i've never really had to deal with something this bad

[zorra_chiflada]

my mother is in hospital again. she has no feeling from the waist down, she can't walk, can't do anything. something is seriously fucking wrong and they don't have a clue. it's just so scary, and also my father having to deal with everything. i can see he's completely fucking exhausted. he's an old man, and there's only so much he can take.
but christ, what's going to happen if my mother can't walk anymore?

[SobaViolence]

thoughts and prayers are with you, Susan.
stay strong.
<3

[Knuckles]

Damn, I'm really sorry to hear about this. :(

Give your dad lots of love and support and pray for the best.
I'm sending out all my good vibes to you and your family. Hang in there.

[ericlee]

Oh no. I hope she gets better and wish I had an answer to your question.

[kaiser soze]

aww zorra, I'm sorry to hear about your mom and pops

the best you can do now is hope your mom can be given some honest answers and help from the doctors and keep positive and supportive.

try to do some research on the internet about paraplegia, there might be some message boards with people who could help

hang in there and hugs!

[GetYourWarOn]

i'm so sorry to hear this... i wish i had some advice, but i've never had to deal with anything like this either. just try and stay strong so you can help your mom and dad any way you can.

[Documad]

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. I can't imagine what is going on and how maddening to get no answers from the doctors.

When I was in high school, my dad suddenly lost the feeling in his feet, went into the emergency room, and didn't walk again for a long time. It turned out that dad had a very small tumor on his spine that sent these little arms into the nerves that made his feet work. The surgeon removed the tumor and then dad had physical therapy to repair the damage it had done. My dad regained most of the use of his legs within two years. It was difficult for my mom when dad was in the wheelchair. But it wasn't impossible even at the worst time. We eventually got a wheelchair that was easier for mom to lift and we had special gear for the bathtub and other things to help him get around.

The odds are that the doctors will figure it out and that your mom will be just fine. But I want you to know that even if you ultimately get some bad news, your mom and dad can resume a normal life.

I think it's important to be around the hospital during these tough times. Sometimes parents try to shield you from the pain and decision-making, but if you can spend time at the hospital, it's nice to hear the news from the doctors first hand. Most importantly, it's good to just be with your dad because even if he doesn't want to share his fears with you, he will get comfort from you being there. I don't know your family, so that's more of an educated guess. You should honor your parents' wishes above all.

[Yeti]

Zorra my thoughts are with you and your family and I hope your mother recovers.

[paul jones]

Wishing the best for your mum and dad!

:)

[Loppfessor]

I'm not really good at encouraging words but I'll keep you and your family in my prayers

[Waus]

Dang. Hope things work out.

[zorra_chiflada]

she has a tumour on her spine.

i talked on the phone to my dad and i heard him cry for the first time in my life.

[Loppfessor]

she has a tumour on her spine.

i talked on the phone to my dad and i heard him cry for the first time in my life.


Wow that is horrible, what are the doctors saying though?

[zorra_chiflada]

well, it's operable, but they can't guarantee anything.

[Loppfessor]

well, it's operable, but they can't guarantee anything.


Well nothing in life is, but it's good that they can at least treat it right? Stay strong and just pull together as a family and you will all be okay I promise.

[ms.peachy]

Believe me zorra, I totally understand how you're feeling right now. PM me if you want to talk more about it.

[zorra_chiflada]

peachy, i actually thought of your situation just a little while ago. if anything happened to my mother, i would have to look after my father. i couldn't have my own life anymore. and i don't want it to be like that! i wish that my parents were younger, or that i had done more with my life so far in terms of being responsible. i don't have a licence or a job, i just can't give my parents the care that they need. my father has no living relatives, and all mum's relatives are in the states.

[na§tee]

so sorry, zorra :(
again, i can't really advise. i have never experienced anything like this, but my thoughts are with you.

[enree erzweglle]

It's not easy to watch a parent get sick like that--I hope it works out.

