Some crap I'm going through.

[ms.peachy]

I'm just going to vent some stuff here, OK? Because I've had a lot on my mind the past week and I don't expect anyone here to have any solutions for me or anything but maybe if I just write some of this stuff out and get some feedback, maybe I can start getting my head around it. Feel free to click out and stop reading though.

Four years ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy and had chemo and radiation and had basically been cancer free for the past 2.5 years.

Last week her routine tests showed some elevated white count levels and so the doctor ordered a series of further tests. Turns out that the breast cancer has metasticised to her liver and bones. The doctor has told her she needs to start thinking about "getting her affairs in order." He thinks that optimistically, with the new treatments that are available, she could be around for another 5 years or so, but it is highly possible also that if this cancer is aggressive enough, she may have only another 18 months to 2 years.

So, that's bad. But it gets more complicated.

I have a sister who is mentally and physically disabled who lives with my mother. What is going to happen to her?

This same sister has a son who is 13 who is mostly normal, except he has Asperger's Syndrome. My mom currently has guardianship of him as well. What is going to happen to him?

I guess I'm feeling really depressed because it seems like, not only is my mother maybe going to die soon, but regardless, my life as I know it is also going to come to a sort of end, because I don't see what else can happen other than that mr.p and I are going to have to leave London and move back to the US, probably sell our house to get a bigger one and take over care of my sister and nephew. And I'm angry with myself for feeling so selfish because I don't want that to happen; I like the life mr.p and I have made for ourselves and our new baby and I feel resentful that I'm probably going to have to give up everything that I enjoy here. And I know that's a crap attitude to have and that this is my family and you do what you have to do to take care of your family, right? And I know that all over the world every day lots worse things happen to people and that in some way I should be grateful that I get this chance to do this but I can't help it, I don't feel that way right now, I just feel in a way like everything we have worked for and the way I envisioned the future of my marriage and my child's life is going to be taken and shaken and shifted and it's just not fair.

There, I've said it. I'm bad and selfish and I don't want to have to give up my lifestyle to take care of my sister and become an instant parent to a teenage boy. How horrible am I?

Thanks for listening.

[na§tee]

i am very sorry for your current troubles. i have zero experience dealing with anything even remotely approaching this so i won't offer advice on the hows and whys, but i will add that it was very brave of you to admit your feelings.

i don't think you're selfish at all. i would feel the same. it does seem very cruel and unfair. and especially when you have just started to plan and organise this new life you are entering with your child and to see it all go to pot? i can imagine of course this would be very upsetting. having to raise your child and well as looking after the well being of two other adults? lordy.

so. don't feel bad. of course, you will - i would - but there must be opportunities out there that you haven't come across yet. i'm sure there will be other avenues.

[Ally Al]

hmmmm thats an awful thing to be going through i hope you can muster the emotional strength you need to get through these hard times. Don't beat yourself up and feel selfish though for the way you're thinking and feeling. I would imagine in the same situation i would feel exactly the same. When you have your own family THAT becomes the most important thing in your life and you want whats best for that family. As much as i love my parents and other family members nothing is more important to me than my wife and children and their needs would always come first. I don't think that makes me selfish and niether is the way you're feeling right now. Just your maternal instincts kicking in, wanting to protect the your "new" family.

[Lyman Zerga]

sounds pretty bad and im sorry, peachy

my brother is mentally/psychically disabled aswell
i dont think i would be ever able to take care of him
he is tireing me out so bad and i already have enough problems with myself and want my own family later
i just cant do it

[avignon]

Ick. I'm very sorry that you are going through all of that. It seems minor in comparison, but my father's health problems have kept me and Walter from making plans that would involve me moving to Amsterdam. The situation isn't permanent though, and someday we will get through it and have a life together. The distance is staggering though when you consider things like your family's health.
Is it completely impossible for your sister and nephew to move to London in the near future?

[AdRockGRL]

I don't think you are selfish...I think that in your position I'd feel the same way... For example a few years ago my granny passed by because of a cancer. my mom was totally out of control: I've lived for a lot of months between my house and my boyfriend's one 'cause I could not stand my mom's nerves and shouts and useless (and motiveless) charges.. And my dad was so heavy with me sayin that I was useless 'cause I was runnin'away...and that I was selfish...
I think yours is a normal reaction... Maybe with time passing by you'll change idea but, don't feel ugly and selfish.... you are not! First of all you've got to assimilate this situation.

