View Full Version : Relationshit: with Da 'Lock
Okay kay kay! Y'all need to tell me your relations problems and I'll handle up on it with some actual factual advice. Don't be scared! Unless you have crappy problems that are easily solveable. Then be scuurrred. I would never make some shit up, fasho. :cool: So come wit it.
HOTWIFE
08-23-2006, 08:26 PM
my hubby he's a short short man. help yo.
TurdBerglar
08-23-2006, 08:30 PM
my hand grows porcupine quills
The Notorious LOL
08-23-2006, 08:33 PM
nurrtime me and mah lady is knockin bootz she wants to watch da Game Show Network. How cans I get her to knock that shit off?
my hubby he's a short short man. help yo.
First of all you need to give me your home address and PM a picture of yourself. If I do not show up within a reasonable time period then take deez advices.
DO NOT get a penis pump since Austin Powers is a movie. Them pills don't work. And a bionic penis is just Brian Fellows crazy. You need to get him to lick dat shit or at least use some toyz on you (not big onez) and get you close n shits. I'm talking at least 10-15 minutes of hottt fourplay. Once he puts his minnie driver in then you prolly gonna bus' one on him. See how it do then if that doesn't work I might have one of my boys from around the way stop by. You know how we do!
Bitchamachacha
08-23-2006, 08:57 PM
Dear ET,
So, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he was all like.."I LOOOOVES UUU!" and I took him back.
Does that make me a moron..and why do men always whip out the "love" card at the last minute?
HOTWIFE
08-23-2006, 08:57 PM
DO NOT get a penis pump since Austin Powers is a movie. Them pills don't work. And a bionic penis is just Brian Fellows crazy. You need to get him to lick dat shit or at least use some toyz on you (not big onez) and get you close n shits. I'm talking at least 10-15 minutes of hottt fourplay. Once he puts his minnie driver in then you prolly gonna bus' one on him. See how it do then if that doesn't work I might have one of my boys from around the way stop by. You know how we do!
I'm Brian Fellows. I'M BRIAN FELLOWS!
Thanks. Ima follow yous advice.
my hand grows porcupine quills
I got some of them shits down in my Girbauds. You gotta trim them shits, first off. It's from all of the Palmela Anderson and her 5 sisters actione. Next time, put a surgical glove on (real cheap at The Dollar Tree) and go to town with the Jergens. Therefore you will not have skin on skin. That is a loophoe. If the quills persist find an old lady who needs some home care and offer your services for a small fee. Shit, call HOTWIFE.
Lex Diamonds
08-23-2006, 08:59 PM
I keep having this dream where Hitler has assholes for eyes and I fuck them and come in both of them and then I make Mussolini lick it out of there like he's eating a Creme Egg. What should I do?
RaZoRbLaDe KiSs
08-23-2006, 09:00 PM
My boyfriend likes to do it doggie style so he can watch X files..
haha
nurrtime me and mah lady is knockin bootz she wants to watch da Game Show Network. How cans I get her to knock that shit off?
Firs' of, you need some TiVo. You can always VHS that shit too. Is it LINGO? I love that show. With Chuck Eubanks! Ahahaha, I bet she watches for them hoes on the show. I dos. Anyway, you should probably also not try to bang da bitch while LINGO is playing. Also, hide your cable box. Pretend your cat peed in it. Shave your cat as a fake "punishment"! Ahaha. Then put that bitch on myspace.
Dear ET,
So, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he was all like.."I LOOOOVES UUU!" and I took him back.
Does that make me a moron..and why do men always whip out the "love" card at the last minute?
Dear Bitchahaha.
You musta been dick whipped or somethin. Cuz that shit always works. Don't beLIEve him tho if he never said it before. I do not use that card. It is disrespectful to Thee Game. Instead I find mash fashed girls with hot bods and low self esteem, then I compliment them whilst I fondle yonder asses. In a matter of hours I bone them and regret it a few weeks later.
