Sometimes I wonder...

[ericlee]

What it would be like to grow up with a father. I know, droppin made a thread about being pissed at his dad which kind of sparked up my idea that I've had since I was a kid.

My pops was a great man but he was slowly falling off his rocker because he was a Marine in Vietnam. A combat marine at that. He's seen alot of bad things and he wouldn't talk about it really. I'd ask him and he'd just say a few sentences such as him having some of the best friends there and then he'd just go blank and the conversation would be over.

As time went by, he just started turning into a bad alcoholic and also just started losing his mind which scared my mom away and she took my brother and I and left him.

I saw him every once and a while after my mom divorced him and it just made me feel uneasy to see him because he was either drunk or asked me for money so he could get more alcohol. Not just that but he was real ragged looking. Just in terrible shape.

It's sad to say but I really didn't know my pops. He passed away 10 years ago but, next week is his birthday and I always think about him during this time of the year.

Anyone else who's parents had a divorce when they were young? Share your feelings here.

[TurdBerglar]

my parents just got married

[jennyb]

Gosh, funny you should say this. As I read Droppin's thread I thought about my father as well. It got me totally emotional.

My parents divorced when I was 7 years old because my father decided he liked men. Yep. But Ma and Pa remained to be best of friends up until the day he died. I'd give anything to argue with my father, just to talk to him again. *wipes tear* God willing, there's a heaven we can all party in someday.

[ericlee]

my parents just got married

For serious? I think you're bsing. I don't know why.

Yeah, when the kid is already grown up, I think it's the best time for parents to get married. That way when they want to get a divorce and shit then it doesn't have much of an impact.

[TurdBerglar]

nope


they just went down to city hall and fucking filled out some papers and payed a fee

[zorra_chiflada]

i've never really known my father either. he's very old - the age of most people's grandparents and never talks about himself. he's a WW2 vet and i think that it has seriously fucked him up for the rest of his life.
anyway, he's never said he loves me or shown any sign of caring about me at all. that's not to say he doesn't. i don't know, maybe he doesn't. he did ask me to leave his house and to not live there anymore. we always fought. however, mum told me that i am the only person in his life that he has ever listened to. when i tell him to do something, he'll do it, no questions asked. it's this kinda unspoken bond of trust or something. we have a lot in common i guess. that's what mum thinks. we both have the same ugly aspects of our personality that has alienated many people in our lives - a violent temper and impatience.

[ericlee]

Gosh, funny you should say this. As I read Droppin's thread I thought about my father as well. It got me totally emotional.

My parents divorced when I was 7 years old because my father decided he liked men. Yep. But Ma and Pa remained to be best of friends up until the day he died. I'd give anything to argue with my father, just to talk to him again. *wipes tear* God willing, there's a heaven we can all party in someday.

Oh yeah, that's rough. At least your rents kept on good terms. My dad had my mom very afraid of him.

He got heavy into religion. I mean scary heavy. I'm talking to the point where he said he was Paul the Apostle. He also said that my brother and I shouldn't worry because we'd all be together in heaven soon- meaning..... Just guess.

I can't blame the guy. He went through some very, very hard times. We also believe that he's been messed up with agent orange but, leave it to the government to take their own sweet ass time to do anything about it till it's too late.

Yeah, I wish I could argue with him too. I even joined the army when he was still alive and being him, a marine, was so crazy that it didn't even phase him that his son didn't follow in his footsteps. He just asked for beer money when I came to see him wearing my class A uniform.

[ericlee]

oh and because of my pops' going crazy with religion, I've grown to hate it. I'm basically atheist.

However, I believe in god but only one and he presents himself in a form in which everyone could understand. But people take it for granted.

[ericlee]

Then you would be agnostic.

This isn't a correct my religious status thread, my friend. I hate religion so much that I haven't even looked up the correct term for what I'm considered to be.

On a side note, I'm sorry to hear that you haven't seen your pops in 10 years.