[Kid Presentable]

Fuck, that's a harsh set of circumstances. Absolutely normal to feel selfish and resentful, though. Don't beat yourself up. I wouldn't have the foggiest about what to do other than see how things look in 6 months.

[enree erzweglle]

Oh, that's a hard set of circumstances, ms.peachy, and please don't kick yourself for being concerned. You're not selfish--you're thinking about the future and possibilities and upheaval is scary no matter how you look at it. In the end, when you look back, I will bet that you will see this as a scary time but also that a bunch of good stuff came from it. You never know about your nephew--the effect that your little growing and developing one will have on him and vice-versa. That willl doubtless be a gorgeous relationship that'll benefit everyone, especially the two of them. But you know that all already--it's just the prospect of change and having to face the uncertain that's so hard. And it's never easy to face or prepare for losing a parent--you're dealing with her feelings and helping her to cope at the same time as you're wrapping yourself around it. It's not easy. I lost my ma to illness in the span of just a few months when I was in my early 20s and she was in her early 50s and I still think of her every day and hear her voice and advice echoing in my head. You tell your ma that she did an amazing job at being a ma and teaching you how to be one too and I hope and pray that the times ahead fall in place seamlessly and beautifully.

[ms.peachy]

Thanks everybody. I'm just feeling really freaked out because a lot of major decisions are going to have to happen fairly quickly - my mom's going to be starting some aggressive chemo very soon to combat the cancer, and so she will be unwell and not really able to take care of my sister and nephew effective almost immediately. So it's like I have to decide what I'm going to do about this RIGHT NOW. And I don't have a clue where to begin. And I can't get an appointment at the US Embassy to get a passport for the baby so I can travel with her back to the States and my mom cries to me on the phone that she needs to see her granddaughter and I just don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

[monkey]

im so sorry about the things you're dealing with. im sure you've considered the other options, such as getting a nurse for your sister and nephew, or those things. but even if you havent thought about other options, there's so much time. and you're not selfish for trying to live your life, you never expected to be put in this situation of seemingly unsurmountable responsibility. but like i said, it may seem like it's no time away, but really, you have plenty of time, plenty of time to enjoy your mom, plenty of time to learn from her, plenty of time to decide on the best possible solution.

good luck <3

[enree erzweglle]

I just don't know what to do.Oh, I feel that pain of yours. I am so sorry. I wonder if you even need a passport for a baby so young.

I also wonder if there is anyone anywhere in your area who can help to guide you in some of this. A social worker or two--one who is maybe connected with embassy types of things and another who is knowledgeable about the healthcare system and the options.

I wish I could help you more--even if it's to do some research online to see what can be done. Please let me know if there's anything that I can do or anything that any of us can do for that matter because despite how we sometimes sound, we're a pretty smart and savvy group. :o I send you lots of patience and wisdom, ms/mr/baby/peachy. Seriously.

[SobaViolence]

life's not easy,

stay strong.

[kll]

As everyone else said, wow... I'm so sorry for all of this happening all at once. My mother is just completing her radiation after 6months of aggressive chemo that was to combat her mastasticised (sp?) breast cancer that also was on her liver, kidney and a baseball sized tumor on her pelvis bone. The chemo didn't do much, but the radiation, although extremely harsh, has cut her tumor count now by almost two-thirds. What seemed like a death sentence may actually be getting better, so hold out hope that it's not the end for your mom and this possibly unbearable situation. My prayers that it turns out in your favor.

[BGirl]

Hang in there, peachy.



I can sort of relate to some of what you're going through as I've recently, suddenly had leave my life in NYC to be with my folks after my dad's terminal cancer diagnosis. I went back to NY for a couple weeks and now I'm back in Ohio indefinitely. I think your feelings are normal and to be expected. Would I rather life be as it was on June 1, before we knew of my dad's illness and I was in NY, going to the Met once a week and basically enjoying life with my husband, cats and friends in the greatest city in the world? Absolutely. But I've made peace with being here for the time being, grateful to spend lots of time with my family and also enjoy my folks' gorgeous backyard with birds and critters and tons of trees and nice landscaping, all of which I took for granted when I was in high school. And I bet you can similarly make peace and find the good things in whatever is ahead for you.



