My Mom: Really BAD parenting skills, or extreamley friggin cool??

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

I've been told that I have a mother with extreamley bad parenting skills, I've also been told I have the coolest mom in the world, and this is why:

I talk to my mom about almost everything. I dont think there's one secret between us. For example, I've always talked to my mom about drugs, sex, drinking, ect. I've always been extreamley open with her.

My mom says that If I want to smoke, let her know because she'll buy cigs for me. If I want to have sex, she wants to know, so she can make sure im free of disease and if I want her to, she'd buy me condoms.

She found out that I smoked weed for the first time about a week ago (and that the shit was laced :mad: - that I did NOT know) and she says that she's not mad, and that if I want to try weed she wants to know about it, who im with, where im going to be, and where im getting it from. She trusts me completley, and will trust me to not get involved with heroin and crack/coke and stupid shit like that.
She says she doesnt care that I drink, she just wants me to be careful. She said I can even drink around her if I want. Infact I'd overheard from a few of my friends that she'd questioned them about how I act when Im drunk (shes curious to know if Im a "mean drunk" like she was)

Now I've had people tell me she's a sucky mother, but in some ways, I'd disagree. I know some people would say it's because she lets me do what I would most likely go behind her back and do anyways, but in some ways I think she's right for doing what she does.
My mom went through all this when she was a teenager, she said she's done all of the above and more, she knows what it's like to be in my place, and she'd much rather have me do what im going to do in a safe, controlled enviorment, then at some random house party/rave with a buncha strange weirdo/rapists/ect..

I honestley dont think my mom's doing the wrong thing. She knows im a teenager, she knows this is what teenagers do. EVERYONE exsperiments with everything, it's just life. She knows how people who are sheltered end up - even I've seen it first hand - they eventually grow up, realize thier parents have been sheltering them and they rebel, doing everything 100x harder, and at a lot older age, just to get back at thier parents.

I see it as im getting all this shit over with while im young. I know im still a bit younger then I should be, but I dont really think there's anything wrong with it.
The purpose of my life is to slide into a grave sideways, goin 150mph and yellin about what a damn good ride it was... (y) Im just starting early, I guess.

[Helvete]

Look in a mirror for the answers to your questions.

[voltanapricot]

Now I've had people tell me she's a sucky mother, but in some ways, I'd disagree.
Only some ways? Where do you agree with what people say? I'm very open with my mum about all of the above but if my mum had offered to buy me cigarettes after I had told her as an under-aged person that I wanted to smoke I'd be a little shocked, is that it?

[kate]

i think there's a difference between you being open with your mom and her being cool about controlling your environment and whatnot, and what she is doing which to me sounds like encouragement. i mean, offering to buy you cigarettes is 100% without a doubt encouraging you to smoke, which is bad parenting out the wazoo.

as far as the underage drinking goes, i think it's not a bad idea for her to allow it as long as she knows who it's with, where it's going on, who's supervising it, etc. as long as you're over the age of like 16. i mean, kids under 16 just shouldn't be drinking at parties and shit. same goes with the condoms i guess. it's good that she's keeping you protected. but again there's a fine line between that and ENCOURAGING you to have sex.

and no parent should be cool with their kid smoking weed. i mean, it's illegal! for everyone at every age! drugs are bad!

i dunno. she sounds like she's trying to be too cool to me. there's just stuff that kids SHOULD do behind their parents back. that's what being a teenager is about, doing shit youre not supposed to and learning a lesson from it.

[Documad]

I good mom can never be a cool mom.

It's good that you tell her what you're doing though.

[zorra_chiflada]

I good mom can never be a cool mom.

It's good that you tell her what you're doing though.

true

[zorra_chiflada]

ps, what was the weed laced with?

[befsquire]

i think she's pretending to be cool, and hoping that by making nothing seem taboo, you'll decide you have zero interest in it, and therefore, she'll win because you won't do it / try it.

i'm a cool mom, but i would never encourage smoking, drinking, etc., nor would i ever offer to buy anything for my children. i want them to feel like they can be honest without fear of reprisal in most instances, but boundaries need to be set. for example, if my son gets really drunk at a party and drove there and actually calls and says he needs a ride home, i want him to feel he can do that without worrying that there's gonna be more shit than if he hid it. this is because teens driving are already a danger, and if you add alcohol, it's a disaster. so there will be no punishment that day. but the following weekend, i'll likely be all over him and attending all things, to where he wonders what the fuck i'm up to.

i haven't really worked it all out in my head yet how to punish without it looking like that's what it is -- maybe a manufactured weekend long distraction the next weekend would be the way to go. but i don't ever want him thinking that driving home is the better option, you know?

i'm hoping that none of this will even be necessary, but having been a teen once myself, i fear the worst.

[The Notorious LOL]

I good mom can never be a cool mom.

It's good that you tell her what you're doing though.


I sort of disagree with this. I wouldnt say my mom was cool per se, but she certainly wasnt some stern uptight bitch that ruled the house with an iron fist. She gave us a level of trust and respect as teenagers and expected the same in return. If you wanted something, you worked for it.


I was busted smoking cigarettes at age 17 and got chewed the fuck out, but generally, they trusted the choices I made and let me make them as an adult would.


my dad, on the other hand, was pretty cool. Still is. I like my parents :)

[zorra_chiflada]

my dad never told me off for anything thing because that would make him a huge fucking hypocite - he has done far worse things in his time.
my mother was very clear about rules and stuff, but when i got to the age of 16/17 they didn't care if i smoke/drank. they certainly didn't encourage it, but they figured the less strict you are, the less your children will rebel.

another interesting thing - people think me having parents the age of normal people's grandparents would have made them uptight and heavy handed. quite the opposite is true - they were very laid back. dad got pissy about little things.

[Nivvie]

i mean, offering to buy you cigarettes is 100% without a doubt encouraging you to smoke, which is bad parenting out the wazoo.



Well said.

I think kids should get their first taste of alcohol at home, my mother's an Italian type who gave watered down wine to kids all the time with special meals. Alcohol is something your should learn to handle and be responsible with, but cigarettes are addictive, so totally different.


It's great to be able to communicate openly with you kids, but mothers should always be mothers and not friends. You can have a good time with your mother, enjoy her company and tell her everything, without her crossing over into friend terratory.


EVERYONE exsperiments with everything, it's just life.

Sweeping generalisations just don't work.

[Lex Diamonds]

Openness is the best way of parenting I think. All my friends who aren't too heavy into drugs or alcohol are people whose parents let them do it as much as they want, or have talked to them about how much they do it/used to do it. If you tell a kid they can't do something, they're going to go out and do it as much as they can.

[venusvenus123]

i think she's pretending to be cool, and hoping that by making nothing seem taboo, you'll decide you have zero interest in it, and therefore, she'll win because you won't do it / try it.

i'm a cool mom, but i would never encourage smoking, drinking, etc., nor would i ever offer to buy anything for my children. i want them to feel like they can be honest without fear of reprisal in most instances, but boundaries need to be set. for example, if my son gets really drunk at a party and drove there and actually calls and says he needs a ride home, i want him to feel he can do that without worrying that there's gonna be more shit than if he hid it. this is because teens driving are already a danger, and if you add alcohol, it's a disaster. so there will be no punishment that day. but the following weekend, i'll likely be all over him and attending all things, to where he wonders what the fuck i'm up to.

i haven't really worked it all out in my head yet how to punish without it looking like that's what it is -- maybe a manufactured weekend long distraction the next weekend would be the way to go. but i don't ever want him thinking that driving home is the better option, you know?

i'm hoping that none of this will even be necessary, but having been a teen once myself, i fear the worst.

oh i do love you beth.(y)

hey documad, cool mums can be good mums thank you very much! :mad:

yes miss razorblade... i was with you up till the point when you said your mum buys you cigarettes. i mean, i even stop and think before i buy my own sister cheap ciggies when i'm in france or something. i don't want to kill her!

openness is the way to go tho. but i don't get why she wants to buy you cigarettes. ask her why...:confused:

ps. it's extremely, not extreamley;)

[QueenAdrock]

If you tell a kid they can't do something, they're going to go out and do it as much as they can.

Fact.

My Mormon friends are the ones who have tried the hardest things once they got out of their parents control. My only two friends who are smokers grew up Mormon, and they're also borderline alcoholics. They also lost their virginity at age 15, way before any of the rest of us.

My parents never told me NOT to do something, but they also didn't tell me it was okay. My mom always emphasized that though she would like it if I didn't drink, but if I was ever in a situation with a drunk driver, she would INSIST I called her no matter what the time was and she'd come pick me up and not yell at me...she just wanted me safe. I felt comfortable telling her when I went to a party and had a beer or two when I was underage, because I knew she grew up in the '60's and couldn't come down on me. I think me being honest to her also helped her trust me. I'm going to tell my kids that they can be honest with me, and I will not be angry - only offer advice.

[Loppfessor]

I good mom can never be a cool mom.



Wow that's actually pretty true. It sounds like her mom is crossing a big line between being open and openly encouraging. My home boy's parents in high school were some old hippie stoners and they knew we smoked and stuff but it wasn't like we could just pull out a joint and toke up in front of them. In fact one time his mom caught us and took it away.

Alsoe "EVERYONE" does not experiment with everything. I was one of the people who did try and lot of things and somehow managed to stay out of trouble the same can not be said for a lot of my homies who either did get in some kind of major trouble or just turned into losers. When I was young I always said that I wouldn't care if my kids wanted to experiment or whatever but now that I'm little older I'd rather they never even try that shit. There is always a chance they can try it and then move on. There's also a chance it can lead worse and worse things and they'll wind up dead or failures. To me the risk isn't worth it just to say you've experimented.

[cj hood]

you can't be militant, but you gotta set parameters....i disagree with what your mom is telling you.....but......i think it's cool that you realize that these things aren't such great ideas even though you mother approves.....i wouldn't flip out if i fount out my child was doing these things.....but i wouldn't give them the green light either......

[abcdefz]

It's cool that she's a confidant, but that sounds too permissive. That's an observation in retrospect: when I was a kid, my best friend's mom was like this, and I thought she was the coolest thing ever because she let us have the parties there, supplied the alcohol, and was so easy to talk to. Now I regret it. There was a lot of damage in her family and among her son's friends, and it's hard to know how much is due to the fact that some of this stuff was accessible.

[Documad]

It's really hard being a parent. You want your kids to feel comfortable having friends over so you know who their friends are. But you don't want to be the one all the neighborhood kids come to complain about their parents. You want your kids to know that you're going to help them when they come to you with the big problems. You your kids to be honest with you about where they're going and who they're hanging around with.

I always want to gag when I hear a mom say that she is her daughter's best friend. If that's true, there's something wrong. I was thinking of particular cases in my own life. I've seen too many divorced parents fighting to see who can be the most popular while no one is parenting. I'll stop there.

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

yes miss razorblade... i was with you up till the point when you said your mum buys you cigarettes. i mean, i even stop and think before i buy my own sister cheap ciggies when i'm in france or something. i don't want to kill her!

openness is the way to go tho. but i don't get why she wants to buy you cigarettes. ask her why...:confused:


She doesnt WANT to buy me cigs or condoms, but she says that if im going to smoke or have sex one way or another she'll buy me the things if I need them. (I dont smoke, btw, and smoking weed was a one time thing, I dont think i'll ever do it again.) She just says she'd rather have them come from her, then some jackass off the street or someone untrustworthy and shit like that.
She says she doesnt WANT me to smoke weed, and it's not ok if I do it a lot, but if I want to do it once or twice to get it out of the way, then she guesses she'll let me, she just wants to know where I am and who im with and who im getting it from. Thats all.
She wont buy alcohal for other kids either, or me, but she doesnt really care that I drink because i am 17, and I dont do it every weekend or anything like that, and it's always in moderation, so she's fine with it.

[befsquire]

oh i do love you beth.(y)
remember when you didn't, and i didn't like you either, and we had our claws out? i don't even know why it was that way, either (i was thinking it was more than bobby and i making people puke). anyway, it's nice that's long gone, even though it was sometimes fun.

and if you have any idea of what i can do, please post it, because my son is about to be 12, knowwhati'msayin?

