I'm thinking about proposing

[Nuzzolese]

He's young and we're poor but we could support each other. We practically live together anyway. I think it's time we get married. I don't see any reason to wait, except that we've only been going together for ten months and I would probably have to talk him into it with maybe a presentation. Now, just because he may not be immediately keen on the idea, it doesn't mean it isn't a good idea. Who here has been married or is married? How did you know it was time to get hitched and how did you ask, or how were you asked?

[cosmo105]

Besides being too young, having no place to live, you feeling a little awkward about being the only cheerleader with a husband...give me one good reason why not?

[hpdrifter]

I am equally curious. When is the right time to start thinking about this?

I will likely not marry the person I am with. But hope to do so eventually.

[Nuzzolese]

I think the right time is when you both agree you're in it for the long haul anyway, and you don't mind having to share a bed with this person for the rest of your life. Might as well. Then you get some presents and money for doing the same things you've already been doing. It's like a pay raise for doing the same work.

[Bob]

I don't see any reason to wait, except that we've only been going together for ten months and I would probably have to talk him into it with maybe a presentation.

powerpoint's the way to go, but don't go too overstylistic. you know how some people are just obsessed with that effect where the letters drop down one by one and there's that annoying typewriter sound and it's at like 8 AM and people just want to sleep but they can't because the whole reason they're awake is to go to this presentation, but this guy just can't get enough of that letter drop effect? totally don't do that.

[QueenAdrock]

Tell him "Yo baby, we can have lowered health insurance if we do a family plan. And filing joint taxes are so fly."

He'll melt like butter. <3

[Bob]

wait a minute, marriage? you can't be serious, you haven't even introduced him to us yet! we're like a big family, you have to get our approval first

[Nuzzolese]

powerpoint's the way to go, but don't go too overstylistic. you know how some people are just obsessed with that effect where the letters drop down one by one and there's that annoying typewriter sound and it's at like 8 AM and people just want to sleep but they can't because the whole reason they're awake is to go to this presentation, but this guy just can't get enough of that letter drop effect? totally don't do that.

I was going to provide coffee and danish. And push it back to 9:30 I guess.

[SobaViolence]

pre-nupt.

that is all.

[cosmo105]

I think the right time is when you both agree you're in it for the long haul anyway, and you don't mind having to share a bed with this person for the rest of your life. Might as well. Then you get some presents and money for doing the same things you've already been doing. It's like a pay raise for doing the same work.
whenever i get frustrated with our shitty knives or we're shopping for something for the kitchen - i say, damnit, let's just get married so we can get all this shit for free.

[Nuzzolese]

wait a minute, marriage? you can't be serious, you haven't even introduced him to us yet! we're like a big family, you have to get our approval first


Yes I have, I showed a couple of pictures of famous people that he kind of looks like, and I'm sure I've mentioned him. He's just like you, Bob, only closer geographically.

[Nuzzolese]

whenever i get frustrated with our shitty knives or we're shopping for something for the kitchen - i just say, damnit, let's get married so we can get all this shit for free.

You should! We could do it together, a double wedding like in Brady Brides.

[cosmo105]

i've also offered that i could find some wealthy guy, get him to marry me, do the whole thing there, and go all out with the wedding and procure all the good stuff there. then divorce him and move back in with my boyfriend, and we could get married later. i'm just in this for the kitchen appliances, sir.

[na§tee]

oooh, i don't know what the best time is.

me, i've been with my boyfriend for nearly five years, and i can pretty much 90% say i don't want to marry him yet. i dunno. i sorta worry that no-one has ever really met their soul mate, and there's a big chance you might meet someone, uh, you know.. better. that sounds really bad, doesn't it? well.. i guess i would be with the right person when you stop feeling this way and you're like "well, yes, there may be someone out there that is the perfect individual but i like your flaws and, infact, would like living with them and the rest of your awesome-ness for the rest of my life!"

i'm too young. he's my first boyfriend. my parents got divorced. i would defo be the type of gal to have a super long engagement!

[DandyFop]

Who here has been married or is married? How did you know it was time to get hitched and how did you ask, or how were you asked?

I want to know this too...

this past weekend was the first time I've really thought to myself if this was the guy I was going to be spending the rest of my life with. I can see it happening, which is crazy and scary all at the same time.

We are going to a wedding this weekend though...should be interesting.

[Nuzzolese]

i've also offered that i could find some wealthy guy, get him to marry me, do the whole thing there, and go all out with the wedding and procure all the good stuff there. then divorce him and move back in with my boyfriend, and we could get married later. i'm just in this for the kitchen appliances, sir.

That would make you a whore, Cosmo.

[Nuzzolese]

I want to know this too...

this past weekend was the first time I've really thought to myself if this was the guy I was going to be spending the rest of my life with. I can see it happening, which is crazy and scary all at the same time.

We are going to a wedding this weekend though...should be interesting.

Which guy?

[na§tee]

We are going to a wedding this weekend though...should be interesting.
i'm going to a wedding this weekend too! it was the first thing we have been invited to as a couple.

[Bob]

Yes I have, I showed a couple of pictures of famous people that he kind of looks like, and I'm sure I've mentioned him. He's just like you, Bob, only closer geographically.

well if he's anything like me i'd be careful about marrying him. guys like me are a curious bunch. i'd wait a while longer and see if you're not sick of each other, we get like that pretty suddenly.

although i guess 10 months is pretty long. i get sick of people after 10 minutes. 10 months would be a keeper, if there was ever going to be one.

[cosmo105]

what would you do if your son was at home
crying all alone on the bedroom floor, cause he's hungry
and the only way to get a pasta machine to feed him is to strip for a man,
for a little bit of money, and his daddy's gone
somewhere smokin' rock now in and out of lock down
I got a job now
so for you this is just a good time,
but for me this is what i call life

[ampm]

this past weekend was the first time I've really thought to myself if this was the guy I was going to be spending the rest of my life with.

I'm sure this had nothing to do with being all hopped up on mushrooms.

[Nuzzolese]

well if he's anything like me i'd be careful about marrying him. guys like me are a curious bunch. i'd wait a while longer and see if you're not sick of each other, we get like that pretty suddenly.

although i guess 10 months is pretty long. i get sick of people after 10 minutes. 10 months would be a keeper, if there was ever going to be one.

