cookiepuss
06-29-2006, 03:35 PM
it will shock no one here that I am a big dork. but if you want to know exactly why I'm the biggest dork in the world, it has to do with the fact that I got bored at work and just emailed the following letter to comedian Dane Cook. *vomits*
Dear Dane:
I've been a fan of yours since Harmful if Swallowed and my boyfriend and I came to see you perform at Berekeley. I have personally taken the time to turn many of my friends on to you. you're talented damn it, so for god sake....PLEASE DO NOT START DATING JESSICA SIMPSON! I'm pretty sure she's the devil. :)
Now I know your personal life is personal and I shouldn't beleive the gossip colums, but I assure you a vast majority of your female fans will be most disapointed by your decision to copulate with that dimwit. So while you're high-fiving your male friends and fans, leigons of your young female fans will begin burning your autographed headshots in effigy. I'm sure your publicist will agree with me on this and I fully plan to contact them when I finish this email. If I can't do it, maybe they can talk some sense into you.
Now I know she hasn't been with alot of dudes and by hollywood standards that's a pretty rare find. So you probably have a desire to have all kinds of kinky condomless sex with her. and thats ok. if you gotta bang her, do it. just make sure you dump her the next day. Because i swear to you, she'll suck your soul dry. This is a high maintence girl we're talking about here. The kind who is going to wine and pout if she doesn't get her way. Haven't you ever watched her newlyweds show? eek. I'm telling ya, your long term goal in finding a mate has got to be someone way cooler than Jessica Simpson.
Also, she's dumb. and even if she isn't, EVERYONE thinks she is. now your core demographic is college students. that's right, people who are going to school to hopefully become smarter. these are young people who value education and intelligent thought. Now you get serious with Simpson and you're going to alienate a majority of your intelligent fan base. except for the frat boys. you'll still have them. but whatever.
I hope you'll take these arguments into consideration, Dane. I only have your best interests in mind. I wanna see you make it to the top, but not on the coat tails of a pop princess. ok? ya feel me?
most sincerely,
c.puss (except i signed my real name)
I know I know, most people aren't a fan of his around these parts and quite frankly I think I'm starting to fall into the former fan category myself. fame fucks people up. I liked him better before he became the "it" thing on college campuses. (n) (n)
well I gotta go email his publicist now. if these two get together it will bring about the end of the world. you can thank me later.;)
Dear Dane:
I've been a fan of yours since Harmful if Swallowed and my boyfriend and I came to see you perform at Berekeley. I have personally taken the time to turn many of my friends on to you. you're talented damn it, so for god sake....PLEASE DO NOT START DATING JESSICA SIMPSON! I'm pretty sure she's the devil. :)
Now I know your personal life is personal and I shouldn't beleive the gossip colums, but I assure you a vast majority of your female fans will be most disapointed by your decision to copulate with that dimwit. So while you're high-fiving your male friends and fans, leigons of your young female fans will begin burning your autographed headshots in effigy. I'm sure your publicist will agree with me on this and I fully plan to contact them when I finish this email. If I can't do it, maybe they can talk some sense into you.
Now I know she hasn't been with alot of dudes and by hollywood standards that's a pretty rare find. So you probably have a desire to have all kinds of kinky condomless sex with her. and thats ok. if you gotta bang her, do it. just make sure you dump her the next day. Because i swear to you, she'll suck your soul dry. This is a high maintence girl we're talking about here. The kind who is going to wine and pout if she doesn't get her way. Haven't you ever watched her newlyweds show? eek. I'm telling ya, your long term goal in finding a mate has got to be someone way cooler than Jessica Simpson.
Also, she's dumb. and even if she isn't, EVERYONE thinks she is. now your core demographic is college students. that's right, people who are going to school to hopefully become smarter. these are young people who value education and intelligent thought. Now you get serious with Simpson and you're going to alienate a majority of your intelligent fan base. except for the frat boys. you'll still have them. but whatever.
I hope you'll take these arguments into consideration, Dane. I only have your best interests in mind. I wanna see you make it to the top, but not on the coat tails of a pop princess. ok? ya feel me?
most sincerely,
c.puss (except i signed my real name)
I know I know, most people aren't a fan of his around these parts and quite frankly I think I'm starting to fall into the former fan category myself. fame fucks people up. I liked him better before he became the "it" thing on college campuses. (n) (n)
well I gotta go email his publicist now. if these two get together it will bring about the end of the world. you can thank me later.;)