I'm going to create a new thread to share some things I've learned about cancer (and invite others to share what they know), which you may or may not find useful. I hope you will. I had thought about doing this for a while as a PSA kind of thing as I've learned some very interesting things that I think every one of us here can benefit from as cancer is such a scourge in modern society.

It will take a little time to get it together though and it's a particularly crazy day around here, so maybe I can get it up tonight or in the next couple days.



I've been coming here for much-needed laughs and mental breaks so keep up the funny posts and threads, people. I'm mostly reading/browsing but I even created a thread over in Beastie General to amuse myself for a couple days.


Well, gotta run - like I said, crazy day.


Again - hang in there, peachy.

[ms.peachy]

Thanks everybody. I know that somehow things will work out one way or another, because they will have to, won't they. But I just can't for the life of me see how right now.

[Ace42X]

Are you going to miss England? Not that it is necessarily a done-deal. Where there's a will, there's a way.

[befsquire]

i'm so sorry ms.peachy. i gotta say, i don't think i could do it. your sister and your nephew are a lifelong commitment that you and mr.peachy didn't sign up for, and i think that's all that would be in my head. is there any other family in the states who could help out? and what about your nephew's father?

i say just go one step at a time and focus on small tasks. so for now, get the passport for baby.peachy (if baby.peachy needs a passport). once you have that, schedule a flight here to see your mom, but make sure it's a roundtrip and not open-ended. they'll know a lot more once they can get a better look at your mom, and then you can plan for the future. i mean, if you were to just up and move everyone over here right now and then you bought a big house to put everyone in, would you then be forced to work to pay for that which would then cause you to have to pay for round the clock care? it may be cost prohibitive to move here. and what would that do for your marriage? so, get the passport and wait and see what the doctors say. and then see what your mom has to say about your sister and nephew.

by the way, who took care of them 2.5 years ago when your mom went through her treatment?

[marsdaddy]

I don't have much to offer other than I know it will work out. I can imagine it's tough to look at how, right now, but it will.

Is there an asset -- house -- that your mom can use to help pay for homecare or assisted living for your sister and her son? What about county, state, or federal agencies? Explore those possibilities so at least you have SOME choices.

[Documad]

Like everyone else, I'm really sorry. I hope your mom has as worry-free and painless a progression as possible. It has to be even more difficult for her to deal with the disease when she has the additional worries regarding your sister. It must be a comfort to her to know that you and your own family are healthy and happy.

It's perfectly natural to be upset. The whole thing is so damned unfair. If there's any way to avoid you moving back you shouldn't feel guilty about exploring it. I spent a long time caretaking for family and it ruined a big part of my adult life. I have concerns that I'll have to take care of another family member some day, and I tell my friends that I'll run away if the time comes, but I'm probably full of shit.

If you do have to come back, I hope that you will take some comfort in the fact that you had a really great experience of the sort that most people dream of and that you made the most of it. :o

[ms.peachy]

i'm so sorry ms.peachy. i gotta say, i don't think i could do it. your sister and your nephew are a lifelong commitment that you and mr.peachy didn't sign up for, and i think that's all that would be in my head.
yep. Although in a way I guess I always knew this day might come, you know? My other sister and I have in the past talked about the fact that someday eventually my mom would not be around anymore, and that we would have to work out what to do. But we figured we'd have to cross that bridge when we came to it. Well, ta dah - here it is.

is there any other family in the states who could help out?

Well as I just said, there's my youngest sister, but she is seven years younger than I am and in a way I feel like I need to let her have a bit more time - she's just finished grad school, which she worked very hard to put herself through, paid her own way working full time plus going to school full time. And, she's getting married in October. I just feel like she deserves to have some time to not have to deal with the additional responsibilities, since she's worked so hard to get where she is.

Then there's my father, who I love, but he's not exactly the most "step up to the plate" kind of guy. Basically, he lets his wife run his life, and she's a bitch. I know that sounds like typical "the kids hate dad's new wife" kind of talk, but you're going to have to trust me that this is, in fact, true. I could go into reasons why I say this but it would just make me sound whiny and quite frankly I don't feel like I have to prove anything. I don't hate her, and I've learned to accept her as best as possible for who she is. But part of who she is is a shrill intolerant cow, and my father doesn't have quite enough spine to stand up to her. I've learned too to accept this about him. So at the end of the day, she's not about to let anything from his life before they were married, like, you know, his kids, inconvenience her in any way, and so I know I can't really count much on my dad to be of much help here, other than to maybe write the occasional check, if you see what I mean.

and what about your nephew's father?