How could people do that?

[ericlee]

i've never really known my father either. he's very old - the age of most people's grandparents and never talks about himself. he's a WW2 vet and i think that it has seriously fucked him up for the rest of his life.
anyway, he's never said he loves me or shown any sign of caring about me at all. that's not to say he doesn't. i don't know, maybe he doesn't. he did ask me to leave his house and to not live there anymore. we always fought. however, mum told me that i am the only person in his life that he has ever listened to. when i tell him to do something, he'll do it, no questions asked. it's this kinda unspoken bond of trust or something. we have a lot in common i guess. that's what mum thinks. we both have the same ugly aspects of our personality that has alienated many people in our lives - a violent temper and impatience.

That's hurtful to hear. WW2 was a very rough time. You've just got to look at it like this, that it's not his fault that he's being negative. I don't care what people say but, if you go to war, it's there to fuck with you till your grave. Your pops loves you, don't even worry about it. I'm almost for certain that he wanted you to leave the house because he didn't want you to see the dramatic crap he's going through because of the war.

I just hope that one day I don't snap and become such a hard person to live with. 4 years living in a somewhat hostile environment, I've seen some horrible things.

[ericlee]

Yeah sorry, I wasn't meaning to start an argument or anything. Yeah religion is bullshit. End religious discussion.

Yeah I'm not sure exactly how many years but I'm sure it would be over 10 by now. I don't usually care really, I'm not an emotional person. Underage Girlie's post got me a little bit sad though, possibly fueled by the fact that a sad song was playing in media player haha I dunno. It's just something I never had, so I don't usually care too much about it.

No problem.

In your case, you have yourself to shove in your pops' face. You seem to be doing fine. Athletic, outgoing, making some hilarious comics.

I'm not sure what your story is... Whether he was a deserter but, if he comes back just make him crawl to you. Don't even give him the glory of a long conversation at first meeting. Let him know that he was missed and let him know how it feels before even cracking a smile at him if you meet again.

If you don't meet again then I dunno. I wouldn't sweat it. My ex wife has a daughter who's 16 years old now and she could give a rat's ass about her dad because he hasn't even made an effort to meet her since she was born.

[ericlee]

Haha I don't usually tell anyone this stuff, I guess I'm pretty bored :|

Bleh, me neither. Best way to relieve yourself from it is tell everyone. Well, sort of everyone.

I'm from a small town so, everyone knows my story. Mainly because my town is so small and my pops was a Marine and there isn't very many from there. And then he had his struggles and sure enough, the media fucks wanted to cover his mishaps.

If I were you though, I'd wait for him to make the greeting appointment. If he doesn't then man, it's hard to decide whether he's worth it.

[kaiser soze]

Looks like we have alot of bastards on this board....including myself!

My biological father left myself and my sibs after my brother died, luckily for us my mom remarried to an excellent dad...sadly he is developing dementia but I still love him

It's weird, somewhere out there I have a younger half-sister...I wonder if I'll ever see her again.

p.s.

Fuck deadbeat dads

[na§tee]

i am sorry to hear about some of the pain here, really.

ericlee, i was looking at that picture of your dad the other day in the dna thread and he looks so outstandingly like you. i'm sorry things ended up the way they have. he must have seen some horrors.

uhhmm, me..
well. my parents got divorced the summer after i went to university, when i turned 19, so i guess i can't really comment on how it is for a young child - really jarring and totally overwhelming, i can imagine. when we lived in germany i think they were happy. however, we moved to the isle of lewis (where my dad is from) when i was 11/12 - my mum, brother and i - and my dad stayed on the mainland to continue doing his army thang there and reach the good-pension-retirement-age or something. he stayed there for 6 years.

i think my mum just got so used to being by herself that he was a different person when he returned to live with us. 6 years of not being together, doing things, talking, arguing, raising your children, whatever. he was gone for most of those important teen years in my life so i was sort of 'meh' about him returning and changing our 'routine'. i love my father but we are not best buds or anything. i don't miss him. i feel bad i don't have a desire to really be matey. i feel this guilt because a lot of people would kill to even have an opportunity with their own fathers and i just don't mind.

