ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE NAZIS ADVENTURE

[Pres Zount]

ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE NAZIS ADVENTURE (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v74/Vincered/nazisintroxh5.jpg)

You are Herr Piece, a Second Lieutenant on the Third Reich from the Sun. You have a loving wife, car and dog, all of whom are racist like yourself.

Yet all is not as it should be on the Planet of the Nazis. Framed and incarcerated for the murder of the Nazi King, you have no choice but to escape your prison cell and try to reach your trusty spaceship, Tracey. But it won’t be easy!

But it won’t be easy – hordes of rampaging Nazis are out baying for your blood, and you’ll have to fight your way through every last one of them to clear your name – even if that means killing the Nazi King in the process!

/PRESS FIRE TO CONTINUE

[na§tee]

/drink your own urine.

[Pres Zount]

OR

/PRESS FIRE TO CONTINUE

[roosta]

haha..good stuff. Third Reich from the sun.....

[na§tee]

okay okay, fucks sake. PUSHY! :rolleyes:

/ PRESS FIRE!

[Pres Zount]

Darkness... then... not so much.

You awake in a swanky, well lit room. It is lavishly furnished with expensive pieces of furniture such as a chair, a desk and a bed. You are on the bed. Lying down, so it seems. You have a terrible headache, and don't really feel like getting up.

The events of the past few days slowly come back to you, and you feel like sitting up now. You remember your career coming to a crashing halt. Something about a trial, as well. You feel sick in your stomach.

You remember being found guilty of regicide. But there is no way that you could possibly have done it, is there? Your head hurts, and you remember the beatings. What is going on? Where am I? These are questions. Questions that you ask yourself, because there is nobody else in the room with you. You study your surroundings a bit more.

There is a wooden door to the North
There is a glass window to the South. With pretty curtains.
There is a large bookshelf, a chair and a desk to the East
There is a comfy bed with you on it to the West

You try to remember more recent events, but this just makes your ears ring in pain. Since this appears to be the begining of an incredible adventure, it is most likely that you have amnesia.

You decide to have a short rest, to gather your thoughts. The bed you are in is very comfy, and the room is warm and cosy. A few hours later, you awake to a quiet tapping sound on the door. Your head is still spinning with questions and pain, but don't worry about that now, let's just get out of here!

/

[na§tee]

<deletes sarky comment>

/answer the door.

[Pres Zount]

You crawl out of bed and slink over to the door. The door seems unlocked, but you press your ear to the door just in case. You can hear whispers "I hear footsteps..." and then the tapping continues.

You swing the door open. There are two Prison Guards hunched over the key hole, trying to look respectable.

"Oh, sorry, we didn't want to disturb you..." says the taller, more attractive one. "And we weren't sure if you were decent. Anyway, it's time to relocate to your cell now." You feel slightly shocked. "It's a little more grim than this one, I'm affraid." says the short, ugly one "Are you ready? Or do you need a bit more time?"


/

[na§tee]

no way do we want to leave our plush palace of splendour to go a fucking grim cell. we want to ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE NAZIS!

/say "i need more time". and shut the door.

[Pres Zount]

You say "I need more time!" and slam the door in the face of the surprised Prison Guards. You hear them behind the door quietly aknowledge the time you need. "We'll just wait here a little bit, shall we?"


There is a wooden door to the North, which you are standing in front of.
There is a glass window to the South. With pretty curtains.
There is a large bookshelf, a chair and a desk to the East.
There is a comfy bed to the West.

/

[na§tee]

/examine window and, indeed, pretty curtains! climb out of said window if it is do-able.

[Pres Zount]

You examine the window, and the pretty curtains. The curtains look like they were put there by someone who doesn't know how to match items in a room. Still, they are pretty. The window itself is up very high. At least a foot above your head.

I do not know who or what is do-able

/

[Freebasser]

/examine desk

[Pres Zount]

You mosey over to the desk. It's a large one. It seems solid enough, as well. On the desk is an open book 'Nineteen eighty four' by George Orwell. It is bookmarked on the bit where Winston is beefing Julia.

Also on the desk is a package of fine Italian chocolates, with a note attached "Good luck on Death Row! - all the lads at Stalag IXB" The chocolates don't look that fine, actually. They are in plain cardboard box, with bubble wrap on the inside.