This is my logic with him. Everyone he knows falls into two groups as far as I can tell - there are people he's known and been loyal to for years, and there are people he can't stand. After 10 months I'm obviously in the former group.

[cosmo105]

We are going to a wedding this weekend though...should be interesting.
that's always a good test.

i think my boyfriend and i kind of knew from the start that we were suited for each other. i just can't imagine being with anyone else. but we also knew that we're really young, and want to wait a while...even 25 sounds too young to me. we've been together 2 years now, and we talk about it sometimes because we feel it's in our future. but i'd never pressure him for it, and i wouldn't want the same from him. his parents are kind of pestering about it (i think the whole living in sin thing bothers them), but we've made it quite clear that won't be happening anytime soon.

when it's the right time, it'll happen.

[Nuzzolese]

that's always a good test.



How so? (going to a wedding)

[Nuzzolese]

When you're married, do you think it's necessary to tell your spouse (or at least be willing to tell your spouse) EVERYTHING you've done?

[Bob]

that's always a good test.

i think my boyfriend and i kind of knew from the start that we were suited for each other. i just can't imagine being with anyone else. but we also knew that we're really young, and want to wait a while...even 25 sounds too young to me. we've been together 2 years now, and we talk about it sometimes because we feel it's in our future. but i'd never pressure him for it, and i wouldn't want the same from him. his parents are kind of pestering about it (i think the whole living in sin thing bothers them), but we've made it quite clear that won't be happening anytime soon.

when it's the right time, it'll happen.

yeah...i mean i always feel phony talking about relationships but i've always kind of felt that marriage isn't something you should just rush into because you feel it right now (profound, aren't i). the rest of your life is a long damn time. think of the time between your very first memory and today; you're going to be married for longer than that.

it just seems like a decision that should be made carefully, that's all

edit: sometimes i quote people and then make no reference to their points in my reply. i don't know why i do that.

[cosmo105]

How so? (going to a wedding)
just the way the person acts as your wedding date...during the ceremony, especially. example: while they're exchanging vows, does your sig. other hold your hand and smile and look at you etc. or does he/she balance his/her checkbook?

[cosmo105]

When you're married, do you think it's necessary to tell your spouse (or at least be willing to tell your spouse) EVERYTHING you've done?
i think it depends on the relationship. if you're open about EVERYTHING beforehand, it's up to you. if you like to keep some things secret and mysterious, that's fine, as long as it's not a secret that's a total dealbreaker like being a heroin addict for 7 years.


you got my hopes up and crushed them, bob. :(

[Echewta]

Have you traveled with him yet? Like over a week? Have you both faced a serious crisis by chance? Do you both have your commuication skills down? Do you both believe the same things spiritually? See any conflicts with his family if you have kids? What will you do if his father spankes your kids?

I didn't think about the stuff above until afterwards. Not that those are deal breakers but just some advise from someone who has been there and done that. I knew my ex for over a year and a half before I proposed. I just knew it was the right time and thing to do. Early 20s. Divorce early 30s which was one of the toughest things i've ever had to do.

Just really think a lot about it Nuzz. Go through all of the bad things in your head to make sure he's the one.

Buzz kill but yea :)

[DandyFop]

Which guy?

We've been going out for about 4 months...he's awesome. Just went on our first trip together, camping, it was great, I'm in love, etc.

[kll]

i met my ex my senior year of college - i was 23 and he was 29. he owned a microbrewery/restaurant and came from a super wealthy family. we moved in together 1 1/2 years later, his dad bought us a house 2 1/2 years into it, we got engaged soon after that and were married close to the 3 1/2 year mark.

we had discussed marriage a lot prior to the engagement. he wanted to be financially secure (without having to rely on his family's money) prior to us getting engaged. finally got married when i was 26 and he was 32. it was all downhill from there...

i am not sure if i truly believe in marriage anymore. some days, i do. other times i am so glad i am not. my theory on marriage now is that before you are married, you dream about your proposal, planning the wedding and/or honeymoon, think about all the cool stuff you will get as gifts, and how amazing it will be to have a place of your own as a married couple. marriage is SO NOT THAT!

[DandyFop]

we had discussed marriage a lot prior to the engagement. he wanted to be financially secure (without having to rely on his family's money) prior to us getting engaged. finally got married when i was 26 and he was 32. it was all downhill from there...


Don't say if you don't want, but what do you mean by downhill specifically?

I know I'm young and naive, etc., but I'm also skeptical. Seeing my parents married for this long is encouraging but strange at the same time because my mother has completely changed from the person she used to be, and I think that's hard on both of them.

[cosmo105]

i just don't see it as a fairy tale thing end-all be-all ultimate accomplishment of life. that's why i can't fathom spending a down payment on a house on a wedding ceremony. it just seems silly to me.

[milleson]

how were you asked?

After prior discussion, this conversation occurred in an airport parking lot.

Me: So are we agreed? Are we going to do this?
Him: Ok, I guess so.

Then he left town for 3 days. About a week later, we were hitched.

[DandyFop]

i'm going to a wedding this weekend too! it was the first thing we have been invited to as a couple.

Let's totally compare notes as to how our guys respond.

You guys have been together forever and this is your first couple invite! crizzazy

[na§tee]

Let's totally compare notes as to how our guys respond.

You guys have been together forever and this is your first couple invite! crizzazy
haha! yes! i know he wants to get married though. he keeps on making sounds about it. he really, really wants to be a house-husband and to let his wifey have a career so he can bring up the kids. i guess he's a catch in that respect!

first invite - ha, don't get me wrong, we have been invited, ya know, out to the pub or for dinner or what not as a couple but this is our first wedding. you know, receiving an official invitation with "claire and ranald" on it through the post when we don't even live together! "claire and ranald are invited to the wedding of beverley blah blah and arthur blah blah on friday..." got nothing to wear yet though. grrr! :mad:

[kll]

Don't say if you don't want, but what do you mean by downhill specifically?