So don't fall for it. Make him lick your ass then dump him again the next day.
I keep having this dream where Hitler has assholes for eyes and I fuck them and come in both of them and then I make Mussolini lick it out of there like he's eating a Creme Egg. What should I do?
You ought to turn it into some Hentai porn. Shit would be flying off the shelves. Write a script wit some school girls getting tentacle raped by tentacles comin out of Hitler's neck. Send it to some Japanese dudes somehow. That's the hard part. Oh, when you make some dough off of that I needs my cut. THNX.
My boyfriend likes to do it doggie style so he can watch X files..
haha
Uh, I don't know if there's somethin wrong in your anus but the ones I look at while going in le doggie aren't X shaped... they're more like O's. I hope you aint got ass raped. Sorry, dog. :(
Bitchamachacha
08-23-2006, 09:39 PM
Dear Bitchahaha.
You musta been dick whipped or somethin. Cuz that shit always works. Don't beLIEve him tho if he never said it before. I do not use that card. It is disrespectful to Thee Game. Instead I find mash fashed girls with hot bods and low self esteem, then I compliment them whilst I fondle yonder asses. In a matter of hours I bone them and regret it a few weeks later.
So don't fall for it. Make him lick your ass then dump him again the next day.
But...but..he made me a lighter with Easy E on it. :(
befsquire
08-23-2006, 11:19 PM
bitcha, are you down with the e-a-z-y-e?
yo, exxaterresrial
erry time my man sittin on my chest wif his cock in my mouf and his balls on my titties, it gets hot in hurrrr like da a/c ain't down wit it no mo. i needs my a/c, ya heard me? i don mind sweatin fo my man, yo, but i can'ts be gettin too hot too quick cuz shit gets crazy dizzy. how can i be chill and stay hot?
HEIRESS
08-23-2006, 11:56 PM
where are all the men that can make a woman go "ai bahbee"?
cosmo105
08-24-2006, 12:01 AM
how many bjs a week is too many?
Lyman Zerga
08-24-2006, 08:16 AM
I keep having this dream where Hitler has assholes for eyes and I fuck them and come in both of them and then I make Mussolini lick it out of there like he's eating a Creme Egg. What should I do?
you too?
i thought i was the only one
Lex Diamonds
08-24-2006, 08:29 AM
you too?
i thought i was the only one
Oh I'm so relieved. Thanks for being as much of a twisted sexual deviant as I am!
Freebasser
08-24-2006, 08:30 AM
My girlfriend is dead.
How do I destroy the evidence?
But...but..he made me a lighter with Easy E on it. :(
Unless dis dude's got a professional etching machine he did not make dat either! He's a tru playa tho. Hell, I would lie too on that. Any bitch needs an Eazy-E zippo. Was it a zippo? I bet it was a Bic from the 7-11 with a sticker he printed off of his PC. An he prolly didn't even have Eazy-E's time of death or R.I.P. on it or anything. You know what, scratch dat. You need a black man who'll take care of you and go more out of his way to deceive you and buy you more expensive gifts with crack money. Forget about that honkey and his mediocre gifts.
You're welcome.
bitcha, are you down with the e-a-z-y-e?
yo, exxaterresrial
erry time my man sittin on my chest wif his cock in my mouf and his balls on my titties, it gets hot in hurrrr like da a/c ain't down wit it no mo. i needs my a/c, ya heard me? i don mind sweatin fo my man, yo, but i can'ts be gettin too hot too quick cuz shit gets crazy dizzy. how can i be chill and stay hot?
Aight, I got some knowledges on dis one. Ai, get one of them spray bottles with tha battery powered fan on it. So you can spray that good stuff on you whilst getting blown. Then, take some duct tape and tape it to da bottom of Boberto's gold chain he be rockin' in the bedroom. (Don't touch the Johnny Cash R.I.P. medallion!!! PLEASE!) So when he's skull fuckin you, just spray the fine mist upon yourself. Problem solved.
