Question for the boys.

[QueenAdrock]

Okay my friend has this situation and I'm wondering what to make of it/what to tell her and I have no idea.

My friend likes this guy who's getting out of a divorce and says he's not ready for a relationship yet because he's still healing (it's been quite a few months, they were married for one year, no kids). But he'll hang out with her (just the two of them in date-like settings) and have sex with her. Everything he does is boyfriend-like, yet refuses to acknowledge that he's dating her. She keeps thinking it means once he's "ready" he'll want to date her, and she keeps telling me that he definitely does care about her because he's told her so. He just moved here for college, doesn't know anyone else except his brother and my friend. He first said he was too busy with school to hang out with her, but has since made exceptions and sees her all the time. No-go on the relationship status though.

What the hell does that mean, guys?

[hitmonlee]

i'm sorry i shouldnt answer cos im a girl but i had one of those "i'm not your boyfriend" boyfriends and i want to tell your friend to run! run for the hills now! the damage it will do to her, never being properly acknowledged :(

[b i o n i c]

this is easy, he might like her but he doesnt want a girlfriend. he wants the things that go with having a girlfriend and maybe he's found a really nice person that gives him that but he just doesnt want to lock the doors and not look elsewhere. this has probably been explained to her in a gentle way. just because he doesnt want to commit to her doesnt mean he doesnt like her

she can either just be angry, stamp her feet and end it or accept it for what it is and enjoy the little or lots of good that could come out if it

[TurdBerglar]

sounds like he's just scared to be in a relationship. doesn't want the torment of his last. doing those things that he does with her pretty much makes them boyfriend and girlfriend by default, no? i think just the label frightens him

[QueenAdrock]

Oh, I also forgot to point out that he's 33 and my friend is a very immature 23. I was also thinking since he's been married at age 33 he doesn't want to go back to having a "real" relationship with a younger girl, but he's all for hanging out at bars and sex. Maybe he just can't see himself in a long-term relationship with someone of her maturity level? I dunno.

The girls I've talked to in situations similar to this say that the guy will pretty much never come around, they'll just continue to hang out and bump uglies because they realize they can do it and not be forced to be tied down.

[beastieangel01]

I definitely think it's what you described in this last response.

If something comes of it later then good for them but I really think she should not be holding her breath.

[Lex Diamonds]

I'm guessing it's because she doesn't swallow.

[ScarySquirrel]

Sounds like homeboy found a piece of ass he knows he can use on the regular without commitment. He's using 'er for sure, man. Get your friend the hell out of there!

[abcdefz]

Basically, a lot of guys -- maybe even most guys -- will give back the minimum if they're getting their own needs satisfied. If what he wants is someone to have sex with that he can commit to as little as possible, it sounds like he's got it.

If she's not happy with that, I'd say she should cut bait and run. He's clearly getting what he wants already, so it's doubtful that she's going to change him.

[QueenAdrock]

Yeah, that's pretty much what I think. But on the other hand, she will NOT let go of him. She's like "I'm happy and he might go out with me eventually," so I don't tell her to cut and run because she's in her own little happy superficial world...she won't listen to me, guaranteed.

I know if she gets "dumped" she's going to come running back to me and I'm getting pretty sick of it too. Just because in all her relationships, she completely ditches me and the rest of her friends to go hang out with said guy, and once her heart is broken, she'll come ruuuunnnning back and lean on her friends who haven't seen her for months. So I have the feeling that's gonna happen eventually. I don't really want to deal with her "waking up" to the situation because that's what'll happen. But on the other hand, it's shitty for her to stay in it if the guy will never commit and I don't want to see her doing that. Rock and a hard place.

[abcdefz]

You just can't tell anybody anything.

*sighs*

[QueenAdrock]

Yeah. :mad:

[b i o n i c]

Just because in all her relationships, she completely ditches me and the rest of her friends to go hang out with said guy, and once her heart is broken, she'll come ruuuunnnning back and lean on her friends who haven't seen her for months. So I have the feeling that's gonna happen eventually. I don't really want to deal with her "waking up" to the situation because that's what'll happen. But on the other hand, it's shitty for her to stay in it if the guy will never commit and I don't want to see her doing that. Rock and a hard place.

why not just let her be the way she is without being mad at her. its hard enough being the type that she is and not having shit reciprocated. why does the guy have to commit to her for any good to come of it

[beastiegirrl101]

Basically, a lot of guys -- maybe even most guys -- will give back the minimum if they're getting their own needs satisfied. If want he wants is someone to have sex with that he can commit to as little as possible, it sounds like he's got it.

If she's not happy with that, I'd say she should cut bait and run. He's clearly getting what he wants already, so it's doubtful that she's going to change him.

very, very well said.

I think she's just a distraction for him at this point...rebound.

[The Notorious LOL]

this is probably why theres so many guys in their early 30s dating girls in their early 20s.


cuz theys stupid.

[QueenAdrock]

why not just let her be the way she is without being mad at her. its hard enough being the type that she is and not having shit reciprocated. why does the guy have to commit to her for any good to come of it

Well, the guy WILL have to commit for something good to come of it. It's fine right now, but trust me, it'll crash and burn if he doesn't want to take it further. My friend expects a husband and family along the way, and that's what she's looking for right now. She's not into the casual dating scene, she's always been the girl that wants to date a guy in order to find her husband. So she'll be in for kind of a shock if it doesn't work that way. :-/

[abcdefz]

This is almost like a classic "Dear Abby" letter.

"Dear Abby --

"How long can a girl abet a guy's contentment before he will change?"

:(

[b i o n i c]

Well, the guy WILL have to commit for something good to come of it. It's fine right now, but trust me, it'll crash and burn if he doesn't want to take it further. My friend expects a husband and family along the way, and that's what she's looking for right now. She's not into the "dating" scene, she's always been the girl that wants to date a guy in order to find her husband. So she'll be in for kind of a shock if it doesn't work that way. :-/


does she NOT hear what the guy is saying? why does she choose to ignore his stated intentions, and why is he a bad guy. girls like that scare me. it would suck to end up the husband of someone who wouldve taken anyone

[abcdefz]

does she NOT hear what the guy is saying? why does she choose to ignore his stated intentions, and why is he a bad guy.



Women and men seem to handle discussion differently. A guy will think something's been decided, and a woman will often think that a point has been settled on from which continued negotiation can take place.

Frustrating.

[QueenAdrock]

Nah, she definitely hears what he's saying...and twists it in her mind. Like he says "I'm not interested in a relationship right now, but maybe at a later time..." and changes it into "We WILL have a relationship later."

He's not a bad guy, he doesn't know what she's thinking. I'm sure that if he knew she was expecting a relationship, he'd either cut it off now or start dating her. And if he STILL dragged it out and didn't do either, then he'd be a skeezeball.

[b i o n i c]

And if he STILL dragged it out and didn't do either, then he'd be a skeezeball.


why would he be a skeeze if he told her again that he did not want her as a girlfriend and if she heard that and continued to sleep with him?

[QueenAdrock]

You can tell someone something many times but you can't make them accept it; if he KNEW that she was expecting a relationship and that was the only reason she continued to see him, that'd be kinda fucked up to keep screwing her and taking her out. He could cut her free and let her find a guy who DID want that, as opposed to using her for his own selfish purposes but chooses not to. Since he doesn't know that's what she's thinking, he's not skeezy right now.

[b i o n i c]

You can tell someone something many times but you can't make them accept it; if he KNEW that she was expecting a relationship and that was the only reason she continued to see him, that'd be kinda fucked up to keep screwing her and taking her out. He could cut her free and let her find a guy who DID want that, as opposed to using her for his own selfish purposes but chooses not to. Since he doesn't know that's what she's thinking, he's not skeezy right now.


they are both adults and their words should mean something.

[abcdefz]

That's an awkward situation for a guy to be in -- if he's truly up front about his (lack of intentions) and the woman is willfully ignoring that. (Or if the sexes were reversed -- it wouldn't matter.)

Yeah -- he should do the decent thing if he realizes she's actually EXPECTING something different, commitment-wise. Break it off so he's not leading her on. It's such a crappy thing, though, to be forthright about things and still, by default, be leading someone on, but I think that's just how it is. Sucks.

[QueenAdrock]

they are both adults and their words should mean something.

True, but he told her "I don't want a relationship now, but maybe sometime later," so I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. What's later? Why not now? Is it just a line? Who knows.

[b i o n i c]

maybe he won't want one with her, maybe he will

[QueenAdrock]

That's the most vague and bewildering response to "Do you want to date" I've ever heard. "Maybe, maybe not. Let's not talk about it." It's like when "adults" use the line "It's not you it's me." You don't take that stuff for what it means, you know it's just a polite way of saying "fuck off."

Either way, I really wish she stops hanging around him because I have the sneaking suspicion that "maybe not" will be the answer. I mean, if he has all the benefits now without being tied down, I don't see why he'd stop that. Unless she gave him an ultimatum. Which she also won't do because she's afraid of the answer.

Sigh.

[b i o n i c]

if she's not enjoying the now, then she should give him an ultimatum. otherwise she should just accept that it won't be the way she's dreaming it up to be and that it might only be what it is now

[abcdefz]

True, but he told her "I don't want a relationship now, but maybe sometime later," so I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. What's later? Why not now? Is it just a line? Who knows.


I think when a guy's saying that, the decoder ring translates it as "you're not The One." I don't think any single man meets the woman of his dreams and says he's just not ready for a relationship. But you do meet someone who is just fine, but they're not The One, and so you don't want to commit while there are still other possible options. I'm not sure how often someone then commits to Good Enough with one foot out the door and one ass sunk in the couch.