I know I'm young and naive, etc., but I'm also skeptical. Seeing my parents married for this long is encouraging but strange at the same time because my mother has completely changed from the person she used to be, and I think that's hard on both of them.

well, since we had lived together prior to getting engaged, i didn't expect anything to change once we got married...

soon after the wedding, we had some of my family's friends come stay with us for a weekend and he was totally distant, didn't want to participate in any activities with them, etc. i thought it was odd, they thought he was rude. ski season started and he was skiing ALL THE TIME. i worked during the week and was off on weekends, asked him if he could maybe not ski weekends, as he was skiing all week, so we could spend some time together. his answer was simply, "NO." i started to worry as we were drifting apart, then summer would hit and we'd do all of our usual stuff -boating, camping, traveling, etc. ski season would arrive, then i wouldn't see him again. other things started happening too - he started making "rules". i couldn't wear shoes in the house, i had to lose weight, i got too thin, had to gain weight ("guys like to be proud of their wives"). i would cook, clean, etc, but then he'd focus on one thing, like the trash was half full, so i'd get in trouble for not taking the trash out. this is all stuff that happened AFTER we were married. i had no indication that he would be this way prior to getting married. then, no sex. after i left him and he went to therapy,he confessed that he used no sex as a way to control me and a way to punish himself. weird shit. weird weird shit.

ADD: my parents are also still together. it's weird because i always thought they had a really great relationship. they do for the most part, but since my mom's been sick with cancer, she's been doing a lot of talking and part of what has come out is that she's not as happy as i thought she was. my dad is a very stable, moral person, who never raises his voice, so in that sense, she's lucky. the flipside is that he gets caught in a rut and does his own thing and she feels like she's invisible. this was shocking to me, but i realized that no one is everything and that you do end up giving up something to gain something else. the wealthy guys are going to be selfish and busy. the emotional guys who give you all the time in the world most likely won't make much money. you just end up having to decide what works for you.

[DandyFop]

! "claire and ranald are invited to the wedding of beverely blah blah and arthur blah blah on friday..." got nothing to wear yet though. grrr! :mad:

me neither, and he doesn't even have a nice pair of pants or anything. We're gonna be the wedding hobos.

[Rock]

Who here has been married or is married? How did you know it was time to get hitched and how did you ask, or how were you asked?
as cheesy as it sounds....i knew i was going to marry my wife the first time i met her. I just didn't know when.
She was unemployed and was still working on getting her degree and there was no way I could support us both and have time to spend with her....but about 1 1/2 years into our relationship we started talking about it. And decided once we both had our shit together we would do it. So almost after 4 1/2 years of dating, i took her to our favorite spot on skyline drive that we go to every year, actually got down on one knee and said "so do you want to get married n' shit?" Plain and simple. I did feel like a retard getting on one knee but figured if that is what she always wanted then i got it covered, but if it isn't what she wanted we could make fun of me about it...so we do.

When you say he is young....how young is young?

[Nuzzolese]

Have you traveled with him yet? Like over a week? Have you both faced a serious crisis by chance? Do you both have your commuication skills down? Do you both believe the same things spiritually? See any conflicts with his family if you have kids? What will you do if his father spankes your kids?

Those are all good questions, very good. The answer to the first four questions is NO. The spirital one, a maybe. The second to last, a possibly, and the last one, I'd fly into a rage. His dad was abusive. He had to be the father figure for his siblings after his parents' divorce, during his mom's depression.

[mickill]

Have you traveled with him yet? Like over a week? Have you both faced a serious crisis by chance? Do you both have your commuication skills down? Do you both believe the same things spiritually? See any conflicts with his family if you have kids? What will you do if his father spankes your kids?

I didn't think about the stuff above until afterwards. Not that those are deal breakers but just some advise from someone who has been there and done that. I knew my ex for over a year and a half before I proposed. I just knew it was the right time and thing to do. Early 20s. Divorce early 30s which was one of the toughest things i've ever had to do.

Just really think a lot about it Nuzz. Go through all of the bad things in your head to make sure he's the one.

Buzz kill but yea :)

Very good points.

I waited 7 years before I asked. Not that it's in any way necessary to wait that long. It's just that by then I knew we were ready and both wanted to for the right reasons. We'd lived together for about 5 of those 7 years at that point. We had experienced a lot of things for the first time together, gone places/traveled together and each had our share of career changes. We'd endured the worst of fights, eluded various temptations, sacrificed for eachother, hurt eachother, supported one another through very difficult times etc.

We didn't have to wait anywhere near as long as we did, but in some ways I'm glad we did. Both of our parents got divorced while we were kids. Neither of us were taking marriage lightly. It's kind of a big deal, I guess. We wanted a family together. I'll never put our children through what we went through. And I know she wouldn't either.

So yeah, we took our time, I guess. But we've established a very strong foundation. And we've tested it enough times to feel confident about building on it.

[enree erzweglle]

About proposing: I'd be as sure as possible that you want to be the one to do the asking. Because for some women, the concept of the proposal is loaded and how it's planned and executed either is or will become terribly important. Years from now when people ask you how he proposed (and they will ask that, assuming that he did the asking) try to imagine, now, how you'll feel about saying, "I proposed to him." There's nothing wrong with proposing, but it's still a little unorthodox so people will meet that with a weird look. Which, when you're young and maybe a bit rebellious might be an appealing concept but when you're middle-aged-older, it'll probably start to get your pressure up. But I'm thinking that when you're blue-haired-old, people will probably come full circle about that and they'll think that the woman doing the asking was so My Body, Myself that they'll applaud you for it and call you spunky. But in between the rebellion and the spunky part is that part that'll just maybe make you feel doubtful or resentful?

About marriage: Aside of ruling out obvious problems (e.g., basic compatibility, and ability to communicate, support each other, and adapt to unavoidable changes in each other as people) you probably won't know if you are good matches for each other until you go through some time and turmoil together. For me, 10 months isn't at all long enough to feel confidence about those things.

[Nuzzolese]

me neither, and he doesn't even have a nice pair of pants or anything. We're gonna be the wedding hobos.

We went to a wedding not too long ago and it was so fun! I sat between him and his mom, and he held my hand and smiled at me the whole time. Not that I think that means anything at all. It was just a date. But he was an usher so he walked me down the aisle in his tux with me in my long dress and the possibility of us being the ones reading vows didn't even occur to me at the time. I felt no significance.

[Nuzzolese]

Mickill do you think it's essential to live together before marriage? Would/ did sharing space without lifelong commitment result in less compromise on someone's part, if not both of your parts?

