Ladies: Need help/advice thanks

[skra75]

Okay, so my girlfriend is acting kind of flaky lately and is talking about long-term plans and stuff, where she wants to be, how she wants to buy a house someday, where she wants to be in her job and such.

At first I thought I was gonna get dumped but, she's a heart-on-her-sleeve kind of person and I can tell that when she says she cares about me it is the truth.

I'm putting together the pieces and I think she's gonna ask me about where our relationship is going, ie, are we gonna get engaged or not.

Honestly, I love the girl and would not mind at all being married to her.

However, I just got up of a bad breakup as you all know and I still don't feel altogether good about committing to anything right now. I'm committed to her, well, just because that's what a boyfriend does, he doesn't cheat.

To me, committment doesn't need to mean marriage. At least not right now. Not to mention, if I was to give her a ring, I'd rather do it right, buy a nice, expensive cruelty-free rock that I spent time hunting for and give it to her in a place she'd remember her whole life.

A real man does these things, he doesn't talk about how he's gonna do them. he just does them. And I'm not ready to do it, so I'd rather not talk about it, or plan for anything right now.

This being said, I know the female psyche iswired completely differently than a guys and that Marriage is something hard-wired into alot of little girls heads from a young young age.

Is there anything I can say to tactfully dodge this issue right now, without coming off as a calloused jackass?

This is all under the assumption that she will be "popping the question" on me. Which she may not. All signs seem to point to that she will.

: / x 1000

[beastieangel01]

Honestly, I love the girl and would not mind at all being married to her.

However, I just got up of a bad breakup as you all know and I still don't feel altogether good about committing to anything right now. I'm committed to her, well, just because that's what a boyfriend does, he doesn't cheat.

To me, committment doesn't need to mean marriage. At least not right now. Not to mention, if I was to give her a ring, I'd rather do it right, buy a nice, expensive cruelty-free rock that I spent time hunting for and give it to her in a place she'd remember her whole life.

A real man does these things, he doesn't talk about how he's gonna do them. he just does them. And I'm not ready to do it, so I'd rather not talk about it, or plan for anything right now.

That's exactly what you should say.

[cookiepuss]

maybe all she's going to want to know is if you're in this for the long haul...and marriage right this minute might not be her primary concern.

uhhhh...and if you told her what you just told us...that should be fine.

[abcdefz]

I don't know how "(I) would not mind at all being married to (you)" would go over. :p

[skra75]

I don't know how "(I) would not mind at all being married to (you)" would go over. :p

my point exactly.
this feels like a damned if I am damned if I don't situation.
If I let on I would liek to be married to her, isn't that a lame half-wet committment?
I'd rather just be like 'will you marry me' and give her the ring, but I am not at a place right now to do that.

Maybe it's all in the wording. Fuck I don't know.

: /

Thanks girls for the reassuring words though I appreciate it.

[abcdefz]

Maybe you just wait and see what happens. Maybe the talk isn't even going to be about that.

If it is, maybe you could say -- if you could honestly say this -- that you love her and you think you want to marry her, too, but not unless you're 100% positive. Ask if if she can wait for that commitment, and set a date. Tell her you respect her life choices and everything, and ask how long she can give you. Six months? A year? Decide what seems fair, because that's potentially time "wasted" if you both don't wind up together. Ask her what the deadline is when she decides to cut bait and go fish someplace else, and then respect that. And hopefully you'll both know for sure one way or another before that day.

[skra75]

this seems right, setting a date I mean.
Or does that take the fun out of it?
Ladies, what do you think (thus full circle to my original question).

My gut tells me less is more, (Mies Van Der Rohe lol) and I should just be honest and tell her a version of what I said here, minus the whole wishy washy I love you but I would marry you if I was ready...stuff which seems like a half cooked committment.

[SB00774]

less is more...and don't set a date for anything, even a situation review...that's like a gun to your head.

Just tell her you are not ready for that kind of conversation right now. You are enjoying things as they are, and will let her know when and if you are ready to take it further. She is more than welcome to accept that for what it is, wait, or decide she want's a Mr. Right now and move on...


how long have you been together anyway?

[skra75]

Just tell her you are not ready for that kind of conversation right now. You are enjoying things as they are, and will let her know when and if you are ready to take it further. She is more than welcome to accept that for what it is, wait, or decide she want's a Mr. Right now and move on...

perfect advice thanks man.
we've been together for going on 7 months now, dating for about 8 (wow...).
I don't feel like getting engaged until I'm at least past the 1 1/2 mark. or 2 years even.

[hpdrifter]

less is more...and don't set a date for anything, even a situation review...that's like a gun to your head.

Just tell her you are not ready for that kind of conversation right now. You are enjoying things as they are, and will let her know when and if you are ready to take it further. She is more than welcome to accept that for what it is, wait, or decide she want's a Mr. Right now and move on...


how long have you been together anyway?


I'd say the same thing this guy said. But be fair to her and realize that she deserves her own marriage and kids some day if that's what she wants. So if you think its gonna be years or may never happen, don't imply that it will. Just be honest and do right by her. She may not be happy about it now, but she'll appreciate it in the long run.

Edit: That said, I think 7 months is a little early in the game. Not super early but kinda.

[b i o n i c]

That's exactly what you should say.

what she said. dont wait for anything to happen, you already know the deal and how you feel so just say so and accept whatever happens

[funk63]

i wish girls thought like guys except they still liked cock.

[SB00774]

i wish girls thought like guys except they still liked cock.


Well I wish more of them did anyway...then maybe I wouldn't get man & guy ;)

[Funky Pepp]

You know that moving in together is a more grave change in your life that marrying or at least equal, cause you can't split up as easy as before. (I can tell, I am married since 11 years - and happy I should say :)). And buying a house together is even more binding. I suggest, that you should first move in together (if you don't) and see if it works, before marrying though. If it's okay, then marrying her will not be such a big deal...

And besides I totally agree with beastieangel01!

[skra75]

Thanks all.
It went very smoothly last night.
thanks for the advice.
I tactfully dodged, stuck to my virtues as I'm not the kind of guy who says he's gonna do something and has nothing to show for it.

hugs 4 all.

[Dorothy Wood]

did she bring up marriage?

sometimes girls just need to be reassured that you're in it to win it, even if you don't have a definite answer about the future. last week I asked my dude what we were doing and he was like, "is it okay if I don't know?" and I was like, "I guess, I just don't want you to hurt my feelings again" and he was like, "I can't promise that I'll never hurt you again" and I was like, "I know I know, damn it, shit happens, I know that, nevermind". and I felt really dumb for bringing it up, but I was pretty upset and all and blowing things out of proportion. I left the room and went to get some water and smoke. I considered just ending us right there.

but then I went back and he cuddled me close and said "I think you totally rule, okay?" and I said "good". :o

thinking back on the whole thing, it really wasn't that big of a deal and it's kind of lame of me to expect a definition of us when it hasn't been that long.

your lady probably just needed to feel like you two were going somewhere, even if that somewhere couldn't totally be defined.

[Loppfessor]

Just tell her that you're 95% sure that you can't do any better than her but you'd still like to hold out just a little longer, and that patience is a virture. Women love romantic shit like that