i am so confused

[hpdrifter]

...at the risk of being the board Monica Gellar and having to post under an alias for awhile after this...

I am going to whine further about my relationship.

I talked to my boyfriend yesterday about our future (whether or not marriage is in it) and he told me that he wants to marry me at some point but he has to save money, he wants to get a few things in his life straightened out first, he wants to be financially stable, etc etc. We've been together for a year and four months and he wants to move in together next month.

The problem is, I've heard all of these things before. My last boyfriend and I were together for 4.5 years. We got engaged after 3 years and then spent the next year and a half or so half heartedly talking about setting a date when I decided it was time to move on.

So its really hard for me to believe that anything is going to be different this time around and all I can think is that another 3 years will pass and nothing will happen. I just don't know what to do, I said after the last relationship that I wasn't going to just live with someone again without some indication that it was going somewhere and I am so ready to move forward in life, I am tired of living like a college student in a crappy apartment in a crappy part of town with furniture that doesn't match and towels and sheets that I took from my mom's house. I want to build something.

The guys that are married or getting married on here, does this make any sense? What made you decide it was the right time? How long did it take you to get to that point with the person you eventually married?

[skra75]

Can't relate. I got thrown into the fire. But we made it work for a long time while it lasted.

My suggestion is to start to build your life, decide what you want for you, in terms of house, plans, location...whatever. If he wants on to your train, great. But if not, you are still lining stuff up for yourself and building towards your own future.

If I can give any advice it is to not rely too much on your partner to define your future, your dreams of what you want to be and where you need to go. Strong relationships start with stable, strong individuals.

[Frenchbgirl]

how old are you? and do you love your boyfriend?

you don't need to get married to be happy...and if you just want to get married to proove something to yourself, you'll probably get divorced!!

but that's just my point of view!:)

[skra75]

she's right

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, I get the whole individual thing. I actually have quite a decent life for myself outside of the relationship, I have hobbies, I play guitar, sing jazz, and volunteer at the local animal shelter. I have lots of my own friends. And I'm working on building my career. Though I make good living, the duties of the job I'm in are somewhat unstimulating.

But there are some things that I am ready for that I can't do without a partner. I would like to have a child in the nearish future. I would like to buy a house. That kind of thing.

[skra75]

I see. but if the guy isn't ready to committ, you can't twist his arm into marrying you. it will be failure right out of the gate. need to hook up with a guy who is bananas about having kids too.

[Frenchbgirl]

i totally know what you mean, cause i'm feeling the same way...
i'm with my boyfriend for 5 years now and i know he's the one...and i just can't wait to have kids with him but we're only 23 and i think it's wiser to wait...
if you got a child with someone just because you want to be pregnant, i think it's selfish and the kid may be the number one casualty (sorry about my english by the way, i don't know if it's making any sense!!)
having a baby is not just about you and your boyfriend...what if you two break up?do you know what i mean?
i understand what you're saying but it feels to me that you should really think about it...being ready for it doesn't mean that it's time for it to happen!:)

[hpdrifter]

Okay, see that's what I want to know. Should I wait or not? I'm guessing not. I don't know why I bother asking myself these questions when the answer is so obvious.

I wouldn't ever want to marry someone who felt forced into it. I could have easily married the ex if all I wanted was to get married. What I want is someone who wants the same things I do at the same time. I guess that's all anyone wants, though.

[skra75]

frenchbgirl i've decided you're a cool newbie

[Frenchbgirl]

thanks skra75!!:D

[hpdrifter]

Well like I said, I would never get married or have kids with someone just for the sake of doing so. I could have done that with the ex, we were engaged. I broke it off because it wasn't right for me.

I thought this one might be a different situation and am disappointed to see that it may not be.

[Frenchbgirl]

i think you're maybe overthinking!:)

the most important thing (to me) is to find someone you deeply love and who deeply loves you back...i think it's the hardest thing...once you find that great guy,if you got to get married, it will happen, if you got to have children together, it will happen as well! but sometimes, it takes time to agree on these stuffs, and it takes time for it to happen...be patient!:)
i think it's better to wait for something to happen if it happens in a great way, than have the stuff right away but in a bad context (? or is the word "background"?)
:)

[Drederick Tatum]

what is this thing with getting married?! I just don't get it. so you've got a piece of paper that says the state recognises that you love each other. so what? I've been together with my girlfriend for 6 years and we don't need a piece of paper to tell us what we already know. we've lived together since about two months into our relationship and marriage just seems like a uneccessary move.