Leaning against the desk is an old walking cane. It has a lovingly sculpted eagle's head as a crook, it is made out of heavy, and possibly expensive, wood.

/

[Freebasser]

/pick up walking cane

[Pres Zount]

You pick up the cane. It feels perfectely weighted in your hands. A bit hollow, too. You swing it a few times, making "swoosh" noises.

There is a wooden door to the North.
There is a glass window to the South. With pretty curtains.
There is a large bookshelf, a chair and a desk that you are standing near, to the East. On the desk is a copy of 'Nineteen Eighty Four' and a box of shit chocolate wrapped in bubble wrap.
There is a comfy bed to the West.

/

[Freebasser]

/pick up box of shit chocolate wrapped in bubble wrap

[Pres Zount]

You pick up the chocolates. You eat one, it's ok.

You now have:

Eagle walking cane
Box of shit Italian chocolate wrapped in bubble wrap.

/

[Freebasser]

/remove bubble wrap from box of shit chocolates

[Pres Zount]

You remove the bubble wrap from the package.

You now have:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 9 left.
Bubble wrap.

The bubble wrap is telling you to pop the bubbles. You do. OH! It feels good! Don't waste it though.

You can hear a slight tapping on the door again. The guards are nervously asking if you are ready yet.

/

[Freebasser]

/examine yourself

[Pres Zount]

You examine yourself. You are wearing a dirt grey prison uniform, with black vertical stripes, and a red triangle on your breast pocket.

You are also covered in bruises and cuts. You have no idea who did it. You don't remember all that much.

The guards continue their hessitant tapping. "Err, are you ok Herr Piece?" the Handsome one asks through the door.

/

[Freebasser]

/flirt with handsome guard

[Pres Zount]

You walk up to the door and open it a little way. "Oh, hello." you say "My, you look fetching in your uniform." Then you do a giggle and blink lots. "who me??" says the Ugly one. The handsome guard just smiles and wipes his brow.

The Ugly guard mutters "not again..." and storms off. You chat in the doorway with the Handsome guard. He tells you his name is Gunther, and his favorite film is 'Triumph of the Will'. You are about to suggest watching it together, when the Ugly guard storms back and sticks a pink triangle over your red one. He smacks the Handsome guard around the ear.

"Are you ready now?!" He shouts at you.

/

[Freebasser]

/ask for more time

[Pres Zount]

"Can I have a little bit more time, please?" You ask the guards. "Yes" says the Handsome one. "No" says the ugly one.

You close the door.

You can hear a nervous tapping sound from behind the door.

You have in your inventory:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 9 left.
Bubble wrap.
A Pink triangle patch

There is a wooden door to the North.
There is a glass window to the South. With pretty curtains. It is slightly too high.
There is a large well stocked bookshelf, a chair and a desk to the East. On the desk is a copy of 'Nineteen Eighty Four'.
There is a comfy bed to the West.

[Freebasser]

/push desk under window

[Kid Presentable]

Take '1984'.

[Pres Zount]

You push the desk under the window. It makes an awful sound as it scrapes across the floor. "Hey, are you pushing a desk in there?" Shouts the Ugly guard. "Don't do it! Please! Hey!.... hey..."

The desk is now positioned under the window.

You pick up 'Ninteen eighty Four' from the desk.

You have in your inventory:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 9 left.
Bubble wrap.
A Pink triangle patch
'Nineteen eighty Four' bookmarked on the sex scene.

/

[Freebasser]

/open window

[na§tee]

aren't we going to masturbate to the sex scenes in 1984 before we leave? you know, that would be a real kick in the teeth to the nazis. I VOTE WANKING.

[Kid Presentable]

Come into hand, wipe on curtain.

[The Notorious LOL]

Ctrl-Alt-Del

[Pres Zount]

You climb onto the desk, and attempt to open the window. It seems to be stuck though. It's one of those windows that don't open, actually.

You certainly feel like you could masterbate. I mean, your bruised and battered body could always do with a little more beating.

You manage to come into your hand. JUST as the guards open the door. "Okay, we are going now." says the Handsome guard. Your quick reflexes meant that everything was put back in and wiped on the curtains before anyone noticed anything.