my mum had meningitis, a hysterectomy and a partial masectomy all in four years or something so she went a bit nutbar for a while. most of this happened when he wasn't here. but when he came back she finally realised she didn't love him anymore. it was such a car crash to watch, the summer it happened, and with adult eyes. they were sleeping in different rooms, they weren't speaking, they didn't enjoy each other, my dad was drinking constantly just to blur it out.

sometimes i am angry at my dad for not 'making the effort'. but he adored her, he really did. it was so upsetting watching a man come to terms with the fact that someone he has been with for 20 years didn't love him anymore. how absolutely heart-breaking to go through that. his way of dealing with it was to either joke about it or have random fits which always resulted in my mum and my brother staying the night in the hotel she worked in and me shouting at him for being an ass and putting him to bed.

we are very alike. i look in the mirror and i see myself becoming him every day. father and daughter relationships, i think, are really bizarre. it took him a lot of time to apparently 'get over' the fact that when he returned home i was nearly a woman, all these boys were constantly at our house (hey! friends, i didn't have any boyfriends at school) that he had no history with.

i am happy that they are divorced because staying with somone you don't really love anymore just out of convenience and habit is a cruel and unusual sort of punishment. she is happy now. she threw herself into all these 'youthful' things she never really got to do or have - friends, travel, dating. my dad is still in love with her.

i have no regret for any lack of a 'family unit' i may not have anymore as a result of them divorcing. i never held any romantic expectations from my parents. i was more concerned about losing a home that i enjoyed (when things were good) and loved participating in. i have never liked change and that was the most upsetting thing for me - having all these comforts swept away.

i don't know what sort of parent i will be. i don't know if i will have (or want!) the opportunity.

[Lyman Zerga]

I haven't seen my father in over 10 years.


yeah i also had no contact with my dad for many years but i was happy with that situation since i always thought he was shit at being a dad

i can accept him as our family friend though


well your dad is missing out!

[abcdefz]

nope


they just went down to city hall and fucking filled out some papers and payed a fee


...so now I can't call you a bastard anymore?

Bastard.

[hpdrifter]

My parents were married for like a year. Just enough time for me to be born. They went on and off for 8 years, then mom got pregnant. Dad was in and out, he'd come and live with us for awhile then one day he'd just be gone. My mom would write a card from him or get us a present or something. We'd move where he was and he'd move away.

You know, I think I want to have kids but I want my kids to have a dad. But in this thread it just seems like so many people don't know their fathers. You start out with the best intentions and then what happens?

[TAL]

then mom got pregnant. Dad was in and out
That's how it happens.

[hpdrifter]

I'm tryin to share here.

Oh and P.S. yarg.

[TAL]

...so now I can't call you a bastard anymore?

Bastard.
You can call me a bastard. My parents have been living together unmarried for almost 40 years.

[abcdefz]

My parents stayed married, and I used to beg them to get divorced. Seriously. They didn't love each other, they didn't love us. My mom was a fucking shrike, which meant that my dad stayed out of the house pretty much as much as he decently could, and when he WAS there, it was just mom fighting at him all the time. Miserable house to grow up in -- he pretty much got the hell away whenever we could for as long as we could.

I don't advocate divorce if the couple is willing to work at whatever, but they wouldn't work at it -- refused to acknowledge there was a problem, even -- so I wish they would've cut each other loose.

[hpdrifter]

See that's what I mean. I don't just want a family, I want a happy family. Does such a thing exist anymore? Or did the angst-ridden late 90's make it impossible for anyone to be happy about their childhood?

It just seems to me these days that the happiest people are single people with no kids and that makes me sad.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I want this thing that may not exist anymore, if it ever existed to begin with. A happy marriage with a happy family. I'm not saying its all going to be roses but there has to be something more than what is detailed in this thread and what I seem to see around me every day.

