would be better to have the brunch in the burbs because the majority of the girls live out there, my cousin and I being the only ones living in the city. So not only did she theif my idea and pawn it off as her own, she's now wanting it to be held in the burbs when the BRIDE lives in the city which who this is really who it should be about. So my question to you all is....

1. Do I just lay off and let her do her thing being all high and mightly MOH
2. Stand my ground! (I had the decency enoough to call the B*tch and tell her my plan, I could have not said anything)

We all know how girls talk, and I dont want to cause drama for myself or my cousin, it just really irks me ya know? This is why I only have a few close female friends, girls are such drama.

and these are the days of our lives.

[ScarySquirrel]

Man, just let it slide. People in general get worked up over the stupidest stuff in life and I really don't understand it. Hell, I do it too, but I'm trying to make an effort to stop.

Anyway, although it isn't her wedding date yet or anything, there's no sense in causing problems that may arise at someone's wedding which should be a happy day for them folks.

Hey, it's just brunch.

[beastiegirrl101]

I know but I was just trying to do something nice and it was trampled on!

I should just spit in her face next time I see her.

[abcdefz]

You're probably the bigger person if you just let it drop. Clearly she did mind but didn't have the vagina to be straight up about it. This is her passive aggressive way of saying, "Yes; I'd like to throw the brunch myself."

[QueenAdrock]

I'd pretend like I didn't read that part about how she thought it up and then give a toast at the brunch saying something along the lines of "I'd first and foremost like to thank the MOH for agreeing that an engagement party was a fun idea and helping me with the planning, if it wasn't for her I'd have such a hard time getting everything figured out alone." Just because it gives you the credit while complimenting her, so what the hell is she gonna do?

[abcdefz]

I'd pretend like I didn't read that part about how she thought it up and then give a toast at the brunch saying something along the lines of "I'd first and foremost like to thank the MOH for agreeing that an engagement party was a fun idea and helping me with the planning, if it wasn't for her I'd have such a hard time getting everything figured out alone." Just because it gives you the credit while complimenting her, so what the hell is she gonna do?



Drama. :rolleyes:

[QueenAdrock]

It's not though. I hate drama, but I also hate when people take undue credit. So instead of yelling or screaming or backstabbing, simply state that it was your idea and thank her politely for helping.

[beastiegirrl101]

my mom rocks because she already called my aunt (brides mother) and told her about the brunch so that I would get credit. DRAMA!

oh yea, I forgot to mention that the MOH is 7 months preggo and lives in Minnesota and is trying to plan all this from bed rest. HELLO???!!!

[Rock]

You should have just let it slide. Your cousin is going to be ultra stressed out as it is. Having two people that she cares about hating on each other that have to be in the same room numerous times can't be good.

[beastiegirrl101]

don't ask the question if you already know the answer I guess.


I thought you guys were vicious, what a dissapointment. ;)

[abcdefz]

I'm pretty much always a peaceful person. If I'm going to confront, I do it directly instead of in some passive aggressive or inflamatory way. So if it were important to me above all else to get credit for this, I would've told the matron of honor, "Look, I'd like her to know I was wanting to do something very special for her. So please address that in a follow up e-mail to everyone that the restaurant was your idea and the party was mine, otherwise I'm going to say so myself." Give her a chance to save face and maybe be an adult.

But I think "being an adult" would be letting it slide in the first place. Petty stuff like this gets wound up in the tensions of an already stressful time, and maybe in later memories of the wedding itself. This is supposed to be about her, and you guys are each making it about your own egos. It's childish.

[beastieangel01]

Unless I had a significant friendship with the person in the past, or talk to least every few months or so (even if it's just to catch up or short), or have at least a slight form of on-going contact ... I wouldn't bother going.

it does seem like a good way to collect more gifts, really.

[Rock]

Hold on...we all seemed to skip the 13 people in the bride's wedding party. That shit is insane.

[abcdefz]

Unless I had a significant friendship with the person in the past, or talk to least every few months or so (even if it's just to catch up or short), or have at least a slight form of on-going contact ... I wouldn't bother going.

it does seem like a good way to collect more gifts, really.



Thank you. My points exactly.(y)

[Tone Capone]

so I am standing up in 4 weddings this year...yes...FOUR! One of them is my cousin who I am very very close with. So here's my problem.

I am not the maid of honor in my cousin's wedding which is totally ok, the girl she chose she has known since pre school but being that it is my family I do want to play a major role so I decided to throw her a surprise "engagement brunch" for only the bridesmaids...there are 13 of us including the bride. Not wanting to step on the MOH's toes I called her told her my plan, she was cool with it...well...she proceeds to send out an email to all the girls COPYING my cousin saying how she came up with this idea and would love suggestions on where to have it from the girls. Mind you, not only did she just blow the surprise, I already had an adorable place picked out. She then states that it would be better to have the brunch in the burbs because the majority of the girls live out there, my cousin and I being the only ones living in the city. So not only did she theif my idea and pawn it off as her own, she's now wanting it to be held in the burbs when the BRIDE lives in the city which who this is really who it should be about. So my question to you all is....

1. Do I just lay off and let her do her thing being all high and mightly MOH
2. Stand my ground! (I had the decency enoough to call the B*tch and tell her my plan, I could have not said anything)

We all know how girls talk, and I dont want to cause drama for myself or my cousin, it just really irks me ya know? This is why I only have a few close female friends, girls are such drama.

and these are the days of our lives.

Forget what everyone else here as told you. You need to beat that bitch's ass at the party and then again at the wedding... DURING THE WEDDING! That will send a clear message that you aren't to be messed with. You might have to slap the bride too... then sleep with the groom DURING the honeymoon. Let us know what happens...


AND...
















You're welcome.:cool: