close encounters of the arachnid kind

[na§tee]

this morning at work i was wearing a green dress. an innocent, inconspicuous green dress. and i see this.. this thing, this.. shadow.. moving riiiiight between my breasts and then popping its MASSIVE FURRY SPIDER HEAD OUT AND CRAWLING UP UP UP MY CHEST AND I FREEZE IN HORROR AND DO THAT WHOLE INHALING WHILE REPEATING OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD thing then flap firmly at my chest trying to get the damn thing off while my boss is like whuh? the fuck? and i'm shaking like a pussy in the corner.

you see, i ironed the dress in the morning so if it was inside waiting for me to pounce and eat my face, it's a pretty iron-proof hardy spider. so it must have been on my jacket, or, worst still, in my office and crawled up my legs as i was sat there. i just wonder why i didn't feel its monstrosity crawling up my naked torso until it came to my tits (not on my tits, LOL!). yeah, i've already had the whole "lucky spider" and "wow, you must not have had some action for a long time, claire" jokes.

it was at least the size of, uh, a 50 pence piece. that is big enough in my world. spiders are something i am pretty girly with. i have no shame. i'm like, fuck karma, i don't want to give it a hug, CRUSH IT CRUSH IT CRRUUUUSSSHHHHHHH IT! but my boss tenderly picked it up with a ruler and placed it outside so it could scare the shit out of someone else. i haven't had a spider on my bodily person for a loooong time, not least my BREASTS, so i was not a happy bunny at all.

pray tell me your spider stories here so i can go GGAAAAAAHHHH! at you and have some nightmares.

[Drederick Tatum]

I'm slightly confused, could you explain the bit about the breasts again...

[Deep_Sea_Rain]

I feel obligated to post here seeing as I keep these mofo's as pets.

[Knuckles]

I don't mind the big ones. I'm just paranoid about walking into a web and getting a million little baby spiders stuck all over my face.

I'd never get them all out of my beard.

[na§tee]

haha i forgot that you were a fan, spencer, much sorryness. i.. i'm sure they're interesting as pets. um, i dunno. i am sorta of the camp that pets should be something you can give a cuddle to and they fall asleep in your lap and awwwh oh baby awwwhhzz.. ahem. not feed freeze dried dead things to, ya know? i'm really interested though, what first made them appealing thing to keep to you? pray tell.

brrr: spider belly (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Spider_belly.jpg).

dred, breasts contain the mammary glands, which secrete milk to feet infant human type people. i do not have an infant type person to feed, so they just sit here looking pretty radiating TOUCH ME TOUCH ME TOUCH ME OH OKAY BE LIKE THAT THEN :MAD: most days.

[Otis Driftwood]

I gently pick up spiders and put'em in my yard if my flatmate screams 'cause of them. Which is funny since we have 3 small buggers with big webs behind the crapper now. When I'm alone though, I don't really wanna hassle them. I actually like their webbing of skeeters, which I really hate with a passion. Viva las arachnidas!









... I'm afraid of slugs, though.

[Freebasser]

I'm just paranoid about walking into a web and getting a million little baby spiders stuck all over my face.

*has happened to me* :(

[TurdBerglar]

did you know that milk is modified sweat?

[TAL]

Is there any video of this?

[na§tee]

did you know that milk is modified sweat?
so we are all eating cow sweat with our cornflakes in the morning?

about the wee baby spiders, yeah. my boss was telling me it was a bad idea to hoover (vacuum?) spiders up (IF YOU WERE SO INCLINED OF COURSE I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING) because a pregnant one will just give birth inside the bloody hoover and cause much shitness. she said she stepped on a pregnant one once, and loads of wickle babies came spurting forth. gaaaahhh!

[Otis Driftwood]

That's bs. Only roaches can do that. And most hoovers nowadays have a one-way suckage system...

[TurdBerglar]

so we are all eating cow sweat with our cornflakes in the morning?

yup. if you have ever been lucky enough to smell the inside of a mild delivery van it smells like a million musky crotches.

[na§tee]

That's bs. Only roaches can do that. And most hoovers nowadays have a one-way suckage system...
aye but that doesn't stop the feckers from still languishing in your hoover being all spidery and GAAAHHH. and i could imagine they could crawl up.
i'm pretty sure spiders have lots of bebbes like that. deep sea rain, CONFIRM OR DENY?

[cookiepuss]

lol. this reminds me a little of the time I set my hairr in big rollers (when i had hair long enough to do so...and went to sleep for the night. in the morning I'm unrolling my hair and BLAMO, a HUGE ugly Spider falls out my damn hair. I freaked and ran around mussing up my hair tying be sure he didn't have a friend in there. that was a rather unpleasent way to start the day.(n)

[fucktopgirl]

spider ...are so...fun!! When you see one near you, you want to dance with it and pet it.