You get down off the desk and are led towards the door by the guards

"It's just down these few hundred halls" says the Ugly guard.

You begin to walk down a few hundred halls to your new cell.

Does not understand Ctr-Alt-Del
/

[na§tee]

fuck. hey, i would gladly give up potential freedom from a planet of nazis for a stolen orgasm.

[Kid Presentable]

Talk to guards.

[Pres Zount]

"Ninetey nine more to go!" Smiles the Handsome guard.

/

[Pres Zount]

"So, what am I framed with again?" You ask, the guards. "oh, killing the king! Some other stuff as well but that was the main one" Says the Handsome guard.

/

[na§tee]

"a king?" you say. say according to the beer hall putsch hitler strongly opposed the restoration of the bavarian monarchy. after all, he is a fucking dictator.

[Freebasser]

/give bubblewrap to guards

[Pres Zount]

You say according to the beer hall putsch hitler strongly opposed the restoration of the bavarian monarchy. after all, he is a fucking dictator." You feel quite pleased with yourself.

"Yeah.... but Hitler has been dead for ages, and, like it's 1983. DUH. There is kings and stuff." says the Ugly guard.

"Ninetey Eight Halls to go!" Says the Handsome guard.

/

[Pres Zount]

You give the bubblewrap to the guards.

Both guards stop walking, sit on the floor and begin to pop the glorious bubbles of air. The Ugly one is gibbering, the Handsome one is crying with joy.



You are in one of many interconnecting halls. They all have the same concrete floors and bunker like walls. Boring. There are one or two wooden doors dotted down the halls.

To the FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR Nroth is your brand new Prison cell.
To the South is your old room.
To your East is a short, ugly, gibbering prison guard.
To your West is a tall, handsome and crying prison guard.

/

[Freebasser]

/take off clothes

[Pres Zount]

You take off your prison garb, revealling the pasty tortured flesh underneath. But really you are a muscular hunk of a man, so no sweat, right?

You flex your biceps in front of the Handsome guard. He wouldn't have batted an eyelid, if his eyes weren't already rolled back into his skull. He is too busy with the bubblewrap to notice your masculinity. A solitary tear winds its way down your face.


You are wearing shorts.

/

[na§tee]

/examine brand new prison cell. DO NOT ENTER IT, though. the prisoner guards will probably lock you in. examine from the threshold.

[Pres Zount]

You go FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR North to the new prison cell. It takes you a good ten minutes of running. The door is locked. You go FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR South. You are sweaty, now.

To the FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR North is your brand new Prison cell. Locked.
To the South is your old room.
To your East is a short, ugly, gibbering prison guard.
To your West is a tall, handsome and crying prison guard.

ENDLESS CORRIDORS (http://img380.imageshack.us/img380/1957/nazicorridorcopyly7.jpg)

[na§tee]

ho-lee shit that is fucking awesome. holy shit. freeb, come and live with me and be my personal illustrator. i'll feed you bacon sandwiches 24/7. you can remain unshowered all the time. everyone's a winner, really.

/hint :(

[Freebasser]

You do know that the hero is Jason Statham, don't you?

/head for new prison room

[Pres Zount]

You go FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR North to the new prison cell. It takes you a good ten minutes of running. The door is locked. You go FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR South. You are sweaty, now.

HINT -50 points: Anytime is escape time when you are dressed as a prison guard!

[Freebasser]

/flirt with handsome prison guard

[Pres Zount]

You attempt to flirt some more with the Handsome prison guard, but he is totally off his face on bubblewrap. It looks pretty serious.

You have in your inventory:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 8 left.
A Pink triangle patch.
'Nineteen eighty Four'.

Oh yeah, you got bored and ate a chocolate.


/

[na§tee]

/undress handsome prison guard and get changed into his clothes!

[Freebasser]

/dance

[na§tee]

/dance like freeb's avatar.

sidenote: yes i know it is jason statham. thanks for including that supreme beefhead example of beefing for all womankind! he truly is teh gross. loves it.

[Pres Zount]

You attempt to undress the Handsome guard to get into his clothes, but he is too busy popping bubblewrap to allow you to. You get frustrated and angry! Grrrr!

You dance.


You don't feel frustrated anymore.