[ms.peachy]

Here's what I'm finding helps, zorra: try not to look at "the big picture", and instead focus on what's right in front of you that you can do right now. In other words, try not to project too far down the road, because then you find yourself thinking "what if this happens, and then that happens, and then this other thing happens and oh my god what the hell am I going to do if THIS happens..." I find myself doing that and mr.peachy is really, really good at pulling me back from the brink and re-focussing me on taking things in smaller, more manageable chunks.

Obviously I can't say how that advice would specifically take shape in your own situation, but maybe if I give you a couple of examples from mine, you can see what I mean and see if you can apply it:

Stuff that's too "big picture" that I can't allow myself to dwell on-
what happens to my sister
what if my mom dies
where will my nephew go to live
will we have to move back to the States

Stuff I'm working on one day at a time -
getting the baby's passport sorted so I can go over in a few weeks to help my mom out until at least my other sister's wedding in October
researching the possibility of a residential school for teenagers with Asperger's for my nephew
figuring out what I need for the baby while I'm in Michigan that I can't bring with me (i.e., crib, car seat, changing table) and writing to area churches to see if anyone can loan any of these items

In other words, none of the big problems are going to have an instant solution, and trying to think of them in their entirety is just too huge a task, so I'm breaking it down into "OK, what can I do right now." The frustrating thing is, some days the answer is actually 'nothing' and it's hard to accept that but then I go and just gaze at the baby for a little while, which helps a lot actually. (Yeah sorry I know you don't have that option, you'll kind of have to fill in that gap with something else:o or if you want I can send you a picture of her and you can gaze at her too. Probably not as helpful for you as it is for me though...)

[iceygirl]

sending hugs and positive energies to surround you susan <3

[Randetica]

im sorry :(
*huggles*

my grandpa had something similar

[tracky]

:(

[Qdrop]

The surgery will work.

it will.

[Bob]

hang in there :(

[drizl]

im sorry zorra. i'll take some time to send some good vibes. i hope if they operate it goes well. i hope that the pain that your mother is going through, your father and yourself heals quickly.

my thoughts and prayers.

[mickill]

I understand how you feel, zorra. Our circumstances aren't in any way identical or anything, but I know how you must be feeling right now. What ms peachy said makes the most sense. Try not to overwhelm yourself with all the difficulties you may or may not have to suffer. And try and stay positive.

[Lo_Lyfe]

yo someone who really cares about you has sent their best.(y)

[enree erzweglle]

I should say this too, zorra (and I'm sorry if this winds up being long and that I didn't say it earlier but I was rushed)...

My mom got seriously sick when I was around your age. Her illness was premature, unexpected, and vicious in its quickness. During and after, it was a tremendous adjustment for everyone in terms of the immediate logistics and then in terms of the sets of things that creep up on you when you deal with disease or death.

Within all of that, we were mostly concerned for my dad because he and my mom were the sort of couple to do so much together and he relied heavily on her. She had huge energy and was the sort of person that people were drawn to and just spent time with, and my dad thrived on that to such an unbelievable extent. So that was one of the big things that lurked in our thoughts while she was sick and declining and y sister, brother, and I stepped in to get life in order for my dad and then for ourselves. This might sound odd, but a lot of good came from all of the little experiences that comprise that bigger experience. Amazing the things that came from it despite it being scarring and despite the underlying tragedy of what happened, and despite how paralyzing specific minutes felt at the time.

You'll find a strength that you didn't know you had and it'll get you through the individual days. A sort of auto-pilot kicks in and slowly afterwards, that melts away to sort of gently push you into facing down the other stuff. But you'll get through it and then you'll find when it's over that it changed you in a lot of ways. It's not easy, but you can handle it with dignity and grace and in doing that, you'll pass some of that to your mom, as well, who will need that and who will probably take her cues from you, from reading you. There's often a shift in the dynamic between a mom and her children when these things happen.

I wish you all so many good things.

[beastiegirrl101]

Do you have any siblings Zorra?

My thoughts are with you...hang in there.

