I feel like I'm preparing for heart-break

[DandyFop]

Disclaimer: In this post I will complain or talk (depending on how you view it), of my personal problems with my relationship. If you don't want to read it, you've been forewarned.

So some of you may remember, a while ago I posted about how I had just had my heart broken, etc., because my boyfriend had just gotten weird all of a sudden and decided that we couldn't go out. Who knows why, I certainly don't. That was after 3 weeks of being together. After a week of not seeing each other, we got together again and I basically convinced him that I am awesome and we had sex and we've been together ever since (about 5 months now)

So, lately things have been weird again. We kind of knew it was weird, and I can't handle when there is something going on that is making things strange, I have to get them out in the open, or else in my experience, it will just fester and cause even more distance between us. To make a long story short, he told me a few things that bugged him (1. I got really upset one night when we didn't have sex, I was drunk, he was tired, I don't know, and he thought it was lame. 2. I was going through a phase of a few days where I felt gross/fat and talked to him about it and he wasn't really supportive more like "well do something about it then". Which is what he should say, but in a more supportive manner).

So we got over that shit and it was fine and everything was great. Though I still feel like something is going on that he's not telling me about. I don't try to sit and obssess over it, but my body always tells me when something like that is going on. For example, he used to call me every day when he got home from school, and he didn't do it for a little while. Not that I freaked out about that, but it's just a small thing that adds to it all.

So basically I was like, hey something is still going on huh, and he's like yeah I don't know what it is. Even though I think he does. Maybe he met some girl at school he likes, I don't know. But I don't appreciate being strung along. I've tried to end that kind of thing with my relationships (on my end and the other end). But it just kind of sucks, because he knows that I will just sit and think about it, and instead of saying like "no you should really come over because I don't want you to feel like shit", he's like "well i'll talk to you tomorrow". It wouldn't matter so much, but I have dropped many things to be with him at when he needed me. I think I am letting myself get walked on a little bit (more examples I don't want to get into), but I am so scared of saying anything because I am in love and I don't want him to dump me. So stupid, I know.

So basically I kind of have an impending sense of doom like I did the first time we "broke up" or whatever. I feel like I'm needing to prepare to get my heart broken. But how do you prepare for something like that? To go from spending all of your spare time with the person you love, to being alone? I have done it before but it's never been like this before. I would say this is my first real "adult" relationship for many factors. Blah.

This is the longest post ever and thanks to anyone who read it. I know a lot of people will be like "Hey! If he doesn't know what he's got then bladey blah", but that's not how I feel. I just want him to fucking figure it out and stay with me :( booooooooo

[monkey]

dont try to figure out what he wants, try to figure out what YOU want. do you want a supportive boyfriend? get rid of an unsupportive one. do you want to fix this situation? then do whatever is in your power to fix it. it's not all entirely up to you, but theres a lot more you can do to figure yourself out, always.

[cosmo105]

^mhm. if you don't like being strung along, don't let yourself be strung along.

[DandyFop]

Yes, which is obviously why I am a "problem solver" with these kind of things. Which is why I'm talking to him about it and am going to make him tell me what the hell is up.

It doesn't mean i'm not scared as fuck though. I'm not Aretha Franklin. Sometimes I wish I was. But not like all way fat.

[paul jones]

don't worry about it too much Babs.

The best things in life are music and drinking and building sheds

(y) :)

[Caribou]

I know what feeling you're talking about here Babs. I think that if you already have this feeling it will be over soon, but don't let him dump you and make you feel like shit. Dump him for not treating you the way a boyfriend should.
Don't let him walk over you, hun. *hugs*

[cosmo105]

i know you love this guy a lot, but loving someone doesn't always come with being right for that person. if you keep having conflicts like this and the communication isn't the way you'd like it to be, you can't expect that to change.

[DandyFop]

I know but I can't be alone! YOU KNOW THAT! GAHHH! It's becoming winter too, what am I supposed to do, curl up with my teddy bears at night to keep me warm. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING BE SINGLE.

In all our communication is actually pretty sweet. I couldn't be with someone without that.

Feck, I'm probably freaking out about nothing and it's going to be fine. But I am determined tonight to lay some shit down on the table about letting myself get walked on.