/

[na§tee]

/give some chocolate to the guards.

[Freebasser]

/talk to ugly guard

[Pres Zount]

You attempt to give the Guards some chocolates. They don't take your offers. You throw some at them in frustration, then pick them up and put them back in the box remembering that they are the orange ones that nobody likes.

"Hello, hello?" you say to the Ugly guard. He doesn't answer.

/

[Freebasser]

/examine copy of 1984

[Pres Zount]

You examine your copy of 1984. It's the same copy you should have already read in school. The bookmark fell out in your Old Cell while you were engaged with other activities. The pages where Winston goes all the way with Goldstein are dog eared enough for you to instantaneously find them, though.

/

[Freebasser]

/Go back to old cell and pick up bookmark

[Pres Zount]

You go back into your Old cell.

There is a wooden door to the North.
There is a glass window to the South. With pretty curtains. In front of it is a desk. On the desk is a bookmark.
There is a large well stocked bookshelf and a chair to the East.
There is a comfy bed to the West.

You pick up the bookmark, and add it to '1984'

[Freebasser]

/examine bookcase

[Pres Zount]

You examine the bookcase. It is very large, it goes right up to the roof. Thick wooden shelves hold a vast array of books. Most of which look too wanky for you to be bothered with any more than a cursory glance at them.

You do notice 'Crime and Punishment' by Dostoyevsky, and 'Secret Nazi Prison Codes of the 1970s plus Decoder Ring' by Wolfgang Herzog.

/

[Freebasser]

/examine code book

[Pres Zount]

You take the code book off the shelf. It is out of date, and looks like it was written with imbeciles in mind, but you hold onto it anyway. The decoder ring is broken, but slips nicely onto your finger.

You have in your inventory:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 8 left.
A Pink triangle patch.
'Nineteen eighty Four' with a bookmark.
'Secret Nazi Prison Codes of the 1970s'
Decoder Ring

/

[Freebasser]

/examine bed

[Pres Zount]

You examine the bed. It is comfy. You know this because you had a big sleep not to long ago. It looks slept in for this very reason.

/

[Freebasser]

/lift bed

[Pres Zount]

It's a big bed, you can't lift it. You are WEAK.


There is a wooden door to the North.
There is a glass window to the South. With pretty curtains. In front of it is a desk.
There is a large well stocked bookshelf and a chair to the East.
There is a comfy bed to the West.

/

[Freebasser]

/use bookmark with curtains

[Pres Zount]

You use the bookmark on the cuirtains. It doesn't do anything. Was it supposed to? On the Planet of the Nazis, bookmarks do not intereact with curtains.

/

[Freebasser]

/lick curtain

[Pres Zount]

You climb onto the desk and lick the curtain. It is dusty. You eat lots of dust before you stop licking the curtain.

/

[Freebasser]

/use dust with chocolates

[Pres Zount]

You scrape some of the dust off of your gums, and rub it onto the chocolates. The orange ones that nobody likes.

/

[Lex Diamonds]

/break desk into pieces of wood and make fire

[Pres Zount]

You think about breaking the desk into pieces of wood to make a fire, but after carefully reasoning for several minutes, you decide against it. First of all, you deduce the desk is currently fulfilling the important task of making the glass window accessible, and destroying it would render the window unreachable. Seondly, the desk looks as if it is made out of some kind of oak, or other hardwood, meaning the desk is extremely strong, and most likely immune to any sort of attack you could muster against it without adequate toolage. Thirdly, you haven't got any matches or nothing to make a fire anyway, so what's the point?

/

[Lex Diamonds]

/scrape dust off the curtain onto the chocolates until they have a deadly quotient of dust on them

/go to guards

/force-feed Ugly Guard chocolate

[roosta]

I want to play escape from the planet of the adventure nazis

[Pres Zount]

You climb back onto the desk, and start scraping the dust off the curtains, and onto the chocolates. You use your fingernails for this task. After about twenty minutes of inefficient chafing, you realise that there is not enough dust in the entire room, let alone just on the pretty curtains, to create a the lethal chocolates you so desire.

You exit the room, and go to the two guards in the hallway

You grab the Ugly guard's jaw and prise open his mouth, stuffing in a few chocolates (the orange ones that nobody wants - covered in dust and gum residue) and force him to chew and swallow them.