[QueenAdrock]

Well, she's enjoying the now because she's in her stupid little world of "We're almost dating!" but she knows if she gives him an ultimatum she runs the risk of him "dumping" her and that terrifies her.

It's difficult to be in that sort of situation. I know that I should have given Wayne an ultimatum of "either we get engaged soon or we call it off" because I was sick of not knowing where I stood. His dad said no way to me marrying Wayne, Wayne loved me, so I never knew which way Wayne would go - either respect his dad and stay in his will, or follow his heart and stay with the person he loved. I never asked him to make that decision, I just waited and hoped for the best. It was dumb, but I really loved him and hoping something will work out seemed like the best choice at the time.

It may be one of those situations that you only know after you've gone through it. I just don't want to see her go through it because I can guess how it'll end up.

[b i o n i c]

she should just accept it, like a lease to a ferrari that she wont be able to pay for once its up. or get on and find her own

[abcdefz]

^
Similar wavelength


It sounds kind of crass, but I wonder if we just changed the terms sometimes and treated stuff like this as an actual business transaction, if it wouldn't make things a good bit clearer. You know? Like,

"Can you guarantee delivery within 12 months?"

"No."

"How long."

"I don't know how long. Maybe no delivery ever; that would be your risk to take."

"Hmmm...."

[QueenAdrock]

True, but it's easier said than done. Especially for chicks, I think.

But yeah, sometimes I just want to be like, stop waiting. You can be finding someone else who's better AND on the same relationship level that you are if you just stop trying for this dude.

It's terrifying to let go of something that you're accustomed to, though. I mean, everything's new and scary. But it's worth it in the long run because you DO find someone who's willing to give you that something that the last guy wasn't wanting to. Worked for me. :o

[QueenAdrock]

It sounds kind of crass, but I wonder if we just changed the terms sometimes and treated stuff like this as an actual business transaction, if it wouldn't make things a good bit clearer. You know? Like,

"Can you guarantee delivery within 12 months?"

"No."

"How long."

"I don't know how long. Maybe no delivery ever; that would be your risk to take."

"Hmmm...."

Brilliant. I'll forward it to her. :p

[venusvenus123]

is this only for boys?

i'll put my two pennies in anyway....

he's just come out of a divorce. what part of that does your friend not understand? if she wants more than what he can offer her right now, she should probably look somewhere else.

she sounds like an annoying friend tho, ignoring you when she's with someone etc. maybe you should encourage her to stay with him :p

[QueenAdrock]

I felt terrible for thinking it, but I was like...you know, if she stays with the guy at least she isn't coming running back to me crying. Whatever, let her stay with him. At least until I manage to move to Canada, then once the shit hits the fan I'll be far away enough that I won't have to deal with it.

I'm a turrible person. :(

[skinnybutphat]

This means he wants to fuck as many girls as he can.

[QueenAdrock]

Ehhh...I don't think he'll be too successful.

Let's just say they met on a dungeons and dragons-type website. It's called MUDD something or other. He's a huge, huge nerdo. She is too, but it's not as obvious.

[skinnybutphat]

Ehhh...I don't think he'll be too successful.

Let's just say they met on a dungeons and dragons-type website. It's called MUDD something or other. He's a huge, huge nerdo. She is too, but it's not as obvious.

Then it means he likes the girl, but isn't totally sold on her yet. He's has concerns or is looking for something better.

[Lex Diamonds]

Let's just say they met on a dungeons and dragons-type website. It's called MUDD something or other. He's a huge, huge nerdo. She is too, but it's not as obvious.
Haha, your friends are dorks, making you a dork for being friends with dorks!

Dork!

[skra75]

What the hell does that mean, guys?

It means he just got divorced and has a reasonble fear of commitment but still enjoys sleeping with girls etc etc. No science here really, it's pretty fucking obvious.

[venusvenus123]

It means he just got divorced and has a reasonble fear of commitment but still enjoys sleeping with girls etc etc. No science here really, it's pretty fucking obvious.
that's what i was trying to say :o

[Echewta]

Is your friend Dominican?

[befsquire]

i'm with skra.

it means he'll be fucking her until she says no.

your friend is either rebound girl or transition girl, but she is never going to be the girlfriend.

[QueenAdrock]

Haha, your friends are dorks, making you a dork for being friends with dorks!

Dork!

Well no shit, I AM dating Droppin. :rolleyes:


But yeah, new development. All these months I thought he was divorced, uh-oh, turns out the paperwork hasn't been filed. He's been separated for two years but doesn't plan on divorcing her until he's living in Maryland permanently because something about assets. I don't know I didn't pay too much attention. Either way, he's still technically married.

That can't be good.

[marsdaddy]

What the hell does that mean, guys?He likes what he considers to be unattached sex. He also young and doesn't know better. And he'll end up hurting your friend, as if he cast aside a marriage after a year, what do you think he'll do to a "I AM NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND" relationship?