Be careful that you don't spray on your tittays too much cuz they be glissnin' like some disco balls. I don't know how ya man is gonna take it but I would prolly prematurely e-jackulate. Word.
where are all the men that can make a woman go "ai bahbee"?
Uh, you typin at one right now, yessir! But as for da others lemme go an break it down:
60% faggin out
20% penis in vagina
10% completely single
The other 10% are all them abusive, Bic buying, sports playing, wigga wannabe dudes out there. An you prolly only been around them specific dudes. You need a fag or a master lover. Or maybe get lucky and find one of them normal dudes. I got a padnuh named Lil Douce (he like 325 lbs) who say he got a choad goin on but he know what to do wit it. He pull some bad broads so maybe you oughta holla at him.
how many bjs a week is too many?
Wait, whos gettin blowed here? For a female I say one is too many cuz I ain't lickin!!!! At least without not dooche.
For dudes I guess the number is infinite. Or at least until the penis turns raw. Then a blowjob may not feel as pleasurable on the penis head. Perhaps the shaft would enjoy it. I will have to do some research.
My girlfriend is dead.
How do I destroy the evidence?
Um, I would advise you to watch CSI and CSI: Miami. Maybe they will tell you how to rid yourself of forensic evidence. Or maybe they'll show some strippers on CSI. I like dat red headed bitch! She kind of old but I don't think her titties are pancakin too hard. Mmmm.
I mean you only tell me she dead... like how it happened, how much did you drug her/pay her to be with you, did you leave any anal beads in her ass...
This shit's important, man!
Freebasser
08-24-2006, 09:04 AM
Also, I have a 1 inch penis.
Also, I have a 1 inch penis.
Ahahaha, she killed herself! You gotta be a man and call the cops. Once you show them yo penis they'll let you go out of sympathy.
Freebasser
08-24-2006, 09:24 AM
I think you're right. Thanks, dawg (y)
skra75
08-24-2006, 10:05 AM
Dear Matlock,
I will be single very soon. I am very excited about this! However, I have children and an ex-wife. Does this mean I'm condemned to dating desperate-to-marry women in their late 30's early 40's who like "Indigo Girls", "Kate Bush", and "Stone Temple Pilots" for the rest of my life? Please help!
Signed -
Newly Single
Bitchamachacha
08-24-2006, 02:42 PM
Unless dis dude's got a professional etching machine he did not make dat either! He's a tru playa tho. Hell, I would lie too on that. Any bitch needs an Eazy-E zippo. Was it a zippo? I bet it was a Bic from the 7-11 with a sticker he printed off of his PC. An he prolly didn't even have Eazy-E's time of death or R.I.P. on it or anything. You know what, scratch dat. You need a black man who'll take care of you and go more out of his way to deceive you and buy you more expensive gifts with crack money. Forget about that honkey and his mediocre gifts.
You're welcome.
Poo.
It is a Bic, and he designs his own stickers for his fingerboards. He took an Eazy E fingerboard sticker he designed and cut it to fit my lighter and stuck it on there for me. The opposite side of the lighter is something else he designed with the "Fuct" logo on it.
I guess the least he could have done was buy me a crack lighter and put the stickers on it, but nooooo...my Bic lacks the little lever where you can adjust the flame for crack smoking pleasure.
Will his Elvis CD made from chocolate with a hint of white moldish stuff on it make up for that? Its still in it's case, wrapper and averythang!
Dear Matlock,
I will be single very soon. I am very excited about this! However, I have children and an ex-wife. Does this mean I'm condemned to dating desperate-to-marry women in their late 30's early 40's who like "Indigo Girls", "Kate Bush", and "Stone Temple Pilots" for the rest of my life? Please help!