You have in your inventory:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 6 left.
A Pink triangle patch.
'Nineteen eighty Four' with a bookmark.
'Secret Nazi Prison Codes of the 1970s'
Decoder Ring

If you would like to play escape from the planet of the adventure nazis, please send four pounds and ten pence to the above address to purchase the full version.


/

[na§tee]

GIVE ME A FUCKING BAKED FUCKING HINT!

[Pres Zount]

HINT: Anytime is escape time when you are dressed as a prison guard!

/

[na§tee]

/make guards read the hot sex scenes in 1984, touching themselves.

EDIT: i tried putting on their fucking clothes! geez!

/GET DRESSED AS A PRISON GUARD.

[Pres Zount]

The guards are too busy with the bubble wrap to be able to read the sex scene from '1984'. You read it to them, they take no notice, but you now have a raging boner.

In your inventory:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 6 left.
A Pink triangle patch.
'Nineteen eighty Four' with a bookmark.
'Secret Nazi Prison Codes of the 1970s'
Decoder Ring
Raging boner

You try to get dressed as a prison guard but you have no prison uniform to wear.

/

[Kid Presentable]

Attack guards with cane/

[Lex Diamonds]

/knock out guards with cane/raging boner

[na§tee]

/use eagle walking cane on guards.

[Pres Zount]

You slowly raise the walking stick above your head, taking care to keep centred directly above the Ugly guards face. You let out a slight giggle, before feeling extremely guilty. The stick starts to waiver in your hands "Hit him!" you think to yourself "Quickly, do it now!" The guard's eyes meet with yours, and he smiles kindly. You swing the walking stick downwards, connecting directly with his face, it makes a sickening crunch. Meat paté is sprayed all over you and the wall, as the guard's head collapses into a gaping maw of dark red cruor.

The body slumps to the ground, and more blood erupts from the wound, showering the Handsome guard in his comrade's hemoglobin. He is too busy with the bubble wrap, however, to notice.

Thakfully the Ugly guard's unifrom is left blood free.

You attack the Handsome guard with your raging boner. He stops popping the bubble wrap for a few seconds. You decide keeping him distracted is a better plan than getting caught.

You have lost your Raging Boner

/

[Kid Presentable]

Is that both guards done? Is this like Police Quest? Do we need to follow procedure?

[na§tee]

/put on blood free nazi uniform.

[Pres Zount]

You reason that escaping is procedure enough given the circumstances

You put on the blood free prison uniform. It looked like it was too small for you, but the flow of the story means it fits perfectly. You are now wearing a light grey prison uniform. You put the Handsome guard's helmet on your head, because the other one is filled with brains.

/

[Kid Presentable]

I thought we only knocked one guard out. Search the other one then, looking for a keycard, but taking whatever you find. It'll be condoms, won't it? Adventure game designers love condoms.

[Pres Zount]

The other guard is not knocked out, he is just too busy with bubble wrap.

[Kid Presentable]

The other guard is not knocked out, he is just too busy with bubble wrap.
Suggest to other guard we get a move on to the area with the security protocol that dictates we don't knock both guards out. Like you need two guards to turn the keys innit? Otherwise, we'd have paffed his bitch ass out by now.

[Pres Zount]

You suggest to the Handsome guard that you get a move on, but he is too busy with the bubble wrap. You think about taking it away, but you decide keeping him distracted is a better plan than getting caught.

/

[Kid Presentable]

So there's no security protocol in place that will bite us in the arse later on......Climb on desk, use cane to smash window. Oh, and search the pockets of your new suit too.

[zorra_chiflada]

/escape

[Kid Presentable]

Am I playing it wrong?

[Pres Zount]

You return to your Old cell. You climb on the desk.

You use your cane on the glass window. It shatters. No alarms go off.

You peer out the window. It is dark outside, and you seem very high up. Your eyes are unacustomed to the night, however, and you can't see very far. A searcdhlight in the distance is all you can make out

You check the pockets of the Prison Uniform. There is fluff in the pockets.

/

[zorra_chiflada]

/jump out window

[Pres Zount]

AUTOSAVE

Game is saved as Gamesav01

You jump out the window, and fall, fall oh how you fall through the cool night sky, before splattering on the equally cool, hard, hard concrete ground.

