Being cold to the people I find attractive

[Nuzzolese]

I have this habit, where if I think some guy is cute or I might be attracted to him, I'm pretty cold and formal to him. He didn't do anything wrong, I just don't want to be his friend. I don't want his attention, I don't want there to be any confusion. I'm admitting to the fact that I could be attracted to this guy and I'm not taking any chances.

Do you think this is some sort of a sign of a lack of will power or morality or something? Do you think it's something normal or what?

I work with so many women (married) who are always talking about which guys around here are cute, they flirt with them and blush and talk about their crushes. I would NEVER do that, not the way they do it! Does this mean I'm repressed and unhealthy or what?


Now, if any of you out there are thinking that because I never messaged you or something, that it's because I just don't trust myself not to fall in love with you, well forget it. This doesn't apply here at all. Here I just talk to whomever I find interesting. I don't worry about any of this online.

[b i o n i c]

nah.

[abcdefz]

I probably come off as cold because I'm trying to just be cool about it. I assume that this woman or that probably has stammering or tongue-tied men or really unwelcome attention all day... basically, I don't want to come off as one of those guys who can't handle themselves.

[Nuzzolese]

Then there are those people who are "Barbie and Ken" good looking, who probably have come to accurately assume that everyone they encounter is attracted to them. These people I'm especially cold to, which isn't nice and I feel guilty about it because they're just human beings with feelings underneath their perfect exteriors. These people are attractive and it's like a universal fact. I don't even have a choice in finding them attractive, it's not a matter of opinion. I may not even feel attracted to them at all, but I have to admit that they're hot. I guess I resent being a slave to my instincts. But I don't have to act on them!

Then they probably go home and read Maya Angelou and hate/pity me for not given them the awe they deserve.

[b i o n i c]

you don't feel guilty.

[Nuzzolese]

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs

Do you think this rings true with hot people who are resented for their looks?


I know personally, however, it's usually not a matter of being afraid of being rejected. It's more like evening the playing field.

And even more than that, it's like a respect thing, for my relationship. This is the part that makes me wonder why I do it out of respect for someone else. Because so many people would argue that real trust and loyalty can stand any tests and temptations. But I think, why even test it or tempt it?

Is it stronger or weaker to keep away from hot people when you love someone?

[beastieangel01]

I have been that way before. But for me it was because I figured they were full of themselves so why add to their inflated ego.

I was bitter. :p

[Nuzzolese]

I do feel guilty though, because they could be really nice people and sometimes they're actually humble and they may not know why I'm like this. They may have their feelings hurt. Not all hot people are over-confident and boisterious. Not all hot people were born hot. Some are late bloomers who still harbour insecurities.

[Kid Presentable]

I think there's a lot to be said for not delving into the second skin of situations. Be cold to someone, but don't bother with the reasons why. If it's because they're attractive, then you're admitting it, and it's just the "be mean because you'd do them" scenario. It's just a negative flirt, and it's readable.

[ericlee]

Are you insecure in your looks or do you find yourself unattractive? It could possibly be the issue or maybe you're thinking that the only thing these people have going for them are their good looks.

[b i o n i c]

im completely with the respect for relationships thing, when i've been in them. that's right on the money. i i cant really put it into words, but i've done that too. its sort of like sticking up for someone by not doing anything. like "i choose who i love against a high standard, so don't even try to think you compare" even if they are completely nice or whatever. yes its absurd because this is all inner dialogue. and i admit, its probably rooted in the fact that when in a relationship i want to believe that the s.o. will be doing the same for me. i really am an asshole.

[Nuzzolese]

^
ditto

except that I'm not really an asshole.

[BBboy20]

....why not just treat them like homies? LIke genders (somewhat) don't exist.

[Dorothy Wood]

I have a crush on a customer at work. he's color blind and shorter than me and frames really dorky posters. I don't know what it is, but I act like a total doofus around him...I drop things, ask too many questions, etc. It's probably only because he's about the same age as me, and seems straight.

I used to do the cold/mean thing to boys I liked in high school, but I find that I normally just act like a jackass. obnoxious even.

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

I do the same exact thing. I dont really know what it is but if im around someone I like I have the tendancy to make fun of them and things to that nature. I dont know why, but I suppose its the old "kick sand in the faces of those you love" kiddy routine. Like today, I was at a football game talking to this kid ive kinda liked for a while - and I was totally mean to him! Last year he was really into me, but I wouldnt date him because he was too young, and too hairy and too immature, i just kept making up reasons as to why I didnt want to be with him. Now this year he's super hot and I regreat not persuing him so much. Now he's turned the tables on me and is playing hard to get and its driving me crazy! I wanted to talk to him at the game and refused to go up to him, I had my friend go tell him if he wanted to come talk he'd have to come to me, and I wouldnt go say goodbye to him when he was talking to his friends, he had to come say goodbye to me.

