i think i'm gonna try doing stand-up

[Bob]

i've always sort of toyed with the idea, but i've never really performed in front of a crowd before, so i'm afraid that i'd just be really awkward and unfunny.

but i'm taking this criminal trial practice class, and for our first assignment we had to stand up and do bail arguments in front of the class, and then the professor (she's brutally honest too, which is exactly what i need) and the class would give us criticism on our content and style. the general consensus with me was that i was hilarious, apparently. and not even in a terribly inappropriate way (obviously criminal trials are no place for comedians), i wove the laughs pretty expertly into my argument. i was the prosecutor trying to argue against bail for a guy who was accused of assault and battery with a deadly weapon. he was the dominant half of a sadomasochistic relationship, and when his partner served him melted ice cream, he beat him (they were gay too) so badly that he sent him fleeing from the house in his underwear to a nearby monastery where he called the police (this was a real case, i can't remember how it came out). apparently he built a dungeon in his basement. so i said "this is a guy who has a torture chamber in his basement; he pretty much literally has skeletons in his closet and believe me, once this trial starts they're gonna come out, and i sincerely doubt he's going to stick around for it if you let him go today. he can afford a personal dungeon, he can afford to disappear for awhile."

none of them laughed out loud, because bail hearings, even fake ones, aren't laughing matters, but i could see them, they were dying. next week we're doing opening arguments, and when the professor announced the assignment, she said "bob, this is your time to shine" or something like that, so apparently i made quite an impression. that's a lot of pressure for a shy guy like me, but i actually am genuinely looking forward to trying an opening argument. i'll be prosecuting a murder case, i haven't read it yet, but i bet i can make murder funny

anyway i feel alright about myself now. i think i'm gonna try easing myself into this stand-up thing after all. my law school has a talent show in a month or two, and i've sort of been working on an act for a while. i think that'll be a good place to start. law students will laugh at ANYTHING

however, everybody did sort of unanimously agree that my body language was very unusual. i'm very fidgety; in particular i don't know what to do with my hands. towards the middle of my argument i decided the best solution would be to sort of tightly grasp my forearms so my hands would no longer be allowed to move, i have no idea what that must have looked like to somebody watching me from the outside. and apparently at the end, i bowed a little. didn't know that i did that. i need to work on that

[DandyFop]

You are so the next Rich Fulcher. Only not fat.

I have never experienced anything that felt quite as good as people laughing at something I came up with. As long as you can get that, you can stay a virgin forever, dude.

Go for it!

[mickill]

You'd probably suck.

[Bob]

You'd probably suck.

oh, a heckler! you want to come up here and try to tell me how to do my job? because i don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth

[mickill]

Oh snap.

I take it back.

[Bob]

you've been a great crowd, thank you

[insertnamehere]

however, everybody did sort of unanimously agree that my body language was very unusual. i'm very fidgety; in particular i don't know what to do with my hands. towards the middle of my argument i decided the best solution would be to sort of tightly grasp my forearms so my hands would no longer be allowed to move, i have no idea what that must have looked like to somebody watching me from the outside. and apparently at the end, i bowed a little. didn't know that i did that. i need to work on that

maybe try stickin your thumbs in your pants pockets? that will keep your hands in one place and its a pretty natural looking stance. now that i think of it, i really dont know how people generally stand when they're talking. find some videos of people doing standup or even just giving some kind of talk... watch your professors and that kind of thing, to see how people normally stand and what they do with their hands.

the bow sounds like it could be alright though. maybe not in court, but it could be like, your trademark for when you're a famous comedian

[mickill]

Oh, but, just out of curiousity, if you were to say encounter more than one heckler during a routine....like saaaay, a couple dozen, would you have a different killer zinger for each of them, or would you just repeat that same gem over and over? Just curious, Bob. Only curious.

[insertnamehere]

hopefully at least a few of them would have something unattractive enough about them to make jokes

[Bob]

Oh, but, just out of curiousity, if you were to say encounter more than one heckler during a routine....like saaaay, a couple dozen, would you have a different killer zinger for each of them, or would you just repeat that same gem over and over? Just curious, Bob. Only curious.

i'd probably drop out of school and start a drug habit

[DandyFop]

I can't believe you're even wondering about the fidgety-ness.