YOU ARE DEAD.

Would you like to load?

Y / N

[Kid Presentable]

load

Nice one, zorra. :rolleyes:

[Pres Zount]

Loading Gamesav01

You are standing on a desk in a well lit room.


In your inventory:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 6 left.
A Pink triangle patch.
'Nineteen eighty Four' with a bookmark.
'Secret Nazi Prison Codes of the 1970s'
Decoder Ring

There is a wooden door to the North.
There is a glass window to the South. With pretty curtains. In front of it is a desk. On the desk is you.
There is a large well stocked bookshelf and a chair to the East.
There is a comfy bed to the West.

/

[Kid Presentable]

take curtains

exit cell through door

attack second guard with cane

[Pres Zount]

You would take the curtains, but your inventory is full. You may have to drop something useless.

You exit throught the cell door.

You go to attack the Handsome guard with the cane, but he is too pretty to die.

/

[zorra_chiflada]

I'M BAD AT THIS GAME JOE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE

[Kid Presentable]

I don't want to play anymore.

*loads Space Quest 2*

[jackrock]

/drop shit italian chocolate
/pick up curtain
/use the curtain to lapel down the outside wall
/regain raging boner

[Pres Zount]

You drop the shit italian chocolate. You enter the Old Cell, climb on the desk and pick up the pretty curtains.

You tie the curtains together and to the desk, and use them to rappel out the window. Unfortunatley, you only get about fourty centimeters down the side of the wall. You need more rappel material.

You climb back in the window, and fail to reagain raging boner.

/

[Freebasser]

/SAVE

/pick up shit italian chocolates
/take off clothes
/use clothes with curtains
/rappel out of window

[Pres Zount]

Game saved as Gamesav02

You would pick up the shit Italian chocolates, but you have no room in your inventory.

You take of your prison uniform. You are wearing shorts. You tie the prison uniform to the curtains and add 185 more centimeters to your hypothetical climbing distance.

You reppel out the window. The searchlight in the distance immediatley shines on your un-uniformed self, and you are blasted into pieces by a machine gun before the alarm even has time to become annoying.

YOU ARE DEAD

Load game?

Y / N

[Freebasser]

/Y

/Drop decoder ring
/Pick up shit Italian chocolates
/use curtains with bed sheets
/rappel out of window

[Pres Zount]

Load Gamesav02

You are standing on a desk in a well lit room. You are wearing a Prison Guard Uniform.

In your inventory is:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 6 left.
A Pink triangle patch.
'Nineteen eighty Four' with a bookmark.
'Secret Nazi Prison Codes of the 1970s'
Decoder Ring

There is a wooden door to the North.
There is a broken glass window to the South. In front of it is a desk. On the desk is you and a box of Shit Italian Chocolate.
There is a large well stocked bookshelf and a chair to the East.
There is a comfy bed to the West.

You drop the decoder ring. You pick up the shit Italian chocolate.

You walk to the bed and pick up the sheets. They ... smell. How long where you sleeping? Somebody must have been using them before you because they are stained with what looks like alcohol and... other things. You tie them to the curtains, adding twenty hypothetical metres to your rappel abilities.

You Rappel out the window, and down to the ground. You are still not accustomed to the dark, so you can only hear the cooing of hundreds of birds around you. You seem to be in a jungle or forest somewhere.

There is a bed sheet ladder to the North
Far in the distance is a searchlight in a tower to the South
To the East is darkness
To the West is a "coo... cooo" cound.

/


To continue playing please purchase the full version! Or wait for me to get back.

[Kid Presentable]

Imitate bird sounds

[Lex Diamonds]

/walk towards searchlight, pretend to be prison guard

[paul jones]

/walk towards searchlight, pretend to be prison guard
Phil Mitchell from Eastenders crashes through a door and says 'Wossgoinon?' then punches you to the floor

[Lex Diamonds]

/embarass him into running away with jibes about his various dogging scandals

[na§tee]

you know what i think this thread needs?

i think it needs a graphic representation of said dark forest full of coo-coos.