I have no idea why I do this shit, but its annoying even to me because I never really put it out there that "hey i like you" im just like.. I'll wait till you come after me.. and i'll wait till you ask me, and I send out so many mixed signals and shit that most of the time I get bored with the relationships and persue other people, or it just never works out. Its kinda hopeless.

[mikizee]

I do the same exact thing. I dont really know what it is but if im around someone I like I have the tendancy to make fun of them and things to that nature. I dont know why, but I suppose its the old "kick sand in the faces of those you love" kiddy routine. Like today, I was at a football game talking to this kid ive kinda liked for a while - and I was totally mean to him! Last year he was really into me, but I wouldnt date him because he was too young, and too hairy and too immature, i just kept making up reasons as to why I didnt want to be with him. Now this year he's super hot and I regreat not persuing him so much. Now he's turned the tables on me and is playing hard to get and its driving me crazy! I wanted to talk to him at the game and refused to go up to him, I had my friend go tell him if he wanted to come talk he'd have to come to me, and I wouldnt go say goodbye to him when he was talking to his friends, he had to come say goodbye to me.

I have no idea why I do this shit, but its annoying even to me because I never really put it out there that "hey i like you" im just like.. I'll wait till you come after me.. and i'll wait till you ask me, and I send out so many mixed signals and shit that most of the time I get bored with the relationships and persue other people, or it just never works out. Its kinda hopeless.

no wonder i never understand if girls like me or not.

[Kid Presentable]

Just tell girls what they want to hear. If it didn't work, they wouldn't keep wanting to hear it!

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

no wonder i never understand if girls like me or not.

Sorry! Im kinda old fashioned, so I liked to be ASKED.. I can never do the asking. I like to dart around the subject a lot, like if someone asks me do I like them I always say "little bit" or "kind of", never "YES!" and then I see where it goes from there. Im really blantley obvious with my flirting, although I suppose its hard to tell because I kinda flirt with everyone, even if I dont really mean too. But with guys I like im always a tad bit sassy and bitchy.

[hellojello]

Can't say that I'm cold to people I find attractive, but I do have a tendancy to completely tear to shreds those I love for the most minor reasons while continuously letting people in my day to day like walk all over me.
yeah, that's pretty fucked up.

I have a feeling certain people would believe that coldness towards those you are attracted to is indicitive of a fear of vulnerability and exposure to others probably because of past emotional trama related to a perceived or actual abandonment by a significant figure in your life.

When I say you, I don't mean you. Of course.

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

^ that actually could be a valid reason as to why im the way I am. I never had a father or really, any parental figures at all except my mother and she's constantley working. She's been telling me for as long as I can remember that men suck and all they'll do is leave and hurt you - she says she doesnt think i'll ever get married. That hurts.. really bad to be honest, but I've begun to think it's true at this point in my life. I rarely allow myself to fall in love, and when I do I try to get out of it as quickley as possible, or I make up some stupid reason as to why I dont want to be with that person. I have such high standards its ridiculous.

[iceygirl]

i understand.

plus you don't want to let your charimsa out full force for fear they will fall for you as well, right? that would be truly horrid.

[RaZoRbLaDe KiSs]

^ RIGHT! lol just kidding. Define "Charisma?" Guys tend to get a bit spooked these days if your all "OH GOD I LOVE YOU!" I dunno who does that, but from what I hear if you come on too strong guys tend to freak out!

[miss soul fire]

Well, I've done that my whole life.

First, it was because of my lack of self-esteem. I used to treat like any other person so they wouldn't think they are all that, you know.

Then, I started treating them really nicely, but as "hey, little boy, how have you been? Did you do your homework? Nice. Be happy!" kind of thing. But for the same reason.

Now, I just don't care anymore. I've got my maaaaaaaan. Hihoo.[:D]


Whatever, you all like to say "pants".

So do I.

[Yetra Flam]

I think Nuzz has made this seem more complicated than what it actually is. It seems to me like you're evening up the playing field, so to speak. People who are very attractive get treated very well by everyone, but you won't give them that same kind of attention. Maybe because it seems unreasonable and ridiculous, and they really don't need another person kissing their ass. Seems fair enough to me.

[ET]

Why the need to "even the playing field" though? Shouldn't everyone be treated the same way upon first meeting them, ugly or not? I think it's less of a playing field and more about self fulfillment/masturbation. That said, I find that I don't give a shit what attractive people think of me attitude because I look like David Space a la Joe Dirt.

[befsquire]

i don't think it's weird. it sounds like you just wanna be sure you're not sending out the wrong message, since (some) hot people think everyone who says hi is flirting with them. plus, if you're not out looking to make new friends, what's the difference? being cold doesn't mean that you're being mean or rude.