i'd like to hear a joke

[HOTWIFE]

a good one. i'm bored out of my skull. i like chuck norris jokes.

[Bob]

a zen buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

[kleptomaniac]

a zen buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

that's a refreshing joke that i've only heard a thousand times lol

[Bob]

a kleptomaniac makes a post on a message board and i go "shut up"

[kleptomaniac]

ahahahahaha good one! :rolleyes:

[HOTWIFE]

nice try Bob

[adam_f]

Gregory Hines walks into a bar and punches HOTWIFE's husband in the neck. Then calls him a bitch.

[HOTWIFE]

Gregory Hines walks into a bar and punches HOTWIFE's husband in the neck. Then calls him a bitch.
sweetie. gregory's dead. he's in a better place. there there.

[Bob]

chuck norris walks into a bar. the bartender says "hey, aren't you" and chuck norris goes "yeah" and the bartender says "oh cool, this one's on the house" and chuck norris goes "no it's cool, it's not like i can't afford it ha ha" and the bartender goes "you sure?" and chuck says "yeah i'm a man just like anyone else" and the bartender says "ok, that'll be $4.50 then"

[HOTWIFE]

chuck norris walks into a bar. the bartender says "hey, aren't you" and chuck norris goes "yeah" and the bartender says "oh cool, this one's on the house" and chuck norris goes "no it's cool, it's not like i can't afford it ha ha" and the bartender goes "you sure?" and chuck says "yeah i'm a man just like anyone else" and the bartender says "ok, that'll be $4.50 then"
did you make that up? cuz that's like, funny in that way that jokes that are made up are funny.

[Genocide Tulips]

So sexy, Bob.

[ToucanSpam]

Knock Knock.

[Bob]

So sexy, Bob.

good one

[HOTWIFE]

Knock Knock.
alright fine.

who's there?!?!?!?!

[Praying Mantis]

A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it.......... the woman replied, snorting pepper.

[Praying Mantis]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy fucking bitch.''

[Randetica]

14 year old girls make bob feel all strong and chuck norrish

that tiger!



eh thats no joke

skip this post

v
v
v

[HOTWIFE]

A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it.......... the woman replied, snorting pepper.
heard that one before. but you get a star on your little forehead anyway

[Bob]

take my wife, please

[HOTWIFE]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy fucking bitch.''
hahahaha

[ToucanSpam]

alright fine.

who's there?!?!?!?!
The.

[HOTWIFE]

The.
:mad:

the who.

[Bob]

if this joke is about peter townshend, i quit

[ToucanSpam]

:mad:

the who.
I forget how this goes...

[ToucanSpam]

if this joke is about peter townshend, i quit
:(

[HOTWIFE]

:mad:

[Praying Mantis]

Little Jimmy is at school and the teacher says "your homework is to work out the difference between potential and reality".Jimmy goes home and has no idea ,so he asks his dad.His dad thinks about it and tells Jimmy to ask his mom if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars .He asks his mom and she says"don`t tell your dad ,but yes i would for a million dollars." Jimmy goes and tells his dad all this and his dad says "Go and ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars" he asks his sister and she says "don`t tell dad but yes , i would for a million dollars" Jimmy goes and tells his dad this and his dad says "There you go Jimmy , thats the difference between potential and reality.Potentially we`re sitting on two million dollars, in reality we`re living with a couple of whores".


....Thanks for the star

[Genocide Tulips]

take my life, please.

.

[Praying Mantis]

Whats 8 miles long and has an IQ under 40?





St. Pattys Day Parade

[mikizee]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a
bridge?
She wasclinically depressed and took her own life because ofher terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.' The otherman replies: 'Yes, she
has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind abush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt
to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.

[kleptomaniac]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[mikizee]

What do you call a bunch of lawyers?

A group of highly trained legal professionals.


A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink, chats to the bartender, then goes home and thinks about the poorer choices he's made in life.

[Bob]

an irishman walks out of a bar

[ToucanSpam]

So a guy walks into a bar....

























































































































Ouch. It was an iron bar.

[kleptomaniac]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[mikizee]

What's big, yellow and sits in a corner?

A naughty bulldozer.

[mikizee]

Whats green and eats nuts?








Syphillis.

[kleptomaniac]

a zen buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

now i know why it sounds so familiar (http://www.beastieboys.com/bbs/showpost.php?p=1068790&postcount=30) :p

[kleptomaniac]

Whats green and eats nuts?








Syphillis.

hmm... same thread (http://www.beastieboys.com/bbs/showpost.php?p=1069066&postcount=67) :D

[-T-]

Here's a few, your luck I have a crapload of them saved somewhere.
BTW I saw a new mountain dew commercial that featured chuck norris today, it was awsome.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one

Chuck Norris once won a game of connect four in three moves

[Bob]

chuck norris is the hobgoblin of small minds

[-T-]

chuck norris is the hobgoblin of small minds

Whats wrong with Chuck Norris? I always enjoyed watching him kickbox.

[ggirlballa]

all the jokes i can remember are childish & vulgar.... childish & vulgar should never be in the same sentence

[Mr Films]

Why do women fake orgasms?



Because they think we give a shit.

