Ridding your life of toxic people

[DandyFop]

So I'm on the verge of disassociating myself from someone (hopefully) forever. It's not easy though...we have been friends since high school and worked together and know all the same people, etc. But it has to be done, she's insanely selfish and just so many things that I can't go into. A shitty person basically. As I reflect on how I want to spend my time in life, I realize that I have no room for her. We are completely incompatible as friends, and as I am moving soon, when I come home to visit I don't really want to spend time with people like that. So I'm thinking of cutting it off completely but, fuck that's so hard.

Especially with her. She will make it everyone else's problem along with our own. Which I want to try my best to not allow. How should I go about this? I think I might just tell her just that - I don't think we are compatible as friends any longer. I wish you the best. I think that's better than delving into the many reasons why I think she's a horrible person.

Anybody done this before? I know we've talked about it. How did you handle it? I'm still not sure I will have the balls for it...she scares me for some reason. And even though I hate her, my memories of when we were really good friends make me nostalgic and wish that it could still be like that. But i have to remember it's not. It's kinda like breaking up, only worse.

[Freebasser]

I recently (hopefully) got rid of a friend of mine who'd taken it upon themselves to become a racist cuntknob.

I used the old "ignore them and they'll go away" technique. So far it's worked a treat (y)

[HEIRESS]

when my brother had all his problems this past fall the reactions (or lack of) from some of my friends (who also knew him very well) caused me to cut out 2 of my best friends from my life.
one of which is currently dating my brother still (which makes life unbelievably difficult in oh so many ways, but her bahavior towards me and my mother during the whole ordeal makes me want to punch her into the next decade, especially if they can't acknowledge their shortcomings and give even a half hearted apology after the fact)

along with those two friends I also cut myself off from that entire arm of "friends" that went along with it. and I have no regrets
I miss none of them or their influence on my life.
even before this happened most of the time Id have to contain my eyerolling and gag reflex when around the peripheral people that came along with hanging out with these two original friends.

Id rather be alone than spend my time with douchebags. I wasnt a socially needy person before this, and now im a downright loner. Im ok with that becuase the one thing I demand from close friends is loyalty. And you only get one strike when it comes to that with me, then you can just fuck off cause I dont have the energy to put up with that bullshit.

from family yes, friends no.

regardless, being a social outcast really aint that bad. I read way more books now and spend more time working on my own personal physical and mental health.

some my choice also all moved away after university, so that kinda left me with slim picking in this general area anyways, beggers cant be choosers. but now im choosing having no friends, over some shitty ones

I wish I could just leave this fucking city like you and go somewhere new, but my job is far too rad and well paying.
but we'll see the the future brings, nothing is ever cemented.

[RobMoney$]

You're a cold blooded cunt, so just be yourself to her. (y)

[Tone Capone]

From experience, I can tell you that you just gotta do it like taking off a band aid.

Take a breath.

And do it quickly.

It'll hurt for a second but, you'll be relieved it's done with.

[ToucanSpam]

ugh

[TAL]

Move to California. As a start anyway.

[DandyFop]

Thanks for the insights...yeah most people I know say oh just ignore them until they go away but to me that puts the power in her hands. Meaning if I just tell her straightout that I'm done, it won't leave me not answering her phone calls or giving her a reason to tell people I'm being a bitch. If I'm straight forward then I'm in the clear as far as my concious goes, I guess.

I'm going to give it a few days, and maybe even until I move but...I don't know how much longer I can hold back.

[TOY]

The ignore technique SOMETIMES works. For me, it worked with two people. With the others, they wouldn't leave me alone until I eventually flew off the handle about shit. And now I'm an evil bitch.

So.. Save yourself the time, do it now, let 'em down easy, blablabla. And good luck!