I hate the way I ended that sentence, "your parts" wtf?

[QueenAdrock]

i took her to our favorite spot on skyline drive that we go to every year

Skyline is beautiful. Classy choice. (y)

[Nuzzolese]

About proposing: I'd be as sure as possible that you want to be the one to do the asking. Because for some women, the concept of the proposal is loaded and how it's planned and executed either is or will become terribly important. Years from now when people ask you how he proposed (and they will ask that, assuming that he did the asking) try to imagine, now, how you'll feel about saying, "I proposed to him." There's nothing wrong with proposing, but it's still a little unorthodox so people will meet that with a weird look. Which, when you're young and maybe a bit rebellious might be an appealing concept but when you're middle-aged-older, it'll probably start to get your pressure up. But I'm thinking that when you're blue-haired-old, people will probably come full circle about that and they'll think that the woman doing the asking was so My Body, Myself that they'll applaud you for it and call you spunky. But in between the rebellion and the spunky part is that part that'll just maybe make you feel doubtful or resentful?


Although literally popping the question sounds exciting, I mostly want to open the discussion, and use my laser pointer and graphs.

[Echewta]

The second to last, a possibly, and the last one, I'd fly into a rage. His dad was abusive. He had to be the father figure for his siblings after his parents' divorce, during his mom's depression.

See, things to think about. What if the dad did that, you flew into a rage, how would boyfriend react? Etc.

Most important thing though is can he cook?

[hpdrifter]

Have you traveled with him yet? Like over a week? Have you both faced a serious crisis by chance? Do you both have your commuication skills down? Do you both believe the same things spiritually? See any conflicts with his family if you have kids? What will you do if his father spankes your kids?


Wow. I think this really sums it up for me. Good post, Echewta.

[Qdrop]

Nuzz, you're obviously not ready.

go back and re-read your posts.

[DandyFop]

Wow. I think this really sums it up for me. Good post, Echewta.

Yeah I think I'm gonna write his questions down on a post-it note and make sure I consider each and every one of them before I think about the marriage thing

[mickill]

Mickill do you think it's essential to live together before marriage? Would/ did sharing space without lifelong commitment result in less compromise on someone's part, if not both of your parts?

I hate the way I ended that sentence, "your parts" wtf?

No. Not at all. But I do think it's good (maybe even necessary) to experience a bit of conflict together, both with eachother and the world. I mean, it's inevitable. You're going to endure some difficult times together. It'd be good to know how you would respond/react to them before you get all connubial with eachother. Who knows how you'd feel if he started hanging around his ex a lot or if one of you developed an addiction or stated balding prematurely?

[Rock]

I think most of these posts kind of lead back to the same thing. See how it goes for a little while more so you CAN experience some of the things mentioned above and take it from there.

[mickill]

I mean, you should look at marriage as your vehicle. It's your life car. You gotta do the routine maintenance on it, you have to fuel it (with love!), you have to keep it clean (and untainted) and all of that. BUT PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY you want a safe car. Yeah, I mean, it's great to have all the fancy little options added to it, like cruise and a/c, but at the end of the day, if your marital car gets into a bit of a fender bender, you want to make sure that a) you're both properly "restrained" and b) that your car can withstand the impact and that you're not both "crushed" :( by whatever hits you. Volvo tests for frontal collisions, offset collisions, cars hitting another vehicle or object. They look at the big picture, they take the holistic approach, as well as probe all the individual details. You want to do the same with your relationship. And that could take some time.

It doesn't hurt for the car to be sexy either btw.

[Bob]

again, i have no frame of reference for relationships, but i think it would be important to live together for a while before getting married (assuming you plan to live together after marriage). i know that i personally can completely 180 my opinion of a person if i have to live with them. i had a friend in college, i knew him for about a year, then the next year we decided to be roommates, and i hated him about a month in. i like him again now, but man. wanted to kill him. maybe it'd be different if i thought i were in love (WITH A WOMAN), but i dunno. probably not.

maybe i'm just an antisocial weirdo, but i'd definitely consider trying out the cohabitating thing before jumping into a big committment

[DandyFop]

volvos are my favorites/the "family" car. Does that mean my future marriage will be awesome? Cool.

[DandyFop]

again, i have no frame of reference for relationships, but i think it would be important to live together for a while before getting married (assuming you plan to live together after marriage).

I heard somewhere that living together doesn't make a difference as far as percentages of marriages that stay together, or some shit. Yeah.

[HEIRESS]

well my thoughts on this are *bursts into tears*

[hpdrifter]

Ha, car analogy. I think I am currently riding in a '92 Scirroco.

I lived with my fiance for 4 years. We didn't get married, but it didn't have anything to do with living together.

[Bob]

edit

[hpdrifter]

But you're Bob and you approved that message!

[mickill]

volvos are my favorites/the "family" car. Does that mean my future marriage will be awesome? Cool.
It's an analogy! You're being too literal, man. I wasn't telling her to buy a Volvo.

[Bob]

But you're Bob and you approved that message!

i started talking about me and i didn't wanna be a douchebag and change the subject. just pretend that i really approve of the word "edit"

[ms.peachy]

I keep wanting to write a serious and thoughtful reply to this but I'm juggling making dinner and changing the baby and stuff and only have like two minutes each time I pass by the computer. So I'm like no help at all really. Sorry :( I'll try to get back to this later; someone remind me, OK?

[kll]

Nuzz has always seemed like a very analytical kind of person who thinks and thinks and thinks about all sorts of things... She has also appeared in the past to shy away from relationships and was so independent with her thoughts and actions... I am pleasantly surprised that she (you) have reached this point in your life where this is being considered...

[cosmo105]

I keep wanting to write a serious and thoughtful reply to this but I'm juggling making dinner and changing the baby and stuff and only have like two minutes each time I pass by the computer. So I'm like no help at all really. Sorry :( I'll try to get back to this later; someone remind me, OK?
i think this is good advice in its own way. heh.


i asked myself all of Echewta's questions, and wow, i felt more than confident answering all of them.

it boils down to - if he asked me today, i'd say yes, but let's have a long engagement. or something along those lines. at this point i know that i'd be a very lucky woman to marry him, but i also know that i'm young enough to make rash decisions and ought to wait until my life's settled down some. we're both too young. we have a lot of growing and changing still ahead of us...and if we can do that together, we can make it through anything.