Forget it. The father's family are, I suppose, not bad people in the sense of being evil, but they are very, very ignorant. The father is, like my sister, learning disabled. The thing is, his family never set any goals or had any expectations for him, or really set him up for any type of disciplined life; they have always just excused everything he does as "Oh well, Stevie's a retard" and let him run wild. So consequently he's always in and out of trouble with the law for loads of petty stuff and of course, since they live in a small town everyone knows him and he's basically the village idiot.

The father and his family live in NJ and mine now in Michigan, so it's been easy to limit contact between my nephew and his dad. We didn't want to sever it altogether - Sky (my nephew) has a right to know his family, and the grandmother (now deceased) as not-very-bright a woman as she was did always send him little birthday and Christmas gifts, so they're not completely uninvolved. But in terms of being part of the long term solution for Sky's future, no way. Sky himself is starting to realise, when he talks to his father on the phone, that Steve is not a capable person, and that Sky is now "outgrowing" Steve, mentally and in levels of maturity, because Steve is very much a self centered, spoiled child (as no one's ever pushed him to become anything else).


i say just go one step at a time and focus on small tasks. so for now, get the passport for baby.peachy (if baby.peachy needs a passport). once you have that, schedule a flight here to see your mom, but make sure it's a roundtrip and not open-ended. they'll know a lot more once they can get a better look at your mom, and then you can plan for the future. i mean, if you were to just up and move everyone over here right now and then you bought a big house to put everyone in, would you then be forced to work to pay for that which would then cause you to have to pay for round the clock care? it may be cost prohibitive to move here. and what would that do for your marriage? so, get the passport and wait and see what the doctors say. and then see what your mom has to say about your sister and nephew.

Yeah, that's pretty much all I can do for now. Mr.peachy is being very wonderful and supportive and keeps telling me we'll get through this and we'll get through it together. I did tell him that I was afraid that whatever happened, it would put a strain on our marriage and that I was terrified that I could end up losing him too in the long run. He grabbed me by the shoulders and said "This is what marrige is - all that richer, poorer, sickness, health, blah blah, all that business we stood up there in those fancy clothes in front of everybody and said, this is what it's about. So get it right out your head that you are going to lose me over this, because this is what I signed up for and I'm not going anywhere." I will never not love this man.

by the way, who took care of them 2.5 years ago when your mom went through her treatment?

Me. I went back to the US for five months at the time. My mom has a husband as well; he obviously helped out with my sister and my nephew but his primary job was/is to keep an income coming in and to take care of my mom.

[Guy Incognito]

Really sorry to hear about your situation and I havent really got any decent advice. I appreciate you have to act fast but you still have to weigh up your options and i would just suggest that you talk to mr p and other family members to try and work out whats best for everyone.

Its not selfish at all and to think of your immediate family first is completely natural. My father is really sick (emphysema), but he doesnt expect me to be there 24/7 as he knows my wife and soon to be born first child and would never want to come between that. Obviously we see him but he has told me that its enough for that he knows I am happy and that thought is one of the things that keeps him going.

Your situation is a lot more complicated and i dont know if any of what i have said helps. I just hope you make the best of it and am sure you will make the right decision. I know I dont know you very well but I have seen enough of your posts on this board to know that you will give each option a lot of thought and make a good decision. Keep yer chin up.

[Documad]

I did tell him that I was afraid that whatever happened, it would put a strain on our marriage and that I was terrified that I could end up losing him too in the long run. He grabbed me by the shoulders and said "This is what marrige is - all that richer, poorer, sickness, health, blah blah, all that business we stood up there in those fancy clothes in front of everybody and said, this is what it's about. So get it right out your head that you are going to lose me over this, because this is what I signed up for and I'm not going anywhere."
<3 <3 <3 mr.peachy.

[kaiser soze]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom and your situation, but this is your life and you can be a sweet savior for your family. Keep positive and try to find the silver lining and remember...there are always blessings in disguise

hang in there and hugs!