Wilderness Survival Tips

[Nuzzolese]

I'm going camping and I don't want to look like a total amateur.

What if we get stuck out there? What if we run out of food and can't get to fresh water? How do you make drinkable water from piss? How do you bathe without soap? What if bears attack? What if a UFO tries to abduct me? What if my socks get wet?!

Please advise.

[Nuzzolese]

In exchange for your tips, I will provide you with wisdom of my own. It's invaluable for a myriad of circumstances.

[Nuzzolese]

Go with someone you think would taste good in case you have to eat them, and wear comfortable water-proof shoes.

for your trouble:

If you lose the twist tie for your bread bag, just twist the opening and fold it down over the loaf like you'd fold a sock.

[alexandra]

if you're getting chased by a bear: run in zigzag. (y)

and stay positive. (y)

[DIGI]

There is a wilderness survival handbook available. I own it and I'm pretty sure it covers everything you need.............including UFO abduction.

[QueenAdrock]

If bears attack, you're supposed to go into the fetal position and wait, because they'll either think you're dead or they just won't bother. Buy bear mace just in case, it's like $10.

If you go to REI (or other outdoor stores), they have this water bottle for $30 you can get that will filter out EVERYTHING and you can drink it. So if you're at a polluted stream, it'll filter that shit out. Also, I'm pretty sure you can piss in it.

If your socks get wet, you're supposed to take them off if it's cold weather because that can speed up hypothermia. If it's summer, I don't think it's a problem.

You should watch those shows on TLC about how to survive in the forest/jungle. They said that all you really need is a machete, because then you can get to everything else. I learned how to make shelter and shit in the woods, but to learn how to do that takes time and patience. Yay, Search and Rescue courses. (y)

[Nuzzolese]

if you're getting chased by a bear: run in zigzag. (y)

and stay positive. (y)


I thought that was the method to evade gators.

Gators love marshmallows. If you put marshmallows in your medicine chest, and come back to camp to find it ripped to bits, or missing, then you'll know the gators around you are junky whores. ;)

[Nuzzolese]

Don't eat the yellow snow, inspite if what others might say, it is not a lemon-flavored snow cone.

I wouldn't advise the lemon flavored snow cones either. Just to be safe, always be a blue raspberry fan.

[Nuzzolese]

If bears attack, you're supposed to go into the fetal position and wait, because they'll either think you're dead or they just won't bother. Buy bear mace just in case, it's like $10.

If you go to REI (or other outdoor stores), they have this water bottle for $30 you can get that will filter out EVERYTHING and you can drink it. So if you're at a polluted stream, it'll filter that shit out. Also, I'm pretty sure you can piss in it.

If your socks get wet, you're supposed to take them off if it's cold weather because that can speed up hypothermia. If it's summer, I don't think it's a problem.

You should watch those shows on TLC about how to survive in the forest/jungle. They said that all you really need is a machete, because then you can get to everything else. I learned how to make shelter and shit in the woods, but to learn how to do that takes time and patience. Yay, Search and Rescue courses. (y)

I did watch Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, and First Blood.

I heard that if you want to live in a Mad Max style post apocalyptic world, you just have to visit trashy parts of Mexico and it's the same place. Of course you don't get Tina Turner but let's face it, who wants that anyway?

I can offer you this. If you moisten the spongetip applicator of your eyeshadow before applying it, it will intensify the color upon application.

[alexandra]

If bears attack, you're supposed to go into the fetal position and wait, because they'll either think you're dead or they just won't bother.
never heard that before. who actually stops and pretends to be a fetus when you're getting attacked by a bear, lol. :D

i believe the zigzag thing would work, because bears always have to sit down before making a turn (you know what i mean?), and they lose time by doing that, and eventually get tired and leave you alone.

[milleson]

Just don't forget: BYO toilet paper.

[Nuzzolese]

And don't believe that Smokey the Bear BS. Bears are known pyromaniacs and always set forest fires.

milleson what if I run out of TP or someone takes it or it falls in the water?

[milleson]

A: Use the nearest article of clothing owned by the TP thief

B: Always keep it in a Ziploc bag until ready to use

[Nuzzolese]

My packing list so far.

Knife
Bungie cords
razor
Slimfast bars
designer water in a sling

[Nuzzolese]

A: Use the nearest article of clothing owned by the TP thief

B: Always keep it in a Ziploc bag until ready to use


Ahh, ziplock bags, of course!

smaller onions have more flavor. Leeks are part of the onion family. Always completely dismantle them and rinse them well. Eat only the white and the faintly green parts.

[Nuzzolese]

Get a big badass "Rambo" knife with a secret compartment. Pack out your trash. Set up your "bathroom" downwind of your camp. Windproof lighter. Moleskin bandages for blisters. Get a good walking stick. If a bear attacks, ball up on your knees with your hands over the back of your head. Have a planned day to be back, make others know it, where your are going, and who you are going with.

KNIFE Knife
trash
downwind shitter
no-blow lighter
moleskin
stick
ball
plan
people

[DandyFop]

Hey hey hey now, let's get the bear things right. I at least learned one god damn thing from my wilderness class, and that is - if it's a black bear, make lots of noise and get all big and scary. If it's a grizzly bear, you're fucked so just give up now.

[alexandra]

dandy knows. (y)

[cosmo105]

make yourself look as big as possible, and make lots of loud noise. bang pots and pans together and put your jacket on your arms and over your head.

if a bear comes too close that is.

if it just wants directions, then just keep an eye on it.