(i'd like to think of us as a VW or a Mini. cute and quirky but surprisingly reliable and safe, and very fun to drive. other people are always way jealous of it too.)

[mickill]

i think this is good advice in its own way. heh.
Oh give me a FRIGGIN break!

[cosmo105]

don't you mean...brake?



:(

[DandyFop]

cosmo, all you really need to know is how to drive a stick

[mickill]

Don't exploit my analogical weaknesses, women.

[cosmo105]

automatic's so much easier than manual though

[Nuzzolese]

We'd have a lot of problems and issues to deal with, but we'd have to work through them whether married or not. I would like to know that all the effort and changes we're going through are ultimately going to mean a life together.

I think there are a lot of differing opinions about the point of getting married - not BEING married and what that involves - but the purpose of actually getting married. I know a lot of people who see no point in it, that it's just an expensive ceremony and name change that means nothing, that two people can make vows to one another without involving anyone else. I've heard people say that a marriage is nothing more than a public celebration of a union that is already in place. Others think of it more as a passageway into a different way of life for a couple, as in, NOW that they're married they are this way.

[Bob]

lol you said anal

welp, that post didn't go well. i'm just gonna keep it though. as a reminder not to make them anymore

[cosmo105]

^i think of it more of the former than the latter. i think the latter's more for a very religious service/couple.

rofl anal!

[DandyFop]

It's an analogy!

Don't exploit my analogical weaknesses, women.

mickill likes buttz

[enree erzweglle]

I agree with what someone else said above. You have to see it (marriage, in this case) as a thing that'll aid you in this life, you know? You can do it alone and maybe you want to do it alone and that's okay or you can do it with this person that you've found who helps you to grow as a person and who you can ride out the rough times with and enjoy the good times too. Over the years, I've seen so many relationships fail because of communication problems OR because one side couldn't accept/handle that their mate was changing or had changed.

About relationships, by nature, I tend to think [too?] deeply when it comes to some things and sometimes in a serious relationship, that can be harmful if the other person isn't open to it or is threatened by it. I think you're the same way (analytical) in some respects? If so, is he open to that tendency in you? What about when you apply it to him? (Because I knew a guy who loved that analytical, inquisitive aspect of my personality and who admired it and encouraged it except when I turned it onto him. If I aimed that at other people or situations, he'd say that I was perceptive; if I aimed it at him, I was some other adjective. :))

[mickill]

I said some other stuff too, you know, douchebags. It's not like all I said was anal.

[DandyFop]

all I said was anal.and I like buttz

:eek:

[Nuzzolese]

Someone who will help you grow as a person.

That's kind of a self serving reason to get married. Not that it's a bad thing, and of course some reasons to get married are going to be self serving otherwise it would be an unbalanced match. How can you tell when your impulses are self serving in the wrong way?

[mickill]

enree said it too, you bastards.

[Bob]

i'm sorry i anussed up your thread nuzz

[Nuzzolese]

This is no way to get on the guest list.

[abcdefz]

I think marriage should be two people who respect each other as individuals, agree on the big stuff (and agree on what the big stuff is), and want to really be helpmates to one another. Marriage should be a sanctuary.

[Qdrop]

i always get kind of bothered when i hear people (young or otherwise) talk about getting married when they've only dated for months....and when they talk about getting married like it's JUST about finding a cool, romantic, sexy party buddy.

it's like they envision their current superfunawesomelustful times and extend them into the future, thinking that will be what it's like.

no, you are gaining a life-partner.
when you say you "this is who i want to spend the rest of my life with"...this is what you are saying:

i will love this person, and hate them, many times over the rest of my life...i must live through both.
i will only have sex with this person for the rest of my life (barring an open marriage).
i will have many hard times with this person, i will question/worry about our future together many times.
the person i marry, will not be same when they die. they will change. i have no idea what that change will bring. NO IDEA.
this person will question this marriage often. probably verbally. i must be strong enough to work through it with them.
this is the person i will lean on when my other loved ones die.
this is person will want to lean on me when thier loved ones die.
this person will never like everything i like.
i will never like everything this person likes.
-and it will bug the living shit out of both of us till we die.
at times, i will not recognize them.
at times, they will not recognize me.

^if you can get through that, then you will also be able to enjoy the superfunhappy stuff that will come along with it...the stuff you are experiencing NOW, the stuff that is making think you want to spend your life with them.

IMO, there is no fucking way you can answer those questions if you've only been with the person for months....hell many people don't even know THEMSELVES well enough yet to answer those questions.

my parents got divorced. they both got re-married to other people, and then divorced again.
i come from a huge family....almost all of them have divorce in thier past.
i have a pretty good, first-hand account as to how bad marriages can be if people don't consider the things i listed above.

[Nuzzolese]

And we already have those problems so we're on our way!

[enree erzweglle]

God, I think it's one of the most important things to help each other to grow as people and maybe it's a selfish consideration but I think it's okay to think in those terms to a degree or you risk being stagnant. I have real ideas about where I want to go this time around and he has to support me in that--in my relationships, when that support hasn't been given unconditionally, it's just been very hard to be myself. I've been fortunate in that department, though, but I watch out for early signs of guys acting jealous/possessive of me in terms of who I spend time with and in terms of my own self, you know?

One of the things that I love most about my relationships--regardless of whether/not they're intimate--is when a friend helps me to grow, shares the times in my life and helps me to see through the hard times and move onto the lessons. This person (your future spouse) is someone who should be an absolutely great friend to you. So much of what people think about when they're considering marriage pertainsto other relationships as well.

[enree erzweglle]

I don't know that I agree with someone's assessment (somewhere in this thread) about marriage being a sanctuary. Maybe I'm thinking about that word too literally, but sanctuary sounds way, way too bounded to me, too constricting. I think I've felt claustrophobic in my relationships when we were so, so tightly woven that we couldn't ponder a thought without the other person knowing it and where there were assumptions that every iota of me belonged in some common area. I'm most comfortable in my intimate relationships when I feel safe to say anything or nothing at all.

[miss soul fire]

i'm going to a wedding this weekend too! it was the first thing we have been invited to as a couple.