[monkey]

you know, sometimes instead of making a big deal about not wanting to be friends with a person, you can just disassociate yourself from the person. example: if you see them say hi, but dont engage in a lengthy "how are you" discussion. if the chick calls, tell her you're busy, you'll call her back, then dont. don't seek her out, and eventually she'll stop seeking you out. This way, you dont put her in the position of the victim when you decide to tell her she's become toxic to you.
wean her off your life, and save the friends you guys share. i consider that more "mature" than having a breakup, even if you're being sly about it. you're just not making a big deal about it "publicly".

[DandyFop]

Really? To me the immaturity stems much more from pretending nothing is going on. Believe me, this girl...needs to know that something is wrong, do you know what I mean? She needs to know that she isn't going to keep people as friends if she continues her life this way. And maybe she won't realize that. But from our history, I am more than justified in making it a bigger deal than just starting to ignore her. To me, not saying anything is hiding from it, and believe me I am one of the most non-confrontational people ever. I avoid drama like the plague. In my eyes, this is the way to go, at least in this situation.

[venusvenus123]

i don't think it's mature to do the "ignore" thing. i've never done the break up thing with female friends tho, although i have told certain people what i think of them and then we haven't remained friends, so maybe that's the same thing.

i have a woman in my life who i met at work. over the past few months i've noticed that she's a total freeloader--well she is with me at least. the other day i kind of made a point about it because i decided that it obviously was going to carry on if i didn't say anything. i don't really care that much if it turns her off me.


anyway, good for you dandy. i want to hear how it goes.

[Dorothy Wood]

you could just get drunk and start screaming at her in public. for added effect, throw a water bottle at her.

:)

that's what I did. I was having problems with this chick for awhile years ago and heard some shit she was saying behind my back and confronted her with it (albeit immaturely). after that we were in a fight for a year and didn't hang out...she was bothering a lot of people though, so she kind of got cut out of the group. it turned out for the best I think. now we're friendly enough.

I DON'T TAKE NO BULLSHIT MANG

[beastieangel01]

I know exactly how you feel.
I have a friend who others have even called a "cancer" in my life. And now I moved so we are no longer in the same town. We've been friends since high school and have LOTS of good memories but people change and situations change and she's just takes advantage of our friendship and my niceness at this point.

And despite trying to go about it a certain way, she has already started involving others and flipping out which is just how she is. I don't think there is any avoiding that when someone has that kind of personality.

So at this point, I said my piece, and I plan to ignore her from here on out because we have nothing to say to each other and she'd just be bitching at me if I bother answering so why waste my time?

I just did my best to apologize those she has tried to involve in it, and the thing is, they said they understand because they know how she is and not to worry about it.

Best of luck. Honestly, despite the difficulty, I think it's worth it. I already feel better.

[DandyFop]

I just wrote her a pretty heartfelt message. I was just going to cut it all off but I don't think anyone deserves that. I just told her some things have hurt me and I don't think we work as friends anymore but I have a lot of fond memories and it makes it difficult. Ughhhhh. I'm really freaked out but I feel good too. Hopefully it doesn't start a shit storm.

[abcdefz]

I've been on both sides of this, actually. In the situation where I booted this one guy some of us used to hang around with, the guys
(including his brother in law) understood, and anytime we would hang out, things just seemed to fall in line; either he wouldn't be there
or I wouldn't, but it was nothing strained. It was fine.

At a point when I was particularly bad, a great friend said she had to stop hanging out with me because it was basically tapping into her
bad shit, too. That didn't feel great, but how was I to argue that one? Within about a year, we were able to hang out with our friends
together but never were intimate again. As far as I know, the world survived.

[DandyFop]

hahahahaha she's such a cunt.

Instead of writing back and asking what was wrong or whatever, which most normal human beings would do, she called our friend and said it was immature of me and that I should have never said anything. WTF? It's immature to communicate with people, apparently. But I should know that. I don't think she's ever directly talked with someone about a problem in her life.

So yeah instead she took me off her top friends on myspace. Oh, the sorrow.