Signed -
Newly Single
Dear Backwuds Champ,
I am enthusiated about your singleness as it is a time for new vaginas. I would assume that your children could be seen as a do-rag flag to some of the younger sets of girlies. That could possibly be a problem I would forsee in your immediate future.
To counter this, you must relay your story to young, tender girls with a large emphasis on your shitty ex-wife when the exact time is right. Yet at the same time you must not go overboard on the emoness while trying to pretend you're ready to move on. That will mean you do not hold a grudge (although I would and you might) and thee sympathy fuckening will follow. This may lead into future fuckenings.
The 30-40 year old set may have saggier tittays but they perhaps may know how to ride a wang in a supreme fashion. Although they lost their virginity listening to Toad The Wet Sprocket this may not imply that you must deal with the grunge/hippy after effects. Good women are hard to find or expensive to pay for... but they are out there! It is not easy to find them but persistence pays off. Blah blah... double true (http://meat.chattablogs.com/archives/images/Double-True.jpg) etc. You might want to get in with their pimps and bring a taser. Remember, you haven't been single for too long yet so don't think you have to be dealin with sub-par generation X has beens.
Odoriforously,
Matlock
Poo.
It is a Bic, and he designs his own stickers for his fingerboards. He took an Eazy E fingerboard sticker he designed and cut it to fit my lighter and stuck it on there for me. The opposite side of the lighter is something else he designed with the "Fuct" logo on it.
I guess the least he could have done was buy me a crack lighter and put the stickers on it, but nooooo...my Bic lacks the little lever where you can adjust the flame for crack smoking pleasure.
Will his Elvis CD made from chocolate with a hint of white moldish stuff on it make up for that? Its still in it's case, wrapper and averythang!
Any Elvis related production is a sacred being. You gotta sell it on eBay for mad cash. Say you bought it in Memphis and you had Lisa Marie lick it. Before she 'married' Michael Jackson. Then when you get $20,000 for it you won't need him anymore. I want 5%. I mean 50%.
Echewta
08-25-2006, 11:08 AM
Hi ET,
Remember me? You always remind me of the Barnes and Barnes song called "I Had Sex With E.T." Did you know they released that album but Universal got all over them and B&B had to discontinue pressing/selling the album and destroy all copies unsold? Only about 200 got out to the public. Hahaha, "I had sex with E.T. in the closet on the floor. We didn't it extraterrestrial style, now I'm craving more. He had no hair upon his head but we made love upon my bed, yea I had sex with E.T. Yea, thats what I just said"
Anyways, if Mars needs women and Pluto is no longer a planet, how come there is such a limited amount of Vivid titles on P2Ps?
Thanks,
Echewta
Hi ET,
Remember me? You always remind me of the Barnes and Barnes song called "I Had Sex With E.T." Did you know they released that album but Universal got all over them and B&B had to discontinue pressing/selling the album and destroy all copies unsold? Only about 200 got out to the public. Hahaha, "I had sex with E.T. in the closet on the floor. We didn't it extraterrestrial style, now I'm craving more. He had no hair upon his head but we made love upon my bed, yea I had sex with E.T. Yea, thats what I just said"
Anyways, if Mars needs women and Pluto is no longer a planet, how come there is such a limited amount of Vivid titles on P2Ps?
Thanks,
Echewta
Yes, I have also read the Wiki about Barnes and Barnes! I am perhaps barely too young to remember the group in question but I have a vague recollection of Fish Heads. Anyway, back to your question...
Mars would be great with women. This would have to be accompanied by an oxygen rich atmosphere, unfortunately. My Weekly Reader said that we would have colonies on Mars by now with hot women dressed up like aliens but that is not to be. Bummer. Pluto may not be a planet per se, but it will always be in my heart. Much like that Phil Collins song.
Most P2P clients are on the decline but I have never noticed an abundance of Vivid related mpegs. Perhaps you should go the Torrent route. I am not keen on pr0n torrents, unfortunately. You should PM Notorious LOL about things such as this. He knows a lot of pervs.
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