Oh, me too! Except the wedding is on September 2nd! And we've been together for only 2 months and I'm old AND he's much older.:p :D

[cosmo105]

when you say you "this is who i want to spend the rest of my life with"...this is what you are saying:

i will love this person, and hate them, many times over the rest of my life...i must live through both.
i will only have sex with this person for the rest of my life (barring an open marriage).
i will have many hard times with this person, i will question/worry about our future together many times.
the person i marry, will not be same when they die. they will change. i have no idea what that change will bring. NO IDEA.
this person will question this marriage often. probably verbally. i must be strong enough to work through it with them.
this is the person i will lean on when my other loved ones die.
this is person will want to lean on me when thier loved ones die.
this person will never like everything i like.
i will never like everything this person likes.
-and it will bug the living shit out of both of us till we die.
at times, i will not recognize them.
at times, they will not recognize me.

hrm. pretty good list there.

everyone in his family has been divorced several times...both his parents, at least 3. his grandparents too. they've got a bad track record. my dad was married twice before my mom, and my mom once before him...but that's about it on my side of the family. hell, my grandparents have been married 60+ years. i really look at their marriage as a model. she still sits on his lap when there aren't enough chairs, and they still call each other their pet names and hold hands when they're out. aww.

[ampm]

Nuzz and Dandy should get married together like Jan and Marcia Brady did. Do it!

[DandyFop]

i always get kind of bothered when i hear people (young or otherwise) talk about getting married when they've only dated for months....and when they talk about getting married like it's JUST about finding a cool, romantic, sexy party buddy.


I think you are right...while I am very happy right now, I've also been here before. I was with someone who I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life, but it didn't work out. I realize that I've only been with my current guy for a very short time span, but I am really looking forward to seeing how/if it all works out. I would never think of getting married at this point - but I have been wondering to myself if this is going to be it or not, albeit, a few years (at least) down the road.

We've basically both had extremely open schedules the past three months, and have spent a lot of time toghether - that will all change in the next few weeks. He starts school where he has to be there at 7 am (no more late nights), and works a few nights a week, etc. I will also be starting a new job. I'm really interested to see if we can handle not being able to see each other as much. It's either going to make us stronger, or more distant.

[cosmo105]

i do agree with q and mickill that you have to go through a lot of changes in your lives together first before really being able to make that committment. but along the lines of what rock said...i really knew from the start that i could see myself with him for the rest of my life.

[Nuzzolese]

Nuzz and Dandy should get married together like Jan and Marcia Brady did. Do it!

Did they get married together? I didn't see that episode. Brilliant suggestion.

[Nuzzolese]

Cosmo you're not even married, how can you know?

[cosmo105]

Cosmo you're not even married, how can you know?
*shrug* i know, i know. i'm just saying. it'll probably happen. if it doesn't, it doesn't. but we're both planning on it.

[kll]

Since you do SO much changing in your 20's, I think it's best to take your time and not make such a massive commitment at a young age... you are most definitely not the person at 25 as you will be at 30 or older...

[cosmo105]

Since you do SO much changing in your 20's, I think it's best to take your time and not make such a massive commitment at a young age... you are most definitely not the person at 25 as you will be at 30 or older...
exactly my reasoning. that's why i don't understand people that actually want to be parents at such a young age. god, even 29 sounds too young to have kids. *shiver*

[mickill]

I was naive and stupid when I was your age too, cosmo. A lot can change in 10 years or whatever.

[cosmo105]

oog, all this marriage talk is getting me all worried. i'm too young for all that. what matters is we're happy where we are. please god, i'm only 17...

[kll]

exactly my reasoning. that's why i don't understand people that actually want to be parents at such a young age. god, even 29 sounds too young to have kids. *shiver*


haha. my 30-year old brother and his 25-year old wife have asked to move back in with my parents (they've been married less than a year), so they can save money to have kids. NOT to save for a downpayment on a house mindyou, but to save for kids as they "don't want to be old parents"...

[cosmo105]

haha. my 30-year old brother and his 25-year old wife have asked to move back in with my parents (they've been married less than a year), so they can save money to have kids. NOT to save for a downpayment on a house mindyou, but to save for kids as they "don't want to be old parents"...
oh my god. what's wrong with being old parents?? why not call it financially independent and stable parents?

[HOTWIFE]

If you feel like you're ready then go for it Nuzz. Being married to the right person is awesome...the pro's definitely outway the con's. May I suggest a new name for you if you do it...SMARTWIFE! ahaha i kill me

[kll]

oh my god. what's wrong with being old parents?? why not call it financially independent and stable parents?


the sad thing is, they are feeling peer pressure amongst their friends as they are all doing the same thing...

*sighs*

[na§tee]

oog, all this marriage talk is getting me all worried. i'm too young for all that. what matters is we're happy where we are. please god, i'm only 17...
woah woah woah! you're 17?! fo' realz? i guess i could look at your profile, but it's too late now!
edit: okay, so you're not. i knew you were around my age! it's getting towards bed time, like. i'm going crazy.

[venusvenus123]

It's a binding before God, yo. It doesn't mean anything without the God element.
really? is that sarcasm? :confused:


the word "propose" is so weird when you think about it. i propose that we now make a public statement about our relationship, yada yada. it should just be a mutual decision two grown ups come to, really. why on earth it should be the man who does the proposing i don't know. so if you feel like proposing the idea, then why not.

anyway, nuzz... what's the rush? that's the only advice i can add to what's already been said. no rush. 10 months? :eek:
how about five years...?

[monkey]

ummmmmm. love is great.

[yeah_whatever]

i'm never getting married. i may live in sin with someone but i'll never get married. marriage ruins everything...that's right...everything.

(n) thumbs down, yo (n)

[skra75]

(n) don't fucking do it (n)

[milleson]

Psh, marriage can be awesome, too. (y)

[Documad]

He's young and we're poor
If your question is a serious one, how young is he and how poor are you both? Are either or both of you planning on being less poor at some point? You can call me a mean bitch, but I could not be poor forever. My parents fought every single night of my entire childhood over money.

Would you be willing to wipe his ass? Feed him? Would he do that for you? You might think those are dramatic questions, but my mother and brother have had to do both for their spouses.

My #1 suggestion was already made by someone else -- take a whirlwind trip to several countries together for at least three weeks.

