monkey
04-19-2008, 05:41 PM
i hate that i care so fucking much.
im making the effort to be the bigger person, to do something insanely difficult for me. why? because i think the person is worth it. and what does this stupid fucker do? he just says it's too hard for him and thats it. it's hard for me too. he hurt me, not the other way around. but i still believe in forgiveness and goodness. i still believe in all those promises i made years ago.
it's not fucking fair. i read earlier a thread i made the day after he and i went on our first date. i was amazed at having found someone who understood me. i was flushed with excitement from the moment i learned his name. and i hate that years later, that feeling still hasnt gone away. it's not like ive spent the past year and a half waiting for him. ive led my life, it's been fucking great. ive met great people, i had a lovely boyfriend (who yes, was a little less than perfect, but he was sweet), i have a fullfilling and fantastic fucking life. and i still feel this giant hole, this entire time, that only feels filled when he's around.
he was 2 ft away from me. i was with his friend, playing with his friend's little dog, and he wouldnt come say hello to me. i called him on it. and all he says is "im sorry, i cant". the most explanation ive ever gotten is "im gonna get
burned" and that i dont understand. i never hurt him, quite the opposite.
i wish i knew when im going to stop feeling like this. when im going to stop caring whether or not he wants to talk to me. when im going to stop wishing he were part of my life.
im making the effort to be the bigger person, to do something insanely difficult for me. why? because i think the person is worth it. and what does this stupid fucker do? he just says it's too hard for him and thats it. it's hard for me too. he hurt me, not the other way around. but i still believe in forgiveness and goodness. i still believe in all those promises i made years ago.
it's not fucking fair. i read earlier a thread i made the day after he and i went on our first date. i was amazed at having found someone who understood me. i was flushed with excitement from the moment i learned his name. and i hate that years later, that feeling still hasnt gone away. it's not like ive spent the past year and a half waiting for him. ive led my life, it's been fucking great. ive met great people, i had a lovely boyfriend (who yes, was a little less than perfect, but he was sweet), i have a fullfilling and fantastic fucking life. and i still feel this giant hole, this entire time, that only feels filled when he's around.
he was 2 ft away from me. i was with his friend, playing with his friend's little dog, and he wouldnt come say hello to me. i called him on it. and all he says is "im sorry, i cant". the most explanation ive ever gotten is "im gonna get
burned" and that i dont understand. i never hurt him, quite the opposite.
i wish i knew when im going to stop feeling like this. when im going to stop caring whether or not he wants to talk to me. when im going to stop wishing he were part of my life.