[mickill]

There's this thing called Law of Attraction, Brabs. Ya see, what most people don't know is that this sort of heartache can be avoided if you make it clear to The Universe just what you would like to have happen.

But yeah man, you need to gain the upper hand here. Act like you're the one having doubts about him.

[DipDipDive]

I know but I can't be alone! YOU KNOW THAT! GAHHH! It's becoming winter too, what am I supposed to do, curl up with my teddy bears at night to keep me warm. WHY CAN'T I FUCKING BE SINGLE.

I think this is the key to it right here. My guess is either he senses that you're needy and he doesn't like it, or your neediness is making you paranoid and there's actually nothing wrong.

I don't mean needy in a bad way, either. We cancers are an emotional lot and that's actually a really good thing in some aspects of life. It can strengthen a relationship because, like you said, we feel that fanning out our emotions and what's on our minds will ultimately make for a better situation. Thing is, some people don't know how to handle that, and unless you're with someone who can, there will always be something that doesn't fit just right in the relationship. In that instance, neither person is right or wrong. It's just a matter of compatibility.

[beastieangel01]

i know you love this guy a lot, but loving someone doesn't always come with being right for that person.

exactly. Also, not being able to be alone is a big problem. Let me preface this by saying I could be wrong, but I think that one should be happy alone first. Learn who you are, learn to like who you are, enjoy spending time with yourself. Then, when you are ready, finding someone who compliments you and your life and that you enjoy spending time with is best. Needing vs wanting, so to speak.

[cosmo105]

hah, we were just talking about this in one of my classes the other day - how so many of us in american society skip the step of figuring out who we are in adolescence and go right into serious relationships. i know i did. not a good thing.

[DandyFop]

exactly. Also, not being able to be alone is a big problem. Let me preface this by saying I could be wrong, but I think that one should be happy alone first.

Well yes...and of course I know this. I've always known this. But I've still never been able to be. It's just how it is with me. I'll have to get over it eventually, yeah. Easier said than done.

[beastieangel01]

I completely understand. I just barely ventured in to the being alone thing, at 22, and it's only been what, maybe 3 months?

at least you recognize it as an issue. Hang in there miss.

[Lyman Zerga]

ive been always alone

and sometimes it rules to be a bitter cunt

[Bob]

Well yes...and of course I know this. I've always known this. But I've still never been able to be. It's just how it is with me. I'll have to get over it eventually, yeah. Easier said than done.

oh it's not too bad, being alone. you should go out with me for a while, i'll walk you through it

[Dorothy Wood]

I don't think that you should be made to feel "less than" in relationships. I mean, I guess I just think you should feel secure when you love someone, like that's part of the love.

I got into trouble in my last relationship because he was the insecure one and I couldn't really handle it. He'd be like, "I'm too fat" and I'd be like, "not really, but if you're uncomfortable, exercise or stop eating so much". and he'd get all moody and sad. Not that I didn't have my "I'm too fat" days, but I was mainly getting so fat because he was always cooking good food and tons of it.

anyway, I guess I learned from that relationship that if both parties are not feeling secure or are somehow or someway resenting eachother for any kind of reason, no matter how much you love eachother, maybe it's for the best that you're not together. because now we're friends and we can tell eachother anything, and we love eachother, and sometimes I wanna be naked with him, but ultimately we're not well-suited. and that's just the way it goes sometimes.

[QueenAdrock]

I know what that doom-like feeling is. Like, holy shit this is going to be over and I'd do anything for it not to be. When Wayne first went to Chicago, I had that panicky "Ohmigod, it's over forever, and that just CAN'T happen." Like him breaking up with me was too hard to deal with, like it just COULDN'T happen. Like getting pregnant sort of. It's just an "out of the question" things, but also something you can't control 100%.

Either way, realize that a lot of the fear is the fear that you won't find someone else like that again. That's absolutely not true, either. There's 3 billion males in this world, what are the chances you're only compatible with one? Being single does suck, and I do wish you the very best and I hope everything works itself out with him, but if for some reason it doesn't, don't let the doom overtake you. Know that you're an awesome lady and you can and will find someone else (even if you don't want someone else and can only think of him right now). Someone else that will make you feel JUST AS GOOD as this one does. So keep your chin up, hope for the best, but if the worst comes, know that it's not the end.

