Not Cool

[Lex Diamonds]

I'm not usually one of those people that shares their problems and shit with weirdos on the internet, but I thought this was quite twisted so I'm sharing.

My mum's in Namibia for work until Thursday, so I'm in the house alone. I woke up late and missed the train to college today, so I decided to stay at home. Last night I had a dream, but the only part of it I remember is looking in the 2nd drawer down in the chest of drawers in my mum's room and finding something I really wanted. So this morning I thought hey, why not, and went and looked in the exact same drawer. At the bottom, underneath all the clothes, was a large brown envelope with my dad's handwriting on it.

My parents separated when I was 6 because my mum was having an affair, which my dad knew about, for about 3 years previously. About 2 weeks ago me my brother and my sister were clearing out my dad's house for sale cuz about 2 years ago he had a severe stroke when I was visiting him on Father's Day... that was pretty fucked up but that's another story. Anyway when we were clearing out his house we found all his old diaries and basically he was still in love with my mum the whole time even after they split, and lived on his own in depression cuz of it.

Anyways, basically in the envelope was a collection of letters that my dad had sent my mum, seemingly whenever she was away staying at her new partner's house. He was telling her how she was the love of his life and shit and describing how me and my brother and sister were distraught about her not being there. I could only bring myself to read one of them but it says that I (being 2 years old at the time) searched the entire house for my mother and, when I couldn't find her, sat on a stool whispering "where is mummy?" and refusing to let anybody touch me. Now I have no memories of this whatsoever, but it would be a good explanation for some of the fucked up aspects of my personality today. Real heavy shit.

The scariest thing about this story for me is that it was a dream that led me directly to the letters. Not cool. (n)

[Mcmac]

Is too.

[ms.peachy]

OK, not to minimise your distress or anything, but seriously - what are you doing looking through your mother's things? The fact that you had a dream doesn't give you the right to violate her privacy.

[Lex Diamonds]

OK, not to minimise your distress or anything, but seriously - what are you doing looking through your mother's things? The fact that you had a dream doesn't give you the right to violate her privacy.
It's a clothes drawer... she puts things away in my clothes drawer all the time. My sister goes into her clothes drawers to borrow clothes. It's not violating privacy at all.

[Lyman Zerga]

i think it was definitely meant for you to read it
getting the puzzle together

hope youre ok

luv and hugz etc. etc.

[Kid Presentable]

Your mum might press charges.

[enree erzweglle]

I don't know that I would have read any of the letters or the journal entries. I think a letter or a journal (regardless of where it's stored or whether it's on paper or as email or as a recording) screams private and I'd want to respect that. I've been in that situation (or one that was very similar to it) and I've been on the receiving end of it (people coming across something of mine that they should not have read).

It's hard to read that stuff and learn about it. That's probably one of the big reasons for why I wouldn't read something that I found. You dredge up stuff that's maybe better left untouched. My one relative was big into figuring stuff out about my other one relative and it pulled up a bunch of stuff from the past that no one had answers to and even if someone did have answers, maybe they didn't want to divulge them and all of that caused nothing but angst and resentment. I prefer to sort of let the past be and let people be in the present without pulling that stuff out of them if they don't want to share it, you know?

I think a lot of times people think that parents, by nature of the fact that they're parents, are impervious to the sorts of dramas that they themselves go through and then they're terribly surprised or disappointed when they realize that their parents made mistakes, had emotional turmoil, did foolish things--lived their lives maybe not in the most dull of ways.

Also for what it's worth, padster, your dad sounds like a sweet man to have kept a journal and written those letters and to have felt your pain enough to convey all of that and his own feelings in those writings. And it clearly meant something to your ma to have held onto the letters. It sounds like they were/are thinking, feeling people. Passionate. There's stuff to be said for that. I do feel badly that you feel badly, though. I hope you can find some good stuff in what you read and are feeling.

[zorra_chiflada]

i would have read it

[Lex Diamonds]

I don't know that I would have read any of the letters or the journal entries. I think a letter or a journal (regardless of where it's stored or whether it's on paper or as email or as a recording) screams private and I'd want to respect that. I've been in that situation (or one that was very similar to it) and I've been on the receiving end of it (people coming across something of mine that they should not have read).

