Stand Up thread.

[Kid Presentable]

Thanks.

Yeah, so anyway I was watching these shitting movies the other day. And this girl lets some guy shit in her mouth.

And she gags.

What, love? Are you surprised? She's lying there with her mouth open going: "I hope this doesn't taste bad....Ooooh. It might NOT taste like shit."?

So she's let this guy use her face as a toilet. Brilliant. Put that on your C.V. If you wanted to work in a plumbing store. As a display.

What criteria do you think they have for those movies? If you're in normal porn, you're expected to perform in certain ways, like how the women get fake tits and whatnot. Maybe they advise you to eat lots of bran.

"There's a certain kind of shit we're looking for here."

Release a series called "Unfunny Runny-ness". The actors can eat KFC the night before. The 'catcher' could wear a welding mask.

*heckler shouts: "Worst stand-up ever!!!!!!!!!!!!"*

Yeah yeah. Fuck you too. Kiss my ass. Nonces.

[mikizee]

so why were u watching these shitting movies again?

[jabumbo]

what is the DEAL with airline peanuts? they only give you like FIVE nuts!

[Kid Presentable]

So just do a little stand-up.

[mikizee]

ok ok heres some stand up.

so, it seems that the aussie 'where the bloody hell are ya' tourism ad has been successful, with other countries copying the idea. italy has released one, called 'where the foccacia??'

my missus has catholic parents. they observe lent during easter, in which the give up alcohol. after much pressuring this year to do the whole lent thing with them and give up something, i said ok. so i gave up lent.

if commercial planes still used propellors instead of jet engines, would jet lag be called prop lag?

'boy, im just gonna stay on the couch tonight, got a major case of propellor lag'.

thankyou. im here all week. try the veal.

[jabumbo]

no flow in your routine there dude


and the veal sucks

[mikizee]

no flow in your routine there dude


and the veal sucks

thats not funny at all

[zorra_chiflada]

i was on the telly last night!
yeah! i sure was!
i'd sleep anywhere when i'm pissed

i went to a wedding at a nudist colony
it was easy to tell who the best man was


what's up with thaaaaat?

[mikizee]

a snail knocked on my door one day. yeah thats right, a snail. so anyways when i opened up the door he said 'hey buddy, can i talk to you about something?' i picked up the snail and ditched him, saying 'get the fuck outta here'.
3 years later theres a knock at my door. i open it, and theres the snail, saying 'what the fuck was that about?'

[Lex Diamonds]

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Now why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
"Is it suede?"
"I am suede! The whole thing is suede! I can't have this cleaned...It's all I got!"

[Freebasser]

I just flew in from Boston, and boy, are my arms tired?!

Do you know what really annoys me? When films break the laws of space and time.

One of the most annoying examples is when there's some big Hollywood hot-shot in the main role, say, Brad Pitt, and he's chilling with his buds watching a bit of T.V., when someone famous, say... Julia Roberts, comes on the set. One of the guys hanging with Mr. Pitt will doubtless say something like "woah, man - that Julia Roberts sure is hot! I'd sure like to fuck her in the ass, if you know whadda'mean!" and all the time you're thinking 'If that's Julia Roberts, as herself, on TV, in this film, and these guys realise this... then that must really be Brad Pitt - how come these guys don't notice?'. I'm half expecting one of the guys watching the T.V. to turn to his left and say "Dude! You look just like Brad Pitt"

"I am Brad Pitt"

"No way!"

"Uh huh. This is a movie"

"Woah, I gotta stop taking these horse tranquilisers"

[Lex Diamonds]

On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little pooper scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

I will never understand why they cook on TV.
I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it.
The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

[Funky Pepp]

what is the DEAL with airline peanuts? they only give you like FIVE nuts!
What do you want? At least it's more than you can give us... :D
(Sorry!)

[Tone Capone]

Seriously though, in high school I wanted to have my hair braided so I ask my home girl to hook me up. My home girl said that first that my hair needed to be relaxed. I'm thinking relaxed as in just a little less wavey (my hair gets wavey when it's in an afro) "Go get some African Pride" she says. Anyway head to Walmart and pick some up, there are Black people on the box so I'm thinking "alright, I got some stuff here for Black hair now I can do this and be proud of my African heritage at the same time???" I put that stuff in my hair and BAM!!! I got this straight as hell European hair!!!! To this day I have NO IDEA how that's supposed to make Africans proud!!! WTF!!!?!?!?

[jackrock]

Hey sexy lady, wanna kill all humans?

[The Notorious LOL]

remember that dead pregnant bitch?

[Helvete]

I'd pay to see Freeb and Tone.