[beastieangel01]

I'm sorry :( I hope that things improve soon

[cosmo105]

what everybody else has said. i know it's got to be really rough on you, and you're worrying so much about your parents...and that's a sign of what kind of daughter you are. you obviously love them a lot. don't internalize this struggle too much and make it take a huge toll on you - they wouldn't want that. just do your best to be supportive and loving for them, and take time out for yourself to destress. and wish for the best. :)

[monkey]

im really sorry :( im gonna send you all the good wishes and good thoughts i have for your mommy. <3

[zorra_chiflada]

thankyou for the kind words everyone :)

i'm taking ms peachy's advice and doing things one at a time. it's hard for me, as i am the only child. i know that my father has been married before but i don't know if he has any other kids. he's trying very hard to be strong, but i can see how upset he is.
i'm just very shocked about the whole situation because she was in perfect health, very good for her age. she has lived a very healthy life, and she was struck down by something this major.

[Documad]

Well, I am so sorry for the bad news. I always say the wrong thing because I'm the gal who wants to hear the worst it can be and then it's never anywhere near as bad. Other people don't operate that way.

I'd be happy to talk with you anytime. Like enree said, you will find that you're a whole lot stronger than you ever dreamed. I recommend sharing what you're going through with people outside your family. It sounds silly, but I'd think about attending some kind of support group -- whether it's to vent or for coping strategies. I was never able to voice my fears to my mom and it sounds like you can't to your dad. Parents find it really hard to lean on kids because they think it's not supposed to be that way. One of the best things my mom and I did was say to each other that we were both scared but that we would make it together.

As I said before, my dad had a tumor on his spine. His was prostate cancer and it was before the doctors got good at prostate cancer. It was very advanced when they found it. But even with that worst case scenario, he lived 12 years and for almost all of those years he was completely pain free and had a terrific attitude. There's a whole lot of luck involved in medical problems, but I swear from all the people I've known who have very sick relatives, attitude can make a huge difference. Help your mom focus on how she's going to get better if you can.

The surgery will go fine. Those surgeons have horrible people skills but they are good at what they do. Because your mom had been in good health otherwise, I'll bet that she has what it takes to follow the directions in physical therapy and come back from this. My dad was the opposite of me -- he had been a successful athlete and he channeled that into being a star patient in physical therapy. My dad had never been in the hospital until he had the surgery on his spine. He was frustrated by the doctors who didn't give him much time and by how you get treated like a child when you're in the hospital. We used a lot of humor. Don't be afraid to find humor in bad things. My dad and I made fun of the doctors and nurses all the time.

Finally, don't assume you're going to move home and don't do that without giving it long hard thought. I believe that my mom and I would have both been better off in the long run if she hadn't leaned on me so much. I'm not saying don't do everything you can right now, but don't fall into something long-term without thinking about it. That stuff is a long way off now. I'll shut up now. I'm too big with the unsolicited advice. :(

[zorra_chiflada]

my mum had an operation and has a little movement in her legs. she still can't sit up or anything. but she's doing well.

[befsquire]

sorry about your mom zorra, but it's good to hear she's had the operation and is gaining a little bit of mobility. that sounds really good considering they just operated.

[Laver1969]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[DipDipDive]

I'm so very sorry. I can relate and I know it hurts. It'll all be how it's meant to be though. Trite perhaps, but it's the truth.

Hang in there. <3

[QueenAdrock]

my mum had an operation and has a little movement in her legs. she still can't sit up or anything. but she's doing well.

This is the first I've been in this thread, and everything that I'd say would just be repeating other's good wishes.

But great news about the operation. It may take a while to see the effects of any major operation, but the fact that she has movement in her legs is awesome. I'll be hoping for the best for her! (y)

[alexandra]

tumours are bitches

things will always work out if you're positive. (y)

[avignon]

my mother is in hospital again. she has no feeling from the waist down, she can't walk, can't do anything. something is seriously fucking wrong and they don't have a clue. it's just so scary, and also my father having to deal with everything. i can see he's completely fucking exhausted. he's an old man, and there's only so much he can take.
but christ, what's going to happen if my mother can't walk anymore?
I'm so sorry.