We were in the country, at my parent shack, one night we drank and eat some potcake. All went fine , until it was time to go sleep. my sister mattress and mine were making a L, and at the place where we lay down our head, was a spider chilling out. She was hanging over on a bag. We stay there, useless for like 30 minutes for sure because we where just shitting in our pants. She was the kind of spider that don't look friendly with some black hair on the abdomen. Finally, we had to do something, i gather my courage and smashed the spider with a book, after that, no sight of the spider. So then we did go to sleep, still stoned and a bit relieved, not fully because the spider could be anywhere....

That kind of spider, i never saw before in québec, because the temperature is changing and warming up, different insects-spiders are appearing which can be quite a bit scary.

[Deep_Sea_Rain]

aye but that doesn't stop the feckers from still languishing in your hoover being all spidery and GAAAHHH. and i could imagine they could crawl up.
i'm pretty sure spiders have lots of bebbes like that. deep sea rain, CONFIRM OR DENY?

Spiders do in fact have loads of babies...a species I used to keep (the second largest in the world at 11", Laisodora parahybana) could have up to 2,000 babies.

I suppose it's possible that one could give birth inside the hoover...it would have to survive the ride in there though, which would be difficult. As menacing and tough as spiders look, in reality their abdomen is quite fragile. One short drop for the spider, or hit, and it could burst.

[Deep_Sea_Rain]

Oh yeah...I never told a spider tale...

A few years back when I lived at home, I was feeding the critters. My brother came in and decided to show his little friends my collection. Before I could stop him, he'd opened the lid of one of my most aggressive species (the Usambara orange baboon tarantula Pterinochilus sp.)...this species happens to be one of only a few tarantulas with an extra "kick" to it's venom.

Well, this thing shot out of the cage like lightning, making his friends jump like bitches. It somehow got behind a brick like wall in the pet room, and I didn't get it out for hours. But seeing his friends jump 5 feet in the air was priceless...after that, I got a lock on the pet room door.

Oh, and keep this on the DL folks. I live with an Arachnophobic girlfriend now...this little story wouldn't go over well. :D

[cosmo105]

i may be vegan and all but FUCK SPIDERS. FUCK THEM. they all must die. steger is diplomatic and kindly takes them outside in a jar and shit but i'm throwing shoes and hammers at him the whole way screaming KILL IT KILL IT IT'S EVIL. i don't have any particularly great stories, just way too many close encounters with black widow's at my mom's house. it's got a great big garage and is in an area that used to be pretty rural (for southern california). geuughhh.

[Drederick Tatum]

spiders aren't too bad, but if I ever see a snake I'm gonna smash it with a spade, or a brick, or a brick attached to a spade.

[Bob]

i may be vegan and all but FUCK SPIDERS. FUCK THEM. they all must die. steger is diplomatic and kindly takes them outside in a jar and shit but i'm throwing shoes and hammers at him the whole way screaming KILL IT KILL IT IT'S EVIL. i don't have any particularly great stories, just way too many close encounters with black widow's at my mom's house. it's got a great big garage and is in an area that used to be pretty rural (for southern california). geuughhh.

i take a "kill on sight" stance with spiders and other insects too. if you put them back outside, they could get back in! worse yet, they could communicate to their spider friends that if you get caught in the house (at this point in history, spiders must have evolved the knowledge that if you get caught inside a house by something several thousand times your size, you're going to be in trouble i mean come on), the worst thing that happens is you get sent back outside. then what happens? you get a million fucking spiders trying their luck inside your house cuz they know you aren't gonna do shit about it.

no no no, the penalty for trespass is death, and i'm gonna keep doing it until the fuckers learn. it's their own damn fault.

i don't even know why they like it in here. there's more flies for them to eat outside anyways.

[cosmo105]

exactly. they do not belong in my house. until the day science gives me an invisible force field through which no bugs (and yes spiders are bugs) can pass, i remain unimpressed.

[-T-]

When I was little I would take spiders and put them in the microwave. They would explode. Well until my parents caught on. haha

As for snakes in nature they do not bother me unless they are of the aggressive or poisonous type. If they are close to my house then I fuck them up.:D I killed a blue racer that was sunbathing on my back deck. I waited until morning(when he was slow) found where it lived and introduced him to the shovel.