[befsquire]

drederick, be happy you have someone who wants what you want and doesn't need the paperwork. just like you don't want someone pushing marriage on you, people who have a desire to marry and have children don't like being told they should be happy with living together.

hp, we all learn from past relationships, and figure out what we want and need for a lasting one. but in the same sense, it seems like you may be unfairly turning your current boyfriend into your old one. you may have heard the same thing before, but it doesn't mean your current boyfriend's words have the same meaning as your ex-boyfriend's. ya know?

i'm tired, and it really made sense in my head.

tell him your concerns, but in a way that he knows there doesn't have to be a ring immediately upon moving your stuff in.

[Drederick Tatum]

people who want to marry are just submitting to The Man, man.

[Loppfessor]

hpdrifter is a girl!!!!???!!! :eek: how come no one told me this???

[beastiegirrl101]

If your needs arent getting met, you need to move on. Easier said then done, yes...but IMO...trust your gut. If it doesnt feel right it usually isnt.

[TurdBerglar]

marriage is superficial


and thinking about this shit only after a year or so it totally not gonna freak him out at all

[befsquire]

people who want to marry are just submitting to The Man, man.
around here, the man likes that ;)

[Kid Presentable]

Don't get married because it's what other people do.

[SandyLove]

Here's my little tidbit of advice, even the whole philosophy about wether to have that "useless marital piece of paper" or not! If you love each other than it doesn't matter wether or not you have that "piece of paper!" Either way, If he can say to you without a shadow of a doubt that he's committed to you 100% than the thought of a little piece paper shouldn't scare him off! Yes typically women want a wedding day! absolutely nothing wrong with that..... if he truley loves you he will give you that wedding of your dreams with out batting an eyelid, because ultimately he loves you and would want to give you what you want! Guys will be guys and feel that their primary role is to be a successful provider for their mate and then have to better their career or save more money...... Money and success isn't what u need from him u can attain that yourself! I know many people who went to college after they got married! Commitment is you're together even if it means living out of a cardboard box! Men just have hard time realising that!

[Dorothy Wood]

in the grand scheme of things, a year and some months is not very long to be dating someone. I can understand your quandry, even though I myself, have never even dated anyone past 8 months. it's usually at that point that I've decided it's either going to work or it isn't. I honestly don't think another 4-5 months would've proved different.

I don't know...are you being honest with him, are you guys communicating? does he know that you want children soonish?

it's hard to say, a couple of good friends of mine got married just under a year ago after dating for about 7 years and living together for about 4 of those years. and now they're starting to have some problems. a coworker of the wife recently confessed his love for her, and she has a hard time denying that she is attracted to him and enjoys his company. the husband started smoking again and is lying about it to her. and I'm friends with both of them, and hearing both sides of these seemingly innocent problems spell big trouble in the future if they can't get past them.

I guess I just think that marriage isn't magic. it's not going to solve anything, perhaps it will make things better, but life is life and it's not always perfect. if dude doesn't wanna marry you, then ask him why...like seriously, what's the deal? if he's just scared, but you still love eachother than maybe just give him a break or something, give it more time.


gah, I don't know.

[trailerprincess]

Que sera, sera


:useless at advice:

[guerillaGardner]

All I can say about this is that if you want an opinion from someone who can shed some insight into what he's thinking then I guess I can. I've been engaged for about three years and I am in the same position as your partner.

Me and my fiancee are in a kind of crossroads financially and we appear to be on our way to a better monetary footing, but right now we're too caught up in other stuff to do with career, etc.

Most of the delay we have had is in trying to agree the format of our wedding. My fiancee is estranged from her family and there seems to be a problem with her in having my family and friends there seeing as she won't have her's there. Understandable I guess?

As for my commitment - yes, we will get married but I'd prefer it to be when we are more steady financially and I understand how he feels. It doesn't necessarily mean he's not committed. I think the way to judge it if he's putting off for a better financial situation and he's doing something about it.

If he talks about a better financial situation and isn't doing anything then....well, that's up to you.

The question is - isn't just being together good enough. If you love him what's the big rush? Or are you just in love with the idea of being married?

[fucktopgirl]

You cannot accelerate the process of getting married by stressing over the issue. It will come, if it has to come, in time.

[skra75]

I guess I just think that marriage isn't magic. it's not going to solve anything, perhaps it will make things better, but life is life and it's not always perfect.

Exactly. This couldn't be more true. That's the thing, you have to take the good with the bad. And the longer you're married, the more that balance becomes 50/50 exactly.

Ultimately, deciding to be married is deciding to be with someone for the rest of your life. Know that you don't need to be perpetually attracted to or even like that person 100% of teh time. It's unrealistic to expect that of anyone.