I'd also seriously talk about everything. I'd even recommend seeing a counselor if you have trouble coming up with questions. I have friends who married after agreeing not to have kids and then the wife decides at 38 years old that she wants them after all (it happened to at least six couples I can think of right now -- the most recent couple split after 12 years together because she wants a baby and that wasn't the deal). Or guys who wanted kids so bad and then didn't like being a dad after they have them. The worst is my friends who married and left the question undiscussed or who weren't honest about the answers. It seems like it's easier if you're both very religious and you just assume that you're going to have a bunch of them.

There are a million things but I'm with enree. If you aren't going to help each other grow over the next 50 or so years, what would be the point of getting married? My god, I've grown so much since I was 25 and I just love how I've changed. When I see the guys I used to adore, it scares the shit out of me sometimes. :rolleyes:

[g-mile7]

Q is right on this point. Unless you have known him 4 a bit b4 you both started dating and have had several long talks on this I would say wait. Too many young people are rushing into marriage and you seem to always be "in your thoughts" 2 not think deeply about this.

[Lo_Lyfe]

The first page reads like 'How to get dumped in 15 minutes'. You're a lunatic if you want to ask after 10 months, but whatever. Most marriages fail anyway, it may as well be one with a poor foundation, made in bad judgement.

[Kid Presentable]

I get married in about 11 weeks. We're so happy, and both can't wait. To have found my perfect match in a person who's not quite perfect for me is amazing. It's like we aren't the same person, but we share the same life. We travelled together for 2 years, worked together, dealt with deaths, dealt with births. If at any point I didn't feel comfortable, or she didn't, then I don't doubt it would have ended. And the same would apply once we're married. Shit is not perfect, but it's perfect for us, you know?

So you need to check what you're looking for; because marraige doesn't ensure a relationship is lifelong. If anything is noted from the posts above, it potentially weakens relationships. After 10 months, if she asked me to marry her, I would have freaked and run. Don't dictate the pace of the relationship, just enjoy what you have. I asked after we'd been together 3 years, and we'll have had 5 years together by the time it's done.

It's similar to the whole heaven thing; you'll waste the time you have on Earth if all you're worried about is getting into heaven. Enjoy what you have.

[befsquire]

i try and try to get bobby to introduce me to people as his first wife, but he won't do it. i find it hilarious.

anyway...

i'm on marriage #2 so i'm not at all qualified to give advice. but i'm gonna. i feel like if you know it's right and that's where you want to be for the rest of your life, why put off the inevitable because it fits someone else's perception of the proper relationship timeline? anyone can come up with a positive or negative for the amount of time a couple have been together, so you can't base it on someone else's relationship. plus, yours isn't going to be like anyone else's. ever.

i guess watching my mom die made me think about how very little time she had being really happy. i don't know whether i'm going to get cancer like her and die in another 22 years, or whether i'll have a heart attack like my dad's brother and die tomorrow (actually, i've outlived him by 3 years already).

if it would be worth it to you to work on the relationship to keep it together as it stands now, then it's likely worth it to marry and deal with the issues that come up as they come, since you can't plan for the unknown.

do what makes you happy as long as it doesn't cause another to suffer unnecessarily.

[Kid Presentable]

do what makes you happy as long as it doesn't cause another to suffer unnecessarily.

Haha. Regarding marriage?

And seriously, the very fact that Nuzzolese is laughing about marriage shows me she isn't ready for it. Timeline schmimeline.

[Lyman Zerga]

wish: i want to get married :)(y)
problem: no one wants to marry me :mad:(n)

[fraserallison]

He's young and we're poor but we could support each other. We practically live together anyway. I think it's time we get married. I don't see any reason to wait, except that we've only been going together for ten months and I would probably have to talk him into it with maybe a presentation. Now, just because he may not be immediately keen on the idea, it doesn't mean it isn't a good idea. Who here has been married or is married? How did you know it was time to get hitched and how did you ask, or how were you asked?

what a freak you are

[Nuzzolese]

I brought up the issue yesterday, first he asked if I was pregnant, then he said we should wait to get engaged at least until his divorce is final, and ideally until he's in his twenties.

[skra75]

I brought up the issue yesterday, first he asked if I was pregnant, then he said we should wait to get engaged at least until his divorce is final, and ideally until he's in his twenties.


yes, definately wait until his Divorce is final. Poor guy. Watch out for the rebound, it may bite you in the ass.

[Kid Presentable]

Sounds wacky!

[Lyman Zerga]

take your time

dont pressure yourself

i mean youre not in your 50s or are you?

no clue


well in fact im not any better but only cause i want a baby so badly bad but didnt even held hands with a guy yet

[Kid Presentable]

Just let the opinion of your peers dictate your decision.

[monkey]

I brought up the issue yesterday, first he asked if I was pregnant, then he said we should wait to get engaged at least until his divorce is final, and ideally until he's in his twenties.

im laughing so hard right now. i just started coughing from laughing so hard. oh man.

[adam_f]

Without knowing who authored this thread, I assumed it was Pauli.

[venusvenus123]

just shake the eight ball for your answer.

[Nuzzolese]

For now we're just getting matching tattoos.

[Kid Presentable]

Clever.

[enree erzweglle]

I brought up the issue yesterday, first he asked if I was pregnant, then he said we should wait to get engaged at least until his divorce is final, and ideally until he's in his twenties.I assumed that you were joking, yes?

[Nuzzolese]

Yes, yes. We talked about it and we're going to wait about 5 years.

[Kid Presentable]

Do whatever you want to do. People are just saying.

[monkey]

Yes, yes. We talked about it and we're going to wait about 5 years.

i really like that. i dont understand people in reltionships where talking about the future or the possibility of marriage is a taboo subject. i mean, if you really have this love for each other, then what is the issue with talking about it? it's not as if the minute you talk about it, it becomes a done deal.

[Echewta]

only get married if the rock is big enough. Not the rock guy from the board. I don't even want to think if he is big enough. I mean like a ring rock. That fancy carbon stuff.

[Bob]

I brought up the issue yesterday, first he asked if I was pregnant, then he said we should wait to get engaged at least until his divorce is final, and ideally until he's in his twenties.

at LEAST wait until he finishes high school

[QueenAdrock]

i really like that. i dont understand people in reltionships where talking about the future or the possibility of marriage is a taboo subject. i mean, if you really have this love for each other, then what is the issue with talking about it?

