secret friends.

[beastieangel01]

I have a really good friend who's been with his girlfriend for over 4 years. He and I are co-workers and hang out and we've hung out around her too, etc. Anyway I guess she doesn't like me or sees me as a threat or something. He said either we cannot hang out anymore because she gets pissed OR we can hang out but he cannot tell her or go places where others that know her will see us hanging out.

Um. That fucking sucks dude. Especially because I wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole in the first place. And being a "secret friend" really isn't cool.

[abcdefz]

That's pretty weak to suggest sneaking around.

The guy either ought to have the balls to be honest with his girl and hang out with who he wants OR have balls enough to love her enough to be understanding and do what she's asking.

Personally, I can never figure out why the three people can't just hang out together.

[The Notorious LOL]

probably a trust issue on her part. maybe you arent interested in him, but shes concerned about what he thinks of you. I dunno, shits trife.

[Rock]

eh....i hate to say it, but I can see where she is coming from. One of my wife's newer friends is a really smart, handsome, and funny guy. And when they go see some shitty bands together it irks the fuck out of me. It brings out those insecurities I like to pretend that I don't have.

But once I told her about it. She was said "I always ask if you want to go to, but you say no. So its either feel insecure, or go see these "shitty bands" with us." but not in a bitchy way. Sounds fair to me.

I hate being that kind of husband/person....but, I ams what I ams.

[beastieangel01]

yeah apparently he isn't as cool as I thought. Although, even us three hanging out together she doesn't want to do. Or in a group. Or whatever.

I don't know why men bother dating women like this though, except, you know, for a constant source of vagina I guess.

[QueenAdrock]

Seriously, I hate women like that. And after 4 YEARS of being with him? He must have done something beforehand to warrant such jealous behavior, because it's hard to believe that she's this catty after 1,460 days of dating for no good reason.

[abcdefz]

Seriously, I hate women like that. And after 4 YEARS of being with him? He must have done something beforehand to warrant such jealous behavior....




...maybe stuff like lying and sneaking around behind her back?

[QueenAdrock]

That's kinda the chicken or the egg query, though.

...The answer's egg. :)

[Rock]

He must have done something beforehand to warrant such jealous behavior, because it's hard to believe that she's this catty after 1,460 days of dating for no good reason.
nah...not true. she is probably just insecure. I mean, ba01 is pretty cool and hot, so she just doesn't want to take any chances.

[beastieangel01]

...maybe stuff like lying and sneaking around behind her back?

I forgot to add that he said that was the only thing he could think of considering how she is about him and I being friends. He added "but that's not really cool, but you're a really good friend. I don't know Crystal."

oh well I guess. This isn't the first time something like this has happened though. I know too many men with insecure girlfriends. But in their case, usually the men chose to stop talking to me or ignore me once a girlfriend is around.

[QueenAdrock]

But still, shouldn't she feel secure in where she stands with the guy by now? I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship if I got jealous over other girls who talked to the boyfriend, no matter how hot said chicks may be. I like knowing my man's whipped and won't try any shit on me. If it was 4 years later and I was still worried about him cheating, that wouldn't be any kind of relationship I'd want to be in.

There's gotta be a point where you just don't feel threatened anymore...or there SHOULD be that point, at least.

[Dr Deaf]

eh....i hate to say it, but I can see where she is coming from. One of my wife's newer friends is a really smart, handsome, and funny guy. And when they go see some shitty bands together it irks the fuck out of me. It brings out those insecurities I like to pretend that I don't have.


when your done with our brain, i'd like to use it to solve this crossword puzzle.

no rush, it's whenever.

[The Notorious LOL]

a li'l jealousy is natural when you care about someone.