[paul jones]

I just ate a yoghurt

[Bob]

/escape from the planet of the nazis

[paul jones]

might go and make myself some vegimite on toast actually

[Lex Diamonds]

Bovril is so much better than Marmite/Vegimite. (y)

[Pres Zount]

You imitate the bird cooing sounds. Poorly. "Coo... Coooo!" you say. It's rubbish, and it doesn't do anything other than alert you to the fact that you are unnable to imitate the birds. Upon hearing sound, the once invisible beasts scream and hiss at you as they slam their small bodies against a large wire fence that is between themselves and their prey. In fact, it seems that there are two parallel fences, with about a metre of grass between the two. On one side is a dark forest with insane bird things, on the other is you and the prison compound you just escaped from.

Your eyes follow the fence up, it is very high. at least ten metres of strong mesh, with barbed wire at the top. Your eyes continue up and you end up staring intently towards the night sky. Looming above you like a giant, spinning swastika, is the fourth Von Braun Space Station. It is rotating in orbit hundreds and hundreds of miles above the planet, but is still large enough to be clearly seen even on a starry night such as tonight. You remembering watching the first three explode on 'Worlds Greatest Explosions Caught on Camera'.

If one were to look at it long enough, numerous raumfahrer space men could be seen re-entering the planet's atmosphere every few hours. A powerfull enough telescope would even allow anyone so inclined to make out the death gurns of each and every one as their distorted bodies burnt up in the substratosphere, their boyhood dreams of space glory disintegrating faster than the flesh from their bones.

You walk towards the searchlight pretending to be a prison guard. You soon realise that the only pretending you are doing is to yourself, and the uniform can take care of the rest by itself. Before you reach the Search tower you are stopped by a large wire fence. It seems to be that you are in a small fenced in area. Maning a gate on the fence in front ot the search tower is a man.

SUDDENLY Phil Mitchell from Eastenders crashes through a door and says 'Wossgoinon?' then punches you to the floor, you embarass him into running away with jibes about his various dogging scandals then SUDDENLY you wake up, realising it was all a dream. SUDDENLY you wake up again and realise you are in a fenced off prison compound, and Phil Mitchell from Eastenders never did anyhting apart from be a scoundrel.

To the North is A sheet ladder leading up to a prison cell
To the South is a fence and a gate manned by a man. Behind the fence is a search tower.
To the East is a fence. Behind the fence is a flock of crazed birds.
To the West is a fence. behind it is darkness, behind the darkness is another flock of crazed birds.

You eat all your yoghurt and now have none left. GAME NOT OVER.

/

[Freebasser]

/go south
/talk to man

[Lex Diamonds]

/inventory

[Pres Zount]

You go south. A fence blocks your path.

In your inventory is:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 6 left.
A Pink triangle patch.
'Nineteen eighty Four' with a bookmark.
'Secret Nazi Prison Codes of the 1970s'


You talk to the man. He seems to be a prison guard as well. Perhaps he will recognise you, seing as though you are a fellow prison guard? He has a MP-77 Swordenwaffenschweres automatic swor gun slung over his shoulder. He looks utterley bored.

"What?" the gate man says, before taking a long drag on a soggy cigarette.

You reply:

"Don't you know cigarette's kill?"
"Don't you know fence's kill?"
"Don't you know I will kill you?"
"Hey dude can I get passed?"

or something equally hilarious.

/

[Freebasser]

/say "Don't you know that fences kill?"

[Pres Zount]

"Don't you know that fence's kill?" you say to the gate man. "Yeah, but, wait, huh? Oh, I guess they are better than the birds of death behind them." He replies. "I mean, even after they genetically enhanced them so that they can't fly too high, they still scare the shit out of me. Right? RIGHT?"

You reply:

"Right."
"Don't you know cigarette's kill?"
"Don't you know I will kill you?"
"Hey dude can I get passed?"

or something equally hilarious.


/

[Kid Presentable]

"I'm Roger Wilco. I am on my way to Andromeda"

[Lex Diamonds]

/say "Hey dude can I get past?"

[Freebasser]

/reply to The Padster

[Pres Zount]

You reply to the padster.

You say to the guard on the gate "I'm Roger Wilco. I am on my way to Andromeda". He looks at you, takes a drag, and says "Yeah, great."