For me, the issue was that whenever we talked about it it became a very sore subject because we both knew his father would disown him if he married me. We loved each other very, very much, but it was a taboo subject because we were half-waiting it out to see if his father came around. Everytime I brought up a possible engagement, he'd tell me he didn't want to talk about it because I'd get upset. I should have known then that we would never get married (I mean, I kinda knew but just hoped that he'd have the balls to stand up to his dad one day), but when you're that in love, you'll do anything to protect your relationship. You really don't want to think about the possibility of breaking up, so you just both wait...and wait. Until one of them snaps and realizes that he can't give up his family and he's so sorry for hurting you and he shouldn't have put you through this from the get-go, but he just can't go on.

Either way, that's one reason why I'm scared to talk about the future, mostly because I'm afraid of the answers. I'd like to think I have stability and things are going in the right direction, but I'm too afraid to talk about it. So I just don't. :(

[befsquire]

Haha. Regarding marriage?
no, life in general. however, if the shoe fits...


anyway, i now see this thread is the joke i was wondering if it was. glad i didn't read it all and took the time to type a serious reply.

[beastiegirrl101]

^but that's just it...its a chance you take.

[Nuzzolese]

So you get divorced because you're bored and frustrated and the money's no good? It's not like one of you is unfaithful or abusive or absent? Why not just stick it out together and suck it up and move past the difficult times? Why couldn't you help each other?

[skra75]

/\ /\ /\
fear it, fucking fear it.
sounds good. shit, true love is good, real good. seeing old people holding hands is good. divorce, divorce is not fucking good.

[QueenAdrock]

I dunno, the way some people talk about marriage you'd think the divorce rate was 100%. I see people like my great aunt and uncle, who were madly in love and married for 65 years, before she died. He misses her so much, it's so heartbreaking to see him like he is now. Whatever happened to more stories like that? Anyone else know of any heartwarming tales of great marriages? I know they're out there.

[Nuzzolese]

Ohhhh god, never try to talk about any of this stuff with a bitter woman who's been living with her boyfriend for 5 years. She's like "don't wait that long or you'll never get married!" She rushed into her first marriage because she was pregnant and the father said "I'm not having another kid unless I'm married!" Romantic proposal, huh?

[Nuzzolese]

Nah, that isn't my story at all guys.
It's just a very common vanilla-type divorce story.

The point I'm trying to make is that the relationship turns down a path you didn't expect and things happen that you would never have planned on. SHIT HAPPENS.

Nobody gets married and doesn't think that it won't last forever, yet half of them don't last forever.

But half of them do. So what you're saying is, plans for lifelong monogamy are fine, just don't bother with marriage becuase if something goes wrong it only makes it worse? You're saying that remaining together but unmarried leaves you with an escape plan?

[Yeti]

Who here has been married or is married? How did you know it was time to get hitched and how did you ask, or how were you asked?

I knew my wife for 8 months when I proposed. I knew from the 1st time we met that she was for me. I dated a woman for 5 years and another for 3 years with short flings sandwiched throughout my single life. Those long relationships were filled with love yet they were filled with struggle. My wife and I have been married for over 5 years. No fights--no strife--no problems. She is a good fun loving woman. I would just say that you will know. Although it is obuse it is the truth.

[Nuzzolese]

No, I don't call it an escape plan, I was asking you if you called it that, or considered it to be that.

The thing is, it's not butterflies, I'm not simply enamoured of him. I know he's not perfect and I can see clearly several of the problems we're undoubtedly going to encounter, and I'm sure there are others I haven't thought of. I expect that. But I do hate other people's interference and pressure one way or the other. Some people tell me we should move in together and hurry up and get married within the next couple of years, some say I shouldn't get so serious with someone like him. They say, "he's a rebel and he'll never ever be any good, he's a rebel cause he never ever does what he should." But just because he doesn't do what everybody else does, doesn't mean that I can't give him all my love.

[Bob]

what's he rebelling against?

[abcdefz]

Whaddya got?

[skra75]

LOL

[Bob]

i dunno why i do that, but i don't totally regret it

[ampm]

I got married in a garage.




















I couldn't back out.

[kll]

I dunno, the way some people talk about marriage you'd think the divorce rate was 100%. I see people like my great aunt and uncle, who were madly in love and married for 65 years, before she died. He misses her so much, it's so heartbreaking to see him like he is now. Whatever happened to more stories like that? Anyone else know of any heartwarming tales of great marriages? I know they're out there.

People like this existed in this time because women didn't fuck up the world by going out and getting jobs... people stayed married because there were 1-car families, the wife never left the neighborhood, didn't meet anyone beyond the other housewives on the street, they were raised to cater to the men when they got home from work... the men weren't lacking for anything and the women had no clue there was more out there. that's why there are stories from back then.

[ampm]

People like this existed in this time because women didn't fuck up the world by going out and getting jobs... people stayed married because there were 1-car families, the wife never left the neighborhood, didn't meet anyone beyond the other housewives on the street, they were raised to cater to the men when they got home from work... the men weren't lacking for anything and the women had no clue there was more out there. that's why there are stories from back then.

Oh, the good old days.

[milleson]

You're only as faithful as your options.
WTF?

[kll]

You're only as faithful as your options.

I heard Chris Rock on Howard Stern say that exact quote...

[Documad]

They say, "he's a rebel and he'll never ever be any good, he's a rebel cause he never ever does what he should." But just because he doesn't do what everybody else does, doesn't mean that I can't give him all my love.

Does he always buy on the installment plan?

When he hits you, does it feel like a kiss?

[mickill]

You can't really generalize relationships.

Basically it takes two people who are each willing to make an effort, make sacrifices, be patient, be loyal, be forgiving, groom themselves, bathe regularly, be decent in the sack, be interesting, be trusting, keep things tidy, not be selfish, not be lazy and not do too many stupid things in order to make a marriage work. You both try to stay on top of as many of those things as you can and you compensate for the other where they have trouble.

[ampm]

The sex is unbelievable, their Vagina tastes like cinnamon!

Isn't this a line from a GMile song?

[Lex Diamonds]

Marriages usually end in murder, divorce, or death from disease. Think of THAT when you kiss the bride!