[venusvenus123]

remember when you didn't, and i didn't like you either, and we had our claws out? i don't even know why it was that way, either (i was thinking it was more than bobby and i making people puke). anyway, it's nice that's long gone, even though it was sometimes fun.

and if you have any idea of what i can do, please post it, because my son is about to be 12, knowwhati'msayin?
well i guess it takes a while to get to "know" someone... plus it was when i came back after i'd been banned for a few months. it was all different and i didn't like it! before i left, this place had a very different culture: everyone bitched at each other, nothing was taken seriously and basically it was a laugh. suddenly when i returned everyone was all lovey dovey and serious with one another and it was quite annoying. so i just came back in full bitch mode i guess. haha.

sorry to ramble. but yeah, it's water under the bridge.

.... about your boy. well i just went to a festival with a group of (mostly) teenagers and this one girl who's 17 said her parents were just really open and honest with her and it was good. i don't know her that well, but it was sweet how she was talking to me about it. she was obviously happy with that and she seems generally ok.

i think kids always need boundaries, otherwise they don't feel safe.

my niece is about 19 and her parents have just never taken any care to show her rules and stuff. she does what she wants. she went to private boarding school, so she was out of their hair and they just don't give a shit about her -- my mother in law (her gran) has done most of her raising). she told me once that she wanted someone to tell her what time to come in to the house and care about her! she needed boundaries really badly. quite sad really. :(

i have no idea if any of this is any help for your son tho.:o

[venusvenus123]

She doesnt WANT to buy me cigs or condoms, but she says that if im going to smoke or have sex one way or another she'll buy me the things if I need them. (I dont smoke, btw, and smoking weed was a one time thing, I dont think i'll ever do it again.) She just says she'd rather have them come from her, then some jackass off the street or someone untrustworthy and shit like that..
well, you said she'd buy you cigs if you wanted to smoke. over here cigs means cigarettes, ya know, the marlboro man.

as for weed, you're unlikely to get seriously bad stuff off random people that will endanger your health (unlike heroin or Es or something). and if you were going to smoke weed, you'd usually do it with a group of friends. if you get ripped off, that's all part of the life/learning experience isn't it?

but i think it's good that she's being realistic about stuff... how old is your mum? she's probably younger than me:o

[ms.peachy]

Sounds like your mom is trying to be your peer rather than your parent. Lovely idea in theory; in reality, I think it's a load of bolllocks. I had a very permissive mother and quite frankly as an adult I am shocked at what she tolerated and certainly won't be following her example now that I am a mother myself. Believe me when I tell you this, her lax parenting was a huge source of contention between me, my sisters and her up until the day she died and in the days since my sisters and I have had many conversations about this and the bitter feelings we are all still struggling with as a result of her trying too hard to be our friend and not hard enough to be our mother. Lots of people when I was a teenager thought my mom was 'so cool' because of how much freedom I was allowed. Well you know what, it wasn't her job to be cool, it was her job to set firm boundaries.

I'm not saying you're going to end up being some total screw-up because your mom's not tough enough - I didn't, I turned out more or less OK - but I am saying that you shouldn't be surprised if, as time goes on, you find yourself building up a little well of resentment for not getting more firm guidance, and less happy feelgood I'm OK you're OK bullshit from her in your formative years.

Just my 2 cents, having been there, lived it, done it, had the therapy, and buried the woman.

[vickista]

I've been told that I have a mother with extreamley bad parenting skills,


nah uh, ur mum is awesome!

she might need to change the "ill buy you ciggarettes" to "when ur 18 i will let u decide", but yeah if she keeps ur relationship open then it gives her insight into ur life and and any potentially troublesome things u might get involved in and be able to help and give advice, and you get to know that you are never alone and there will always be someone there for you no matter what situation you are in.

thats the best a mum can do and you've got that so your really lucky to have her:) (y)

[Nivvie]

if she keeps ur relationship open then it gives her insight into ur life and and any potentially troublesome things u might get involved in and be able to help and give advice, and you get to know that you are never alone and there will always be someone there for you no matter what situation you are in.