[Nuzzolese]

To avoid stepping on an active land mine, avoid areas with mutilated animals and fresh piles of dirt. And don't think you can trust the people being paid to dig them up, because they'll only bury them somewhere else to further their employment.

[cosmo105]

are you going to a campsite or actually backpacking?

[Nuzzolese]

make yourself look as big as possible, and make lots of loud noise. bang pots and pans together and put your jacket on your arms and over your head.

if a bear comes too close that is.

if it just wants directions, then just keep an eye on it.

See, that's what I've always heard. Act like you want to start a rumpus and the bear will think you're just one of those crackhead alligators and back off.

[Nuzzolese]

are you going to a campsite or actually backpacking?

I don't really know. There will be no electricity and it will be in Missouri.

[Nuzzolese]

Okay, I heard that you can pee in a plastic bag, seal it up and place it in another plastic bag and seal that up, leave it in the sun for a few hours, and then drink the water that will accumulate in the outer bag. True?

[Bob]

only one way to find out! if it doesn't work, you can always use the bag as a pinata. some friends of mine used to do that.

[HEIRESS]

dont shit where you eat my friend!

[HEIRESS]

tuck your pants into your socks at night, itll keep you warmer

the smaller the tent the better

[Bob]

dont shit where you eat my friend!

don't shit where you're eating anyone's friends, for that matter

[Nuzzolese]

I'm kind of familiar with hillbillies. You can sometimes bribe them with Paris Hilton t-shirts (sleeves cut off), Deuces, cases of Old Style Light, and dogs.


Just don't ask them for directions. It's not that they're rude, they just don't know how to get out of there and never really tried.

[beastiegirrl101]

we go camping at the end of the summer every year and I never ever go with out this mini haliogen flashlight I got from Sharper Image. Its about the size of a pager, it has a clip that you can hang on your pants or whatev and it can change from white to blue or red light. I sleep with it...in case I have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom...it really comes in handy and its way cuter than a massive mag light.

go buy one. ;)

[mickill]

What they don't always mention with that whole playing dead in the case of a possible bear attack thing is that bears are likely to check and see that you really are dead by swatting you a couple times with their big bear hands. Bears have these great big enormous hands that hurt when they slap you with them. My advice would be to find some moose crap and keep it in a small paper bag with you at all times. In the very likely event that you do come across a man-eating bear, what you do is you wipe the moose crap all over yourself, to detract the bear from wanting to eat you. Not even a bear would want their meal to be seasoned with moose shit beforehand. People do this in prison even.

Or get some bear spray. I think you spray it all over your exposed areas like mosquito repellent. But read the instructions first anyway.

[b-grrrlie]

If you're going camping in sunny dry areas you can make an oven out of a box lined with tinfoil and a plastic sheet for cover; no cookers or gas (well I think only McGyver has tinfoil in his packing) oh yeah ducttape is always usefull!!!
And to make water, especially in deserts: take a big plastic sheet, fix it up by the corners to up about 15-30 cm (or 8-12") so it's quite tight, put a small rock in the middle so it droops and place a bowl right underneath it. During the night, or especially in the morning, the dew will gather and drop into the bowl.
This I'd seen on the telly once, now I googled for making water in the desert and found this (http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Water-in-the-Desert)...

[b-grrrlie]

And there was some more usefull (http://www.wikihow.com/Plan-a-Backpacking-Trip) hints (http://www.ehow.com/how_1786_cook-wilderness.html)...

[Nuzzolese]

At night maybe you can crawl into that tin foil oven to stay warm. (lb)

Are all tents created equal? I found a spongebob mini sleeper for 7 bucks and set it up in my parents' backyard because I wanted to make sure I could do it right. It had that brand new Barbie crotch plastic smell so I decided to leave it out, not a little bit because I was also feeling lazy, and my mom was like "are you sure it's okay to leave that out there?" and I was like "yeah you dumb fucking whore, it's a tent, it's supposed to be outside" and what do you know, I went back and it had a big hole torn in it, like one made from a boxcutter weilded by a bitter mom not taking "whore" lightly. Nah, I made that up.

Seriously tho, tents. Smaller the better, you say.

[milleson]

Smaller is not always better. A cheap-ass small tent can suck as much as a cheap-ass big tent. But, I am a bit of a tent snob.

If you're only gonna do this once, or at least not very often, go to the nearest Target and buy a small (read 2-3 person) tent from the "tent department". Should set you back about $30-$40. Just make sure it comes with a rain fly.

Rain fly = very important

[King PSYZ]

well i spent some time in the back country of yosemite so here's some tips

if you don't know for sure about ticks and the like, make sure you're wearing dark socks and like the high calf/knee socks too, not those little skater/tennis socks.

if you're socks get wet, take them off. blisters and sores suck the anal leakage.

if you have a sleeping bag, sleep in as little as possible clothing wise as you're body will breathe much better and it helps avoid over/under heating yourself.

if you see a bear, unless you're in alaska or canadia, just ignore it and let them do their thing. they're usually scared of humans and would really just like to pretend you're not there.

hang your food or use a bear box, for your sake, and the bears and other wildlife.

despite thinking to the contrary, do not bring toothpaste, deodorant, perfume, or anything with a strong scent. this will only further attrack bears and other wildlife.

if you see a cougar/mountain lion/large predetory animal, make you're presence known. make a lot of noise and do anything you can to make yourself appear larger. do NOT RUN, for any god damned reason unless you want to have your remains spread over a forrest... in animal shit.

take out all that you bring in.

get either iodine tablets for the water, or get a filter pump/bottle. even if you dont need it, it's lighter than carrying a lot of bottled water, and much tastier.