[Bob]

i remember once, i used to work in a hot dog stand, and we had a bee problem for a few days. when business was slow, i'd catch 'em under clear plastic cups, then wrap em in saran wrap and stick a straw inside. then i'd spray stainless steel cleaner spray (it's severely toxic) down the straw and watch them die. it got to the point where the counter would be lined with cups, a dead bee inside and a straw sticking out of each one. then the manager yelled at me and i had to stop

so i started squashing them with my bare hands, that's how many damn bees there were

that job sucked

[cosmo105]

once we caught this ridiculously hairy beast of a spider in the backyard (it was grey and had ORANGE KNEES, WTF?) in a jar and i freaked out and threw it in the freezer. after a while i felt sorta bad and took it out, then i shook it and it seemed dead so i left it out. but then it started moving around and i screamed and threw the whole damned thing in the trash.

oh, and i can't believe i forgot this, but once when i was a kid i was sitting in my room eating chocolate chip cookies with milk. i was fishing some of the chips out of the milk and eating them, watching tv, when one of them felt funny. i spit it out and it fell on the floor and got up and crawled away. yup. spider. i'm going to go barf until i cry, thanks for bringing it up guys (y)

[Rock]

They don't bother me unless they are on me. My wife is arachnaphobic, hardcore. But she can't kill them. She feels guilty about it. I do too, but sometimes I just have to do it.

Once I was in my garage and saw a wolf spider with a huge abdomen. And knew my wife was coming out behind me so I tried stepping on it so she didn't freak out, but the abdomen was all little baby spiders, it looked like hundreds of them all scurrying their way into my garage. There was a bucket of water sitting in the middle of my garage, I have no idea why it was there, so I just grabbed it and flooded them out of the garage. Usually I would just scoop it up and put it outside, but I'm glad I didn't try it that night.

I have never been so freaked out for so long about spiders like I was that night. I kept feeling like they were on and in my shoe, in my pants' leg, all over. I'm getting all itchy just talking about it.

But after that night I went back to normal. They can come or go, as long as its not an army of them.

[-T-]

haha nice. That reminds me of one time there was a big arse beehive in my backyard. What I did was soak it in gas then lit it on fire. I was only stung twice in the process. it was worth it.

[Rock]

.... threw it in the freezer. after a while i felt sorta bad and took it out, then i shook it and it seemed dead so i left it out. but then it started moving around .....

I think that happens to bees too. You just let them thaw out.

this reminds me of clock spider.

http://www.fazed.org/content/clock_spider/

[Bob]

haha nice. That reminds me of one time there was a big arse beehive in my backyard. What I did was soak it in gas then lit it on fire. I was only stung twice in the process. it was worth it.

you might enjoy this

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/bees.php

the first 2 pages anyway

the rest look kind of gay

[-T-]

nice.

[na§tee]

i may be vegan and all but FUCK SPIDERS. FUCK THEM. they all must die.

i take a "kill on sight" stance with spiders and other insects too. if you put them back outside, they could get back in!

When I was little I would take spiders and put them in the microwave. They would explode.
now that's what i'm talking about, people. excellent. i'll be safe with you guys.

(it was grey and had ORANGE KNEES, WTF?)

oh, and i can't believe i forgot this, but once when i was a kid i was sitting in my room eating chocolate chip cookies with milk. i was fishing some of the chips out of the milk and eating them, watching tv, when one of them felt funny. i spit it out and it fell on the floor and got up and crawled away. yup. spider. i'm going to go barf until i cry, thanks for bringing it up guys (y)
two things:

1. wtf INDEED and

2. :eek: HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU HAVE GOT TO BE JOKING. that would have scarred me for life. i can't remember the statistic of how many spiders we are meant to eat during our sleep but one is enough, personally. bleeuurggghhh.

[QueenAdrock]

2-3 spiders eaten per year while you're asleep.

[Planetary]

i think it's like 5 in a lifetime

edit: nevermind i was wrong and it was already answered. maybe i was right. i dunno.

[Nivvie]

I got out the shower this morning and whilst rubbing myself with the towel noticed snail trails and a big snail on it. I made and 'ew' sound and put the towlel in the washing machine, but that's about all, all I can be scared of are poisonous bugs. There's tons of spiders in this house. They are my little friends. I'd feel bad if I killed something.

When I was a little girl and we lived abroad, if you needed to pee on along drive in the desert we had to do it in the headlights after this girl I knew got bit on the bum by a scorpion, as she was peeing by the roadside. That's not very nice. And my brother got hit on the head by a beetle the size of a tortiose that a bird dropped and needed stiches. But you can't worry about that.
And my dad got bitten oh the leg by a camel spider the size of a plate. they wrap their legs around, and my mum was hitting it with a big bit of wood to try and get it off. But they inject you first and make you numb when they bite, so it didn't hurt him or anything. He was just very pale for a long time afterwards.

[Randetica]

2-3 spiders eaten per year while you're asleep.

just? i thought thats how much we eat per night, how disappointing (n)

i dont mind micro and small spiders and some types of tarantulas

the ones with thick and/or long legs and/or flat bodies are nasty
msf i think once posted soldiers of holding huge nasty ass spiders, these are the worst ones in my opinion, dont remember their name..


and slugs are cute and gross at the same time (slugs=joel?)
i kinda want to pick them off the street so they dont get squeezed but i cant do it since im grossed out by that blob sound
maybe it doesnt make a blob sound when you pick them up but i wouldnt know since i never picked one up! yeah..