every girl ever

[b i o n i c]

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. I have horribly bad taste just whipped this one up off of pages 9 and 23. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr.". He likes peanut butter. Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there, huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother-in-law, Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.



\makes me larf every time (i think its from the onion)

[ericlee]

I aint readin all that shit!! Actually I did, haha. The bathroom stuff cracks me up. It's even worse when they have strange roomates that sit there and stare at you without saying a word while you wait for her to get out of the damn bathroom.

[paul jones]

I have to go to work so I'll read all that when I get back from work(y)

[beastiegirrl101]

Awe BOOOOO...I have pictures on my fridge and a cat. But that shit about the after dinner drinks is hilarious....ahhahh.

[abcdefz]

This sort of ruffled my feathers. Calling this "every girl ever" is waaaaaayyyyy overstating the case. Either that or the Onion needs to pull its
head out of its ass before asking a girl out on a first date, anyway. Obviously, exaggeration can be part of humor, but this struck me as pretty
unobservant and kind of misogynist. The mysterious disappearance in the bathroom and the insecure approval of friends things are about all
the struck me as observant.

I mean, if a girl were really this big of a dipshit, you'd notice before you even asked her out. If this is someone's "every girl ever" experience,
man, shame on him.

[b i o n i c]

its not really about every girl ever, numbnuts

[abcdefz]

So you're saying they're liars.

[Loppfessor]

FUCKING HILARIOUS!

[Bob]

This sort of ruffled my feathers. Calling this "every girl ever" is waaaaaayyyyy overstating the case. Either that or the Onion needs to pull its
head out of its ass before asking a girl out on a first date, anyway. Obviously, exaggeration can be part of humor, but this struck me as pretty
unobservant and kind of misogynist. The mysterious disappearance in the bathroom and the insecure approval of friends things are about all
the struck me as observant.

I mean, if a girl were really this big of a dipshit, you'd notice before you even asked her out. If this is someone's "every girl ever" experience,
man, shame on him.

i think several women write for the onion too

[abcdefz]

So you're saying they're lesbians.

Liar lesbians.

[Bob]

the worst kind of lesbian

speaking of lesbians, i don't think i've ever seen a black lesbian in a porno. i know more black lesbians in real life than i've seen in porn. why are lesbians so racist?

[abcdefz]

Licking liar lesbians.

This is getting better.

[YoungRemy]

not from The Onion

this is from the "Look at My Striped Shirt" author Mike Polk

[YoungRemy]

http://www.thephatphree.com/profile.asp?aID=9

Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!

My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!

I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!

I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!

I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!


I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!

I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!

I will valet tonight!

I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!

I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!

When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!

I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!

I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!

When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!

I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!

[hpdrifter]

Haha, I like the second one.

But I don't like the first one.

:confused:

[YoungRemy]

check this one out...this is making the rounds, it was a real ad posted on craigslist last week or so...

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly
beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out?
Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way.
Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it.
I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

and this was a real response

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates!

Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By
35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that.
So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

[hpdrifter]

The response was pretty right on.

I hope she read it.

[cookiepuss]

wow his response was great. I'd have just said she was a shallow bitch. lol.


re: every girl ever

I liked it and I didn't like it.

I didn't like it cause:
I like pier 1 stuff
I use to have pictures all over my fridge like that
I have a decorative birdcage (it's and antique!) and no bird. My boyfriend hates it and despises the fact that I insisted on hanging it in our bedroom.
I have a tiny dog...which basically amounts to the cat in the senario..because almost no men (with the exception of my boyfriend) like small dogs.


and the stuff I liked was the stuff that didn't remind me of me. heh.

[Dorothy Wood]

the striped shirt one is perfect!

"every girl ever" is pretty funny, other than the title. because I actually don't know anyone like that. I'm just imagining that that's what the clones in the swankier neighborhoods I see are like.

[Bob]

i don't like the striped shirt one because i regularly wear striped button-down shirts

i like my humping like my martinis; dryyyy

[Yetra Flam]

these are really fucking depressing.