[HOTWIFE]

Here's a few, your luck I have a crapload of them saved somewhere.
BTW I saw a new mountain dew commercial that featured chuck norris today, it was awsome.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one

Chuck Norris once won a game of connect four in three moves

<3

[HOTWIFE]

Why do women fake orgasms?



Because they think we give a shit.
:D

[Drederick Tatum]

whats the best thing about fucking twenty eight year olds?


there's twenty of them.

[KingOfPop]

One day Gomer Pyle asked his Girlfriend:

Lou Anne, can I stick my finger in your belly button?”

“No, Gomah, you cain’t”

“Please? Lou Anne, can I stick my finger in your belly button?”

“Okay, Gomah, just this once.”

“Why Gomah, that ain’t my belly button!”

“Surprise, surprise, surprise. That ain’t my finger, neither.”

[kleptomaniac]

why did michael jackson go to k-mart?

he heard little boys' pants were half-off.

[KingOfPop]

why did michael jackson go to k-mart?

he heard little boys' pants were half-off.


BAH HA HA HA HA!!

















































bitch

[ggirlballa]

why did michael jackson go to k-mart?

he heard little boys' pants were half-off.

lol this reminds me so much of that SNL skit with adam sandler & chris farley & david spade dressed in drag...oh funny shit

[Schmeltz]

Why is Michael Jackson like caviar?

They both come on little white crackers.

[kleptomaniac]

lol this reminds me so much of that SNL skit with adam sandler & chris farley & david spade dressed in drag...oh funny shit

hilarious! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6-d9UgCrgs) :D

[Tone Capone]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a
bridge?
She wasclinically depressed and took her own life because ofher terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.' The otherman replies: 'Yes, she
has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind abush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt
to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.


LOL!!!! These are awesome!!!

[Otis Driftwood]

What's the difference btw Michael Jackson and Walmart?

















None, they both have boys pants half off.

[Pres Zount]

Somebody had the exact same joke a couple of posts ago, you dunce.

[Randetica]

Somebody had the exact same joke a couple of posts ago, you dunce.


LOL good one (y)

[Big Gus]

Whats got 2 legs and bleeds?


Half a dog.

[DIGI]

take my wife, please


HaHa.


So, before dinner, my wife asked me to take out the garbage. I said "Why, you cooked it?"


My wife is trying to get me to quit smoking. We had a compromise and I agreed to only smoke after sex. I've been smoking the same pack for 15 years.

[Bob]

i love this board!

[Dorothy Wood]

here's a racist (or xenophobic?) joke I used to tell in the 80's. I learned it from my dad when I was 5 years old:

so, a chinese guy, a japanese guy and a korean guy move to america, but they don't speak any english, see. they get an apartment together and get jobs. the chinese guy gets a job at a restaurant as a busboy and the only english he learns is "fork and knife". the japanese guy gets a job at the candy store and the only english he knows is "goodie goodie gum drops". the korean guy gets a job at the opera, the only english he learns is, "me me me me" (sung in an opera voice).








one day, the three friends are walking down the street, when they happen upon a man lying on the sidewalk who has been beaten up badly. they try to revive him, but it's no hope, he's dead. a cop happens by and says, "what happened here?! who killed this man!" and the korean guy says, "ME ME ME ME!" and the cop says, "oh yeah! how'd you do it?!" and the chinese guy goes, "FORK AND KNIFE! FORK AND KNIFE!" and the cop says, "hey! you three are going to jail!" and the japanese guys yells, "GOODIE GOODIE GUM DROPS! GOODIE GOODIE GUM DROPS!".



orginally when I told this joke, I would squint my eyes and deliver an "asian" accent. ohhhh dad. also, besides the offensive quality of the joke, what kind of kid goes around telling jokes about someone being beaten to death? haha. never thought about it too hard I guess.

[mikizee]

why did hitler commit suicide?


he saw his gas bill.

[abcdefz]

So I'm laying in bed next to my girlfriend, and she's obviously got something on her mind. "Honey, what's wrong?" I ask. She sighs and says,
"I'm sorry, I have to break up with you." I reply "What?? Why?" "Well," she says,"my friends all say that you're a pedophile." I sit there
for a few seconds thinking about this, then say, "'Pedophile' is an awfully big word for a seven year old."

[Guy Incognito]

So I'm laying in bed next to my girlfriend, and she's obviously got something on her mind. "Honey, what's wrong?" I ask. She sighs and says,
"I'm sorry, I have to break up with you." I reply "What?? Why?" "Well," she says,"my friends all say that you're a pedophile." I sit there
for a few seconds thinking about this, then say, "'Pedophile' is an awfully big word for a seven year old."

:D:D:D

in a similar theme -

Q.Whats the best thing about having sex with twenty eight year olds?


A.There are twenty of them

[abcdefz]

a.k.a. "If one cries for her mommy, there are still 19 left."

[adam_f]

I have a joke.

A-Z is a cool dude.

LOL.

[roosta]

a zen buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

say bob, I hear you have a great addition to this joke....

[Bob]

he then pays and waits for his change, but the hot dog vendor says "ah, change comes from within"

i wrote this joke, i did it myself, it's great huh

[roosta]

haha! great! i'd never heard that part before!

[Bob]

thanks