What the hell do you think rainbow suspenders were invented for?

[Documad]

Bob, you need to give some thought to being a lawyer who goes to court. I was super shy, but I started taking those trial advocacy classes where you have mock trials and like you, I was surprised that I'm pretty good at it.

The secret about what to do with your hands is to think of something to do. With a mock criminal trial, you can play with the exhibits or act out what happened with your body. You feel like a complete spaz, but whatever you think is a big movement isn't as outrageous to other people, and it keeps the jurors awake. With an appellate argument, you pretty much have to grip the podium. Don't ever put things in your pockets because if you play with them it drives me CRAZY.

[Bob]

Bob, you need to give some thought to being a lawyer who goes to court. I was super shy, but I started taking those trial advocacy classes where you have mock trials and like you, I was surprised that I'm pretty good at it.

The secret about what to do with your hands is to think of something to do. With a mock criminal trial, you can play with the exhibits or act out what happened with your body. You feel like a complete spaz, but whatever you think is a big movement isn't as outrageous to other people, and it keeps the jurors awake. With an appellate argument, you pretty much have to grip the podium. Don't ever put things in your pockets because if you play with them it drives me CRAZY.

i've never really thought about being a litigator (in the standing in front of judges and cross examining witnesses sense...i quite like the researching and drafting briefs element actually), but hell, i really do like coming up with these sort of theatrical presentations, maybe i've just seen too many lawyer movies, i dunno. like i said, i am genuinely looking forward to this opening argument simulation. opening arguments, in my limited experience (that experience would be watching a few good men, anatomy of a murder, and my cousin vinny) seem like the most fun parts of a trial (of course in a REAL trial, particularly a criminal trial, where people go to jail if you win/lose, there's nothing fun about it at all).

i basically took this class to improve my social skills, i'm way too goddamn shy for a 23 year old. i definitely landed exactly where i need to be though, this professor calls you out on every single one of your fuck-ups and compliments you on your strengths, and she encourages the class to do the same, and so far, that's what they've been doing, and i love it. i don't have any particular desire to do criminal law, i wanted to take the civil trial practice class, but it was a limited enrollment class, and i ended up at the bottom of the lottery list. i don't regret it though. as i see it, the skills are, at their core, the same, and i really like how honest this professor is. i need to know where i stand, you know?

[Documad]

Criminal practice classes are great for civil litigators anyhow. It's easier to practice things with criminal law facts. You can take the things you learn and adapt it to anything you end up doing. It's just about trying things and gathering new skills so that you never completely box yourself in one job. I had a job change last January and I'm doing things I never dreamed I'd do. That happens to me every time I change jobs.

95% of civil litigators never have a trial. It's all about motion practice and arguments to judges and answering discovery and taking depositions. Avoid any area where there is a lot of discovery.

The closing is actually the most fun part because you get to argue and play with exhibits. The opening is a little more cold and talky, but it's also shorter and you don't have to explain the jury instructions. But for the opening, don't be afraid to walk around. Throw yourself into it and have fun. It's not like you have to worry about your grade. :p

[abcdefz]

i've always sort of toyed with the idea, but i've never really performed in front of a crowd before, so i'm afraid that i'd just be really awkward and unfunny.

but i'm taking this criminal trial practice class, and for our first assignment we had to stand up and do bail arguments in front of the class, and then the professor (she's brutally honest too, which is exactly what i need) and the class would give us criticism on our content and style. the general consensus with me was that i was hilarious, apparently. and not even in a terribly inappropriate way (obviously criminal trials are no place for comedians), i wove the laughs pretty expertly into my argument. i was the prosecutor trying to argue against bail for a guy who was accused of assault and battery with a deadly weapon. he was the dominant half of a sadomasochistic relationship, and when his partner served him melted ice cream, he beat him (they were gay too) so badly that he sent him fleeing from the house in his underwear to a nearby monastery where he called the police (this was a real case, i can't remember how it came out). apparently he built a dungeon in his basement. so i said "this is a guy who has a torture chamber in his basement; he pretty much literally has skeletons in his closet and believe me, once this trial starts they're gonna come out, and i sincerely doubt he's going to stick around for it if you let him go today. he can afford a personal dungeon, he can afford to disappear for awhile."