It's hard to read that stuff and learn about it. That's probably one of the big reasons for why I wouldn't read something that I found. You dredge up stuff that's maybe better left untouched. My one relative was big into figuring stuff out about my other one relative and it pulled up a bunch of stuff from the past that no one had answers to and even if someone did have answers, maybe they didn't want to divulge them and all of that caused nothing but angst and resentment. I prefer to sort of let the past be and let people be in the present without pulling that stuff out of them if they don't want to share it, you know?

I think a lot of times people think that parents, by nature of the fact that they're parents, are impervious to the sorts of dramas that they themselves go through and then they're terribly surprised or disappointed when they realize that their parents made mistakes, had emotional turmoil, did foolish things--lived their lives maybe not in the most dull of ways.

Also for what it's worth, padster, your dad sounds like a sweet man to have kept a journal and written those letters and to have felt your pain enough to convey all of that and his own feelings in those writings. And it clearly meant something to your ma to have held onto the letters. It sounds like they were/are thinking, feeling people. Passionate. There's stuff to be said for that. I do feel badly that you feel badly, though. I hope you can find some good stuff in what you read and are feeling.
Thanks, that makes sense. (y)

And we read my dad's journals cuz he can't read or write or remember or recognise people anymore, so obviously he has no need for them, and it would have been a shame to just let all his thoughts and feelings go to waste.

[Kid Presentable]

And we read my dad's journals cuz he can't read or write or remember or recognise people anymore, so obviously he has no need for them, and it would have been a shame to just let all his thoughts and feelings go to waste.

Fuckin oath.(y)

[alexandra]

i think it was definitely meant for you to read it
yep. meant to happen. just like everything else.

it was a good dream, paddy.

[Lex Diamonds]

yep. meant to happen. just like everything else.

it was a good dream, paddy.
It's kinda confusing me though cuz I don't believe in God or any of that supernatural shit. Yet the dream led me to the right drawer, out of like 10 of them.

Weird.

[monkey]

the dream thing: that's kinda cool, in a weird way. it's like deja vu but not... weird.

the info: ive done a similar thing with my mom and her things. and i have never confessed to it (till now), much less brought them up to my mom. i figure it would hurt her for me to confront her on something she made attempts at keeping secret. it's not her fault ive been a snooping-know-it-all. it does give you a new light about your dad though. i were you, i would start talking to him more, even if he cant respond or remember.

[Kid Presentable]

Sometimes, when going to the toilet yields eerily similar concurrent motions, I call it 'de ja poo'.

[alexandra]

It's kinda confusing me though cuz I don't believe in God or any of that supernatural shit. Yet the dream led me to the right drawer, out of like 10 of them.

Weird.
it was a sign. trust me. from the man above or someone/something else - dunno. but it was a sign you should interpret in a good way. signs are everywhere, but not everyone sees/understands them.

[SobaViolence]

human beings understand .01% of jackshit about the universe. so, the dream thing doesn't surprise me, it has happened a handful of times, personally.


the notes thing, well, if you don't want people to find your writings/poetry/love lettres/diary, you burn'em. otherwise you have to assume one day someone will find'em. happens 9 times out of 10.

i'd like to have my kids find out what kind of kid and teen and yound man i was. gives a healthier more rounded image.

[Planetary]

sorry to hear about that Padster. kind of weird about the dream. i hope you're ok, or become ok soon, and deal with it right. :)

[jlees_mcsd]

I think that it is cool because now you know how both of your parents felt. So many times divorced kids only see how one parent copes, I think you are lucky to know how your dad really felt for all of those years. I think it will bring you some closure, and don't question your mom about it. She has reasons for choosing the path she walks.

[CrankItUp!]

^ Ditto on that. (y)

[Lex Diamonds]

I already knew how it went down, as I learnt it all about 2 weeks ago from my dad's old diaries. But this was shocking because my mother actually keeps the letters all together in a (relatively) safe place. Plus this is weirding me out because I had like a premonition about it, a self-fulfilling prophecy if you will. But I'm not going to talk to her or anyone else I know about it, which is why I posted it here, to get it off my chest. (y)

[AdRockGRL]

It's not easy to know a thing like that.... I don't know how you could work out this thing with your mom or something...anyway hope you are ok and that you fill quite well... It's not a shame to talk about things like this on internet...maybe talk with people that you "don't know" is easyer...

[Planetary]

to get it off my chest. (y)
good idea (y)