If I learned anything from the emotional brick-to-my-head I just went through it's that if you want to keep your relationship solid you need to:

1) listen
2) don't hide anything, and don't expect anything from your girl
3) take the good with the bad, and really believe in it
4) give the person a break if they need it. Might be a physical break too, one of distance.

[chrisd]

told by a french nobleman:

when i finally met a rich woman who was equally disillusioned with monogamy (see scarlett johansson quote on imdb) we moved into a horse-shoe-shaped palazzo where each has his or her wing and can recieve lovers (not uppers /Woody Allen; "Love and Death") and after we consumed our marital love i quickly moved on to entice sweet young parisian belles with our wedding gifts into making me feel like napoleon in austerlitz

[mickill]

Is this really confusion? Or is it illusion? Maybe it's mild delusion. I think you're in denial, to be honest.

You know the answer. You're not confused; you might love the guy, but you also know that this relationship's not going in the direction you want it to go in or at the pace you would like it to (even if it were going in the the direction you want it to go in) and you're not at all satisfied. You're avoiding the inevitable somewhat. Which would be fine if you didn't usually point these patent flaws out on your own.

It doesn't sound like you two are on the same page at all. I guess if one of you isn't willing to conform to the other's fundamental expectations of your relationship together, you might want to try and see if there's some middle ground you can happily agree on.

I don't know. To be honest, I still think you should think about moving on. The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be to do so.

[paul jones]

...at the risk of being the board Monica Gellar and having to post under an alias for awhile after this...

I am going to whine further about my relationship.

I talked to my boyfriend yesterday about our future (whether or not marriage is in it) and he told me that he wants to marry me at some point but he has to save money, he wants to get a few things in his life straightened out first, he wants to be financially stable, etc etc. We've been together for a year and four months and he wants to move in together next month.

The problem is, I've heard all of these things before. My last boyfriend and I were together for 4.5 years. We got engaged after 3 years and then spent the next year and a half or so half heartedly talking about setting a date when I decided it was time to move on.

So its really hard for me to believe that anything is going to be different this time around and all I can think is that another 3 years will pass and nothing will happen. I just don't know what to do, I said after the last relationship that I wasn't going to just live with someone again without some indication that it was going somewhere and I am so ready to move forward in life, I am tired of living like a college student in a crappy apartment in a crappy part of town with furniture that doesn't match and towels and sheets that I took from my mom's house. I want to build something.

The guys that are married or getting married on here, does this make any sense? What made you decide it was the right time? How long did it take you to get to that point with the person you eventually married?

I don't know.

I like not being attached to anyone,it means I can buy more cd's and dvd's(y)

[b-grrrlie]

Three couples, all my friends, waited 19 years before they got married. Two of them have kids, one not, but they all feel like they've made the right decision. Quite a lot of it has to do with the security for the kids when they themselves get really old and disfunktional, but they all are still in love as well.

[yeahwho]

Is this really confusion? Or is it illusion? Maybe it's mild delusion. I think you're in denial, to be honest.

You know the answer. You're not confused; you might love the guy, but you also know that this relationship's not going in the direction you want it to go in or at the pace you would like it to (even if it were going in the the direction you want it to go in) and you're not at all satisfied. You're avoiding the inevitable somewhat. Which would be fine if you didn't usually point these patent flaws out on your own.

It doesn't sound like you two are on the same page at all. I guess if one of you isn't willing to conform to the other's fundamental expectations of your relationship together, you might want to try and see if there's some middle ground you can happily agree on.

I don't know. To be honest, I still think you should think about moving on. The longer you wait, the harder it's going to be to do so.


I have to agree with this. It is a tough action to take because it puts you out of your comfort level, but action is needed. You could be wasting time you don't want to waste with somebody who doesn't mind wasting time. (I hope that made sense)

Break it off. Force the terms and check the commitment level. I've had it done to me and it works. I either came back with a new attitude or went my own way. This should be a win win situation for you, because you deserve the best.

[SandyLove]

There's something missing I think, this might sound sappy. You should be madly, blindly, institutionaly-deranged, inconveniently in love with that person and the same goes for him he needs to be madly in love with you too. To find that kind of connection is luck but not impossible as long as you learn to love. So if I end up being unlucky in love I'd rather just enjoy the fun in being single, partying, staying out late without having to answer to anyone! And enjoying the fruits of my labour by buying as many shoes and outfits without having to hide the price tags! It can be lonely at times but you can always get a pet, or have a really close buddy of the opposite sex you can snuggle with who has commitment issues-until the loneliness goes away! I know it sounds hokey and unusual but so is life most of the time! Never settle, or force a situation!