none of them laughed out loud, because bail hearings, even fake ones, aren't laughing matters, but i could see them, they were dying. next week we're doing opening arguments, and when the professor announced the assignment, she said "bob, this is your time to shine" or something like that, so apparently i made quite an impression. that's a lot of pressure for a shy guy like me, but i actually am genuinely looking forward to trying an opening argument. i'll be prosecuting a murder case, i haven't read it yet, but i bet i can make murder funny

anyway i feel alright about myself now. i think i'm gonna try easing myself into this stand-up thing after all. my law school has a talent show in a month or two, and i've sort of been working on an act for a while. i think that'll be a good place to start. law students will laugh at ANYTHING

however, everybody did sort of unanimously agree that my body language was very unusual. i'm very fidgety; in particular i don't know what to do with my hands. towards the middle of my argument i decided the best solution would be to sort of tightly grasp my forearms so my hands would no longer be allowed to move, i have no idea what that must have looked like to somebody watching me from the outside. and apparently at the end, i bowed a little. didn't know that i did that. i need to work on that



TOO MANY WORDS TO SCROLL

[GreenEarthAl]

At first glance I read "i think i'm gonna try doing it standing up"

I was like "Our Bob? How long have I been gone?"

[abcdefz]

You missed his "I think I wanna try missionary style" thread. :D

[hardnox71]

I have never experienced anything that felt quite as good as people laughing at something I came up with.
You sure they weren't laughing at you and not what you said?

[DandyFop]

Oops, you're right, I forgot I'm still in fifth grade.

[beastieboysbaby]

DO IT MAN! that would be awesome. (y)

[mikizee]

Heres some opening shtick

'So, what did they call jet lag when airliners still used propellers?

proplag?'

On second thought don't open with that

[voltanapricot]

i
however, everybody did sort of unanimously agree that my body language was very unusual. i'm very fidgety; in particular i don't know what to do with my hands.
I saw this guy perform at the Comedy Store in London (so it was a pretty decent gig) and he was VERY fidgety and all over the place with his hands. Although a lot of his act was based on his nervous rections towards women, co-workers and other social situations so it worked really well for him. I suppose the more experienced you get with performing the more comfortable and less fidgety you'll become anyway.

[Bob]

so why ovaltine? the jar is round...the mug is round...they should call it roundtine!

[Documad]

TOO MANY WORDS TO SCROLL

I suggest that we all start putting returns into our text.
That way, we don't have to scroll.
At least until the admins take that ugly-ass header
off the top of the message board so that we can go back
to normal.

[hardnox71]

Bob, if doing stand up doesn't work out for you then you could always get completely shitfaced and just try to stand up.

That's always good for a laugh or two.

*ba-dump, bump*



Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here all week. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitress.

Good night!

[jabumbo]

what is the deal with airline peanuts?

[taquitos]

what is the deal with airline peanuts?

i think they got rid of em most places, due to allergies and peanut particles floating around the plane

[Bob]

i think they got rid of em most places, due to allergies and peanut particles floating around the plane

fuck...there goes half my set

[taquitos]

you could change it to "whats the deal with those cheese-flavored airline snack crackers?"

[ericlee]

It rubs the melted ice cream on it's skin.... Ha!

Seriously go for it Bob. I don't know how many times you've made me laugh on this board and also, use your fidgety hands as part of your gimmick. I can see you doing this and doing a great job at it.

[ToucanSpam]

Do it, but remember your first show will suck and you might get booed. Good luck funny man.