[enree erzweglle]

Seriously, I hate women like that. And after 4 YEARS of being with him? He must have done something beforehand to warrant such jealous behavior, because it's hard to believe that she's this catty after 1,460 days of dating for no good reason.Haven't you ever known someone who was insecure enough that they have to be included in everything in their mate's life or they demand that their mate not have even platonic relationships with other people? Maybe they don't "demand" it explicitly, but someone who is involved with someone like that gets the message one way or the other and they either get out or they bow to their partner's insecurities.

Sometimes it's not at all a matter of what you've done or haven't done with that person to create or fuel their insecurities, it's just that that person is just that way. Insecurity is a crap thing both for the insecure person and for the person that that person is dating. It breeds jealousy and lots of other stuff. The guy (or woman) can bend way over backwards to accommodate and reassure and validate his mate but if she's basically insecure, then probably nothing that he says or does will have a healthy affect on her, them. She might grow to trust him, probably over a really, really long period of time, but bet her base insecurities will probably remain and they'll surface with her next relationship. I've known people who were this way with relationships in general, regardless of whether/not those relationships were romances/intimate.

This reminds me of the "New Age" episode of 30 Days. A man agrees to try New Age stuff for a month and his fiance is completely threatened by the idea and specifically, it seems, by the man's relationship with his "life coach" who is a woman. She starts out objecting to the spiritual side of it, blaming her worries on the "evil" that could get introduced into his life. Really, though, I think those were thinly veiled excuses, something hiding a bigger problem--that she was threatened by him doing new things, exploring new things, and doing those things without her. Not until the fiance is included in on the sessions and treatments does she calm down, begin to open up to it, and even get enthusiastic about it, but before that, she had a dart to shoot at everything he did.

Women (or men) who can only feel secure by being included in everything their mate does: that's deadly and confining to a relationship, it suffocates the people in that relationship.

[like2_drink]

your buddy is whipped haha that's tight(n)

[enree erzweglle]

I have a really good friend who's been with his girlfriend for over 4 years. He and I are co-workers and hang out and we've hung out around her too, etc. Anyway I guess she doesn't like me or sees me as a threat or something. He said either we cannot hang out anymore because she gets pissed OR we can hang out but he cannot tell her or go places where others that know her will see us hanging out.

Um. That fucking sucks dude. Especially because I wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole in the first place. And being a "secret friend" really isn't cool.
I would wonder if this is a trend with this guy and this particular girlfriend.

Maybe find a delicate way to ask him if this is a problem that his GF has in general (with him having friendships outside of his relationship with her) or if this appears to be a problem that the GF has with you in particular. (You have to be careful to do that with tact, though, or else it'll seem like you're trying to pit him against her.) If it's the latter, then you can at least approach that; it's fairly easy. If it's the former, then I'm thinking that the only way this guy can survive in that relationship is to stand up to her, for him to have his friendships the way he wants them (within reason, obviously).

Someone who is insecure shouldn't drive how this guy interacts with friends and he's got room to effect change in this. In fact, doing something about it is the only [right, responsible] thing that he should do; anything else just sort of prolongs this woman's problem and his and their problems too, you know what I mean? It's not easy but if he's in it for the long haul with her or he plans to be, he's doing everyone a favor by forcing this problem to resolve. Otherwise, it's like giving in to a kid who has tantrums--conceding to tantrums only reinforces the problems and prolongs everyone's misery.

[befsquire]

if it's a trust issue, he's certainly proving that he can't be trusted since he's wanting to hang out in secret.

there's no way to know what brought this about. yes, they've been together for 4 years, but you haven't been working with him that entire time. maybe every sentence out of his mouth at home includes your name, or maybe there's been issues in the past and this situation echoes whatever situation they had in the past. he isn't going to tell you if he's done something, because then you really won't hang out with him.

it's easy to assume that it's her fault, when in fact, it could be his.

[skra75]

listen to the attorney, she's right.