[roosta]

I think if your one of those "has to be in a relationship" people it will always put strain on any relationship you have, because you will try and salavage any situation to avoid being single.

If you've been single more than you've been in a relationship, being a "single person" is no problem to you at all, indeed its sometimes desirable, so if rocky stuff happens you can be more prepared to walk away and be alone for a while.

[na§tee]

ehh, bleh! :( i am sorry.

i know it's really easy as powerful women to say "you deserve nothing less than being completely adored!" which is, well, true.. but it's difficult when you're in a realistic relationship which will have its highs and its lows. i find in most relationships there is a loved person and a loving person.. nothing is completely equal. there is always someone who has the metaphorical upper hand. which is sorta horrific sometimes, but it's true.

i think maybe he is just suffering from some sort of loved-person fatigue? maybe. maybe it will turn around in a couple of weeks, just like it did the first time round.

my boyfriend recently stopped calling me every day (it's a long distance relationship - i hate that term as it's only about 4 hours on a train!) and at first i paniced, but after about a week he was like "meh, i was working really long hours and i'm sorry baby i'm depressed i haven't seen you in 5 weeks" and then call me manically about 6 times in the row when i'm at the gym and not answering my phone, lolz.

anyway. what i am saying is that you don't want to shoot yourself in the foot by being too "omg something is wrong! panic at the disco!" with him because that will put too much girl-pressure on him. stay all zen and i'm sure everything will turn out okay! :)

[DandyFop]

Thanks for the chat everyone. Some of you made some really good points. It was so easy yesterday to tell myself all the reasons why maybe it isn't good that we are together, but when I get in his apartment and I'm sitting there looking at him it's so different.

We talked some more and I said like, well, maybe we're the kind of people who need to take a break once in a while, I don't know. He said maybe. But we both obviously just wanted to kiss and make up. Even though I said, well the easy thing here is to just make up right now. The hard thing would be to take a step back, and usually what's harder is better (harder lol).

So we're okay for now. I did tell him I didn't feel like he was supportive enough and he was like, yeah that's always gotten me into trouble. And he told me he didn't like some stupid shit that I did which I thought was just him trying to nitpick and look for things he didn't like, which could be the case.

Phuck Boyz!

[cookiepuss]

well dandy, take your situation and add 3 years to it+ living together for most of those three years and you pretty much have what's going on with me and my partner right now. I've left our house for a few days so we can each have some space. but I'm miserable. and when I think about losing him I can't breathe...which makes me feel pathetic, because I spent many years on my own not the least bit dependent on a man. I'm going home this weekend and hoping things will be a bit better, but I feel like I'm losing him. He says I'm not, so I'm just trying to keep the faith.

anyway, I know what you are going through x3.(n)

[Bitchamachacha]

Babs..you are a beautiful girl. You're also very smart and seem like a fun cat to hang with. You shouldn't be having boy problems. ;)

Love is fickle, though. I LOVE my boyfriend, and though we share many common interests, there are a lot of important things we don't share...like I'm very family oriented ( I have a kid); he's not. I'm overly sexual; he's not. In fact, I've gotten pissed at my man MORE than once for not putting out while I was drunk. ;)

In a way we are in the same boat. I weigh out the pros and cons and the cons (being negative and the negative always seems to out-shine the positive) win every time.

You have to ask yourself these questions...

* Are YOU ready to turn off your heart and give up?

* Would it be better to be alone for a while than to be hurt over-and-over again, and to be worrying constantly about whether your relationship will survive or fail?

These are hard questions to answer because all relationships and people are different. I go through phases where I feel strong and liberated and convince myself that being single again would be a blast. I may as well have fun while I'm young, right? So I dump him.......then I miss the little things I fell in love with and take him back.

Sounds pretty foolish, huh?

I think what you are doing is right on. You need to be honest and express your feelings, but if it's worrying you THAT much, try taking a break and see how it goes. Absence will either make the heart grow fonder, or colder, and though you may cry for a few weeks, it will make you stronger and then you will realize whether or not it's really what you and him both want.

And..if things are really fine for now, just keep my advice stashed in the back of your head.

[iceygirl]

if you think something weird is going on, you know that it is

dont prepare to get your heart broken, stomp on his before that happens.