You say to the guard on the gate "Hey dude can I get past?" He looks at you, takes a drag, and says "There is nothing past here except for the gallahs, and they haven't been fed yet, so they will probably tear you to shreds if I let you past." He jostles his swordgun. "And I can't let you past anyway. That's the Von Braun Space Control Bunker under that searchlight. Top secret. You need one of these." He shows you the pink patch he has with 'GALLAH SQUAD' written on it.

The gate man goes back to looking extremely bored.

/

[Lex Diamonds]

/kill

[Pres Zount]

After about 30 seconds spent thinking about the gate guard's family and friends, you decide to kill him.

Will you:

/ Beat him to death with your bare hands.
/ Stub his cigarette in his eye until he dies, while screaming "Don't you know cigarettes can KILL?!"
/ Throw him over the fence.
/ Change your mind. About killing another person, I mean. When will it end?

[Teh]

/cigarette burn the fucker!!

[Pres Zount]

You casually walk up to the guard. He takes a drag of his cigarette, and you swiftly grab it from betwixt his lips! Good for you!

"Hey! What the fuck?" says the guard "Don't you know cigarettes can KILL?!" you scream, before leaping at the guard and stubbing the cancer stick into his eye! "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" shouts the guard, who happens to be called Hansel Mueller, has a wife and two lovely daughters and plays darts with his brother (who has cancer) on Thursday, by the way. He then adds "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHGRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHGRHRGAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGRHEGHEGAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHRJAEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIII AH AH AH WAT THE FUCK AAAAAHA AHA AH A AAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAIIIIIIIIIIII ARRGGGA STOP PLEASE! Please oh oh oh AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiii ... MIEN LIEBEN!" and then he dies from too much pain in his eye.

You drop the cigarette. You managed to put it out.

The Guard's body slumps agains the fence. The sound attracts more crazed pink birds, who feverishly claw form their side of the fence to get at the body.

You don't feel too bad. In fact, you feel you could possibly kill again.

AUTOSAVE. Game saved as Gamesav03


/

[na§tee]

and then he dies from too much pain in his eye.
thanks for my morning stifled LOL at my desk (y)

[Teh]

/light up in ironic moment of reflection

[Pres Zount]

You pick up the butt and take a wheeze. You cannot light it because you have no lighter.

"Is this ironic," you think to yourself "or iconic." ha ha. Before feeling too proud of yourself, you realise that you are not actually sure if it is ironic, iconic or anything really. And you aren't even smoking it, it's not lit for heaven sake.

In your inventory:

Eagle walking cane.
Box of shit Italian chocolate. 6 left.
A Pink triangle patch.
'Nineteen eighty Four' with a bookmark.
'Secret Nazi Prison Codes of the 1970s'

To the North is A sheet ladder leading up to a prison cell
To the South is a fence and a gate manned by a dead father and husband. Behind the fence is a search tower.
To the East is a fence. Behind the fence is a flock of crazed birds.
To the West is a fence. Behind it is darkness, behind the darkness is another flock of crazed birds.

/

[Teh]

ex corpse

s

[Pres Zount]

You examine the corpse. It is the body of a well liked and respected member of the community, no doubt his wife will never forgive herself for letting him follow his dream of becoming the Guard of a gate to the Von Braun Space Control Bunker, as part of the elite 'GALLAH SQUAD'. He is wearing the same uniform as you are currently comandeering, except for the pink patch he has.

You recall that the Gallah Squad was a highly trained wing (lol) of the waffen ss, created to handle the dangerous GM-Gallahs created to defend highly secret space station control rooms. The Gallahs themselves will tear apart all invaders, except for members of the Gallah Squad, whom they have been trained to recognise.

in the Guard's pockets is a Key. You also take the Guard's Swordgun and three different sizes of sword ammunition.

/

[Lex Diamonds]

/take pink patch, go to secret bunker, breathe life into stale thread.

[Lex Diamonds]

/BREATHE LIFE INTO STALE THREAD DAMMIT.

[Lo_Lyfe]

You breathe life into the stale thread. Indeed, by calling it 'stale' and breathing, you have overestimated your powers. You get the shit death where the cops beat you up for having forgotten to remove the rubber after sexing the whore and leaving the club.

[Lex Diamonds]

Aw man, what a let-down.