[Documad]

if it's a trust issue, he's certainly proving that he can't be trusted since he's wanting to hang out in secret.

there's no way to know what brought this about. yes, they've been together for 4 years, but you haven't been working with him that entire time. maybe every sentence out of his mouth at home includes your name, or maybe there's been issues in the past and this situation echoes whatever situation they had in the past. he isn't going to tell you if he's done something, because then you really won't hang out with him.

it's easy to assume that it's her fault, when in fact, it could be his.
Wow, that's just perfect.


My friend's husband had an affair with a gal he was friends with from work. She is insecure when he makes female friends at his new job.

[ET]

He probably tells his wife "God, why can't you be more like BA01 and like zombies and Basement Jaxx and have big tittays and like videogames and put hottt pics of urself on myspace. God!"

Yeah the secret friends thing isn't going to work. Avoid it and save yourself some trouble in the future. If it's her he'll get sick of her... hopefully. And if he wants to bone you then you can avoid an awkward situation. Sounds like you win either way.

[Nuzzolese]

This isn't the first time something like this has happened though. I know too many men with insecure girlfriends. But in their case, usually the men chose to stop talking to me or ignore me once a girlfriend is around.

When something happens TO YOU a lot, don't you ever wonder if you are doing something to encourage it? Of course, if the men are your friends you see them in the favorable light. I mean, honestly what would you think if you knew a girl who dressed up provocatively and liked to show off her very attractive body, then complained that all her male friends had insecure girlfriends, and how bullshit of an annoyance that was for her?

[Tone Capone]

if it's a trust issue, he's certainly proving that he can't be trusted since he's wanting to hang out in secret.

there's no way to know what brought this about. yes, they've been together for 4 years, but you haven't been working with him that entire time. maybe every sentence out of his mouth at home includes your name, or maybe there's been issues in the past and this situation echoes whatever situation they had in the past. he isn't going to tell you if he's done something, because then you really won't hang out with him.

it's easy to assume that it's her fault, when in fact, it could be his.


Ooooh. That's a good point.(y)

[abcdefz]

I forgot to add that he said that was the only thing he could think of considering how she is about him and I being friends. He added "but that's not really cool, but you're a really good friend. I don't know Crystal."





I'm not sure if I'm reading this right. Befsquire seems to be saying what I meant:


if it's a trust issue, he's certainly proving that he can't be trusted since he's wanting to hang out in secret....

it's easy to assume that it's her fault, when in fact, it could be his.


I know of one couple who got over an infidelity by making rules about this stuff: i.e. he would never go out alone with another woman again, even as a "friend," because that's how it got started before.

[beastieangel01]

When something happens TO YOU a lot, don't you ever wonder if you are doing something to encourage it? Of course, if the men are your friends you see them in the favorable light. I mean, honestly what would you think if you knew a girl who dressed up provocatively and liked to show off her very attractive body, then complained that all her male friends had insecure girlfriends, and how bullshit of an annoyance that was for her?

I was being a bit facetious with it because I was annoyed because it's happened in the past. And sure I've considered if it's me encouraging it. But it's not like I flirt with the guy, and when I do dress up it's when I go out with my girl friends, not when I am going to hang out and play video games.

But okay.

I think the issue potentially is a mix of things. Beth makes a good point as well.

Regardless, the point here really was that being told that I could be a friend in secret (even if in passing) because of a girlfriend being uneasy, sucks. I also really like her and her and I share some music interests and she went to a concert with me before.

Oh well. C'est la vie.

[HEIRESS]

my ex-boyfriend gets jealous and drives by my house to check up on my doings when I hang out with my ex-ex-ex-boyfriend, whom also gets jealous when I talk to my ex-ex-boyfriend on the phone
SCORE!
:/

[enree erzweglle]

Wow, that's just perfect.


My friend's husband had an affair with a gal he was friends with from work. She is insecure when he makes female friends at his new job.I've often wondered how people who cheat like that CAN trust each other. (When people cheat with their mates to get involved with someone--how can they conduct a normal relationship with that new someone without assuming that the same cycle is repeating again with their mate.)

