I had to write a bio for myself for an art show

[Dorothy Wood]

Born in the desert, raised in a strawberry patch, [Dorothy Wood] spends her life trying in vain to replicate the singular beauty of a sloppy “d” once written on a dry erase board by her dyslexic high school physics teacher. This pursuit is aided and/or hindered by her work as a framer and educator. Likes: looking up definitions, writing backwards, simplifying rational expressions, cutting glass, television, staring. Dislikes: onions, stepping on wet things, tendonitis.




My mom is going to say I need to make it more "mainstream". what do you think?

[paul jones]

never say 'dislike onions'

the onion lovers will cry

[Dorothy Wood]

I like to alienate people.

[paul jones]

I like to alienate people.
yeah,I suppose you're right

when getting bugers off burger vans in the past I would usually request that they not put onions in as burger van onions are weird

[na§tee]

do whatever turns you on, like. everyone likes a laugh. you shouldn't go too crazy, though, because some will see that as a bit arsey. you have to include at least one true fact about yourself.

i helped my flatmate write her bio for the play she was recently in. but when the director saw it, he told her to not to be so hard on herself and, since it was going to be printed in the book which would follow it for all time (if you are in the first production of a play, all editions of it will be published with the original actor's names, etc) so he told her to tame it down. i've digged out the book, and this is what it says:

sarah xxxx (kirsty)

sarah hails from the stoney shores of stornoway but moved to 'the mainland' when she was knee high to a squirrel's thigh. she trained at queen margaret university college in edinburgh. theatre roles include blah in blah, blah in blah, blah in dancing at blah and blah in blah. she appears in the upcoming feature film red road. sarah is delighted to be playing the part of kirsty and believes the play is the most innovative, eloquent and advanced she has ever readed

readed. haha. of course the theatre parts were included, but i omitted them so's not chat about her career explicitly with a buncha freaks! haha.

the bits we included before were much more funny, but it was cut :/ oh well. such is life in the dramatic artz.

[Dorothy Wood]

yeah...well, all of it is true actually. other than the desert and the strawberry patch thing.

[TAL]

never say 'dislike onions'

the onion lovers will cry
Imogen is allergic to onions.

[na§tee]

well. it sounds like you have made up your mind, then.

[Dorothy Wood]

no, I haven't. I don't want to sound assey. :(

[na§tee]

nah, i'm not saying that you sound arsey!
i was unaware that some of your bio was true, lolz, and that's what i was saying.. you have to include some 'real' achievements. maybe add previous shows/awards etc? because it is a professional bio and people are interested in the work which came before your current one. you can be silly but have a bit of info there, too!

[Dorothy Wood]

well, I'm not a professional and I've only shown work with the people I'm doing the show with now. soooo, it doesn't have to be all pro or anything. and I haven't won any awards. :(

[na§tee]

well, in that case, go free for all! i didn't realise it wasn't a stuck up affair like the theatre is.

sorry hun. i didn't mean to make you feel bad! i just want hot millionaires to go to your show and read your bio and go "oooh, imma buy that work! imma buy her work and take her out for a steak sammich!"

[DipDipDive]

and I haven't won any awards. :(

A lot of people vote for you in the best hair category when an "OMG BBMB AWARDZ!!1" thread pops up every 2-3 months. Put that on there and you're bound to have the masses ooohing and aaahing at the opening while they eat their cheese cubes and various other assorted finger foods.

[na§tee]

that would totally be hilarious. "xxx has been voted best hair in numerous online message board awards, and is well respected by her interweb, uh.. peers."

[Dorothy Wood]

Born in a Denver suburb, Dorothy Wood spent her early years picking strawberries, collecting ladybugs and hunting ghosts. She learned to drive in the deserts of New Mexico by age 7, and enjoyed poking toads with sticks (gently!). Soon after, she traded sand for peat in a move eastward to Detroit. She now spends her life trying in vain to replicate the singular beauty of a sloppy “d” once written on a dry erase board by her dyslexic high school physics teacher. This pursuit is aided and/or hindered by her work as a framer and educator. Likes: looking up definitions, writing backwards, simplifying rational expressions, cutting glass, television, staring. Dislikes: onions, stepping on wet things, tendonitis.

[na§tee]

that's it! (y)
twas the framer/educator wot done it!

[Dorothy Wood]

there won't be any cheeses, it's a rock and roll show/movie premiere/art thing called Cluster Fuck...or Cl*ster F*ck (for the posters). what happened is they gave 15 artists pieces of gessoed foam to make something with. then they're going to put the all up in groups in random order. should be fun.

[DipDipDive]

Gessoed foam is no substitute for cheese.

[Dorothy Wood]

I know :( but there will be beers. maybe I can sneak some cheeses.