[Yetra Flam]

you have to remember, audiences can be really fucking stupid. they laugh at shit like "yeah, so smoking pot gives you the munchies"

[AAPSTUDIOS]

you have to remember, audiences can be really fucking stupid. they laugh at shit like "yeah, so smoking pot gives you the munchies"
Is it true when you cough while you are taking a piss you can hurt your back?

[jabumbo]

^ i think this guy might end up being a better thread killer than ericlee

[Lex Diamonds]

I tried stand-up in a club for dwarves once. It took five of them on each other's shoulders to repair the dent in the ceiling.

*BOOM-BOOM*

[DandyFop]

I'm going to the open mic on Wednesday.

*nervous*

I haven't done it for over a year.

I think I'll be okay if I drink a few beers first.

And if people laugh.

[AAPSTUDIOS]

^ i think this guy might end up being a better thread killer than ericlee
:D

[Bob]

so! about 30 seconds ago, i signed up to perform in the talent show

no turning back now, i suppose

[jabumbo]

steal a bit from carlos mencia


it would be ironic at least

[Guy Incognito]

It rubs the melted ice cream on it's skin.... Ha!

Seriously go for it Bob. I don't know how many times you've made me laugh on this board and also, use your fidgety hands as part of your gimmick. I can see you doing this and doing a great job at it.

Bob - I dont really know you but i know that lots of other people on here do know you very well and I just wanted to echo what ericlee said about you making people laugh. I have read some of your posts and you have made me laugh. You should have a go at it - its a more honest job for a start(sorry if that offends anyone). To quote the bloke at the start of "Satan" by orbital, "its better to regret somethin you have done, than something you havent done".(y)

[Yeti]

Don't worry about being fidgety. I enjoy the comics that are wrecks on stage. Write stories and jokes that relate to your own personal life. The best comics, writers and entertainers draw from their life and exaggerate the details.
You are a smart guy so I have no doubt that if you would write and practice it could be a great outlet for your rants and who knows what could happen. Oh, don't forget about the comic groupies.

[Guy Incognito]

I'm not sure that the law school talent show is the best place to start. Its not a bad idea its just that I thought maybe you could start at a place thats a bit more in the deep end like an open mic night somewhere.
I just feel that if you go to somewhere your mates are that although you will feel supported and its got a good chance of going well that it might give you a false sense of confidence but if you make a load of complete strangers laugh who could be morre discerning that would be brilliant.
Plus if it goes bad at the talent show you would be completely discouraged from doing it ever again because you might think if i cant make these dudes laugh i aint gotta chance but if it goes bad elsewhere you might put it down to the audience and soldier on. Does that make sense? Just my opinion.
Have you got an opening line?

[Lex Diamonds]

Here's a nice safe joke you can use to open your set:

Q: How do you get four gay men to sit on a chair?

A: Turn it upside down.


My elderly, racist, homophobic, sexist driving instructor told it to me yesterday. He said he told it to his wife's gay friend, who apparently wasn't impressed.

[Dorothy Wood]

lol, gay men like getting poked in the bum. so true...so true.


BOB, YOU DO SOME JOKES ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS OKAY. PEOPLE LIKE THOSE.

[Lex Diamonds]

So, uh, how bout them terrorists huh? What a bunch of losers!

[abcdefz]

Knock knock jokes are always big. (y)

[hardnox71]

steal a bit from carlos mencia


it would be ironic at least

You can't steal anything from that fucking schmuck. Nothing he does is actually his.

[Lex Diamonds]

You can't steal anything from that fucking schmuck. Nothing he does is actually his.
I think that's why he said it would be ironic.

[Guy Incognito]

You can't steal anything from that fucking schmuck. Nothing he does is actually his


More irony:D

[Bob]

i'm actually tempted to steal a joke from joel hodgson (mst3k). according to his wikipedia page, he did a performance on SNL where he said "i only have about 3 minutes to perform...in fact..." and then he revealed a prop time bomb and said "we ALL have 3 minutes" and i think that's hilarious and i only have 3 minutes too, and i have about a 98% chance of getting away with it, but no, i don't want to steal a joke

but man, what an opener. and it's like 25 years old, i should be allowed to have it!