I know that sometimes when people cheat, there are extenuating circumstances--like the relationship is clearly over in every way but the official way. Not that it's not cheating to meet up with someone in that circumstance and to act on it, but to me, that's far more understandable than when someone involved someone lies to start and continues to lie to sustain an intimate relationship on the side.

I dated a guy who, a couple of GFs before me, hadn't fully broken up with one woman before he started up with another one. There were extenuating details to that and I never asked about them or understood them, and I trusted that I didn't know the full story. However, I was more cautious than normal with him. He turned out to be the model mate.

BTW, I posted what I posted above because sometimes people are quick to blame the man (he must be a cheating pig) or to blame the woman (she must be a bitch) and there are two sides to these things. Sometimes the possessive behavior has nothing at all to do with whether someone's abused trust but it's just that that possessive person is controlling and manipulative and is used to being that way and maybe does it with platonic friendships as well. It's very odd to have a platonic friend get jealous the way a lover gets jealous when they feel threatened.

[skra75]

yeah I couldn't forgive my ex when she cheated. I've got no time in my life for people who can't be honest with me or themselves.

[Documad]

I've often wondered how people who cheat like that CAN trust each other. (When people cheat with their mates to get involved with someone--how can they conduct a normal relationship with that new someone without assuming that the same cycle is repeating again with their mate.)Yes, I've had that conversation many times. It's incredibly difficult for a cheater to become a non-cheater. The odds are very bad. My friend stayed with her cheating husband and they went into therapy and 8 years later she has never forgotten it and I doubt that he has cheated again, but every single time I see him, I think to myself "you asshole you cheated on my friend." Part of what they agreed to in therapy is that he wouldn't be friends with women because he seemed unable to draw the boundaries. I can't imagine being with someone like that. :rolleyes: But then I didn't like him before he cheated. Not good enough for my friend!!!


BTW, I posted what I posted above because sometimes people are quick to blame the man (he must be a cheating pig) or to blame the woman (she must be a bitch) and there are two sides to these things. Sometimes the possessive behavior has nothing at all to do with whether someone's abused trust but it's just that that possessive person is controlling and manipulative and is used to being that way and maybe does it with platonic friendships as well. It's very odd to have a platonic friend get jealous the way a lover gets jealous when they feel threatened.
I agree absolutely. The thing that got me with BA's male friend is that he wants to sneak around instead of working it out with his girlfriend. So my instantaneous internet judgment is that he's a baddie. :p

[TAL]

This is what you do
This is what you do
This is what you do

Chorus
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationshipwith you
This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me wanna leave the one Im with
Start a new realtionship with you
This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me

(Verse1)

Before anything came between us
You were like my bestfriend
The one I used to run to when me and my
Girl was having problems (thats right)
You used to say it would be okay
Suggest little nice things I should do
And when I come home at night and lay my head down
Sll I seem to think about is you
And how you make me wanna

(Chorus
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new realtionship with you
This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me

(Verse2)

Now what's bad
Is your'e the one that hooked us up
Knowing it should've been you
What's sad is I love her but I'm falling for you
What should I do
Should I
Tell my baby bye-bye
Should I
Do exactly what I feel inside
Cause I
I don't wanna go
Don't need to stay
But I really need to get it together

Chorus
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with (oh baby)
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with (oh baby)
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me

(Verse 3)

At this point
The situation's out of control
I never meant to hurt her but I
Gotta let her go
And if she may not understand it
Why all of this is going on
I tried
I tried to fight it but the feelings just to strong

You make me wanna wanna
You make me wanna

Chorus
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about her and the things that come along with
You make me
You make me

(Repeat)

[adam_f]

Your mom and I are no so secret friends anymore, I'll tell you that.

[beastieangel01]

TAL & Adam_f never cease to amaze me.









:mad:

[TAL]

We perform every weekend as "The Amazing TAL & adam_f"