Is there?

[abcdefz]

Yeah, it still happens. I've seen it here and there, and it stuns me when I do.

[Schmeltz]

This August my parents will celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They got married ten months before I was born, had three more kids, have never been away from each other for more than a month, never had any bad fights or issues, never even come close to separation, much less divorce.

So yes, it does still happen and it is still possible. My parents made a good home and raised a happy and well-adjusted family. If it wasn't for their crazy bullshit religion everything would have been positively idyllic, but I really don't have any grounds for complaint.

[TurdBerglar]

i always figured a-z cam from a good family

[QueenAdrock]

My parents got separated when I was 5 for a little bit, I'm not sure why. They got back together after a few months because they missed each other. I remember when I was younger they used to have screaming fights and I'd try to break them up. I remember one year was particularly bad, it was my dad's birthday and we were all supposed to go out for breakfast, but they got in a screaming fight and my dad said he didn't want to go out, so my mom took me and my brother to IHOP without him. It was a bitchy move, and it made me cry because I wanted him there.

I never knew what their fights were about, but their fighting now is just old-married-couple squabbling about how my dad leaves his dishes out or how my mom buys too much decorative shit. They've been married for almost 30 years now, but they had some rocky times when I was growing up. I remember how sad I was when my dad moved out for those few months, but I saw him some evenings and I don't think I fully understood what was going on. I remember the feeling of thinking they were going to get fully divorced at one point, and it really scared me. I'm glad they worked stuff out.

[abcdefz]

I think a bif part of the problem is that since the '60's, American society has culturally really encouraged selfishness in a huge way. "Discovering yourself" is one thing, but we've really taken that to the extreme of "looking out for number one" and "you've got to do what's best for yourself."

Selfishness and lack of true commitment are now so reflexive it's incredible. So introduce that element in even one "partner" in a marriage or in parenthood and you're fucked.

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, my mom and dad used to SCREAM at each other. Like scream their fool heads off. I should clarify that when they split for good (like 7 years after the divorce) I was glad.

[cj hood]

the key is not to repeat the same ish with your own kids........sounds simple enough.....but its rarely done!

[monkey]

you know, i realize my parents arent together right now but i dont believe that they werent the best two people for each other during the 25 years they were together. my parents NEVER fought loudly. they argued, civilly, in the privacy of their bedroom. we never knew about those arguments until they decided to tell us that they wanted to separate. they decided that they needed to pursue different paths for a while. they gave my brother and i EVERYTHING while we grew up. my father worked his ass off, often abroad, which meant that he wasnt around for months. and i know they hated that. my mom's only request in raising her children was that we would know that both of our parents loved us and wanted us. and i know i did. i could only hope to be a parent like my mine. and just because they're pursuing different things right now doesnt mean they might not just go back to pursue things together again. my mom always says that my father is her best friend. and my dad still looks at my mom and says "she's the most beautiful woman ive ever seen."

[Dorothy Wood]

I suppose I never really felt too bad about growing up without a father because I didn't know any different. when my parents were together, my dad was an abusive drug-addicted alcoholic. my mom and I left him when I was 6. I was glad to be rid of him, but all the change was really scary too. I went years and years without seeing him, then went for a visit when I was 21. Haven't really talked to him since. I can't remember why. Maybe I was just tired of talking to him or something. if he really wanted to see me or talk to me, he'd try harder. we're both stubborn I guess.

also, my friends' fathers all seemed like assholes to me, so I was glad I didn't have to deal with that. my mom was an excellent parent considering our circumstances. her second marriage was bad, that guy killed himself. he was like a father to me. but we found out he was molesting my best friend. so. you know. I have some trust issues.


meh, water under the bridge.

[QueenAdrock]

Yeah, there's a few people here with unmarried parents still. Ain't nothin' wrong with that in my book. My parents were married before I was born, however.