You can do all that and still be a mother.
My child is well aware that lying and hidibng is the worst thing she can do, and if she does something awful, hiding it will make it a hundred times worse.

little story

When I was eleven I was quite a talented shop lifter, then one day a friend was caught, and word reached me that she had given over names during her arrest, mine included.
My mother was very big on boundaries and creative punishment (enforced community volutary work, all sorts), and a little scary when angry, but I still ran home and spilled the whole situation before the fuzz came (ten minutes later). I know she was grateful for the heads up.

You can be a rock to your child an still be a parent, but at the end of the day, every child needs a different style of parenting, and every parent makes mistakes. All we can do is our best.

[Loppfessor]

I'm going to make a prediction that one day within the next oh 5 years or so her mom winds up fucking one of her boyfriends or just guy friends....

[venusvenus123]

I'm going to make a prediction that one day within the next oh 5 years or so her mom winds up fucking one of her boyfriends or just guy friends....
you say it like there's something wrong with that.

[marsdaddy]

Neither of the premises can be proven by the facts you've given us. Are you on the path to becoming a well adjusted adult and is that in spite or because of your mom?

My take is not that dissimilar from many others, in that I think your mom has some ideas with which I agree and some with which I disagree. Buying condoms for a sexually active kid is a good idea. Buying weed is a bad idea and illegal -- though maybe a case could be made as a war supported for poppies from Afghanistan?

What do you think, though?

[Loppfessor]

you say it like there's something wrong with that.

It's all good if you're the high school boy but no one wants their friends to be able to say "Hey remember that time I nailed your mom?"

[B4BY 4NN]

as far as the underage drinking goes, i think it's not a bad idea for her to allow it as long as she knows who it's with, where it's going on, who's supervising it, etc. as long as you're over the age of like 16. i mean, kids under 16 just shouldn't be drinking at parties and shit. same goes with the condoms i guess. it's good that she's keeping you protected. but again there's a fine line between that and ENCOURAGING you to have sex.

and no parent should be cool with their kid smoking weed. i mean, it's illegal! for everyone at every age! drugs are bad!

i dunno. she sounds like she's trying to be too cool to me. there's just stuff that kids SHOULD do behind their parents back. that's what being a teenager is about, doing shit youre not supposed to and learning a lesson from it.

If I were to ask, my mother would let me try a sip of alcohol.. Or a glass. But only if I were home and under her supervision. I'm being completely honest when saying this, but really, I have little or no desire what-so-ever in drinking. If I do, yeah, I get buzzed/drunk, but I also know my limits. I have my sister buy me a bottle of sake as a weekend treat, to unwind. I won't drink to get sick (except for that one time... :p) I think sometimes the reason being was because my mother didn't raise us in a sheltered enviorment. She'd share her tales of woe as far as drinking went when she was our age (when we were old enough to understand). It sort of turned both me and my sister off to the whole binge-drinking fad. Plus, we both have this phobia of puking.

Hardcore Drugs were always a big NO in our house. Pot, however, was questionable. My mom mentions from time-to-time if she could, she WOULD grow it knowing it's her own stash and there's no risk of having it laced, etc. She had a bad experience once (she was around my age) with the pot being laced, which she believes is cause of her now heart issue. That scares me, though hasn't stopped me from toking up, err, once or twice in my life. As we all know, I've had my bout with drugs though not hands on. I don't want to end up like.. Yeah, my ex. It's like watching someone die a slow and painful death. It's just sad.

I could always talk to my mother about sex, but when I was first interested in having it, she was very intense about taking me to a gyno first and getting condoms/birth control, the what ifs, the EDUCATION. I remember finding this book underneath my mother's bed when I was around 10-11 years old. It's an old book.. It's My Body, maybe? Anyway, that book is/was a godsend although at 10 I was just looking at it for amusement purposes. When my mother discovered I was reading it, she didn't act all "WAWAWA, THAT'S DIRTY!" She was more "If you have any questions, just ask me."